Breaking Bad and Thongs

A little bit of random...

It really sucks waking up for work on Friday morning when your husband has the day off and is slumbering away in bed.  But such is life.

I'm really proud of myself for breaking the shopping habit.  I was clean and shopping sober all last month and I plan to do it again this month.  Okay, so I did purchase some exercise DVD's but that's essential to my health and well being so it doesn't count.  Save, save save is my mantra until Vacations and The Holiday's show up to kick my financial butt.

Like everyone else I love, love loved the Breaking Bad finale.  I love it how everything was wrapped up and seems to have happened exactly as it should.  On the surface the show was about a Biology teacher with cancer turned big time meth dealer and the twists and turns his life takes as he switches careers.  The take away message was so much more then that and in the end I was able to identify with Walter White the way I had in the beginning before he got all evil and I started hating his guts.  We all want to be successful and good at something.  We want to provide for ourselves and our families, but if you let your desire for money, power and success overcome your morality it will destroy you in the end. It might take a while but evenutually it will.  Not a bad message for a show where eleventy million people were murdered over meth.

Confession Time!!!

I confess that I've never tried a Pumpkin Spice or Pumpkin anything and thanks to blog land it truly feels like a deep dark shameful secret.

I confess that it was 65 degrees on the way to work and expected to get to 81 ish by afternoon and I'm still loving it even though everyone has gone all goo goo ga ga over Fall.  The boots and sweaters are still off duty and I'm totally thrilled.  Thanks to blogland this also feels like a really deep dark shameful secret.

Linking up with Leslie @ A Blonde Ambition

I confess that I can't swim.  I never learned as an itty bitty child and then when I was around middle school age there were a few rounds of swimming lessons but by then I think it was too late.  I can doggy paddle but if I were tossed into the middle of a body of water I would definitely drown.  My dad is the only one in my family who can swim.  I think my bones are too heavy.  We were watching Iron Man 3 and there was this awesome scene where he gets everyone to hook together when they fall out of the plane.  He saved them by dropping them into the ocean when they got close enough.  I was thinking, how cool that he saved all those people-except if I were one of them I'd still die.

I confess that I get really excited when my underwear matches my outfits.  I'm not sure why since no one else can see that I am perfectly coordinated but somehow I feel just that much more "finished" and put together.  While I'm on the topic of underpants are people still wearing thongs?  I just can't.  I never found a thong that didn't feel like something uncomfortably lodged in my butt.  I wore one a few weeks ago for a few hours and it was awful.  Oh the things we do for our husbands!

I confess that my posture is terrible.  I feel like I'm sticking my boobs out if my back is too straight but I think that's just because I'm not as used to sitting up straight as I should be.  Actually, it's gotten a little better as I've tried to be more aware of it.  Having a husband who yells out "posture" like some kind of personal image coach drill sergeant has definitely helped.  If I don't want to hear his mouth I better pull my shoulders back.

I confess that I will be out enjoying our Non Fall weather at Mission Beach on Saturday and chilling at home on the couch on Sunday. 

Happy Friday!!

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Why I Like Being a Small Blog

I haven't been posting a whole lot.  But that's okay.  I can do that.  We don't like to but sometimes we just can't help comparing ourselves to those blogs that earn money, have thousands of page views per day, get a ga-zillion comments or boatloads of free stuff.  That is all well and good but it comes at a price that some of us little blogs don't have to pay.  I realize that "small" or "large" when referring to blogs is subjective but I think we have a general idea of what category our own blog fits into.  Here are some reasons that I really like being a little blog.

1)  Pressure.  In order to keep those page views up and keep the money coming in from advertisers or sponsors or whatever else you have to generate a lot of content and buzz about your blog.  As a smaller blog I simply don't have that pressure.  I don't have sponsor posts, product reviews, link ups or giveaways that have to go up.  I didn't even realize that posting every day was a "thing" until I kept reading posts apologizing for not being able to post everyday.  What? I'm just not that creative and I don't want to post something just to call it a post.  I've never been a daily poster.  Well, except that one time I posted for days on end about my European Vacation which ironically enough is the kind of post that a lot of readers hate.  I don't feel that pressure to come up with the next greatest blog post to keep readers entertained every day.  I don't feel any pressure to compete for top blogger.  When I finally get around to turning that blog draft into a post I do and if there is nothing I feel like blogging about I don't.  I may or may not plan guest posts when I go on vacation.  Don't get me wrong.  I love writing and coming up with great content that people enjoy.  It's such a rush!  But I like not feeling pressured.  My goal is to show proof of life for myself and Blogher with at least one post a week.  I usually do more then that but I like it that I don't feel like I have to. 

2)  Scrutiny.  They say that you know you've really made it when people start talking about you.  And not always in a good way.  Chances are I'm not going to be a GOMI victim or find myself the center of some big controversy because of a blog post that I wrote.  I simply don't have enough page views to attract enough of a buzz for anything I write to go viral.  Not that it's impossible.  Just a whole lot less likely.  All bloggers really put themselves out there and it can be a really scary thing.  As a smaller blog I don't worry as much that everything single thing I write is potential material for trashing.  It's the internet so really it is, but I don't feel it so much.

3)  Hate mail.  Big bloggers are targets for those who are green with blogger envy.  Success breeds jealousy and jealousy very often leads to evil comments, finding yourself caught up in blogger drama or as the target of a website dedicated to bashing you.  People can be so so nasty.  It's really sad to see some of the negativity that has swirled around blogland.  I was so shocked at first because I've always seen it as a supportive and happy place.  Well, nobody is hating on me.  Nobody is jealous of my blog and all of my followers.  I've seen smaller blogs get attacked too but in all my years of blogging I've never gotten a nasty comment.  This could mean I'm really boring or that my life doesn't appear perfect enough or more then likely just that I don't have the visibility to make anybody jealous enough to hate me.  I don't have a thick skin.  I'm not sure how I'd handle it and I'd hate to have to deal with that.

4)  Reader interaction.  I don't know how some of those big bloggers deal with the sheer volume of comments they get.  Unless you have an assistant it's obviously not possible to reply to every single one and still have a life so you don't.  Then you might worry that your readers feel ignored and the truth is they probably do, but there simply isn't anything that you can really do about it.  I got an auto generated reply e mail the other day.  It said thank you for commenting.  I can appreciate the thought but I'm still not sure what's worse.  The generic auto reply or nothing at all.  I don't have to reply to or feel badly about NOT replying to 50 million comments on every blog post.  Life gets busy.  I don't reply to every single one but I would say I get to reply to almost all of them.  If I get a new commenter I'll often pop over to comment on their blog.  If I were getting 50 comments on daily posts there is no way that would be possible.  I'd probably try, not be able to keep up and end up feeling really bad about it. 

5) Blog Reading.  If I was spending every day trying to generate a new blog posts, reply to comments, organize link ups and giveaways, set up sponsored posts, do product reviews, analyze traffic stats and whatever else it is that big bloggers do I wouldn't have half the time I do to actually read and comment on other blogs.  I am addicted to reading blogs.  I read way too many and as it is sometimes I have to hit "mark all as read" because I simply can't keep up.  I can't imagine how little time I'd have for it if a lot more of my blogging time had to be dedicated to blog business.  

6) Social Media and Marketing.  I want people to read my blog but I don't want to spend a lot of money on giveaways or multiple sponsorships every month to try to get my blog noticed.  It has become routine for me to tweet my posts once or twice in a day and post it on my Facebook page.  I've always had a personal Facebook but I started a Facebook Page, Twitter and Instagram just for blogging.  I don't schedule tweets.  I don't have sponsors to shout out.  I'm not concerned about my lack of presence.  If I drop off the face of the social media planet it's fine.  Except for the most part I haven't because I started to enjoy twitter and Instagram.  It's such a ridiculous time suck but I like it so I try to limit how much time I spend on it. 

7) Blogger burn out.  I can't tell you how many posts I see apologizing because their heart isn't in it anymore.  It's time to scale back sponsorships and no longer will daily posts be possible.  Many take an extended break because blogging has turned into a dreaded obligation that they no longer have time or desire for.  A very popular blogger totally quit last week-indefinitely.  Bloggers are running themselves into the ground obsessing over numbers and trying to be that awesome gung ho blogger.  I see it over and over again.  There are times that I'm not as motivated to post as others.  Sometimes I just don't feel inspired or I'm too busy but I've never felt burnt out or that blogging was something I "have" to do.   I don't do a lot of things the big bloggers do.  To me a lot of it feels to "businessy" and there are too many strings attached so it becomes work.  I do some of the things that the big blogs do but on a smaller scale.  I  have the freedom to blog or not to blog and I like that.  It keeps me coming back for more because it's on my terms.  I came to a realization that the times I have become most disenchanted with blogging had less to do with actual blogging and more to do with all of the external blogging stuff.  Thinking too much about numbers and comparing myself to other bloggers kills my confidence and overall satisfaction with blogging; but only if I let it.  Once I block out all that noise I'm fine.

If blogging was my full time job that paid me full time job kind of money I'll gladly treat it like work.  I wonder how much of the joy of blogging would be stolen if it was my job but I'd suck it up and consider myself lucky.  For some it falls into their lap and they don't have to try very hard.  Those are the ones you really love to hate, but I think the majority work their butts off for it and I can't help but think about the sacrifices that all of them make.  I think about how it might start to feel like work and how much pressure they might be feeling to keep it all going.  I don't want to HAVE to post 5 times a week and spend 25 hours a week on my blog.  I already have one job that doesn't pay me enough.  I don't need two.  For every blogger that is earning a solid income or a decent chunk of change there are thousands upon thousands who work just as hard doing everything they are told they are supposed to and still make little to no money.  That's the kicker; and I just don't know if it's worth it.  And maybe I'm only saying that because my blog hasn't become "successful" by definition of numbers and promotional opportunities.  I've never tried NOT to be a big blogger but I also don't think I've done everything I could to try to be one either.  If blogging on my terms at my pace doesn't translate into a large following that's okay.  Not every small blog is a big blog failure.  That's not necessarily the goal for everyone. 

I started this blog because I love to write.  It works for me. I don't get to quit my "day" job, but then again most don't.  I don't get to be "best" blogger or get a lot of free stuff but I get to spend less time on the business of blogging so I have more time to dedicate to the joy of blogging.  For me that's reading, commenting, engaging with other bloggers and posting about whatever inspires me whenever I feel like it.  I love sharing my writing and I want people to read it.  I get excited when I see page views go up or I get another follower.  I love this community and I love my blog.  I still pour a lot of time, energy and care into blogging but on my terms without a whole lot of strings attached.  And I kinda like it that way. 

My Boyfriend's Back

My husband is back! I confess that I may or may not have picked him up from the airport wearing a sheer nighty and a thong.  You know.  Just to spice things up a little.  Just kidding.  Not really.  I'll let you decide.  

There is gonna be a whole lot of shit everywhere now. His words not mine and he has certainly delivered on that.  He has also delivered on being the cutest man ever and even though my undiagnosed OCD is kicking in big time I'm glad to have him home. I kind of feel like my space is being invaded which is totally not true considering we bought this house together and have been living in it together for 3 years.  There is always this weird transition period that occurs whenever he comes home from an extended absence. I'm almost surprised to see him in the house when I walk in the door after work.  His presence has busted me out of my quiet little self contained bubble.  Like, what?  There is someone else in the house?  I have somebody to talk to and cuddle with?  When you are alone you just kind of float about the house without regard to anyone or anything but when you are in a couple there is someone to consider.  There is someone who wants to watch the football game on the big TV downstairs at 5:30pm.  Someone that might wonder where you are if you've gone and disappeared upstairs for a few hours.  There is an adjustment period when he leaves as I get thrown into the solo life AND when he comes back as I get adjusted to WE instead of just ME, ME, ME.  And it's a good adjustment to make.

Amazingly enough, I actually kept him fed for two dinners on the chicken breasts I made the day before he came home.  He took Monday off to recover from his travels and of top priority that day was grocery shopping.  He had the nerve to assume there wasn't much food in the house and well....he was right.  You know how I do.  Then he turned around and made this delicious healthy version of a Philly cheese steak sandwich for dinner on Wednesday.  So good.  He's baaaack!!!  Good lovin', good cooking, and a good man.  What more can I ask for?  Okay, so maybe it would be pretty cool if he could pick some of his clothes off the floor but you know what they say?  Marriage is about compromise.  I'm no walk in the park myself.  We will be having Subway for dinner tonight.  My pick. 

Now that he's back I finally got to watch Breaking Bad.  Now I know what my co workers have been whispering about and if you aren't already watching you should be.  It is CRAY!!!  I pretty much HATE Walter White.  He is cold, evil and power hungry.  The best thing about hating Walter is that I'm not freaking out about whether or not he dies, gets away with it or gets locked up.  I don't care one way or another and it has eased the anxiety that I would have if I actually cared.  The latest episodes have been so dark.  I always feel a little stunned after watching.  We are all caught up and will be able to watch the season finale with everyone else.  I cannot wait. 

Oh California how I love you.  Good old San Diego is hanging onto Summer by it's fingertips and that is just fine by me.  It's still a little chilly in the morning but by the afternoon it's been anywhere between 77-79 which is pretty darn perfect if you asked me.  Fall can take as long as it wants to show up.  There is plenty of time for boots and leggings.

We are already booked for Saturday.  He could not wait.  He literally made these plans while he was still out of the country.  We will be having dinner and maybe a movie at Cinepolis with friends.  I'm happy to be dating my husband again and I anticipate some movie watching and cuddle time on the couch too.

Now I just need this darn work day to be over so I can get on with it.

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About all those Giveaways

BACK IN THE DAY
When I first started blogging in 2009 there weren't a lot of giveaways at all.  Well maybe there were but I didn't realize it.  It wasn't until 2011 that I started seeing them pop up more and more and then last year giveaways really exploded across blogland.   They were every day every where.  I thought it was a phase and just the "in" thing to do at the moment and that it would go away.  Surely these people will run out of money.  Then the group giveaways started.  The prizes got bigger and the ways to enter multiplied.  What started out as giving away a scarf or a $20 gift card here and there turned into iPads, cell phones and $1,000 Visa Gift Cards.  There are entire blogs, twitter accounts and Facebook pages dedicated to promoting and entering giveaways.

The GFC count on a lot of blogs really began to skyrocket and it was clear that giveaways were not going to stop any time soon.  I was really annoyed at first.  As a Giveaway entrant:  You mean to tell me that I have to follow 20 blogs to enter this giveaway?  I wasn't willing to follow twenty million blogs so I knew I hadn't a chance in winning.  I knew that people were probably just following the blog to enter the giveaway with no intention of ever reading and I didn't want to do that.  Didn't these bloggers realize that they were only getting "fake" followers and being taken advantage of?   As a Blogger:  It didn't feel "fair" that their number count was going to double over night while I've been tapping away at my keyboard for years and gotten nowhere near that many followers.  It's not the only way to attract followers but we all know it's one of the fastest ways to accelerate the pace.

TAKING THE GIVEAWAY PLUNGE
I started out with just entering them.  I'm a natural sweepstakes enterer by nature.  I enter tons of worldwide sweepstakes every day that I have no shot in hell of winning.  I know that I will probably never win the HGTV dream home but for some odd reason I'm compelled to enter.  I've always done this.  Even as a child I used to fill out the Publishers Sweepstakes entry form and stick on the little car stamp in the color of my choice on behalf of my parents.  Yes, I'm addicted to sweepstakes and yes, it's a problem.  Giveaways had become a part of blog land.  If bloggers wanted to give things away in exchange for fake followers then I would let them.  I started following tons of blogs and entering my little sweepstakes loving heart out but then I started to feel bad.  I still enter giveaways but now I only take entries I want and limit blog follow entries to ones I'm already following or blogs that I legitimately have an interest in even if it lessens my chance of winning.  I also try to comment beyond the giveaway post. 

Doing a giveaway on my own blog still didn't feel right.  I didn't want to be like everybody else and do a giveaway just to get my numbers up.  I utilize some blog promotional tools but giveaways or anything that involves the exchange of money or goods felt too much like selling out or buying readers. It was hard to take the slow organic approach and watch other blogger numbers go through the roof  while mine remained low.  I held out for while and then did a solo giveaway on my own blog around Christmas of last year for a gift card to one of my favorite stores.  It felt right because I really did see it as a way to thank my readers for reading.  The winner was already a reader and she was thrilled.  It felt really good to give something away and make someone happy so I was willing to do it again when asked to do one in a small group by one of my favorite bloggers.  I was getting used to the concept and I got to thinking.  How would I know that doing giveaways was not right for my blog if I didn't give it a chance and see what it was like?  Why not take advantage of the opportunity for other people to discover my blog?  I love writing and while I am not motivated by the follower count I do want people to read.  I started to wonder how people would ever find my blog if I wasn't willing to follow the current trends to promote it.   As I continued to enter giveaways I also started winning some cool stuff so I also felt it would be good for my giveaway karma to give something back.  I wasn't interested in signing up for a random group giveaway that someone tweeted about.  I took the approach that if I was asked by a blogger that I have a connection with I would say yes and only with what little money that I'd generated out of blogging.  It still felt kind of organic.  Sort of.  

I have won giveaways.  I have done 3 solo and participated in 4 group giveaways hosted by others.  These are my observations.

1// You actually can discover a lot of new favorites through giveaways.  No, I cannot follow and read fifty million blogs but yes, I might discover just one more that I really really like.  Most of us follow a ton already but with incentive we might decide to add yet another and it could turn out to be one of your favorite blogs.  Every new follower is also a potential reader.

2// I never really got sponsorship until I won add space through a giveaway and had a chance to experience it first hand. It was then that I realized how much bloggers put into the whole sponsorship thing and how kind they are in promoting other bloggers.  Yes.  Often in exchange for money.  But kind nonetheless.  I've found blogs through a sidebar button or sponsor spotlight.  It's possible.  Cassie @ Live, Laugh Love and Sarah @ A Girl Smitten were awesome.  They checked in with me and delivered everything they said they would.  I don't accept sponsors or buy add space on others; but I get it. 

3// Winning free stuff is really fun.  When you win a group giveaway it's like winning everyday because you keep getting e mails from people wanting to send you free stuff.   

4// There are a lot of professional giveaway enterers that have profiles specifically set up for entering giveaways.  They will follow you but will probably never read your blog.

5// A lot of my regular readers don't enter at all.  I think a lot of people don't enter because they figure they will never win, entering can be a pain in the butt or they simply don't like them.  I understand the point is often to gain new followers but on the other hand my ideal giveaway is where a lot of my current readers enter and a long time reader wins.  Rafflecopter gets to pick not me.  

6// They are actually a lot of fun.  I'm always honored when a blogger asks me to join in and it's fun working with other bloggers. People get really excited about getting free stuff 'cause who doesn't love free stuff and it's fun being a part of making that happen.

7// Instead of looking at it as just a greed thing and just wanting to get more followers I started to see the kindness and generosity behind bloggers who spend their own money to give things to people that they don't even know.  Yes, they want people to follow their blogs but they are still giving something back.

8// I can understand why a lot of new bloggers jump right into giveaways so they can get their blog out there and establish a base.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to be a new blogger right now with 2 followers when a lot of blogs are 3k+ and a lot of bloggers already have formed connections. It's got to be so intimidating in a way that it wasn't when I started out. 

9// You can fast track your numbers with all the promoting tools available and get all of the followers in the world but you have to produce content that people want to read in order to keep them and get them reading and commenting.  I see a lot of blogs with a whole lot of followers but nobody is commenting.

Bloggers give away things in exchange for a chance.  A chance for someone to possibly fall in love with their blog and become a new reader.  That's what most of us want.  Sponsorships, giveaways, link ups, guest posting, social media, SEO and google analytics (which I still don't understand) among many other things represents the evolution of blogging.  I hated a lot of it at first but I think it was mainly just because it was new and it represented a new direction for blogging that I wasn't sure that I wanted to go.

I won't try everything but I wanted to give giveaways a chance before I totally made up my mind about whether I hated them or not.  And you know what?  I don't hate it.  I don't feel like I missed out by waiting so long to do one or that I'm missing out by not doing more.  I am open to doing it again but I probably won't do it a whole lot.  It's fun to watch that number go up but the overall satisfaction of getting a new follower out of the blue just because is far greater then when they come from giveaways.  Not that I don't appreciate giveaway follows.  Believe me I do.  It just feels different then when people just made that decision to follow without any incentive.

People complain that there are too many giveaways and I once did too but I'm over it. Your blog content should never consist of giveaway after giveaway.  People get bored.  It's free stuff!  If you want free stuff enter.  If not then move on.  If you don't like giveaways don't enter them and don't host them but like it or not it looks like they are here to stay.

What do you think?  Love them, loathe them or indifferent?

Life Lately...

I've been living the single life for the last 6 weeks. I'm dating my friends and doing very little laundry, cooking or house cleaning. The house is as neat as I want it to be-which is pretty darn neat.  I take out the trash and keep the orange tree in the backyard alive. The word we has been momentarily replaced with I and face time has taken the place of kisses and cuddles. I stalk him on Facebook and I smile when APO Armed forces Europe or Bulgaria shows up on my blog stats.  He's a million miles away but if he's checking out my blog I know at that moment he's thinking about me.  He even commented.  Only the 2nd time ever.  That random comment on this post saying I'm hot.  Yeah, that was him.

Lately I've been....

Missing my husband.  I'm no stranger to being separated from him and I have learned to deal with it.  Four weeks is nothing since we've gone as long as 11 months but six weeks is when I hit a wall. 

Remembering what it's like to live alone.  It's really quiet and somehow it makes me feel very thoughtful and very aware of myself and my surroundings.

Participating in solo introspective activities.  I love having Mj around but he's distracting, in a good way.  I have made a point to spend time with friends and family but my social calendar has slowed down a lot.  Some nights I even get bored.  I finally figured out manual mode on my camera.  I've been taking pictures and writing at home on weekends instead of going to the coffee shop.

Watching a lot of movies.  I dominate the Netflix Queue and have been burning through no less then three movies every weekend.  I'm trying to get in all of my random/chick flick movies in before he gets back.

Eating ice cream.  I single handedly demolished an entire gallon of Dreyer's Light Coffee flavored ice cream.  Love this stuff! It's so good I can't even believe that it's light.  I ate a half of cup which is only 100 calories every single night until it was gone. 

Drinking wine.  I've never been one to drink alone but I've been doing it over the last month more then I ever have before.  I've really developed a taste for it over the years and just because I'm home alone is no reason to stop drinking it.  It's all the more reason to drink it.

Cooking a whole lot of nothing.  Which isn't too far off from the norm.  Dinner is no longer a team event now that I'm on my own.  I finished off our 4 lb jar of Peanut Butter.  Typical dinners have been Quesadilla's, hearty salads, Hebrew National Hotdogs and Green Giant frozen vegetable Steamers.  Subway has made it into the rotation twice, which stretches to four dinners because I split my $5 foot long into two days. 

Wondering what's going on with Breaking Bad.  The episodes are stacking up in my DVR teasing me and my co workers are whispering about it behind my back.  I've been waiting 6 weeks to watch it.  The suspense is killing me. I also can't wait to start watching Orange is the New Black again.

Spending little to no money.  I am so over shopping.  Seriously.  Over it.  Not that I don't still have a list of things I want or that I will never buy anything again.  Not that I don't drool a little when I'm reading fashion posts but the urge to spend is just gone and I am so glad.  It was feeling so ridiculously excessive and chasing sales is exhausting.  I think I needed all that shopping so I could feel good about my wardrobe but I have plenty of things to wear now and I don't need to be out shopping every month.  I've gone out to eat a few times and have gotten cheapo take out but I've spent more money on gas this month then anything else.  I feel like I'm getting back to my spendthrift ways and I like it.  I still have two trips left this year and saving for those is priority.

Feeling excited about our trip to Las Vegas. I know, I know; I just went in May, but it's not the first time I've gone to Vegas multiple times in one year.  We're going in November and this time it's just the two of us.  We've both been separately with other people but we haven't gone together since 2009 when he came home from Kosovo on R & R.  I really can't believe it's been that long.  It'll be a perfect way to celebrate our anniversary.  We usually don't, but I guess we are this year.

Enjoying our perfect weather.  August and September were HOT and I loved it.  It's cooled down to 70's to 80's over the last week.  I'll be okay when Fall decides to show up but  I'm just as happy for Summer to stick around as long as it wants to.

Wearing my boyfriend jeans from Old Navy.  I really want to wear them every day.  I was hesitant about buying them at first because I thought they'd make me look fat.  Well who cares, I love the easy comfortable fit.

Life is different without MJ.  Something is missing, but he's coming home on Sunday and I can't wait.

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Love and Loss

I have never been to a funeral.  No one that I am really close to has ever passed away.

My parents moved to Southern California before I was even born and most of my extended family is in Michigan with some in Northern California.  I have cousins, aunts and uncles that I don't know very well.  Growing up, there were Summers that we piled into the car and made the cross country journey to Michigan or the 9 hour drive to San Jose but it wasn't enough to really know them.  It bothers me that I don't and I want to connect but I feel like I don't know where to start.  I met 3 out of my 4 grandparents.  My grandmother on my dad's side is still alive but the others have passed away.  I never really understood how special that grandchild and grandparent relationship until my nephew DJ was born since I had never experienced it myself.  My parents are so in love with that child.  As am I.  Children are so loved.  I imagine that my grandparents love(d) me that way too but not being close to them I never really understood that until now.  DJ will know his grandparents and his aunts in a way that I never did.  They live in North Carolina but we had him here for the first three years of his life and it's important to all of us that he doesn't forget who we are.

Its an odd feeling when someone in your family passes away and you don't feel sadness about it in the way that you think you should.  It kind of makes me feel like a bad person but I know that it's just because I didn't know them.  Yes, I'm sad but not in the way that I would be had I truly known them as a person and had the opportunity to grow close to them.  In a way, I have been spared the pain of loss simply by not knowing my extended family.  While I may be somewhat shielded I don't know how lucky that is because I really would have liked to have known them better.

My aunt passed away on Saturday after 6 years of battling cancer.  I haven't been to Michigan in over 10 years and I can't even remember the last time I saw her.  I am saddened by this and my heart aches for my mother who is losing a sister.  I love my sister's so much.  I can't even imagine how awful that feels.  She is also a mother, a wife and a grandmother.  There are so many who are deeply affected by her passing.  It's this gigantic ripple effect and every ripple is a layer of love and a deeply painful loss.  I don't ever want to know that sickening heart wrenching feeling of loss but I know it's not a choice I get to make.  There will come a day that I will become painfully acquainted with it.

With the passing of my aunt and that terrible shooting; death has been on my mind.  I know, it's so morbid.  But sometimes your mind goes to dark places whether you want it to or not.  I watched Safe Haven on Sunday.  It's about a man who loses his wife to cancer and is now raising their two children on his own.  Boy meets girl, they fall in love and the story unfolds.  The end of the movie left me a sobbing mournful mess alone on my couch.  I can be emotional so this is not unusual for me.  I've cried watching a cotton commercial. I cried as if my heart was breaking just imagining the loss of this fictional characters wife.  Then the anger hit.  I know it's just a movie, but then I thought of my aunt Martha again and anyone else that has lost loved ones.  I too will experience it at some point before I eventually expire myself and somehow it all just seems so cruel and unfair.  I literally asked out loud as if someone would answer; Why do people have to die? It's such a childish question and I am old enough to know the answer.  It's the circle of life.  We can't live forever. 

Sometimes I let my mind wander a little bit too much and I think of how I can possibly endure loosing the people in my life that I love the most.  My eyes tear up, I get this terrible lump in my throat and then I have to push it aside because we can't live our lives fearing what has not yet happened even if it is something as inevitable as death.  I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it.  Nobody should.  It's too depressing and we have to live for the here and now.  But whenever it does sneak into my thoughts it's a reminder of just how important it is to make the most of precious time with friends and family.  Nobody is promised tomorrow.