If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
There are quite a few things I wouldn't mind changing about myself if I could, but I'm not going to waste the chance on something like the size of my feet or my obsessive compulsive type personality. If my feet were smaller I'd buy a pair of oxfords that actually look decent with skinny jeans and if I weren't so OCD I'd stop wasting energy on anxiety over things like socks on the floor and dishes sitting overnight in the sink. That would be nice, but I'd rather pick something a little more life changing. If I had to pick just one, I'd say it's my lack of direction. Even as a kid I had none. Not that you are really supposed to as a child but when other kids were saying they wanted to be a a firemen or a princess I said nothing.
What do you want to be? It's taken me years just to figure out what I'd want to dress up as for Halloween should I ever decide to again. For the record, a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader because I used to be a cheerleader, the outfit is adorable and I'll never get to be one in real life. I've always been aimless and clueless floating through life doing everything that I thought I was supposed to be doing but not really knowing why. I got good grades in high school and then applied to college because that's what you are supposed to do. I went to college, worked hard to get good grades and picked a major because that's what you are supposed to do. I graduated college and found a "real" job because that's what you are supposed to do.
The only time I took any risk at all was when I quit said job after 8 years with nothing lined up. One morning I woke up and decided that I could no longer do it anymore and put in my two weeks notice. That job was literally crushing my soul. Quitting is not what you are supposed to do when you are living alone with no one else to depend on, have bills to pay and have no clue where your next paycheck will come from. Desperate times called for desperate measures and in that moment I did what I needed to do not what I was supposed to do. It worked out though. I was able to stay on at the company part time with hours I decided on and supplement my income with acting and modeling for 1 1/2 years. Money was tight and rejection and failure stared me in the face every single day after but I look back on those days with a sense of pride and fondness. It was a bold move to take the scary path but worth it because I was my own boss and I was out there pursuing my passion. It was exhilarating. I knew then, as I know now that had I not done that I would have had to live with the regret of not knowing. I took that chance so that I wouldn't have to. I wanted to be an actress and model and I was for that brief moment in time but then it was time to get back to reality.
Then what? I continued on doing what you are supposed to do by finding a very stable predictable job with excellent benefits. Do I have a passion for it? No. Do I hate it? No. Does it pay the bills and keep me traveling and in a position to have some of the things I want in life? Yes.
There are so many careers out there. Marketing, Real Estate, Sales, Manager. I would love it if there was SOMETHING that I was actually interested in pursuing. Ideally, something that could potentially pay well and a little bit more realistic then acting, modeling or author because you don't necessarily get to "pick" those as careers. Without direction I have labeled myself as "not the career type" and there is nothing that drives me to earn more, do more or be more. I am not an upwardly mobile professional in any way. I am stagnant and yet I do nothing to change it because I have no direction as to what to do about it.
noun: ambition; plural noun: ambitions
a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.
"her ambition was to become a model"
By the way, I did not make up that ambition example. It came directly from google.
I want to be that ambitious go getter or at the very least find a sense of fulfillment or drive in what I spend 40 hours a week doing but how can I find either one without direction? That's the foundation of everything. You can't go get it unless you know what you're going to get. I've got all kinds of direction, passion and ambition when it comes to writing. Perhaps it's not really fair to discount that in my assessment of myself but I have to because realistically, it's just another pipe dream until it isn't. Not that it couldn't happen, but it's not something to be counted on.
I love it when a post takes on a life of it's own. I didn't intend to talk about quitting my job so long ago, ambition or my secret desire to be a Dallas Cowboy's Cheerleader, but that's the beauty of writing. It clears a path through your thoughts and you end up where you never expected when you begun.
I seek direction and if I could change one thing about myself it would be that. The bad news is that I may never find it. The good news is that I've come to a certain place of peace in my life that if I don't I'll be okay. Arriving at this place of peace was a tough road and how I got here is an entirely other post.