40 Years

Me and the rents on my wedding day

I don't know the origins of it but there are designated traditional wedding gifts for every anniversary year from 1-75.  I don't think I'll live long enough to be with my husband for 75 years but if by some miracle I did, then I know that our gift to each other that year is supposed to be diamonds.  Year 3 is leather, year 6 is candy, year 15 is crystal and year 30 is pearls.  According to the list year 40 is a Ruby.  My parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary and a month ago my mom was thisclose to giving my dad a kidney.  Now that is off the charts awesome in terms of a gift right?  An organ from your very own body is way more precious then diamonds.  It is the ultimate gift of life and health.  My mom was a match and right in the middle of the testing process.  It turns out she didn't have to donate but she was willing and ready to do it.  

On October 24th they got the call.  My mom picked up the phone and the lady said, "Does your husband still want a kidney?"  My mom said, "YES."  A donor kidney had finally became available and by 7:00am they were at the hospital and my dad was getting tested and prepped for transplant surgery.  It took longer then we thought it would; about 5 hours.  My dad pulled through with flying colors.  He was in ICU for a day then got moved to his regular room.  Just one week after surgery he got to go home.  The doctors said the kidney was "lazy."  My dad was really disappointed to still have to do dialysis even after the long awaited healthy kidney but we hoped that it would start doing it's job very soon and it did.  On November 9th he was taken off of dialysis.  No more would he have to spent 4 hours a day 3 days a week hooked up to a machine to do what his kidneys no longer would.  He actually has three kidneys now.  Turns out they actually leave the non working ones in and just add the new one. 

Now there are doctors appointments several days a week and a stock pile of pills that need to be taken in addition to his insulin.  My mom took off work and has been right there by his side taking care of him and helping him manage just as she has been through this entire process.  Just as she has been for the last 40 years.  In sickness and in health, through good times and bad.  I can't count how many times I shook my head in anger over things that were going on in that relationship but my mom's love for him has never wavered; and despite actions that may speak to the contrary neither has his for her.  My mom is as forgiving as she is generous and my dad is as loveable as he is stubborn.  When you love someone like that you will do anything to save their life.  You are selfless if a little selfish because not only will you do what it takes to make sure that person is okay but you also can't bear to imagine a world in which they do not exist and want to keep them with you.  My dad feels healthier and more energetic then he has in a long while.  He needs to keep up the exercise and eating right.  This is a new lease on life and he need not waste it.  Not only for himself but for the people who love him.  I don't like to think of my parents getting older.  For my whole life they've just always been there and that's how I want it to stay.   I'd like to think that they will be here forever.  Just as I'd like to think that my husband and my sisters and anybody else I care about will be too.   

Forty years with Mj.  I'm all signed up...I just don't want it to fly by too fast.  The 40 year anniversary traditional gift is Ruby, the modern day gift is a Garnet and if he needed an organ I would give it to him.  What will we look like in 40 years?  What kind of twists and turns will our relationship have taken?  How many date nights, weekend getaways and movie nights will there have been?  How many disagreements?  Life is just so precious.  And so is love.  We are not promised tomorrow so while we are here we need to be thankful for what we have, live and love as hard as we can, while we still can.  

....and Everything in it's Place

My poor sweet husband.  He has to put up with me nagging bugging him about all kinds of things. Please don't leave your shoes in the walk way so I don't have to step or trip over them.  Why won't you put anything back where you found it?  Can you please put your stuff away?  Why are your clothes on the floor?  Can you put your dirty clothes in the hamper not on it?  Is there a reason those dishes still sitting there?  You get the point.  I must admit I am not without fault.  My main indiscretions are misplacing the lotion bottle, leaving the pantry door open, not matching the knives into the right slots on the butcher block, squeezing the toothpaste from the middle and .....well that's about it.  Oh, and all that nagging reminding.  So sorry baby (I know he's reading this).   

In his pre wifey days his routine was to throw clothes on the floor, let messes and dishes pile up throughout the week, clean it all up Saturday then start it up all over again.  So, you mean to tell me that your house was a mess about 5 out of 7 days?  That's about 20 days out of a 28 day month.  Totally not acceptable to this lady.  You see, I have an illness.  I'm a neat freak, I have OCD, call it whatever you like but I believe there is a place for everything and everything in it's place.  I didn't have that luxury for a very long time.  I used to have no place for anything and nothing in it's place because I simply didn't have the space.  Now we do.  Why spend thousands of dollars on a closet and not put your stuff in it?  My home is my sanctuary and when my home is mired in the chaos of clutter I cannot be at peace. 

I could blame it on my childhood.  I grew up in a messy house and there was nothing I could do about it.  The minute you straightened anything up it was messy again.  My dad was a walking tornado who wouldn't lift a finger around the house and expected everyone else to clean up after him.  He wouldn't even put his plate in the sink.  I hated it, so excuse me if I'm a little sensitive about this subject.  I just don't want that for my home.  My mom may have been willing to double as a servant but even as a child I vowed I never would.  Thankfully, MJ is not even close to that.  In fact, I'm pretty lucky to have a modern man such as himself who cooks and makes an effort to consider my feelings.  If I make the effort to clean the house I just don't think it's too much to ask to pick up after yourself.  I know it can be a pain in the butt and sometimes life gets busy.  It doesn't even bother me if it's not done right away as long I know you will...someday...in the near future...soon...please.  Believe me, I wish I were not like this and I certainly don't wanna be the house police.  I WANT to happily toss my belongings willy nilly without regard to where they land, ignore crusty dishes stinking in the sink and care not about the ring of dirt accumulating in the toilet.  Sounds kinda nice actually.  We could enjoy a content often dirty clutter filled life together-no nagging involved.  But the laws of nature have ensured that a messy person always marries a neat freak so that is not to be. 

We've been living together for about two years now and he really has made some major improvements.  He no longer stores his jammies on the floor, shoes are getting put away and dishes aren't getting left for days.  It means a lot to know that he is listening and trying.  I've got to give him props for that...and for putting up with me.  Messiness makes me irritable and eventually I must speak up.  If I don't say anything how will he know it bothers me?  It's called communication.  He's sure to let me know if I do something that bugs him too; it just doesn't seem to happen as often.  I can't help it that I need order and that messes put me on edge.  And I suppose he can't help it either.  He literally doesn't see things that are sitting there all messy in plain sight and/or it simply doesn't bother him too much.  I do bite my tongue and I have loosened up some.  It's his house too and there are way more important things to worry about right?  I try to ask nicely and I make sure that I show my appreciation of his efforts to neaten up.  I mean, I don't want him to hate me...or divorce me for that matter.  This is just one of those things that we have to accept about each other and try to compromise on so that we can both be happy together and in our home.  Give and take.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  This part of him tries my patience but does not diminish the many things I love about him in any way.  

Fruit, Meat, Vegetables, Cheese.  Not too complicated.   

We spend all this money on a beautiful refrigerator with a lovely LED light and plenty of space and roomy drawers to organize our food.  Mj never puts anything back in those drawers where he got them from.  I've explained to him where everything goes many times but just as recently as last week he says "Well, I didn't know that the meat goes in that drawer."  So, I labeled them right quick before I left for work in the morning and left it for him to find when he got home.  Now, I'll pose this question to you.  Am I a B-I-T-C-H or just a wife who wants the meat to go in the meat drawer?  Lucky for me my husband has a sense of humor.  He had a good laugh, took this picture and posted it on Facebook.

Maintaining the Magic

On our wedding day

There are so many unhappy marriages in this world.  I don't have statistics but I venture to guess that for every happy and loving marriage there are at least five pairs of miserable dysfunctional marriages that are on the verge of collapse or already have.  I should know.  I used to be in one of them.  I am glad to say that my newly minted marriage is alive and well.  We love and respect each other.  The lines of communication are open and we have fun.  But for everyone of those marriages that are falling apart many of them started out just like us.  Happy, loving, affectionate.  Madly in love.  It is a huge reminder to me that although I know that Mj is the right person for me we are not just going to magically stay as in love as we are now forever without effort.  I think it's so important to put forth the effort and be conscious of that now when things are good to avoid having to try to do it later in a relationship that has been allowed to unravel into disrepair.

Dating Mj was such fun.  Our first date was dinner and even though it was also my first time meeting him I felt comfortable right away.  He planned our second one which was an all day date that included lunch, go cart racing and kite flying.  After the third date I was hooked.  I fed off of his energy and he showered me with gifts, love and all kinds of fun outings.  Learning new things about each other all the time was thrilling especially because the more I found out the more perfect he seemed for me.  Every time we were together was like a new adventure.  Issues and problems that we'd had with previous partners were a thing of the past.  Everything was different now that we'd found each other and it felt wonderful.  Every kiss, every touch, every time I got to see him was magic.

That was 3 1/2 years ago and we are 1 year into marriage.  We are no longer in that euphoric exciting fun filled newly dating and falling in love phase anymore.  That phase only happens when you are newly dating and falling in love and seeing as how we are no longer newly dating and have already fallen in love that phase of our relationships is over.  We still have fun but now our relationship has a whole new dimension to it.  We live together.  We have bills to pay.  I get to wash his dirty gym clothes and he gets to listen to me complain about him not putting his keys and sunglasses in the brown basket.  While we might not know everything there is to know about one another we know quite a bit and so that discovery process has slowed down.  Still, when he kisses me or says "I love you" just because my heart melts.  I'm still excited to see him.  We love spending time together and I love coming home to him every day.  I am as in love with him now as I was in those exhilarating days of dating and I want it to stay that way.

We are newlyweds just beginning our marriage journey.  Those early days of dating are in the past but I don't ever want to loose that wonder and attraction that made us fall in love with each other.  Therein lies the challenge.  We are no longer newly dating and freshly falling in love but we are in love and we need to keep that magic alive. It's so easy to communicate when everything is perfectly uncomplicated but what about when it's not?  The hardest decision we make isn't where we should go for dinner anymore, it's whether or not we should have kids, how much we should put into savings and who gets to clean the bathroom.  Communication is more important now then it ever was and having the courtesy and respect for each other that we started out with will only make it easier to maintain a healthy happy relationship.

The bottom line is that as a couple you should never stop doing the things that made you fall in love in the first place and add in new things that will keep you there.  Continue to be kind to each other.  Listen to each other and have fun together.  Think about the words you said on your wedding day.  Relationships, like people are constantly evolving.  As easy as it is in these early days of our relationship it might get more difficult as the years go on especially if we don't nurture and value what we have.  When I see those happy couples married for 20 + years with gray hair still out there slow dancing, holding hands and going on dates it makes me smile.  I know without a doubt that I want that to be us some day and it's up to us to make sure that it is.

Define Soulmate

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:  A soulmate ( or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul, which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate. In New Age spirituality, the ultimate soulmate is the one and only other half of one's soul. However, not everyone who uses these terms intends them to carry such mystical connotations

Dictionary.com
soul mate
-noun
a person with whom one has a strong affinity

soulmate
-n
a person for whom one has a deep affinity, esp a lover, wife, husband, etc

google.com/dictionary
soul mate Noun
1.  A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner

It really wasn't until I met Mj that the soul mate question ever really crossed my mind.  Up until then I was very doubtful of the concept and didn't give it much thought.  There is the life I led before Mj and the one I lead after.  The after is way better and such a stark contrast to the before.  I am a better happier person since I met him.  He literally saved me from myself.  The very fact that this person has transformed my life so much got me thinking.  If ever there was a soul mate then he must be it.  The answer you get when you ask someone about soul mates can be very telling about their relationship history.  It seems that if you have met your soul mate you know it and you are a believer.  If you have not then you aren't sure it exists and/or don't believe that you have met him.  The other question that comes to mind is can you have more then one?  If there is only one perfect soul mate in the entire world for you then the odds of finding that person are slim to none meaning that most who believe they have found their soul mate really haven't based on pure odds alone.  Makes sense, but I don't like those odds.  I think you can fall in love multiple times but all of those times won't be "real."  It's something you think is real and true at the time but don't realize it isn't until you have experienced it with a soul mate.

He is my heart

I don't think any of those definitions of soulmate do the word justice.  "A person for whom one has a deep affinity" could be anyone and a lot of  people at that.  A soul mate is more then a deep affinity.  It has to be.  I know there are mythical implications and I'm not really sure what I believe about all of that but I do believe that I have met my soul mate...whatever that is.  For me it means that I have met someone who is the perfect person for me in every way.  A person who I am meant to be with.  How else could our relationship be so easy and amazing?  How else could this sense of comfort, peace and certainty have washed over me despite all initial efforts to fight it? We have fun and enjoy spending time together. I am totally at ease in his presence.  There is no drama nor has there ever been.  I trust him completely.  There is this myth that relationships are hard.  Not only that, but that they are supposed to be.  If you believe this then maybe you haven't met your soulmate.  My relationship is not hard at all.  We don't fight.  We ebb and flow around and through each other as naturally as could be.  His strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa.  We are on the same page in so may ways.  We agree on a lot and what we don't is usually simple enough to resolve.  We know when to push or when to pull back without being told.  I find it difficult to even be mad at him.  We balance each other out in a way that makes loving him and being with him feel like something I was meant to do.  Does it annoy me that he has some sort of aversion to putting away his stuff?  Yes, but this amazing ability to love him deeply in spite of any flaw that he may have is somehow stronger then my annoyance.  Anything that comes with loving this man is worth putting up with and it hardly even feels like a sacrifice.  I may drive him nuts to no end but there he is every morning giving me a kiss before he goes to work while I'm still in bed.  We respect each other and I find him to be one of the the most handsome men alive.  Without a doubt I know that we will be in love and happy together for the rest of our life and that there is nothing that we can't handle together. 

Is this presumptuous?  Perhaps.  But it's the way I feel.  There is simply no doubt when it comes to him.  It is painful to even briefly summon the thought of what life would be without him.  I shake my head and push it away because of this feeling that life is not worth living unless he is by my side.  At times I am totally overwhelmed with this incredible feeling of love for him.  This indescribable wave of emotion that brims out of my heart and fills up my soul.  I am so lucky and happy that this wonderful person has been placed in my life.  Sometimes when he kisses me on the top of my head or gives me a tight little squeeze for no particular reason there is a moment of clarity where I say to myself, "Oh my gosh, he loves me." And it is such a thrill.  This is very powerful stuff!  I've been married before.  The first time around never felt even close to this.

He might be my soul mate but that doesn't mean that I can take him or our relationship for granted.  I'm not saying that challenges won't come our way or that there will never be problems.  Life is unpredictable and anything can happen.  Maybe we will eventually have an argument or something bigger to tackle but I feel that we are so well matched that we will be able to deal with it.  Together.  Having said all of that I still don't think I've defined soulmate but I'm ok with that.  Like Love it's a feeling more then anything else and experienced in so many different ways by different people that it cannot be fully captured or defined.  Words alone just don't do it justice.

Do you believe in soulmates?  If not, then why?  If so, have you met him?

Finding "The One"

*Me and "The One" on our wedding day*

I can still remember my first crush.  Dreaming that he would like me back while listening to mixed tapes that I recorded off the radio for hours in my room.  That longing aching sensation I had inside for a boy I didn't even really know.  He was a smart, cute basketball star and I just wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me.   Along with half the other girls in our school.  At the tender age of Fifteen I felt utterly heartbroken and alone because he never gave me a second glance.  I got over it eventually, but that first crush is something I'll never forget.

I was a "late bloomer."  The glasses didn't get traded in for contacts until Junior year in high school and the much needed orthodontia did not come until my Junior year in College.  In high school I was the girl who only got invited to two high school dances and never had a boyfriend.  I wanted a boyfriend so badly but kissing still seemed sort of disgusting.  Until I finally got to do it myself with my Senior Prom date just after high school graduation.  I cursed my non existent love life back then but as a wizened adult who's been around the block I can look back and say it was a good thing.  My cautious and tentative nature when it came to boys meant that I took things slow which meant that I was very selective with who I gave a chance and didn't have to kiss too many frogs to get to my prince. 

I met my first boyfriend when I was Eighteen and ended up marrying him.  It may have taken me a while to feel comfortable enough to have a boyfriend but once I made up my mind I was all in.  It was great at first.  Isn't it always?  Then, I began to realize that we were were simply too different to make it work.  What's with three years of dating and a four year engagement?  We clearly had reservations but we had been together so long it was our duty to tie the knot so that's what we did.  I didn't even know myself at 18 when we met and 10 years later was still trying to figure it out when I found myself divorced, in my late twenties and dating for the first time in my life.  After a 9 year relationship.

I had plenty of dates but very few connections.  There was a certain feeling that I was looking for and I wasn't going to settle or pretend.  Getting taken out to dinner was fun and all but I never knew how to negotiate that moment when I realized that I didn't like the guy "that way" and I didn't see the point of leading him on.  Dating was fun and being single was OK with me but I prefer having one special person and I found myself in relationship #2 with the proverbial "bad boy" before long.  If you could call it that.  Our relationship status was always a question mark so it never really felt like one and let's just say that he wasn't as "separated" as he claimed to be.  Being so inexperienced I was too naive to see what should have been obvious.  I still considered myself lucky for having been burned only once in my life by a man.

Oh, and remember that first crush?  Right around my dating years he resurfaced.  He lived out of state but when he was back home visiting he always made a point to call me and we'd meet up.  On one such visit, like something out of a movie, he gave me his high school Basketball jersey.  The very same one that I dreamed about having Thirteen years earlier just didn't have the same effect on me now.  He never noticed me before so he wasn't the right boy for me in high school nor the right man for me over a decade later.  That jersey represented everything I ever wanted when I was in the throes of that poignant teenage crush.  I had come full circle from that awkward lonely girl just wanting to be loved, to a woman that had no problem getting dates, who had loved and lost and was now OK with being on her own.

I had a brief but fun long distance romantic interlude with a guy from the other side of the US.  It was just what I needed to get over the two timer and get ready for the most important one yet.  Third time's a charm.  Fresh off of a quasi relationship I knew exactly how things were NOT supposed to be and was simply blown away by the difference.  The very next man who I handed my heart to and asked for love in return is the same man who I am happily married to three years after we met.  The same man who I expect to be married to the rest of my life.

I wasn't supposed to have a high school boyfriend.  I was meant to long for love in a way that would always make me remember how much I want it and just how precious it is.  I wasn't meant to have 10 boyfriends and several short lived romances.  It could have changed me and my path to "the one" in so many ways.  Instead, I was given two relationships and a time for dating in my late twenties.  Nobody plans on divorce, but I was meant to have a "starter" marriage to prepare me for the one that counts.  With each heart break I learned the lessons that I needed to learn and grew in the ways that I needed to grow.  I didn't know it yet but all along I was on the path towards "the one."  And when he came along I was ready for him.  The man I was meant to be with.

Love & The Holidays

There is something about the holidays that makes us love being in love.  The chilly air makes you want to cuddle close.  The pretty twinkly lights beckon for someone special to share them with.  The beautiful Christmas songs suggest love and togetherness with lyrics like, "I'll be home for Christmas" and "All I want for Christmas is you."  We see it on TV too.  The Lexus commercial that shows the beautiful wife come out of her equally beautiful home to find a brand new Lexus with a bright red bow wrapped around it.  A gift from her loving husband.  In the Zale's commercial we see the guy dangling a sparkly diamond necklace outside the window for one lucky woman.  This may or may not cause us to turn and smile expectantly at the man sitting beside us.  And we all know that "Every kiss begins with Kay."  How many women have hoped upon hope to find that diamond engagement ring underneath the tree?  A lot of them do because come January newly engaged couples come out in droves to nail down that wedding venue. 

The Christmas tree, holiday decorating, chilly weather, sounds of the season, family bonding and ongoing festivities causes some kind of chemical reaction in our brain that makes us want to love and be loved.  We want someone to get all dressed up for and go to holiday parties with.  Someone to take home to our family.  We take such delight in shopping for our significant other and receiving something special in return.  When the clock strikes 12 am on New Year’s Eve it's just not the same without a date.  Even better if that date is your partner in life and that kiss represents the hope and promise of a fresh new year that you will share and look forward to together.  The holidays are a magical time.  Love and festivities are in the air and we all want someone special to hold onto as we enjoy everything going on around us.

Six years ago right after Thanksgiving I found myself suddenly single after nine years.  It was difficult enough without having it coincide with the full swing of the holidays.  I really wanted to be happy during this time but my life was literally falling apart and I was too busy trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces to be festive.  I took my big sis to the holiday party that year.  It was a blessing in disguise that the relationship ended and I embraced being single and starting fresh.  I love my family but something about the holidays still made me long for companionship and feel like something was missing.  I had a happily single but open to the perfect man attitude all year long but when the holidays rolled around being single suddenly felt depressing and lonely.  The only thing worse was Valentine's day.  My perfect man did come along four holiday seasons later and I now relish the opportunity to share traditions and festivities of such a fun time with my husband.  He was deployed for most of last year but he made it back just in time for Thanksgiving thank goodness because it just wouldn't have been the same without him.   

There are a lot of break ups just prior to Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has experienced this phenomenon.  Sometimes it's just to avoid spending money on a gift for someone you're not really sure if you like all that much and what could be awkward family meet and greets.  For some, being alone is preferable to the false and empty feeling of being mismatched for the holidays and feeling obligated to go through the motions.  There is also the opposite effect.  Engagements and heartfelt proclamations of love when people realize they don't want to spend another holiday without this amazing person in their life.  The holiday season is powerful.  It serves as a lens through which we view our life and our loved ones taking stock of where we are where we have been and where we are going in the new year.  It is a time of reflection, fun, giving and family.  The holidays may not be about falling in love but there is something about this time of year that makes us want that all the same.

Relationships are so Hard

I was reading a friend's facebook status.  She posted "Relationships are so hard."   It's almost a no brainer to me as to why.  She sort of signed up for hard.  She is a 20 something who has shouldered the burden of being the main provider for herself and her 40 something year old boyfriend.  Not only can her boyfriend not fully take care of himself he is also unable to take care of his eight year old daughter so guess who supports her too?  Not only that but there is a crazy baby mama in the mix.  Then she tells me that she is actually the instigator in a lot of their fights.  I guess they deserve each other.  No wonder her relationship is hard but it got me thinking....are relationships really that hard?  Is my relationship "hard?"

My two previous relationships were in fact very hard but I have since come to realize the reason for that is because I was with the wrong person.  With both relationships they either started out hard or got there pretty quick which was clearly a sign even though I didn't want to see it.  Thank goodness those days are over.  My relationship with Mj has been smooth sailing from the start.  We met, we clicked and we were together.  No trust issues, no petty arguments and no ridiculous miscommunication blunders.  No drama.  We compliment each other and are on the same page.  When I am in a bad mood and feeling like a total bitch I just tell him not take it out on him.  He let's me get through my "mood" and to this day we have never had an argument.  We also keep the lines of communication open.  Our relationship is still young but the same is true of my friend and her boyfriend.  If you can't manage to get along and find a solid level of bliss early on do you really think it's magically just going to come later?  If it's "hard" now then what will it be in five years?  People who struggle and remain in difficult relationships are mostly kidding themselves.  I know because I did it myself.  If he doesn't call you, if you can't trust him, if you argue a lot for no reason or if every other day feels like a new battle then consider the possibility that this is not the person for you.  Unless some major things change the relationship certainly is not going to improve and if you can see that there are no changes taking place then it's probably best to move on.

Find someone who is right for you and eliminate the struggle.  Someone you don't have to question or wonder about. Someone who doesn't add stress to your life.  Everyone says relationships are hard work and I believe it but am happy to say that thus far mine has not been hard or work at all in any way. Unless you count having to be apart for 11 months which was indeed hard but had nothing to do with flaws in our relationship or how we interact with each other.  That separation presented many challenges but we dealt with them well.  Together.  Given time we may find that things become harder and we have to put in some of that work I keep hearing about to stay strong but I'm really glad to say that at least we didn't have to start out that way.  This reconfirms for me just how right for each other we are.  We have an amazing foundation and when the going gets rough we can draw on that to get through it.  In the meantime I will enjoy my not hard relationship and continue to tell my friend that unless they can change the dynamics of their relationship she needs to move on.  Chances are she will continue to not listen to me and I can only hope that one day she wakes up and realizes it doesn't have to be that way.  Like I did.

This whole weekend has been great.  Fri-Sun we mostly just hung out, watched movies and watched TV together with just a few little errands and outings and some housework thrown in here and there.  Today was yet another example of a wonderful day with hubby.  We were practically attached at the hip all day as we lounged around, cuddled and watched football all day enjoying our last day of the long weekend.  I love being with him.  There is nothing hard about that.

Meet Me At El Torito

I am always so flattered when Mj wants to hang out with me. I just think it's so sweet that he wants me around.  I know that husbands, fiances, and boyfriends are supposed to want to hang out with their significant other. It should come naturally. I know this but from what I have observed and from past experience I know that isn't always the case.

I've heard about men who can't seem to wait to get away from their significant other. I even experienced it first hand in my prior relationship. Well, if you could call it that. I was mostly uninvited to get togethers with his friends or co workers. He didn't plan outings for us and in general the most time I spent with him was down the street from my house at a nearby restaurant and at my house. He didn't really invite me out too much and I suppose being married was part of the problem. I should've known better, but considering it was only my 2nd relationship experience lets just say I was a little naive stupid. I was technically the other woman but just too blind to see it. Due to the whole having a secret wife that everyone knew about except me thing, he had other priorities and I was not one of them. I spent way too long in that relationship situation. The years prior to that were spent in an all wrong dysfunctional and slowly deteriorating relationship sinking ship that finally met its inevitable demise after 10 years. We did spend time together but towards the end it was more obligatory then anything else. On both sides. I do feel lucky that I didn't have to kiss too many frogs to get to my prince. They say 3rd time's a charm and in this case it certainly was.

Meeting Mj was a breath of fresh air. Everything just came so naturally. He wanted to spend time with me. He wanted me to come over. He wanted to plan things for us to do together. And he still does. He makes me feel special and wanted. He wants to meet up for lunch dates during the work week and have date nights on weekends.  Frankly, I had just sort of forgotten what that felt like as I had learned to expect nothing from my partner. If Mj didn't want to spend time with me then there would definitely be something wrong with the relationship.  It really should be a given but it's something I don't take for granted. I know what it's like to be treated like a leftover. It's just another reason why I love him so much. It's almost odd to even mention Mj and my other two situations in the same breath considering that I am in such a new place in my life and with such a wonderful man that I rarely reflect on those old days anymore. Considering that Mj is in such a league of his own in terms of being my Mr Right that anything and anyone else totally pales to smithereens in comparison.

Mj e mailed me to ask if I wanted to meet him at a restaurant after work for a happy hour with his co workers for some professional organization he's joined .  My contacts are bugging me, I'm having a bad hair day and the last thing I need is to consume devour the inevitable tortilla chips, quesadilla and beer that I know I'm going to want as soon as I walk in the joint. But, I am going to go because I love spending time with him just as much as he does with me. I love it that he wants me to hang out and have me meet his co workers. And more then anything else, I'm going because it means so much to me just that he wants me to.

He's Finally Coming Home

I will be going to pick Mj up from the airport tomorrow and I still don't really believe that he is coming home. This time last year he was working non stop and gone for most of December getting ready for his deployment. We got engaged, had Thanksgiving, Christmas and then he was gone. It's been such a long time coming but almost a year later he is finally coming home for good. I am so excited that we are finally going to get to actually be together. I have missed him so much. It's been way too long.

Four years nine months of living alone and eleven months without my fiance is coming to an end. Tomorrow his arms will be around me again and I already know it's been well worth the wait.

No more care packages, cyber dates, or frustrating lunch break phone conversations. No more wishing he were here. Instead of watching him sleep inside my computer he will be sleeping right beside me. I'll have a hand to hold, lips to kiss, and a wonderful man to share my life with. I've been kind of a mess for about the last month and am hoping that just being with Mj again is going to help to ease my restless anxious mind.

This day has flown by. I've kept myself occupied by hanging out with a friend and doing a few errands. I have made it this long; I can make it one more day. It's only 8:30 on a Saturday night but I just want to go to bed now so that tomorrow will come that much sooner.

Life Without Mj

I am loosing steam. Like a flower that wilts without sunshine the luster from his visit has worn off and I am becoming droopy and lifeless. When I first found out he'd be leaving for so long just five months into our relationship I was devastated but determined to be strong and just deal with it. His after Christmas departure left me with an ache in my chest and gloomy thoughts of the long months stretched out ahead without him. I wallowed for a bit, but not wanting to be sad and make this separation even more difficult I began my mission to keep myself occupied with friends, family, and various outings. By focusing on short term activities perhaps I can trick myself into forgetting that Mj is not around.

We missed what would have been our first New Years together, but we got Thanksgiving and Christmas so I have to be grateful for that. Happy hour here, get together there. I was a trooper for a while until about April. Only 3 months after he left, 3 months until I'd see him again and 7 long months until he'd be home for good. I let my negativity get the best of me and had a horrible birthday. To pass the time in May I focused on looking forward to an end of month visit with my sister. Last year Mj and I had so much fun at the fair together and I made the best of it this year but it felt flat in comparison. At the end of June, I had my excitement over his July visit to keep me going. The joy of our 11 days together kept me fired up for a while and the Joe's Jeans contest provided a welcome and exciting distraction. Two months post visit and any remaining embers have long been extinguished and I am left with only ash and smoke as I find my self in a rut again.

When I watch a really good movie I still wish he was here to share it with me and sometimes I save and re play his old voicemail messages just because I like to hear his voice. My enthusiasm to "get out there and have fun dammit" has fizzled out. I am so tired most of the time during the work week anyways that by the weekend all I really want to do is cyber date Mj. Is it weird that I would rather stay at home in front of my laptop with my not really there cyber fiance then to venture out and interact with real live people? I don't care if I go anywhere or do anything else as long as I get to see his handsome face for a few hours. When I go to sleep at night I imagine what it feels like to have his arms around me. When he is beside me sleep isn't something I hope for, it just happens. Every song I hear reminds me of him and that dull ache has crept it's way back into the center of my chest.

Every month that passes, every care package I've sent, every phone conversation we have is one step closer to seeing him again.

I have lived alone for going on 5 years and have always prided myself on my independence. So what did I do before he came into my life? I was a fully sometimes dysfunctional human being before we met so why is it so difficult to be without him now? Well, that was then. Before I knew any better. Before I knew how wonderful loving and living could truly be. Before he let the sunshine in.

Oh how I miss that man. Eleven months is a long time. Simply put my patience for life without Mj has worn thin. A part of me is missing and I can't get it back until he comes home.

I Think I Love My Husband

-MJ in Kosovo-

Ok so I don't think, I know. Oh, how I love my husband....err, Fiance.  There are seriously times that I have to pinch myself just because I cannot believe that I got lucky enough to have such a wonderful man. Yesterday during our usual lunch break phone session he told me all the reasons that he loved me. He was so sleepy and as it got closer to the end of my lunch break and closer to his bedtime I could tell he was dozing off. I don't get offended. Hey, it's late and the guy is tired. Even so, he didn't want to get off the phone until our full hour was up even though I kept saying, "just go to bed."

Today he sent me an e mail out of the blue just saying he was thinking about me. When I asked him what made him think about me today he just said that he is always thinking about me. This day is no different than any other-he just so happened to tell me about it in an e mail.  My heart...melting. Oh, and did I mention how absolutely sexy and adorable he is?

Sometimes the phone relationship gets old. I get frustrated and irritable and I told him as much today. He always more than makes up for those frustrations just by continuing to be him and I love him for it. "Awww....how cute, they must still be in the honeymoon phase.  It won't last," is what they say.  Well, we have been together long enough that we are definitely past that point. True, during the time that we have been together he has been deployed for almost half of it, but long distance relationships come with its own set of potential pitfalls and we have held up just fine through the worst of it thus far. I know the true test comes when he comes back and we shack up in my studio which is small enough for one person let alone two. On the one hand I say, "We must be crazy!!" but on the other hand I think it will be good for us to know we can get through something like that. Regardless, this will be our home for however long it takes us to find a house. Space will be limited. We're gonna get on each other's nerves. My neat freak tendencies are going to be sent into overdrive and will probably drive us both crazy. We will disagree. We might argue. Bring it. I'm ready.

Kiss Me Through The Phone

I spend my lunch breaks in my car talking to MJ before he goes to bed. Because of the nine hour time difference that is really the only time we get to talk during the work week. He tells me I have put him on restriction but I didn't really have a choice. Just this month we have cut down to Mon, Wed, Fri for an hour instead of five days a week because I only have 1000 minutes that can be used outside of nights and weekends and the numbers just weren't adding up. I feel like something is missing on the days I wake up in the morning and know that I won't be talking to him. I considered just talking for 30 minutes daily but once I have him on the phone that feels way to short and it's hard for me say good bye, until I have to.

We basically have a long distance relationships right now so the phone has become our primary means of communication. It's great and all but the phone really does have it's limits. Telling him about my day or what's going on in my life day after day on the phone can get old and it's not because I don't love him or because I don't want to talk to him. There is a whole element of non verbal communication that is totally missing when all you get to do is talk on the phone. So much gets lost in translation. I'll mention something and he'll have no clue what I'm talking about even though I told him about it just a few days before. He'll say something and I can't hear him because of poor reception or maybe his voice is too low. I'll say something and he says "what?" so I have to repeat everything twice. I'll deliver what is essentially a monologue about one thing or another and I can't really be sure if he's heard a word I've said. After this happens over and over again I begin to feel that he is either tired, not paying attention, or I am boring him to death. I have no idea which because I CANT SEE HIM. Suddenly, I am feeling irritable and I don't feel like talking anymore. Then, I feel like the wicked witch of the West because this is my fiance, I love him dearly, and even as irritable as I am feeling I just want to hear his voice. He has been so wonderful to me throughout this separation. During the extremely busy pre deployment trainings and traveling he was working 7 days a week but he always made time for me. Since he's been overseas I have never had to wonder if he'll call me, if he misses me or if he's thinking about me because he has been so great about being right there on the phone telling me. He lets me run my mouth about anything and everything for hours on end without complaint. Sometimes if he wakes up in the middle of the night (afternoon or evening my time) he'll call just to hear my voice and say "I love you." He just gets it that I need to hear from him and he does it willingly.

I am really am lucky and grateful to be able to talk to my deployed soldier as much as I do and I am even luckier that my deployed soldier is as thoughtful as he is. So, for now the hour long lunch break phone conversations and weekend Cyber Dates are here to stay. When he gets home we can NOT talk on the phone all we want because we'll be talking and doing all kinds of other things...up close and personal!

Care Package For My Cutie

I was luxuriating in bed feeling quite lazy after sleeping in on a Saturday morning when It suddenly occurred to me that I was supposed to get a care package out to MJ. The post office closes a 1:00 pm and it's about 10 am so I jumped up and got into the shower so I could get out the door and get going. I have other errands to run and so while I was out I was also trying to get those done too. Errands can be so annoying, especially when you are in a hurry and you just don't feel like doing them. I went to Food 4 Less and picked up a bunch of his favorite snacks but they didn't have the one thing he specifically requested which was Salami sticks. So, I rushed to Target to pick up some things I needed since it's right next door then I go to Ralph's looking for those darn meat sticks. Nope, not there either so he'll have to settle for Salami slices. I drive to the post office and put all of his goodies inside and tape it up with the packaging tape I keep in my car just for this purpose. Feeling triumphant that I have made my deadline with 45 minutes to spare I walk into the post office only to find that it now closes at 12pm. Damn budget cuts!! The sign on the door says there is another one nearby that is open later so I stop at the house to drop off the items I'd picked up from the grocery store that need refrigeration then head back out to the post office. Too bad I passed this very post office 2x during my earlier errands without even realizing it existed!! Then, there is the lovely long line that seems to be a constant no matter which post office you go to.

Although, fairly isolated he is on an actual military base where he does have access to stores with snacks and various sundries but it's not the same as getting them from me. And, there are some things he can't get. If he wants or needs something I send it. Right after he left I ordered a package of standard rate priority boxes and have probably sent him about a package a month during the course of his deployment so far. Besides phone and computer it's just one more way of staying in touch, supporting him, and letting him know that he may be far away but he is not forgotten. I love sending him packages and I really think he appreciates receiving them from me so it's well worth the running around it sometimes takes to get them to him. I only have one more package to send him which is a very good thing because that means he's coming home soon.

Long Awaited Visit With My Fiance

 I couldn't have asked for a better visit. In a word, it was perfect and the main reason for that is simply because we were together. I was excited but also nervous while I waited for him at the airport but the moment I spotted him and gave him a big hug the nerves melted away and we picked up right where we left off. I couldn't take my eyes off of him that first night. It was so amazing to me that he was right in front of me in the flesh and not a flat image in my computer. I could actually touch him. He upgraded to business class on the international leg of his flight so he was actually pretty well rested when he got here.

We spent three nights in Vegas. We stayed at Polo Towers in The Villas. Our room was so nice!! Full kitchen, living area, flat screens, and dual sinks in the marble bathroom. The first night was our party night. We did Karaoke night at Imperial palace. I did two songs and thanks to the Tequila felt like quite the star even though my actual singing voice told a completely different story. MJ was sweet enough to do one song even though he actually hates Karaoke. We finished off the night at the Shadow Bar in Caesar's Palace. Night two was a delicious Italian dinner at Zefferino's where the service was impeccable and then we saw Blue Man Group. I didn't know it rained in Vegas! We had to take a cab back to our hotel so we wouldn't get soaked. Our last night we just wanted to relax so we hung out at the pool, watched a DVD in our hotel and ordered room service. Staying in, going out-we had just as much fun either way. What happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas-the good times continued back at home. We did a picnic by the beach and met some of his friends for happy hour among other things. Everyday with him was just as wonderful if not more then the one before it.

I still get a little teary eyed when I think about how yesterday he was here and today he is not. I slept better then ever every night he was here and after just one night without him the insomnia is back. I started missing him exactly two seconds after I had to say good bye. I treasured every single moment that we spent together and now the countdown starts up all over again but this time instead of 6 1/2 months it's only 3 1/2. The worst part is over and when he comes home next time it will be for good.

My Cyber Fiance

We decided to get married and then he left the country. I haven't felt his touch since December 27, 2008. I finally meet the man of my dreams and just as quickly he is snatched away. Our whirlwind adventure of amazing dates, getting to know each other and falling madly in love was to be rudely interrupted. One minute I'm day dreaming about what it would be like to marry him and the next I find out he is leaving for what feels like forever. I knew he was in the Army National Guard but that's just one weekend a month and two weeks during the summer right? Well, not exactly. Apparently, at any time a soldier can be fully activated and just like that life as you know it comes to a screeching halt ready or not.

He jokes with me that I was "difficult" and I have to say in a lot of ways I agree. I was kind of a tough cookie to crumble. That independent streak that I'd wrapped around myself with pride was being challenged like never before. My mind kept telling me that I didn't deserve him. My heart on the other hand was telling me something entirely different. Being sad and lonely was painful but comfortable in it's familiarity. It was a constant. It was what I knew. It was expected and like it or not I accepted it as my fate. I didn't believe I was good enough for anything better. I still say that if it were any other person it would not have been enough. His winning smile and his incredible personality melted my resolve. I had to be brought to a place where my heart could not be ignored. A place where I choose myself over my sadness and fear of letting him down. He was absolutely the one who could take me there. I am a tortured soul and It would be a huge mistake for someone who has everything going for him to end up with a woman like me. Don't help me, don't get too close or be too kind. I am so glad he didn't listen. He loved me and and nothing I said or did made him run and so eventually I followed. I followed my heart and it led me to a future I never thought could be mine. One that doesn't have a clouds and misery lurking around every corner. One in which I am as deserving of happiness and love as anyone else.

Since he left for Kosovo our plans have come to an abrupt halt. All we can do is love each other as hard as we can from a distance while we look forward to our future together. He goes to bed on my lunch break and wakes up when I am going to bed. I burn through my Whenever minutes like they are going out of style and Skype is is my new best friend. I feel lucky that I get to talk to him daily and cyber date him on the weekends. Watching him fall asleep inside my computer is the highlight of my day and thoughts of the moment when he will fall asleep beside me keeps me going. We met in March of last year and knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together by November. The good news is that after 6 1/2 months I finally get to see him. The bad news is that after 12 blissful days of togetherness he will have to leave. He may be my Cyber Fiance right now but in the not so distant future he will be my Real Life Husband and all I can say is....I can't wait for what happens next.