The Kind of Happy That Just Is

I had a really bad dream last night. For some reason it really rattled me and I can't seem to get it out of my head. Have you ever wondered about what your life might be like if you made a different decision or if one thing or another had happened differently? I think everyone has at one point or another. The dream was very vague and unformed as dreams tend to be but the gist of it was this. I was not married to my husband. I was with someone else.  I was miserable and I was thinking of that guy I met with whom everything was perfect.  That guy that I only went out on a few dates with before deciding it would be best to go back to an old relationship.

July 4th 2008 // Our first Vegas trip together

There were no monsters.  I was not swimming in a vat of spiders.  There was no Nightmare on Elm Street running through a field screaming bloody murder and yet this dream was positively chilling because in it I knew what it was like not to have MJ in my life.  In the dream "that guy" was MJ and for whatever reasons I went back to an old tattered relationship rather then take a chance at being happy.  I knew what it was like not to be able to hold his hand or see him smile and it was a terribly empty feeling.

In reality there was no guy I went back to but there was a previous marriage that ended in divorce. Ten years ago my marriage had fallen apart.  I was bitter, hopeless and oh so very lost.  Life was misery for me.  When I hear about any suicide including the most recent one that everyone is talking about it really hits home.  When I see Robin Williams face I look at his eyes and wonder what kind of torment and pain might have been hiding behind jokes and smiles at that very moment.  I hid a lot with my smile too.  I don't know his struggle but I know what it's like to see ceasing to exist as a solution.

Four years later I was still single and very anti relationship because relationships are "so hard" and I was not worthy.  I didn't think I would ever meet anyone I liked enough to take a chance with which was fine because in my mind I was unlovable anyway; destined to be alone and sad. When we started dating in March 2008 I pushed him away because I did not believe I deserved someone like him.  I was distant.  I wouldn't allow myself to like him.  I just knew I would ruin his life and that's exactly what I told him.  I was in a slightly better place but still very damaged and afraid.  I still didn't know what it was like to love life and be happy.  I had moments of happiness but not the kind of happy that just is for no reason at all and that's when I met him.  That's when everything changed for me and I'm so incredibly grateful.  He pushed, I found the courage to let him in and life with MJ has been nothing less then amazing.  We don't fight, we figure it out.  Loving him is easy.  He is my rock.  He comforts me in so many ways.  What if I had never gotten divorced?  What if I had successfully sabotaged our relationship?  I shudder to think of what my life would be like right now if I had never gotten a divorce and it saddens me to think of the lonely and miserable person I was and might still be today had I not met MJ when I did.

I vaguely remember him kissing me this morning like always before he left for work and reassuring me that it was Friday and not Thursday.  That was the other nightmare I had last night.  And when I woke up I felt a huge sense of relief.  Not only because it was Friday but because the life I have right now is so very different then the one I had ten years ago and I get to come home to a man who means everything to me.  It was just a bad dream.

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Las Vegas Confessions

Over the weekend we ran off to Las Vegas.  I love that place.  I don't necessarily do anything I can't do at home besides club all night (well I can do that at home I just don't want to) but I just really love the warm nights, anything goes attitude and the energy of this city.  The things people wear.  The things people do.  That alone is entertaining.  Every time I go there is something new.  We were just there last November and now there is The Quad which is my new favorite part of the strip.  There is always construction going on all over the place so there will be something new the next time we go.

I confess that I originally wasn't going to go at all.  MJ's friends were going for a Birthday.  We've been traveling a lot and I just didn't want to pay for another trip.  It gets expensive and I needed a break so I told him I'd sit this one out but then changed my mind.  I always have a really fun time hanging out with this couple and I couldn't bear to have MJ go to Vegas with out me!!  I didn't want to miss out. 

I confess that I chipped the nail polish on my big toe pretty badly a few days before the trip and refused to get my pedicure re done.  I'd just gotten one not too long ago and rather then spend precious time getting another pedicure since every other nail was still good I went to Target and found a bottle of nail polish in as close to the color as I could find so I could just touch it up.  It was $3.99 vs time I didn't have and $20.00 bucks so I took the easy route.

I confess that this trip was the first time I've ever ever had to pay to check my baggage and we had to share one suitcase because Spirit charges to carry on and check luggage.  They also charge for drinks and snacks.  You can't even get a tiny watered down soda and a mini bag of pretzels for free on that joint.  They don't even offer any actual food options unless you count cup o noodles.  Yes, cup o noodles!!!  They claim that their awesome bare bones policy is to reduce prices for their valued customers allowing us to only pay for what we want but in reality it's just their way of showing up with the cheapest fare in search engines and duping you into thinking you are getting a bargain.  Hello!!  I'm traveling.  I NEED luggage and you want me to pay just to carry on a bag with me?  Also, their seats don't recline so they can pack more people in and get more money.  They do have some rows with additional leg room but of course you pay for that.  You also pay if you want to choose your seat in advance (we didn't).  What's next?  Charging to use the restroom?  I wouldn't put it past them because not everyone needs to go to the bathroom on every flight right?  Might as well just pay for what you need. 

It was pretty cool to actually look decent on a flight for a change.  I love quick flights!!  On our last vacation to Cancun it was an overnight flight there.  I looked like crap.  It was a ridiculously early flight on the way back.  I looked AND felt like crap.  This was totally different.  We hopped on the plane and one hour later we were landing.  I wore sandals.  I was not wearing glasses and didn't look like a haggard lady in yoga pants.  It was pretty cool.  What was also pretty cool is arriving in Vegas refreshed and ready to go.  We've driven the last few times because it's so much cheaper but that drive is rough.

I confess that we ate at McDonald's twice!!  It was right next to our hotel.  Sometimes you just need a quick bite to eat to tide you over and you need it to be cheap!  I got a grilled chicken breast salad after we checked in and then a Egg White delight the next morning for breakfast.  Both healthy aside from the major sodium explosion but that is going to happen regardless of where we eat.   

I confess that on Saturday I put on my bikini then ended up taking a nap instead (yes, still wearing my bikini and cover up). What had happened was that MJ woke up earlier then anyone should ever wake up in Vegas.  He left to go sky diving with the birthday boy at 7:30am!!  When he got back he was obviously beat and I was just getting up and moving around.  I went and got us McD's then checked out the pool but when I came back and saw him all cozy in the bed it seemed like a better idea to join him. 

I confess that I blew through $10 in less then 10 minutes doing quarter slots.  Towards the end I even switched over to penny slots in an attempt to extend my play but there was no saving it.  Luck was not on my side and I wasn't willing to spend more trying to get it.  MJ spent more money and played longer but didn't do any better.

I confess that we did not bust out the DSLR.  Not once.  We brought it and I even charged the battery but it sat in the room all weekend.  I just wasn't feeling it.  We've been to Vegas several times and I know we'll be going back so I just stuck to the cell and my little point and shoot.  We really didn't take that many pictures period.  Eh.  Whatever. 

Not a bad touch up job on the pedicure.  Right?
I also confess that these are my wedding sandals from 2010!! Still going strong

I confess that we bought tequila shots to go.  Vegas is an adult playground if ever there was one.  That area behind me looks like one of those fill your own cup yogurt places but at the Purple Zebra instead of yogurt coming out it's alcohol flavors.  You pick your container and then fill it up with your alcohol of choice.  We opted for $3.00 patron shots that come in a handy vial carrying case.

 
I confess that Vegas brings out my inner 21 year old hoochie mama that wants to dress like one, booze it up and dance all night.  I did not wear the black mini and crop top I bought but I will be saving it for next time.  The first night we hung out in the quad area until about midnight.  It's this new really cool area that has a new giant London eye like Ferris wheel.  The birthday boy isn't really a "club" guy nor was he dressed appropriately to get into one but when we go to Vegas we like to get in a night of dancing.  It's literally, the only time I feel the desire or the energy to do it so I like to take advantage of it.  I love dancing.  In San Diego the music usually sucks for 50% of the night but in Vegas the music is great all night long.  We got to The Bank at Bellagio around 10:30pm and didn't leave until 2am.  Most of that time was spent on the dance floor.  There was no stage so MJ got to dance with me the whole night.  It was so much fun, minus the drunk guy that kept spilling his drink on us.  MJ literally removed the drink from his hand, put it on the table, and I don't even think he noticed. 

The obligatory fourth meal after a night of drinking and dancing.  That day after a mini McD's breakfast we ate a big lunch then went to Guy Fieri's restaurant for dinner but were only hungry enough to split an appetizer.  This was the biggest slice of pizza I've ever seen but it disappeared pretty fast.

Another fun Vegas trip on the books!!!  I can't wait to go back.

Because Target

Shopping.  Most women love it but there are some out there that aren't into it at all.  I always wished I was one of those because it would save me a lot of money.  I mostly love it but I do go back and forth.  It seems to come in phases that initially begins with me feeling like I wear the same thing every day and that it's impossible to get dressed in the morning.

Last year I was really into it but the "shopping bug" that plagued me last year has officially left the building.   I hated all the money I was spending and I hated that I felt like I couldn't stop.  Shopping is awesome and all but enough is enough.  We've been doing a lot of traveling over the last year and all that shopping was bumping up against buying airline tickets.  I was stretching myself thin trying to do both so it needed to stop.

It takes a while for the bug to fully leave your system.  When you are in the thick of it you feel like you need to buy all the things and they call out to you wherever you go.  I'd buy one thing, which would lead to another to go with it which would lead to a pair of shoes to go with that and it just never ends.   Now I can go into a store and not even glance at the women's and shoe departments.  I don't feel tempted to buy things when I see an add, get a SALE NOW!! email or click on an outfit of the day post.  I have a coupons I get in the mail usually from Express, Limited and Macy's that I save 'just in case' but I don't use them and I'm not online searching for that next thing.  I've gotten closer to shopping just if I need something. Like men.  I knew I was getting over it when I could buy just one thing and be happy without it leading me to want something else.  Hunting down the clothes, trying on the clothes, and sending back the clothes that don't fit just feels like a lot of work right now.  I have plenty.  My poor closet is stuffed because I'm terrible at purging. 

Target Haul:  Blue & White Maxi // striped skirt // T-Shirt Dress // Pink & Grey Maxi // Navy & Off-White Maxi

Now if I could just get over Target I'd be okay.

These are some of my Target finds over the last seven months.  My love affair with skirts and dresses continues.  It's the only thing I buy these days and only at Target.  They are just so versatile and comfortable.  My job is casual enough that I can wear all of these things to work and on weekends.  MJ used to ask me why I had so many stripes.  Particularly striped tops.  Well, the same reason almost every single pair of shorts he owns has cargo pockets.  They are everywhere, but that's okay because I love them.

It usually happens on my lunch break.  I casually check out the women's department and end up in the fitting room.  I go in there real quick for bread and toilet paper then the next thing I know I've found something I love and I'm scanning it with my Cartwheel app to see if there's an extra discount.  I can't shop without that app.  One time I couldn't get wi-fi for some reason and I was almost late getting back to work because I refused to check out without scanning.  I also combine that with 5% off using my Red card.  So that's how every single one of these things happened .  All individual purchases one lunch break at a time.  I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse and that's exactly the thing I love and hate about Target.

I guess I don't feel too bad because it's so inexpensive but I do realize that it adds up...and takes up space.  Did I mention that I REALLY need to purge?  Does anyone else have this problem of holding onto every last thing for years and years on end?  I bought it so it feels so wasteful to get rid of it.  Even if I'm not wearing it now I might change my mind later and it has happened.    How do you buy something and then get rid of it even if you still like it? Someone please help me understand how this whole purging thing works!!
 
So this happened two days ago.  I went to Target for one thing and came out with that plus something else.  This time around it actually was need based.  Mostly.  I'm going to Vegas this weekend and I found a really cute skirt but couldn't find a crop to go with it.  I might have been able to make do with something at home but you know, since I was going to Target anyway......

Oh, Target impulse shopping.  I don't think I can quit you just yet but I do promise to work on it.  If you are interested in winning $75.00 worth of Target impulse shopping money of your own you can enter the Target Giveaway here.

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Target Time Giveaway

It's been a while since I did a giveaway so I happily jumped at the chance to do one for Target, because TARGET!!   It's August and what better way to start the soon to be Fall season than with a Target Gift Card? Whether you want clothes, home decor, or a nice new coffee pot, we want you to get what you want so we're giving away a $75.00 bucks to Target. Good luck and happy winning!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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Pony Party. Make Up. Pink.

I confess that waking up in the morning is awful and never seems to get better.  I don't know what my problem is.  I'm normally in bed between 9-10pm.  I have problems getting to sleep so I usually pop a Unisom Sunday through Thursday night.  I still don't fall asleep right away but I sleep well.  When 6:22am rolls around I hit snooze a few times then drag myself out of bed and it sucks.  If I truly didn't get enough sleep the day drags but usually I'm okay by the time I get to work.  If I go to bed at 8pm I'm sure I won't fall asleep right away and that leaves me with just an hour at home before bed on gym days.

I confess that I went to my very first pony party a few weekends ago and had a really good time.  That's what happens when all your kids have friends.  It was at this really cute place called Feather Acres Farm & Nursery and they had an area where the hosts can set up snacks, drinks and the cake.  It's really a great (if expensive) kid birthday party idea.  Everyone had a good time.  His friends are awesome and always have adult beverages available even when the guest of honor is four. We  sipped on champagne and made the rounds petting bunnies and checking out chickens and cows.  We are too heavy for the ponies, but I fed a horse for the first time ever.  They are so beautiful.  I've never wanted a dog or a cat but now I want a horse!!

Disclaimer:  I still don't know how to "do" make up.  I realized that my eyeliner was unbalanced after I took the pic but before I left the house. 

I confess that I only wore make up twice this month.  One of those times was the full on shebang face that I did for my high school reunion and the other time was eye liner, mascara, blush and gloss.  I didn't think it was possible for me to care about make up any less then I did last year but I guess not.  Not quite sure what possessed me to do this.  I guess because it's such a rare event, but I took a before and after pic in my bathroom before the reunion.

I confess that my skin is a total disaster right now.  Obviously, it's not caused by make up.  About once a year my skin is a total mess for anywhere from 3-6 months with what I think is hormonal acne mostly around my jawline.  It started in my late twenties, sometimes skips a year or two and there is no pattern that I can find but when it strikes there is nothing I can do about it.  I learned that the first time around.  Nothing worked so now I just spot treat it with alcohol and wait it out.  When it's ready to go away it will.

I confess that I didn't realize that you could change watch batteries yourself.  I thought you had to take it to the watch people because that's what my mom has always done and that's what I did when I was still wearing watches.  The battery in my Polar heart rate monitor went low and was all frustrated because I needed it for Monday and now I would have to go to the kiosk at the mall on my lunch break to have them change it.  MJ looked at me like I was crazy.  "You don't have to go there.  Just do it yourself."  We popped the batteries out.  They are clearly labeled so finding the right size at the drug store was easy and the new ones popped back in.  How did I not know it was that easy?

I confess that I forgot to put on deodorant yesterday.  I realized it about half way through the day and made a little run out to my car for spare deodorant I keep there.  Good thing because I planned on going to the gym right after.  Hey, it happens.  I forgot socks too so had to work out with sweaty feet.


I confess that I've been terrified of the free weight section at the gym.  All those buff guys huffing and puffing in their tank tops are so intimidating.  I march in there with my pink and try to pretend I know what I'm doing.  I've been forcing myself to keep going back almost every day for the last two weeks and it's getting better.   Can you tell I love Pink?  I also have a pink lunch bag and water bottle for work.  Plus a bunch of other pink stuff I can't think of right now.

I confess that I blogged 10 times last month and that's the highest per month so far this year.  Half of it was vacation recaps.  As always, I don't worry myself about pumping out a bunch of posts.  I just want to keep on writing and enjoying this space.  I was in a bloggy rut just two weeks ago but I think it's passed.

Thanks for all of your sweet comments on my I finally finished my novel post.  I do plan on sharing more about it and an excerpt.  I still feel extremely nervous about opening up about it but I know I need to get more comfortable with that so stay tuned!!

Linking up with Leslie @A Blonde Ambition

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That Day I Finished Writing My First Novel

I keep a lot of things to myself.  No one outside my immediate family knew I was writing a novel until after I'd already been working on it for two years.  It didn't feel real for a really long time, so it didn't seem worth mentioning and now that I'm done I still haven't really mentioned it.  I didn't post about it here, until I'd been seriously working on it for nine months.  On June 11th, 2014 at approximately 12:15pm; three years, 450 pages of double spaced Times New Roman, and 106,585 words later I finished my novel.  Just the week before I had to quit working on it because I hated it so much.  I was so close to the end, and I just wanted to be done with it already so I forced myself to keep opening that word document. I went at it again that day, and two hours later there was nothing left to type. 

Me and my manuscript

My first thought was Oh my gosh.  I think I just finished my novel.  I sat there staring at my screen for a few minutes while my eyes welled with tears.  I sat with it for a while on my own.  It felt like the best way to really take it in and enjoy the incredible wave of happiness washing over me.  I thought about texting my mom, or MJ but I decided I'd rather say it in person because it's not something you get the opportunity to say very often. Then I tweeted it because what else do you do in this day and age?  I was bursting.  I had to tell someone and it was my way of shouting it out to the world, but at the same time still keeping it a wonderful secret to enjoy and savor for myself.  I got some really sweet replies from some of you that made me even more excited.

I didn't look at it for a few days after I finished, but then tons of ideas started rolling in and the editing process began.  It was non stop.  I was jotting down notes in my phone and imagining different scenarios in my head constantly. Every time I looked at it, I frantically added or changed something.   The revising part was way easier then writing the thing in the first place.  I was actually really enjoying it and having a lot more fun with it than I had in a while.  That went on for a month until it got really exhausting and I needed it to stop.  I was so enmeshed in the process that after a while I couldn't see what I was reading anymore.  I felt like I was changing things just to be changing them, so I knew it was time to take a break.  I added 3,219 words and 14 pages by then, when I have a feeling I probably needed to trim it down.

My parents were coming down that Saturday and I decided right then and there that I would going to FedEx Kinko's to print it out and let my mom read it.  I always knew that if I let anyone read it at all, it would be her.  I had come to a nice resting point with the editing and I couldn't look at it anymore so it seemed like the right time to take a break.  I could get some feedback, regroup and then go over it again for more edits with a fresh eye.

It takes a while to print out that many pages so we were there for a bit, and it was really special having my mom there.  At one point the lady doing the print job said, "So who's the author?" I got to raise my hand and say, "Me.  I wrote it,"  and that felt really good.  Thank goodness I told her double sided because when finished it was pretty thick. Total cost: $25 bucks.  I planned to put it into a binder, but it would have been a whole lot of pages to three hole punch and I didn't even have a binder that thick so it went into a box.  That stack of paper is a physical representation of  so much time and effort.  I wrote all of that?  It's really hard to believe that I finally have something to show for all those years I've been tapping away at my computer.   I can officially say I have a manuscript now and it feels really strange because I never imagined myself to be a person that would ever get to say that.  

My shadow on the beaches of Playa Del Carmen, MX

Five years ago I didn't know how to start writing a novel and then, once I started, I didn't know if I could finish.  For 2 1/2 years I essentially gave up.  Life got busy and I told myself that I must be crazy to think I can actually write a novel anyway.  I put it aside, but that desire to write kept on coming back.  The yearning to finish what I started would not go away, so I dusted it off and committed myself to 15 pages a month for however long it took; which turned out to be three years.  I didn't put too much pressure on myself which was helpful.  When I reached the minimum acceptable novel length word count, I focused on finishing the story and finishing it this year.  When it was finally done, I didn't know if I'd ever print it out, then I didn't know if I'd let anyone read it, and now I don't know if I'll ever publish.  I've been winging it every step of  the way. Going from the desire to write a novel to the act of spending three years actively trying to do it has been all about me loving to write and wanting to do it for myself.  With all honesty, I can truly say that finishing it was my ultimate goal and if I never do a thing with it I'll be okay. 

It's fiction.  It might not be any good, but the story I've poured my heart and and soul into for three years is done and that alone makes me really happy because wishing I could write a novel got really old.  I wanted to do it.  There are many things in life I haven't got a shot in hell at accomplishing, but deep down I knew that writing a novel was not one of those things.  I wasn't convinced I could do it but I had to try because there are some things in life that you know you have to do even if you don't believe that you can.  I wanted to accomplish at least one goal in my lifetime that I could be really be proud of.  This is that thing, and I'm glad to finally be able to say I did it.