Long Awaited Visit With My Fiance

 I couldn't have asked for a better visit. In a word, it was perfect and the main reason for that is simply because we were together. I was excited but also nervous while I waited for him at the airport but the moment I spotted him and gave him a big hug the nerves melted away and we picked up right where we left off. I couldn't take my eyes off of him that first night. It was so amazing to me that he was right in front of me in the flesh and not a flat image in my computer. I could actually touch him. He upgraded to business class on the international leg of his flight so he was actually pretty well rested when he got here.

We spent three nights in Vegas. We stayed at Polo Towers in The Villas. Our room was so nice!! Full kitchen, living area, flat screens, and dual sinks in the marble bathroom. The first night was our party night. We did Karaoke night at Imperial palace. I did two songs and thanks to the Tequila felt like quite the star even though my actual singing voice told a completely different story. MJ was sweet enough to do one song even though he actually hates Karaoke. We finished off the night at the Shadow Bar in Caesar's Palace. Night two was a delicious Italian dinner at Zefferino's where the service was impeccable and then we saw Blue Man Group. I didn't know it rained in Vegas! We had to take a cab back to our hotel so we wouldn't get soaked. Our last night we just wanted to relax so we hung out at the pool, watched a DVD in our hotel and ordered room service. Staying in, going out-we had just as much fun either way. What happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas-the good times continued back at home. We did a picnic by the beach and met some of his friends for happy hour among other things. Everyday with him was just as wonderful if not more then the one before it.

I still get a little teary eyed when I think about how yesterday he was here and today he is not. I slept better then ever every night he was here and after just one night without him the insomnia is back. I started missing him exactly two seconds after I had to say good bye. I treasured every single moment that we spent together and now the countdown starts up all over again but this time instead of 6 1/2 months it's only 3 1/2. The worst part is over and when he comes home next time it will be for good.

I made The Top Ten

I made the top 10 cut! I still don't want to actually believe that I really have a chance to win because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment but maybe, just maybe...this is my time to shine. Well, the cuts for top 5 are next and this is where it gets tricky because as fewer and fewer advance there is a greater likelihood I won't be chosen. I could very easily be cut at this point but I am hoping that they will see something in me that makes them want to invite me to the LA casting.

I have been having a fabulous time with my fiance. We basically just picked up right where we left off. It is so great to have him here. It was nice that he was here to celebrate my top 10 selection with me. I want so much for him to be proud of me. I am trying not to think about his inevitable departure. I want to savor these precious moments with him while I can.

I am also trying not the think about all of the excess food that I am eating. I want to just enjoy myself and be free of that kind of worry but that is kind of hard when I am acutely aware of every single bite of food I consume. Who wants to count calories in Vegas? I have definitely indulged more then normal but I am trying to be OK with that.

Joe's Next Model-Top 25

I made the top 25 in the Joe's Next Model Contest and while I am extremely excited it is tempered by my reluctance to allow myself to believe that it is possible for me to win. In general I try not to hope too hard or want too badly for anything because I have learned that if you hope for nothing you cannot be disappointed. If you have no dreams then you cannot fail. I am so tired of being mediocre. I would love to shine the brightest for once and be the best. I want to be a winner. Not just the one who almost won. It seems that in most areas of my life I am average at best and it would be nice for once to be better then that. I would never admit to anyone I know how badly I want this. I prefer to keep that secret locked up tight so I can pretend to not care if it doesn't happen. I get so tired of hearing celebrities and other successful people say things like "If you can dream it you can do it" or "You can accomplish anything you set your mind to." It sounds so nice say but the truth of the matter is that life is not a fairy tale and dreams do not always come true. Just because you want something with all your heart and you do the best you can to make it happen does not make it so. I know that I have a lot of things to be grateful for and I don't forget that for a minute but that doesn't mean I don't wish for something more. I have for the most part moved on from modeling out of necessity.  I did go on a commercial audition last Friday for the first time all year. My OC agent called and usually I say no because of work-but not this time. I went to that audition and I did it for me. While I may not book the job I enjoyed the experience. It's just something I love to do.

I know I sound like the the skeptic but there is still that small childlike glimmer of hope in my heart that tells me not to give up. That dares to believe that maybe this is my shot. That is what scares me. I am ranked #3 right now so I'm actually in a good position. I am one of those people who is never truly satisfied with just doing OK. I want to do better. I want to accomplish more. Who doesn't?

I want my fiance and my family to be proud of me. I feel like this is my last chance to be able to say I accomplished anything of significance in modeling. Even if I never do another thing in modeling somehow that would be OK if I won this contest. I could make peace with it, be proud of myself and finally move on.

Insomnia Relief At The Spa

It was the perfect end to a long and exhausting week. I felt more rested yesterday during that 1 1/2 hours then I have all week and it's because I was at the spa. Mood lighting, calming music, and ice cold lemon water lulled me into a state of relaxation that I could not get in sleep. The moment I slipped on that white robe and sat in the waiting room all of the fatigue from the week started melting away. The European Facial and the Swedish Massage were heavenly. I walked out of there feeling invigorated.

When I tell people I have insomnia a lot of them will say "oh yeah, I couldn't sleep last night either," offer me all kinds of sleep tips or ask if I have been anxious or stressed lately. They don't understand that it's not just one night here or one night there. It is an overwhelming recurring pattern of lack of sleep for sometimes days on end that leave me so tired I feel ill. If it were one night here or there I could tolerate it but it's way more then that. They also don't understand that nothing helps and there is no pattern. The bedtime ritual, warm milk, reading before bed or going to the gym changes nothing. When I am in the throes of insomnia there is almost no relief. I have insomnia-I simply cannot sleep. I finally got a prescription sleeping pill and sadly that only helped a little. For most of the week I was practically falling asleep at my desk by day, but when my head hit the pillow at night sleep would not come. I lay there for hours and maybe drifted off a little here or there but not enough to feel rested when I get out of bed in the morning. Usually I do better on the weekends but Friday and Saturday were still mostly sleepless and then I was up at 7 am. I can only hope that the cycle will end soon.

At any rate my fiance will be here in three days and I will be on vacation!! I only have two more work days to get through. I need this time to refresh. I am feeling ultra productive because I had my laundry done, house cleaned, and oil changed all by noon. They are all things I have a tendency to procrastinate on lately, but feel so good about doing once I finally get them done. The only thing left is grocery shopping and giving my fiance a big huge hug and kiss the minute I lay eyes on him. I can't wait.

My Cyber Fiance

We decided to get married and then he left the country. I haven't felt his touch since December 27, 2008. I finally meet the man of my dreams and just as quickly he is snatched away. Our whirlwind adventure of amazing dates, getting to know each other and falling madly in love was to be rudely interrupted. One minute I'm day dreaming about what it would be like to marry him and the next I find out he is leaving for what feels like forever. I knew he was in the Army National Guard but that's just one weekend a month and two weeks during the summer right? Well, not exactly. Apparently, at any time a soldier can be fully activated and just like that life as you know it comes to a screeching halt ready or not.

He jokes with me that I was "difficult" and I have to say in a lot of ways I agree. I was kind of a tough cookie to crumble. That independent streak that I'd wrapped around myself with pride was being challenged like never before. My mind kept telling me that I didn't deserve him. My heart on the other hand was telling me something entirely different. Being sad and lonely was painful but comfortable in it's familiarity. It was a constant. It was what I knew. It was expected and like it or not I accepted it as my fate. I didn't believe I was good enough for anything better. I still say that if it were any other person it would not have been enough. His winning smile and his incredible personality melted my resolve. I had to be brought to a place where my heart could not be ignored. A place where I choose myself over my sadness and fear of letting him down. He was absolutely the one who could take me there. I am a tortured soul and It would be a huge mistake for someone who has everything going for him to end up with a woman like me. Don't help me, don't get too close or be too kind. I am so glad he didn't listen. He loved me and and nothing I said or did made him run and so eventually I followed. I followed my heart and it led me to a future I never thought could be mine. One that doesn't have a clouds and misery lurking around every corner. One in which I am as deserving of happiness and love as anyone else.

Since he left for Kosovo our plans have come to an abrupt halt. All we can do is love each other as hard as we can from a distance while we look forward to our future together. He goes to bed on my lunch break and wakes up when I am going to bed. I burn through my Whenever minutes like they are going out of style and Skype is is my new best friend. I feel lucky that I get to talk to him daily and cyber date him on the weekends. Watching him fall asleep inside my computer is the highlight of my day and thoughts of the moment when he will fall asleep beside me keeps me going. We met in March of last year and knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together by November. The good news is that after 6 1/2 months I finally get to see him. The bad news is that after 12 blissful days of togetherness he will have to leave. He may be my Cyber Fiance right now but in the not so distant future he will be my Real Life Husband and all I can say is....I can't wait for what happens next.