7.28.2009

My So Called Modeling Career

Ok, so I wouldn’t exactly call it a career but you know what I mean. I wanted to model a long time before I ever actually tried. I was the ugly duckling late bloomer nerdy type. As such, I kept my mouth shut so as not to invite ridicule. So, I didn’t start pursuing it until I was in my twenties.

One day I was watching a model contest on MTV and suddenly I was struck with the bug. I went to modeling school, conventions, showcases and random craigslist auditions and gigs for a while before I managed to get a local agent. By this time I had also discovered how much I love acting and took a few acting classes. I was working full time so it was kind of impossible but I kept at it anyhow. I jumped at any chance to be in front of the camera paid or not. I absolutely HATED my job and the only thing worse then failure is regret so one day I literally couldn't take it anymore and I quit with no job lined up. I live alone and have bills to pay so I didn’t exactly have anything to fall back on. Not only did I hate the job but it was holding me back from pursuing what I really wanted. They kept me on part time so for about a year and a half I modeled part time and worked part time and I loved every minute. I was my own boss. I was able to set my own hours so I could be available for auditions and shoots.

I loved being able to do work that I loved. I enjoyed the challenge. I enjoy auditioning even though I was rejected way more then I ever booked a job. I just loved being a part of it-and it was fun! I managed to get an agent in Orange County and one in LA but by that time I was literally running out of time and money. I could barely afford to drive to LA anymore for auditions because gas prices had gotten so out of control and my car is a gas guzzler. I did some catalogs, local commercials, and other various print jobs as well as promo modeling. That combined with my part time job kept my bills paid for a while but eventually, I had to kind of get back to reality and get a 9-5 job and some health insurance.

Modeling has given me a lot of confidence as an adult that I lacked growing up. When I am in front of the camera I am no longer that shy conservative girl that doesn't want to call attention to herself. During a shoot I am a model and as a model I enjoy the challenge of trying to portray whatever mood, look, or attitude that is expected. I am confident, outgoing, an unafraid to express myself. I feel beautiful and special when the camera is pointed at me. I feel fortunate for each and every job I've ever been lucky enough to get and have enjoyed the experience.

On the one hand I feel like I could have accomplished a lot more had I been in a situation that would have allowed me to focus on it for longer but on the other I figured that if I couldn't’t get “discovered” in 1 ½ years then perhaps I just didn’t have what it takes. That I can live with-but what I couldn’t live with is never having tried. I am proud of myself for putting my fears aside and giving it a shot. And, while it’s not something I am able to actively pursue anymore I haven’t been able to completely shut the door on it because it’s just something I love to do. Every now and then if I can make it to an audition or get an offer from my local agent here I will. It wasn’t about being famous or filthy rich for me. But, I did have fantasies about actually being able to turn modeling into a career and that if that led to fame and fortune great-but more then anything else I just wanted to be a working model. It didn’t happen for me but I got further then a lot of people ever do and I got to model so at this point all I can do is just try to be satisfied with that.

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