7.13.2009

Joe's Next Model-Top 25

I made the top 25 in the Joe's Next Model Contest and while I am extremely excited it is tempered by my reluctance to allow myself to believe that it is possible for me to win. In general I try not to hope too hard or want too badly for anything because I have learned that if you hope for nothing you cannot be disappointed. If you have no dreams then you cannot fail. I am so tired of being mediocre. I would love to shine the brightest for once and be the best. I want to be a winner. Not just the one who almost won. It seems that in most areas of my life I am average at best and it would be nice for once to be better then that. I would never admit to anyone I know how badly I want this. I prefer to keep that secret locked up tight so I can pretend to not care if it doesn't happen. I get so tired of hearing celebrities and other successful people say things like "If you can dream it you can do it" or "You can accomplish anything you set your mind to." It sounds so nice say but the truth of the matter is that life is not a fairy tale and dreams do not always come true. Just because you want something with all your heart and you do the best you can to make it happen does not make it so. I know that I have a lot of things to be grateful for and I don't forget that for a minute but that doesn't mean I don't wish for something more. I have for the most part moved on from modeling out of necessity.  I did go on a commercial audition last Friday for the first time all year. My OC agent called and usually I say no because of work-but not this time. I went to that audition and I did it for me. While I may not book the job I enjoyed the experience. It's just something I love to do.

I know I sound like the the skeptic but there is still that small childlike glimmer of hope in my heart that tells me not to give up. That dares to believe that maybe this is my shot. That is what scares me. I am ranked #3 right now so I'm actually in a good position. I am one of those people who is never truly satisfied with just doing OK. I want to do better. I want to accomplish more. Who doesn't?

I want my fiance and my family to be proud of me. I feel like this is my last chance to be able to say I accomplished anything of significance in modeling. Even if I never do another thing in modeling somehow that would be OK if I won this contest. I could make peace with it, be proud of myself and finally move on.

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