8.15.2014

The Kind of Happy That Just Is

I had a really bad dream last night. For some reason it really rattled me and I can't seem to get it out of my head. Have you ever wondered about what your life might be like if you made a different decision or if one thing or another had happened differently? I think everyone has at one point or another. The dream was very vague and unformed as dreams tend to be but the gist of it was this. I was not married to my husband. I was with someone else.  I was miserable and I was thinking of that guy I met with whom everything was perfect.  That guy that I only went out on a few dates with before deciding it would be best to go back to an old relationship.
July 4th 2008 // Our first Vegas trip together
There were no monsters.  I was not swimming in a vat of spiders.  There was no Nightmare on Elm Street running through a field screaming bloody murder and yet this dream was positively chilling because in it I knew what it was like not to have MJ in my life.  In the dream "that guy" was MJ and for whatever reasons I went back to an old tattered relationship rather then take a chance at being happy.  I knew what it was like not to be able to hold his hand or see him smile and it was a terribly empty feeling.

In reality there was no guy I went back to but there was a previous marriage that ended in divorce. Ten years ago my marriage had fallen apart.  I was bitter, hopeless and oh so very lost.  Life was misery for me.  When I hear about any suicide including the most recent one that everyone is talking about it really hits home.  When I see Robin Williams face I look at his eyes and wonder what kind of torment and pain might have been hiding behind jokes and smiles at that very moment.  I hid a lot with my smile too.  I don't know his struggle but I know what it's like to see ceasing to exist as a solution.

Four years later I was still single and very anti relationship because relationships are "so hard" and I was not worthy.  I didn't think I would ever meet anyone I liked enough to take a chance with which was fine because in my mind I was unlovable anyway; destined to be alone and sad. When we started dating in March 2008 I pushed him away because I did not believe I deserved someone like him.  I was distant.  I wouldn't allow myself to like him.  I just knew I would ruin his life and that's exactly what I told him.  I was in a slightly better place but still very damaged and afraid.  I still didn't know what it was like to love life and be happy.  I had moments of happiness but not the kind of happy that just is for no reason at all and that's when I met him.  That's when everything changed for me and I'm so incredibly grateful.  He pushed, I found the courage to let him in and life with MJ has been nothing less then amazing.  We don't fight, we figure it out.  Loving him is easy.  He is my rock.  He comforts me in so many ways.  What if I had never gotten divorced?  What if I had successfully sabotaged our relationship?  I shudder to think of what my life would be like right now if I had never gotten a divorce and it saddens me to think of the lonely and miserable person I was and might still be today had I not met MJ when I did.

I vaguely remember him kissing me this morning like always before he left for work and reassuring me that it was Friday and not Thursday.  That was the other nightmare I had last night.  And when I woke up I felt a huge sense of relief.  Not only because it was Friday but because the life I have right now is so very different then the one I had ten years ago and I get to come home to a man who means everything to me.  It was just a bad dream.

21 comments :

Law_Fal said...

I hate dreams like that. But fortunately it's just that a dream...

Kate @ Another Clean Slate said...

I'm glad it was just a dream too!

Shannon Q. said...

This is kinda the first real glimpse I've had into you and your back story. What a blessing this man is to you! I truly am glad that you two have each other and that things have worked out for you the way that they have and that you did get the happiness that you deserve. :)

Renae said...

Thankfully, it was just a dream. Very good post-I really needed to read this today, for so many different reasons. I needed to read this. Thanks for being so open and sharing.

A Life Less Traveled said...

I hate those dreams that just shake you to the core and linger in your mind afterwards. I'm glad you were able to find a true love after a bad relationship. I think in a way makes us appreciate it more.

Tomes Edition said...

Thank goodness it was just a dream. Those kind of dreams really make you appreciate what you have more and more. Cherish your love!

Ameena said...

Can related to this post on so many levels...I'm glad you are living a dream. Nobody deserves it more! You are so happy and I admire that.

Pop Champagne said...

I'm glad it was just a dream! it's amazing how someone can change our lives so drastically. it makes you appreciate how far you have come I think!

The Lady Okie said...

I actually have had a dream like that before... that I had married an ex-boyfriend instead of Jordan. I woke up crying, and it rattled me. I'm glad it was just a dream for both of us :)

After Eleven Blog said...

I've SO had a dream similar to this. I woke up seriously believing it was a nightmare from The Lord. Sounds weird, but it made me even more thankful to have the life I have now. My dream was just simply showing me what life could've been VS. what it is now. WHEW! Thank God it was just a dream.

Faith said...

Those are the worst dreams ... I had one a while ago and you wake up with your heart pounding. I'm glad that it was only a dream for you and that you met MJ. It makes this happiness and love so much greater just because you know how it feels to be in a place of misery. I loved this post not for the nightmare but for the fact that you're not living in a nightmare anymore.

Always Maylee said...

I'm glad you are not really living that nightmare! Maybe it was just a reminder of where you were versus where are you are now... and now you are so happy with the person you were always meant to be with! :)

xo, Yi-chia
Always Maylee

afairlie said...

Sweet words about your husband, and you deserve happiness! Sometimes dreams like that have the best possible outcome--they show us what we have is pretty great. Happy TUESDAY (now!)

LaToya LouisvilleSlugger said...

When I have dreams like that, I'm so grateful for waking up and finding that everything that just happened was not real. :)

Newlyweds on a Budget said...

I know this is a week old but I am catching up with my reader now and this post just resonated with me since I had a similar experience (not the dream, but relationship wise) and I can't imagine what my life would be like if I stayed with that ex boyfriend who made my life miserable but it was so much easier to stay than to move on. Being with Eric is just easy and while we do argue every now and then, for the most part, we do a really good job of getting through conflict together. This post made me all sorts of warm and fuzzies inside : )

Mrs. K said...

you guys are just so darn adorable. you deserve each other and all the happiness that comes with being with each other, it seems. i've been gone from blogging for a looong time but have been following your blog without much time to comment the whole time. i just looove reading your blog. i can relate to your personality and i just love the quality relationship you have with you hubby and family.

hya21 said...

Oh his is so sweet. Well at least at the end it was. I'm glad that your dream has ended in the best possible way for you.

I know you're a reader of my blog, but I don't know if you saw my post from a couple of months ago entitled "What if?" which spoke to this very issue. I made light of it but it's amazing to think about what paths our lives take because of the decisions we make.

Pegster said...

This is such a great post. I am happy that you found MJ and are now enjoying life together after all that happened before. You are a strong woman lady. Thanks for sharing this

Ashley R said...

This is such a hopeful post. You guys are perfect, and I am so glad you found each other!

Catherine Gacad said...

i too have had horrible dreams that are so hard to shake! when i was a kid, i used to have the same recurring nightmare whenever i got sick. it was awful!!! glad that these are just dreams. life itself can be wonderful :)

Whitney Cypert said...

Such a beautiful post! Those kind of dreams are the worst but at the same time show you how much you really do have. I have one about Garrett sometimes where he is with another woman and wants nothing to do with me. It's the worst kind of pain in that dream and I am always so thankful when I wake up and realize he is laying right beside me. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through those tough times but so happy for where you are now!

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