I Think I Love My Husband

-MJ in Kosovo-

Ok so I don't think, I know. Oh, how I love my husband....err, Fiance.  There are seriously times that I have to pinch myself just because I cannot believe that I got lucky enough to have such a wonderful man. Yesterday during our usual lunch break phone session he told me all the reasons that he loved me. He was so sleepy and as it got closer to the end of my lunch break and closer to his bedtime I could tell he was dozing off. I don't get offended. Hey, it's late and the guy is tired. Even so, he didn't want to get off the phone until our full hour was up even though I kept saying, "just go to bed."

Today he sent me an e mail out of the blue just saying he was thinking about me. When I asked him what made him think about me today he just said that he is always thinking about me. This day is no different than any other-he just so happened to tell me about it in an e mail.  My heart...melting. Oh, and did I mention how absolutely sexy and adorable he is?

Sometimes the phone relationship gets old. I get frustrated and irritable and I told him as much today. He always more than makes up for those frustrations just by continuing to be him and I love him for it. "Awww....how cute, they must still be in the honeymoon phase.  It won't last," is what they say.  Well, we have been together long enough that we are definitely past that point. True, during the time that we have been together he has been deployed for almost half of it, but long distance relationships come with its own set of potential pitfalls and we have held up just fine through the worst of it thus far. I know the true test comes when he comes back and we shack up in my studio which is small enough for one person let alone two. On the one hand I say, "We must be crazy!!" but on the other hand I think it will be good for us to know we can get through something like that. Regardless, this will be our home for however long it takes us to find a house. Space will be limited. We're gonna get on each other's nerves. My neat freak tendencies are going to be sent into overdrive and will probably drive us both crazy. We will disagree. We might argue. Bring it. I'm ready.

Sephora Pro Beauty Runway Show

Photo Set

Me & My Make Up Artist

The 80's Look

I pull into the resort unsure of which way to go until I see a gaggle of tall thin girls heading towards me from the opposite direction. Ahh, must be some of the other models. So, I guess I'm in the right area. Then I see a large black Sephora sign with white lettering posted on the building to my left so I look for a parking spot. As I walk to the Veranda Room a young woman wearing a black Sephora T-shirt says to me, "Are you CeCe?" She says she is my make up artist. She must've recognized me from the photo that my agent sent over. Soon after I am ushered to a white back drop where my lovely "before" shot is taken. Then, over to my make up artist's station to work on wardrobe. My make up artist is Jelena and she's got the coolest Puerto Rican accent. I love the way it sounds when she says "Miami"-which is where she is here from.

This is the Sephora Pro Beauty Competition. Thirty make up artists from all over have been chosen to compete for 12 spots on the Sephora Pro Beauty team and each one has it's own model. We wait around for a while before we head over to the ballroom where the show will be held for the rehearsal. Each model's image is projected on two huge screens on either side of the runway as we walk and we can see this from backstage. I can hear the other girls making comments about each one and I can only wonder what will be said about me as I take my turn. We only have time to walk through it once before heading back to the Veranda room.

Once everyone is in place at their make up stations the games begin. The artists are given exactly 2 hours to complete their look. This includes hair. Jelena goes to work. I sit still and take quick sips of my soda between brush strokes. She doesn't talk much and I can tell she is really trying to focus. She applies these funky blue and black false eyelashes to my lids and can't seem to get them right. Not too long after that I hear her say, "I'm not gonna make it." Someone yells out that there is one hour left and before I know it only 5 minutes remain and she hasn't even touched my hair. She hurriedly pulls my hair into a high side pony tail right before they call time. She is obviously disappointed-she felt she didn't do her best, but I am impressed. My face is a rainbow of colors and my eyebrows are downright sculpted. Not your every day look for sure, but very artistic. The judges come around and inspect all the models. They are wearing black and white looking very serious as they confer and take notes on each look. I sit there awkwardly not knowing where to look as they stare intently at my face.

We all line up for our "after" shot and then we break for dinner. Models DO eat!! Well, at least the ones here. I saw it with my own eyes. Some plates were piled pretty high and I even saw a model with 2 pieces of cheesecake. Our lipstick is totally ruined of course after chowing down. The artists do touch ups and we sit for more judging.

Next, it's showtime!! We are shuttled over to the ballroom and line up in order. We can here the crowd going crazy in anticipation and there is loud music playing. There are six different eras being showcased from the 50's pin up girl to the 21st Century. I am in the 80's group. I am wearing a green spandex short halter style dress, fluorescent green ankle length spandex and bright yellow chuck taylors. Some of the other eras have much sexier outfits. The disco girls were on gold roller skates! It's kinda hard to feel sexy and strut down the runway in that funky outfit and flat sneakers. I sure could've used some extra height since I am a shortie on the runway, but this show is not about me. It's for my make up artist so I do the best I can to make her look good. Oh, and the worst thing ever is that my not a stitch of make up looking like I just rolled out of bed "before" shot is now displayed on the huge screens for everyone to look at as I walk to the center of the runway. I had this bad feeling they were going to do that to us!! Some of these other girls are sooooo tall, soooo thin, and sooo gorgeous that I feel a bit like an like an oompa loompa in comparison but I don't let that stop me from feeling good out there and enjoying myself. I strut down the runway with confidence and my before shot is replaced with live action of me workin' it. I pause at the white tape mark towards the end which we were told is the "sweet spot" for photos and look at each of the judges. After that we all walk out onstage side by side with our make up artist to a lively cheering crowd. The Black Eyed Peas song "I gotta Feeling" is blasting and everyone is on stage clapping and having a good time.

After that the models are free to go. So, as I leave that night I don't know how my make up artist fared. I gave her a hug and wished her the best of luck. This is her dream and I would love for it to come true for her.

Most of the other models were younger and are probably doing modeling full time. That's not the case for me. I don't get to do this very often so when I do I just drink it all in and really try to enjoy it. This was such a fun show to be a part of. It wasn't looking like I was going to do any modeling or acting jobs this year which I would've been OK with because it's just the way it goes, and now I end up with two jobs both within days of each other and I've still got my big Joe's Jeans casting next week. I'm going to be able to actually save a chunk of money for a change and maybe spend a little of it too! I earned it right? And I had fun doing it. Pretty cool if I do say so myself.

Why I Love My Body

Are these women normal?

This is an interesting question for me because I have had so many issues over the years with body image and weight. Most women including myself are not genetically engineered to be a Victoria's Secret model. So often those are images that are considered the standard of what a perfect woman looks like and if you don't fit the mold, well it can leave you feeling like you don't measure up. Like there is something wrong with you, when in reality that is not the case. Those models are actually freaks of nature, beautiful freaks of nature yeah, but they are not the norm. It is not reasonable to even try to measure myself against them but it is so hard not to sometimes. The average American woman is 5'4, weighs 140 lbs, and wears a size 14 dress. That is reality.

Victoria's Secret asks women to answer this question in 500 characters or less for a Body By Victoria Contest. Normally, my thoughts naturally turn to why I hate my body and not why I love it so this was a good exercise for me. This is my answer:

I've been critical of its shape and; complained about its size. Mistreated it, taken it for granted and; even hated it at times. In spite of it all my body continues to sustain me. I am alive and well because of its unfaltering resolve to love me even when I don't always return the favor. I love my body because it is healthy, strong and toned. It allows me to do things I love and be the person that I am.

16 1/2 Hour Video Shoot

It's 5:00 am on a Saturday morning and instead of being in bed like I usually am I am in my bathroom slathering liquid foundation on my face. No make up artist on set today. I'm it. I hit the road by 6 am to make my 7:30 am call time. Upon arrival I am handed scrubs. They aren't exactly flattering but I don't really care because I basically get to wear pajamas all day. After changing I am sent into the exam room where the filming will take place. At the moment I am just background. This is the easy part and it allows me to get a feel for how the set up will be.

I booked a shoot for a Dental Network's instructional video and I am going to be playing Tasha the Dental Hygienist. I was told that there was no need to memorize the lines because we'd be using teleprompters, which is something I've never done before. I find out that with teleprompters you have to actually pretend that the monitor is the other actor. As you say and respond to lines you do so not towards a person but a 17" screen with words scrolling down it and we are not to ever look at the other actor in the scene. This makes me nervous but I am not overly concerned. At least not yet.

The shoot moves pretty quickly. There is little to no prep time or rehearsal from scene to scene. When my scene comes up I am caught off guard. I am handed a prop, the director is talking pretty quickly, and they are all focused on me.

I don't know what happened but suddenly I am nervous. I lose my confidence and then it's all downhill from there. I begin to perspire and my heart speeds up. I feel like I have lost my ability to even read. The director says action and I awkwardly stumble through my lines. At the end I am to show the "patient" her CEREC Onlay (still have no idea what that is exactly) and when I lean in to do so it is stiff and awkward. The director tells me as much and gives me some corrections. On top of the trouble I am already having now I am told that I need to memorize the lines and play towards the actor now. I couldn't even read them and now I am supposed to have them memorized?

My nerves have taken over and I feel a if the connection between my brain and my body has been completely severed. All I know is that I am in here screwing up and there is a room full of various people including the client, crew, and other cast members watching this on a the big monitor set up in the main room. Oh yeah, and this is HD. Every flaw is going go be magnified by 10 million. In my mind I am saying, "What made me think I could do this?, Omg,omg,omg. What is wrong with me?" Only three lines and I am already panicking. Somehow I make it through the scene and walk out feeling like the biggest idiot on set. I have visions of totally blowing the rest of my scenes and getting fired from my agency for being such a looser and the director yelling at me for ruining the whole shoot.

And so the day goes. Mostly I am background and I continue the day with this cold fear in the pit of my stomach. I sit around with the other actors chatting. I mention that I don't do this all that often anymore. "Why?," they ask. "Uh, because I have an actual job I reply." They order in Mexican for lunch. More sitting around pretending like I actually know what I am doing. We have a location change around 6. There is more shooting. More sitting around. I watch the other actors get through their scenes dreading that all of mine are still to come. They take Starbucks orders. Then, dinner arrives from California Pizza Kitchen.

So, I'm finally up. I try to relax and I tell myself that I am a pro and I CAN do this. This is what I've been hired to do and I've never had a problem with lines on any job I've ever done. We stand in as they light and set the scene. We rehearse it a couple times and they change some dialogue.

And then, the director says "camera rolling...action."

I deliver my lines to the monitor perfectly. No hesitation, no problem. I got this! Why was I so worried before? I feel great now and have no problems with the rest of the shoot. At one point I am to smile warmly and greet a backpack on the floor as if it were the patient sitting in the chair and even that doesn't phase me. On camera it will actually look like I am talking to the patient but at the moment it looks quite silly. Each take is done from a distance, then close ups of each actor. So, there are three different angles and with each angle we do it as many times as it takes until the director is satisfied that it's good. There is no going home for anyone until all the shots are done however long it takes. By the time we finish it is midnight. I don't get home until 1:30 am and I am in bed around 2:00 pm. It's late enough that I can call my honey to say goodnight. It's really nice to get to hear his voice before I go to bed.

As I drift off to sleep I am exhausted but happy. I have never had a longer day then this. All told I was up for about 22 hours. That's rough for a wimp like me. A freaking 16 1/2 hour shoot is insane!! It was a marathon of a day but I am so glad to have overcome my jitters. It was great to be making some extra money and doing what I enjoy doing.

Baby Maybe

A couple weeks ago I was at a girls get together and my friend brought her one month old baby. It is not often that I am around a newborn so at first I was reluctant to hold her but as the night went on I found that I could not resist. She is absolutely precious. She was wearing tiny silver shoes with a bright pink matching leggings and top outfit. Soft sweet smelling baby skin and baby fine curly hair atop her little head. Tiny hands, tiny feet. Tiny mouth with yeah, you guessed it, tiny little lips. I sat on the couch holding her and just marveling at this tiny little person. I looked into her eyes as she stared back at me and I could only wonder what little baby thoughts might be passing through her mind, and what it might be like to have a little person like that of my own.

Then, she started crying and I had to give her back to mama. I watched as mommy rocked her and tried to sooth her with pacifiers, bottles, and a diaper change. I listened as she described the pain of breast feeding and her so far 22 pound weight loss. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of doing such a thing. Nine months of gestation, gaining massive amounts of weight, labor pains, the whole change in lifestyle. Oh, and let's not even talk about the cost. I am not one of those women who always wanted to be a mom or has this innate love for all things baby and child. Should I take that as a sign? As I get older and older I have started to think that perhaps my life is fine just the way it is. The thought of bringing an innocent child into this increasingly scary world is well...scary. I really don't want to be an "old" mom. Right now 35 is my age maximum although it used to be 30, so a very short window remains in which to make this decision. I am not ready for a baby just yet, but my biological clock is tick tocking away and those maternal instincts keep showing up when I least expect it. I don't want to miss out on the joy that being a mother and having a family can bring but I want to enjoy married life without kids before we take that step. He is kind of on the fence about the whole thing too, so at least we are on the same page. He is younger then me and is even less ready then I am.

I am not sure what it will take to push us to one side or the other, but I suppose only time will tell. It is a HUGE decision and one that we will ultimately make together but until then...that biological clock will just have to keep on ticking.

Kiss Me Through The Phone

I spend my lunch breaks in my car talking to MJ before he goes to bed. Because of the nine hour time difference that is really the only time we get to talk during the work week. He tells me I have put him on restriction but I didn't really have a choice. Just this month we have cut down to Mon, Wed, Fri for an hour instead of five days a week because I only have 1000 minutes that can be used outside of nights and weekends and the numbers just weren't adding up. I feel like something is missing on the days I wake up in the morning and know that I won't be talking to him. I considered just talking for 30 minutes daily but once I have him on the phone that feels way to short and it's hard for me say good bye, until I have to.

We basically have a long distance relationships right now so the phone has become our primary means of communication. It's great and all but the phone really does have it's limits. Telling him about my day or what's going on in my life day after day on the phone can get old and it's not because I don't love him or because I don't want to talk to him. There is a whole element of non verbal communication that is totally missing when all you get to do is talk on the phone. So much gets lost in translation. I'll mention something and he'll have no clue what I'm talking about even though I told him about it just a few days before. He'll say something and I can't hear him because of poor reception or maybe his voice is too low. I'll say something and he says "what?" so I have to repeat everything twice. I'll deliver what is essentially a monologue about one thing or another and I can't really be sure if he's heard a word I've said. After this happens over and over again I begin to feel that he is either tired, not paying attention, or I am boring him to death. I have no idea which because I CANT SEE HIM. Suddenly, I am feeling irritable and I don't feel like talking anymore. Then, I feel like the wicked witch of the West because this is my fiance, I love him dearly, and even as irritable as I am feeling I just want to hear his voice. He has been so wonderful to me throughout this separation. During the extremely busy pre deployment trainings and traveling he was working 7 days a week but he always made time for me. Since he's been overseas I have never had to wonder if he'll call me, if he misses me or if he's thinking about me because he has been so great about being right there on the phone telling me. He lets me run my mouth about anything and everything for hours on end without complaint. Sometimes if he wakes up in the middle of the night (afternoon or evening my time) he'll call just to hear my voice and say "I love you." He just gets it that I need to hear from him and he does it willingly.

I am really am lucky and grateful to be able to talk to my deployed soldier as much as I do and I am even luckier that my deployed soldier is as thoughtful as he is. So, for now the hour long lunch break phone conversations and weekend Cyber Dates are here to stay. When he gets home we can NOT talk on the phone all we want because we'll be talking and doing all kinds of other things...up close and personal!