The Time Change Agrees With Me

It's only been a full week since the time change and I have noticed a change in my sleep patterns already. I don't know for certain that it's because of the time change but it literally just started this week so I suspect it just might have something to do with it. And I am so glad! I have been getting to sleep in a timely manner AND waking up feeling rested. Instead of darkness I wake to sunshine seeping through the slats in my mini blinds. Instead of not sleeping at all or waking up hours before my alarm and feeling totally wrecked I am waking up at or just a little before my alarm and feeling like a person that actually got some sleep. I am still taking the sleeping pills. There is a good chance that I no longer need them but I am afraid to go without. I am enjoying this whole getting a good night's sleep thing way too much to risk it.

In other news....Mj comes home NEXT WEEK!! We will be in the same time zone by Sunday and in the same zip code by Thursday or Friday at the latest. It really snuck up on me because it literally wasn't until this week that I knew this for sure. As a coping mechanism I have learned to not really think about it too much when all I have is a general timeframe that can get changed at any moment by the powers that be. Somehow not really conceptualizing it allows me to long for it a little less which is helpful now because he's been gone for so darn long. At the beginning the end was all I thought about but eventually my aching heart got worn out. It already felt like there was no end in sight and not ever really knowing the date didn't help. So, not thinking about that actual end has kept me in the here and now which is where I needed to be to cope.

There are so many emotions coming at me all at the same time. We have been away from each other more then we have been together during our relationship seeing as how we had 8 months together before he left and he's been gone for about 11. This is our first time living together and actually getting to really BE together. It's almost surreal that he is actually going to come home and he won't be leaving again. No more way too short weekends together or missing him like crazy for months on end. I have so much faith in our love and our relationship that I doubt anything can shake it but I can't help but feel a little nervous. I've been waiting and dreaming about my future with this man and next week it will finally be real.

They Think She's Chunky?

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders "Making The Team Season 4" on the CMT channel
photo credit

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are for the most part gorgeous. There is no pretense about the fact that in order to be on the team you have to look good. Sure, they are talented dancers but NFL cheerleader's are also meant to be eye candy. Your appearance counts equally as much as your actual dancing ability and the DCC director Kelli and Judy the choreographer make no bones about it. That tiny uniform will not be extended to fit the girl. The girl must fit the uniform and you will not make the team without passing Kelli and Judy's physical inspection.

The girls dance and gyrate in their tiny little boy shorts and sports bra's during each intense rehearsal. Rookies in pink and vets in Navy. Full hair and make up. These girls are not just pretty Barbie Dolls though. They sweat on top of that hair and make up because dancing your heart out in front of Kelli and Judy is no walk in the park. Their eagle eyes see everything. There are standards. Which, I think is great and what makes DCC the amazing organization that it is. They have a great reputation and the competition to be a part of the squad is probably the fiercest out of any NFL cheer squad.

I was really surprised when Grace, who is one of the rookie DCC training camp candidates, was singled out as "looking big." She seems to be a petite girl. Likely 5'3" or less. She appears athletic with a flat belly and toned legs. At the end of every practice the girls on the chopping block are called into the office to either be cut or given more time to improve. Grace was told that most of the other girls her size are 112 lbs or so and that at 123 lbs she needs to slim down a little. She eagerly accepted the criticism and agreed that she would hit the cardio hard to try to loose some weight.

Every season there always seem to be a couple girls that are singled out as having "weight problems." Usually, I can kind of see what they mean. Though in great shape for normal standards you have to consider that the uniform is quite unforgiving and it does take a small very close to perfect figure to make it look good. They aren't necessarily looking for skinnie minnies either though. Most of the girls while slim still look healthy and fit. I was shocked to see a girl that looks as fit as Grace actually referred to as looking "chunky."  I can only imagine what kind of message it might send to young girls watching to see a tiny girl like this referred to as overweight.

I love the show as I do all things dance and cheerleading related.  I enjoy seeing the process of what it takes to be a DCC from auditions all the way to the first game.    

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  Link to video of the girls dancing where Grace supposedly looks "big."
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  Link to video where Grace is called into the office and told she can look "chunky."

A Kidney For My Dad

Great news today from my mom. They found a donor kidney for my dad. It is supposed to arrive around 3pm today and he is scheduled for surgery around 5pm. My dad started Dialysis earlier this year. His kidneys finally shut down on him after many years of poor eating and exercise habits that ultimately led to Diabetes. He was on insulin for a while before the kidney's finally quit altogether. He is AB+ so they didn't expect the wait to be long and it wasn't. Thank goodness.

He is so happy and I am so happy for him. He's been doing Dialysis 3 days a week for four hours at a time. It is time consuming and can be painful. Ultimately, Dialysis simply can't do what a real kidney can. He sees people walking into the Dialysis center looking progressively sicker and more worn down then the week before. On more then one occasion a patient has been taken from the Dialysis center to the hospital due to complications and he doesn't want to be next. He receives his Dialysis through a surgically created fistula connecting two of his veins together. It left some scarring and when touched you can literally feel the blood rushing beneath his skin. I still don't understand the actual mechanics of it all. It's been hard to see him looking so thin and weak. Dialysis takes its toll on the body after a while but thanks to this transplant he can leave all of that behind.

My eyes welled up with tears when my mom told me. I am happy that this is finally happening but it is also very scary. That kidney HAS to work. I am just hoping that everything goes well and that my dad can be on the road to better health again very soon.

• Bad news. My mom called me around 3 pm and said the transplant is off. Apparently, my dad was the 2nd one offered the kidney. The first couldn't accept it due to some medical reason and so by the time they got it prepped for my dad they felt the kidney was not fresh enough. What a roller coaster. My poor dad is so disappointed. They were at the hospital and getting prepped for the surgery. I can only hope that another comes up for him very soon.

Diet Fanatic

My fav "Lasagna Classico" at Olive Garden. I order it EVERY time I go.

I don't care about the rumors that it comes from a microwave.

I was talking to my big sis over the weekend and she was telling me about these insane new exercise video's that she bought that are in fact called the Shaun T "Insanity" workout and rightfully so based on what she told me. They are boot camp style drills and exercises where even the hard bodies in the background can't finish it and have to quit and take breaks. How often do you see that in work out videos? Not in any I've ever done. Apparently the work out is impossible and Shaun T himself is the only one on the planet who might be able to get through it.

Anyhow, she has been on a mission to loose weight for a while now. She was successful with Weight Watchers some years ago but since then the weight has crept back on and she has been almost powerless to stop it. She can and does exercise with the best of them but the problem that always stops her from reaching her goal is that she can't control her eating habits. She is somewhat of an emotional eater and like so many people, just loves food. She struggles with having the willpower she needs to get where she wants to to be.

It struck me that while she and so many in this world seem to be addicted to food I find that I have the opposite problem. People who know me also know that I am "weird" about food. It's something that has kind of followed me over the years and seems to be a part of who I am. My addiction is to dieting and like it or not I seem to be pretty good at it. It is a strange realization but based on my past it must be true. Some people might say they wish they had my problem and while it may sound desirable it comes with it's own set of negative pitfalls and consequences that are undesirable.

I have some kind of "fat phobia" and I have a love hate relationship with food. Its delicious, fun, and nourishes my body but it is also sometimes my enemy for reasons that I have not fully ever understood. I tend to be a picky eater to begin with but on top of that I really have a strong aversion to eating too many calories. Make no mistake about it. I love candy, Chocolate Molten lava cake with hot fudge and vanilla ice cream dessert, pizza, [light] beer and cheesy fried appetizers. There are days where this little fixation flies out the window and I eat mindlessly but the majority of the time I am annoyingly and acutely aware of everything I put into my mouth. It is natural to eat when you are hungry. The symptoms of hunger such as growling stomach or headache ensue and we eat right? Well, for me there is some kind of disconnect. In my case, I either don't fully recognize these cues or I ignore them altogether.

I do not have an eating disorder. You have only to look at me to see that I am of "normal" size proportions. I haven't been to the gym in a long time (though I need to). I have my weaknesses like cheese and bread. I am not "afraid" of food or eating in public. I just don't like eating too much of it and I do fixate on weight. I have to be very careful to ensure that I get enough nutritional value out of what I do eat. I must admit that more often then not I fail miserably particularly when I am alone to the point where I am under eating. I've lost some weight as a result. When Mj comes home I am hoping that he can help me to get back on track with better eating habits. I want to be healthy and I am not so sure that I am doing such a good job of that on my own.

I think it's just a quirk of my personality. I mean, I obsess over finances too!! So, my all time ultimate splurge meal is a McDonald's #2 (If that's still it's assigned number...it's been so long). It's the value meal with 2 cheeseburgers, french fries, and a soda. My freshman year in college I used to eat that meal super sized along with an overabundance of Domino's Pizza and Cup O Noodles. And yes, that is where my freshman 15 came from! Thankfully, it is long gone and then some. I'm going to order that #2 again some day just to say "to hell with it" and when I do, I'll be sure to write about every greasy delicious bite.