1.28.2009

Miss Independent

Current mood: happy

I am independent. I have never needed anyone to complete me. I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet and had accepted my lot in life to be one of loneliness. The sunny smile on the outside hiding the sadness that lurks on the inside. Who watches others flourish as I flounder with no expectations for anything more. The shame I feel over my inability to do better is countered by the sense of pride in having the discipline and savvy necessary to get by all on my own. I am capable of doing for myself by myself and yet the prospect of not having to go it alone anymore is so comforting. When he is good to me I feel special. When he buys me something nice it makes me happy. When he does or says something that makes me realize that I don’t have to handle all things all the time alone anymore I feel relieved. When I think of the wonderful person that he is I feel lucky. Now that I am finally getting used to thinking in terms of we instead of I, instead of feeling bleak about my future I feel hopeful. These positive feelings are coupled with a sense of guilt and loss of control. My pride just won’t let me be. I have failed somehow because someone has stepped in and done for me what I have always only done for myself. When I accept him I am accepting a goodness and happiness in my life that I never expected to have and I don’t know what to do with that. It’s been hard to let him in and break down that defensive wall of self reliance that has gotten me through the hard times and become the basis for my identity. So now that I am happy and have accepted kindness from an amazing man what does that make me? Who am I without that hard luck self supporting attitude? It feels good to no longer be the girl who has to go it alone and yet I almost don’t know who I am without that thick layer of armor. It is a positive turn of events in my life and I will happily learn to adjust. I am still going to be me but with just a little less weight on my shoulders. I won’t loose my independence. I am not a taker. I will always be frugal and obsessive in my worries about money and retirement but I am somehow much happier doing it with a loving man by my side. .

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