Why Have A Wedding At All?

I'd get a call from a vendor regarding a balance due.   Like nothing I'd get my purse, whip out that Master Card and fork over a couple hundred bucks.  It became routine.  Between buying a house and the wedding we'd been throwing around money right and left and while it seemed so jaw dropping and overwhelming when we first started all this somehow I became desensitized.

While it is extremely important not to go overboard and spend outside your means I also don't think it makes sense to spend a dime at all if it's not at at least close to what you want.  I'd rather spend 10k and love my wedding then to spend 5K be disappointed and feel regret about spending even that much because I didn't get much of what I really wanted.  Even though there are moments when I feel that it is positively obscene to spend this much money on a party I have no regrets for these reasons: 

1. We really wanted a traditional wedding for ourselves and for our families.  We wanted to celebrate this amazing moment with everyone.  Weddings aren't free.  We knew it wasn't going to be cheap.  We knew we were going to be spending way more then we ever normally would on an event but we decided to do it anyways.
2. We balanced budget with our vision.  I know I did my very best on finding the best prices and getting what we could for our money.   I shopped around and just said no to things that were beyond our reach financially.  Even if it wasn't as elaborate as the wedding industry would have you believe it should be we stuck to what we can afford AND planned a wedding modeled after our vision of what we wanted our wedding to be.
3. We did not go into debt.  Everything was paid in cash and our wedding will not be hanging over our head financially at all.  Had we not been able to do this I'm not so sure how comfortable I would be with having had a wedding but fortunately we were able to.
4. Our wedding was something that I was proud of even on a budget.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  You can't half way do it once you make the decision to have a wedding.  If I am going to ask people to travel cross country I want to plan an event to make it worth their while.  Even if we could invite 80 guests inside the courthouse with the justice of the peace for a 15 minute ceremony for close to $0 dollars and call it a day I certainly wouldn't expect them to come so far just for that.  This might be different for every bride.
5. Our wedding brought family AND friends together.

The very best reason of all that I am glad we did this and one you can't necessarily put a price tag on is #5.  That weddings bring families together in a way in which under any other circumstances would probably not ever happen.  How many times in your life will you ever have a gathering (not counting funerals) like this that will bring both sides (let alone one side) of the family together all in one place? Probably never. Some families do have regular family reunions but most don't.  Who has time or money for it?  What other time will you spring for a party and invite your entire family and tons of friends to come?  Maybe NEVER! Most people can't justify spending even a couple thousand on a party-unless it's a wedding.  Maybe at some point you might have a 40th B Day bash or a retirement party blow out but even then no one goes to the extraordinary lengths to show up that they would for a wedding.  At the end of the day it was the people who were there sharing our marriage with us that made it all so special.  They became a part of our wedding experience and it was truly wonderful.

There is something so special and sacred about a wedding that makes it important enough that people will do what it takes and come from afar just they can just to be a part of it.   It's still not worth spending beyond your means but that alone is priceless and like our wedding a once in a lifetime occurrence.  I am so glad it's an experience that I did not have to miss out on.

Money & Weddings: What Kind Of Bride Are You?

How much to spend on a wedding may very well be one of the very first major money decisions a couple will make. I have identified four different approaches to wedding planning and spending.  Every couple probably falls into one of these categories or perhaps a combo of two depending on budget, the kind of wedding and how much it costs.

1. Elopers: Those who say to hell with it all and elope to a place like Hawaii, Vegas, or their local court house saving a boatload of money and time in the process.
2. Frugal Non Traditionalists: Those who buck all tradition. They save a ton of money and say screw the wedding industry. I'm going to cook my own food, wear a dress from Macy's and have my wedding in a converted barn. Not that those weddings can't be lovely but the time, man power and creativity and DIY projects it takes to pull it off right...well it's not for everybody.
3. Frugal Traditionalists: Couples who don't totally subscribe to the wedding industry machine and are doing it all or mostly on their own. They make sacrifices here so they can splurge a little there and pull off a traditional wedding to their liking while still managing to spend well under the national average which is $19,581 according to costofwedding.com.  The average for my city is between $20,651 and $34,419.
4. Platinum Partiers: Those who go ALL out and ALL traditional and beyond with a lot of bells and whistles spending loads of money in the process.  These folks spend at least or well above the national average and their weddings look like something out of a bridal magazine complete with themes and maybe even an ice sculpture or two.  They either simply have the money to spend, are receiving major financial help from family or are incurring large debt and stretching their budgets beyond all reason to accommodate their expensive desires.

Can you guess what category we fall into? Frugal Traditionalists all the way. My extreme budget conscious mind sometimes wished I were part of the Frugal non traditionalist category because this would have cost us much less but that just isn't us. We want what we want but are willing to make sacrifices in certain areas to make it happen within our budget. We are not really credit card people. Our cars are paid off and are credit card balances are typically paid off month to month. If we had to do all of this on credit cards then it means we can't afford it and I'm not quite certain if I would have felt comfortable doing that. But luckily, we will not start our married life in debt because we have paid cash for everything we had to buy for our house AND our wedding. Granted, a lot of cash that is gone and never coming back that probably could have been used for important things like shopping sprees or emergency savings, backyard landscaping or for who knows what in the future. We made the decision that having a traditional wedding while not essential was important enough for us to use it for this.

Wedding Sticker Shock

The Date: July 10, 2010
The Colors: Black & PASTEL PINK
Guest Count:  75
Location:  Hotel


Wedding Event-Day Of
Food & Beverage pkg w/Cocktail Hour: $5,338.00
Hosted Beverages: $888.00
DJ & Up lighting: $700.00
Photographer: $1,625.00
Officiant: $0 [ordain a friend]
Ceremony Venue Fee: $1,190.00

Cake: $421.25
Flowers: $447.73
Chair Covers: $233.70

DIY Centerpieces: $80.00

Guest Favors: $80.00

Place Cards: $57.00
Ceremony Arch Dressing: $100.00

Guest Parking: $115.00
Total: $11,275.68

Accessories/Extra Items
Invitations/RSVP: $189.60
Bridal Party Gifts: $90.00

Rehearsal Dinner: ($438.00) [gift from 'rents]

Mani/Pedi: $50.00

Hair: $85.00

Bridal Party Make Up Artist: ($350.00)[Gift from mom]

Total: Actual-$1202.60,  Our cost- $414.60 

Wardrobe
Wedding Dress:$491.00
Dress Alterations: $224.00

Bride Shoes:$32.00
Jewelry:  $0 [passed down from grandma]
Groom Tuxedo:$0 [free w/5 paid rentals]
Total: $747.00

We got generous cash wedding gifts from Mj's mom, grandma, and aunt which we deposited into our joint savings.  Budget wise I think I did well keeping things in check so my sticker shock is not all that shocking which is a very good thing.  I shopped around and said no to things that didn't fit the budget.  Tax of 8.75 and gratuity at a whopping 19 percent cut into the budget big time so i had to consider that as well.  Looking at my list of expenses I can definitely see areas where I could have cut costs.  We didn't have to spend $800 on hosted beverages.  We could have got cheaper invitations or settled for the slightly less tasty but probably just as beautiful [and ideally the right color] $325 cake.  The guest list could have been cut in half.  I could have settled for a much cheaper dress.  We could have had a wedding luncheon with no DJ or hors dourves only and no sit down dinner.  We could have had it at a park and hired a local restaurant to cater the food.  Heck, we could've just had a BBQ right?  There are all kinds of things we could have done differently but to do so would have compromised what we wanted way too much.  I also see tons of areas where we could have indulged and added on thousands easy but didn't.  

That being said, our my goal was a nice neat $10,000 not including wardrobe, grooming, honeymoon, rings etc. for day of items central to carrying out the wedding on the day itself.  That was what I shot for but all the while I knew that it would still be OK if we finished somewhere in the $11's.  I may have had doubts before but AFTER wedding I can honestly say without question it was worth every penny.  I am so glad that I didn't over obsess on or spend extra money on budget busting items that I really wanted but could live without because when it came down to it none of that really mattered.  Did my vows mean any less or did I have less fun because I didn't have fresh flower centerpieces?  Nope!  It's more about the vows, the people, and the energy of the event then anything else.  The rest really is "just details."  Even having the wrong cake didn't spoil the magic of my day and that is a really important element.  Would I have preferred to have the cake I ordered that matched my colors?  Yes, but the show must and did go on.  Thank goodness I didn't feel compelled to spend 20K or even 15K! If we had of course it would have been more grand and extravagant but once you get to a certain threshold I don't think that extra expenditure of money is going to enhance your core wedding experience that much more.  I had an AMAZING wedding on 11K.  It's definitely possible!

All of those things that many brides obsess over don't matter as much as you think they will.  I do believe that it is important to get most of what you want though-whatever that is.  It's still your party and there is no point in doing it at all if it isn't going to be something you want.  You just have to find a balance.

The Day After The Wedding

The day after the wedding I was still flying high.  The ladies went off to Vegas for the night so we had Sunday to ourselves.  We hung out with my family at hotel  for a little bit then checked out at 1pm and went to breakfast.  We came home to a pile of gifts on the kitchen counter.  It's funny, but I kinda forgot about this part.  I didn't think we'd have so many presents.  Yes, you spend a lot to have a wedding but you do get something back in the way of gifts.  We jumped right in and opened them and organized receipts and wrote down who bought what right then.  No time like the present-excuse the pun!  I was tired and other then watch a movie we didn't do much else.

I knew I wanted to post about my wedding but there was just so much that happened and so much to say that I didn't know where to start.  All of a sudden I got inspired and found myself tapping away at my lap top for hours.  Seriously-my intention was not to do a 4 part saga about my wedding day but once I got started I was on a roll and it kept going and going and that's what it turned into.  I couldn't seem to stop until I got it all out.  I wanted it all written down so I will always have it to look back on.  With my bad memory I am certain that some of the details will start to fade.  but I have every detail and thought and feeling of that special day preserved forever now.

I took Monday off and we used that day to take our cash and gift cards to Bed Bath & Beyond and pick up a few things we wanted off our registry AND get curtains.  I really didn't think that we would be out getting curtains 2 days after our wedding but hubby was motivated to finally get this done so I went with it.  We got 10% off of everything we bought that day-not just registry items which was nice.  We got the other half of our dinnerware set and some towels I really wanted for the downstairs 1/2 bath.  On our way home we stopped at Hooters since hubby had a craving for their wings.  It was my first time there.  We totally disagreed over which Hooter Girl had the best bod.  Then we went home unpacked our bags, put away our wedding gifts and installed curtains.  Hubby pitched right in with helping me re organize some things in the kitchen.  There are only a few items we will need to return.  At some point I planned to lay down and take a nap but that never happened.

His aunts and mom came home around 7:00 pm and I stayed up pretty late with them chatting about their trip and the wedding.  Mj wasn't going back to work until Wednesday and they all tried to convince me to take one more day but as much as I wanted to I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Mj spent hours trying to get the pics out of his aunts camera but with 3 laptops, 2 memory disks and a power cord nothing seemed to work.  We just couldn't get the computers to read the camera.  I was so disappointed because I got hardly got any pics with my camera.  I was wishing I had assigned someone to take pics with it.  My mom got some but it could be weeks before I get them from her and I was anxious to have them NOW.  When hubby came to say goodnight I stuck out my lip and whined a little that I wanted those pictures really bad.  He said, "Baby, I tried-it wouldn't work." 

"But I really, really want them.  I have no pictures.  She took some great shots and I'll be really, really sad if I don't have them."  

"Do you want me to try one more time?" 

"Yes...please."  And so he did.  He was up until 2 am working on it and still doesn't know how he got them out but he did.  Bless his heart.

Saying good bye to the ladies Tuesday morning as I went off to work was so sad.  They were all part of this amazing wedding experience and I really enjoyed having them there with us and getting to know them.  Going back to work sucked of course but I was still on cloud 9 so I got through it OK.  The atmosphere at work seemed oddly festive that day for some reason.  Everyone was really chatty and wanted to hear about the wedding.  My co workers got us an awesome gift of a picnic backpack complete with tiny wine glasses, plates, and a cheese cutting board.  They also got us a blanket in a bag and two bottles of wine to go with it.  We had something similar on our registry.

Part of the week was spent catching up on TV shows and blogs and just hangin' out-no frantic running around included.  We have left over wedding cake that we took home and we are trying to eat a little  bit every day so it doesn't go bad.  Now, it's Saturday and I am looking forward to the weekend to get some rest in and clean house.  The weather has turned HOT.  It looks like we are finally catching up with the rest of the country and getting our summer over here.  It's about time.

I still can't stop thinking about the wedding.  I thought I would just be relieved that it was over but I have this sense of loss instead.  I am actually sad that it's over and when I read about other bloggers still in the planning process I am jealous!!  I want to do it again!! I never ever thought I would feel that way. 

I am actually glad that our honeymoon isn't until October.  It gives us a chance to re group and settle in.  Mj got back in November 09.  In December we started hunting for wedding locations and in January we started house hunting.  The wedding planning was ongoing.  We closed on a house, moved in May and had our wedding two months later.   Needless to say it's been a super busy year for us and finally we have completed everything we set out to do.  There is this sort of "now what" feeling but it's nice to still have our 7 days in Oahu, Hawaii to look forward to.  I can get back into house decorating and having a life that revolves around things other then home buying, moving and wedding plans.

I don't feel that much different.  We already live together so now that it is official not too much changes-except my last name.  Married life begins and just like the words in our ceremony it's important to keep doing the same things that got us here in the first place.

Our Wedding Rocked [Part IV]

I was never that little girl who dreamed of having a wedding. I never had visions of where I wanted it or what dress I would wear. Not that I didn't want one. I think I mostly just believed it was something I could never have. For me it was something that other people get to do. Not something I would never be able to afford or ever be lucky enough to have for myself.

I was so blase about it at the beginning. Is it worth the money? Do we really need to do all of this? We are buying a house this year-can we really justify it?  Now that I have done it I completely understand what all of the fuss is about and I am so glad I didn't miss out. It is worth every penny. This amazing night was truly priceless and I am thrilled that I will always have this precious memory of celebrating our marriage with friends and family.  I have never felt more beautiful in my entire life.  There is something about that pristine white dress.  Something about celebrating love and the combining of two people that brings out this incredible outpouring of emotion and joy.  There is nothing like it.  There is so much planning and effort involved yet it goes by in a flash. All of these people are there with you in this special moment and then in the blink of an eye they are gone. There are so many precious memories to treasure.  I can honestly say it was easily one of the best days of my life.  And when you think about it that's really how it should be-that's why us brides do this at all.  It's more then just a party and more then a wedding to me.  It's a feeling.  It is a momentous moment and it is absolutely magical.

We packed up the centerpiece parts and gathered up our belongings.  The gifts were packed into the car.  We said our final good byes to the last group of people.  For a moment I feel relief that all the planning and meetings and weekends consumed by wedding details are over. But another part of me is saying, "I want to do it again!!" Planning could be stressful at times and time consuming but the whole experience from the day of setting up blur, walking down the aisle, and our first dance was just that wonderful.  Just that amazing and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.  Not even the cake mistake can spoil it for me and I am really proud of the end result.  It feels like a great accomplishment and the culmination of everything that we've been working towards for the last 7 months.

I am savoring my last moments as a princess.  Tired but wired all at the same time.  Oh what a long yet short, exhilarating yet exhausting day it's been.  I am drunk off of happiness, joy, and more then a little bit of wine.  

We were much too tired for champagne and strawberries that night.  We had other priorities.  Can you really say that you consummated your marriage when the consummating portion has already taken place....before the wedding?  Well, regardless of the technicalities as exhausted as we were there was consummating and we drifted off happily into a deep sleep with our arms wrapped tightly around each other. 

The perfect end to a perfect day.  I got my prince charming and a beautiful wedding to go along with him. 

Today was a fairy tale.

Pro Pic Recaps:  Bride Gets Ready

Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night [Part III]

PHOTO OPS
Taking pics is fun! Mj and I have become a walking, talking photo op.  We do all the traditional family and bridal party shots but we also try to have a little fun with it.

                                                                    

Me and my mum

After pics it takes an army of ladies to get me bustled up.  There are six bustles on my dress and of course I can't remember where any of them are so they played "find the bustle button" until I'm all pinned up.  Now I can stop kicking my dress around corners. 

GRAND ENTRANCE

Right on schedule the guests are ushered into the reception room from the cocktail hour and the bridal party waits just outside the room for our entrance. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this but at the last minute I decided we should. We are the stars of the party right? We might as well enjoy this and it also recognizes our bridal party. I envisioned feeling shy and on the spot as we entered the room but the reality was nothing like that. I am only happy and excited to get in there. This room is filled with good friends and family and love. They cheer and clap for us as "I Gotta Feeling" blasts through the room and Mj and I sort of walk/dance into the room and it's a wonderful feeling. Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night alright.

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR CAKE?
We head to our sweetheart table where our champagne bottle is waiting for us. We have a chance to look around the room and see how beautiful the whole set up is. I glance to my left and think really, really hope it is just poor lighting or my eyes playing tricks on me when I see our cake sitting there. I blink a few times and it doesn't change. It's the design we picked out but instead of a pink cake with black and pink stripes around each tier we got a pink cake with dark grey and black stripes sitting there trying to pass as our wedding cake. I come to the sad realization that our beautiful expensive wedding cake is the wrong color and I am just glad that I didn't find out before. This is our night and I am not letting that impostor of a cake get me down. We'll figure out what went wrong later.

LETS EAT

The staff starts bringing out dinner plates.  I have heard stories about crazy brides who didn't even eat their entree but not us!  We sat there and enjoyed our Tri Tip steak and chatted.  It was fun to look around the room and see all of our guests enjoying themselves.  Dinner hadn't even ended yet when there were a few folks already on the dance floor....including Blue Suit.  Yeah....at the last minute I told me dad he could stay but that he had to wait until everyone else was seated to find a spot.  I had to make dad sweat a little but I am not a total and complete bridezilla.  He gifted us with a bottle of Dom Perignon for goodness sake and I don't want to punish him!  My anger was directed at my dad for totally disregarding my wishes.  Incidentally, he wasn't the only "party crasher."  One of my friends brought someone who wasn't technically invited nor did she RSVP'd for.  Nothing against this person.  I like her, but it still puzzles me how some folks just don't get it about how weddings operate.  She could have told me asked.  Moving on.

Having a smallish wedding Mj and I were able to go around the entire room and greet all of our guests at each table which was really nice.  We worked the room and then met outside for a bathroom run.  I hadn't used the restroom since I put the dress on and was happy to find I was able to do it without dunking my dress in the toilet.  Mj was in total disbelief about how the men's bathroom looked like a truck stop bathroom compared to the ladies spa like retreat.  Yep.  I had him come inside just in case I needed help with the dress.

TOASTS & TEARS

We decided to have the DJ open up the floor for toasts.  Just when I thought I was all cried out for the night I quickly find out that I am not.  One of my dear friends and co workers S stands up to speak and I am so touched by her words that the tears start flowing again.  We were in the claims trenches together having been co workers for 8 years.  I vented to her endlessly on bad days at work.  We confided in each other and shared our hopes and disappointments over countless lunch breaks.  I was at her wedding.  My goodness....sometimes you just don't realize what you mean to others and vice versa until moments like this and that is what is so wonderful this.  The room is full of love and everyone is just so happy for you.  It can be emotional.  My little sis is so shy and quiet but she wanted so much much to get up there and express her happiness for us in front of everyone.  I know how hard that must've been for her.  She says "I have always looked up to you. And I'm so happy for you" and the tears start rolling again.  I begin to wonder if I will cry through my entire wedding.  These are tears of joy though not sadness and there is nothing too bad about that.  Some toasts are funny and others make me cry.  We even had an impromptu and unexpected burst of song from my cousin-random but sweet.  We went a bit over schedule but I really think it was wonderful to give anyone the opportunity to speak.

CAKE CUTTING & FIRST DANCES
The DJ tells us we are behind schedule because we had so many takers on our toast so we move right into the cake cutting. For an impostor cake it sure did taste good. Mj and I cut the cake and I reached for a fork but he wanted us to feed it to each other with our fingers which was cute and fun. No cake in face shoving as discussed! Then it was time for the Bride & Groom first dance. Even though everyone was watching us I felt like we were in our own little world.  We move into the Father/Daughter dance to "Can You Feel The Love Tonight." Then about 40 seconds in Mj and his mom joined in. This is another tradition that we almost didn't do but I am so glad we did.

PARTY TIME
After that it really was party time.  I was just the perfect amount of tipsy and I had a blast for the remainder of the night.  We stepped out to do a few night time pics with our photographer and we chatted here and there guests and did a lot of dancing.  Weddings are a whirlwind.  You hope that everyone had a great time but almost feel badly that it goes by so fast and you don't really get to spend that much time together.  They sweep in and share a special moment with you and just as quickly they are gone.  It's just the way it goes.  Guests started coming up to say good bye as the night went on.  I still don't know exactly what time our wedding ended but as guests dwindled and we were down to just a small group of dancers I told the DJ we were ready for our last song and got down on the dance floor until the very end.  I'm so glad that people had a good time.

Even four days later I am still re living my favorite moments and am filled with so much joy over how well everything turned out.  The sights, the feelings, the emotions, the fun.  Sure, I planned to have fun at my wedding but this  night far exceeded any expectations I had.  It was just that much of an amazing night.

Part IV:  Our Wedding Rocked!