Sometimes it's all Just a Little too Much

September was the worst.  

Coming home after 6 weeks abroad was fantastic. There were spiders in every corner of my kitchen. Disgusting Spiders. And you know how much I hate spiders? A lot. It's just one reason I really need my husband to come home. I'm so afraid of spiders that I took my garage door opener with me to Germany, and it's not because I drove to Germany or even to the airport.  My car was in the garage the whole time I was gone, but I knew I'd never make it through the front door of my house in the dark with my luggage through cobwebs (I knew were waiting for me) without some serious mental trauma.

I was also really thrilled to show up at the post office on Saturday afternoon to collect my mail only to be told there was no record of my mail hold.  How are they going to send me an email that my mail hold is ending soon when they never even did it in the first place? I was beyond annoyed.

The other awesome thing that welcomed me home was my dear old friend insomnia. Return to USA jet lag was not so bad. Dead tired at 7pm, deep sleep, and wide awake at 4:30am (before my alarm) was doable. I could work with that, but as the days progressed, tired at 7pm, barely any sleep, and an alarm clock that goes off at 6:30am, leaves much to be desired.  Grocery shopping. Meal prep. I missed it so much! The familiar zombie like routine of work, eat, skip the work out cause I'm too tired, and then go to bed so I can not sleep was back in full effect. I was not impressed.

What most of my weekends look like lately and I'm not mad about it

As miserable as I was, I had to ask myself an obvious question.  Does my life really suck that bad?  My actual life. Not the one that I pretended to have while I was in Europe.

I was really bitter about my return to the US and having to say good-bye to my husband again, but I didn't expect anything different. You can't fly business class, spend six weeks swanning through Europe having the best time of your life with your husband whom you don't get to see very often and expect everything to be rainbows and sunshine when it's all over. That's not how any of this works. At least not for me.  The high was just too high and there wasn't anywhere else for me to go but down.

The whole sleep deprivation thing was hard enough, but the realization that I've been suffering with daily pain for about ten months with no end in sight was enough to push me over the edge. The regression at Physical Therapy was a rude awakening, that no matter how much effort I'd been putting into exercises, it was getting worse and not better.  Not only that, but my shoulder condition itself was changing. The pain was changing.

The stiffness is terrible. I had to get a left handed mouse at work and learn how to use it because my right shoulder won't tolerate mousing all day anymore. Is mousing even word?  I had already given up sleeping on my stomach, Yoga, and any physical activity involving arms. It already hurt to reach for things, and get dressed, but one day I found myself crying in the shower because the pain was so bad I barely had the mobility to shave my arm pits.  I could definitely shave my arm pits in Germany, so these changes were happening pretty quickly, and it was scary to have no idea why or how bad it was going to get. Sure, I slacked off on my Physical Therapy while I was traveling. It was unavoidable. I did some PT while I was there, but up to that point I did my daily exercises religiously.  I was doing everything I could do to heal my shoulder and just when I thought it had gotten as bad as it could get it was getting even worse and there was nothing I could do about it. Up to that point I still had some hope that my shoulder might get better, and the rest of the hope I was hanging onto was crushed within a matter of weeks.

Dealing with daily pain is exhausting, and it really takes it's toll on you after a while.  One of the hardest things was feeling like this big bad thing was happening to me and I had to face it by myself. Admitting that you are not okay is like asking for reinforcements so that the burden of carrying whatever it is that feels too heavy is just a little bit lighter. I was not okay, and I said as much, but I was still on my own. My arm hadn't fallen off or anything, so nobody was concerned. It felt like nobody cared about me or what I was going through, which made me feel more alone than ever. I read this study about people living with chronic rotator cuff pain and I started crying so hard I had to get up and shut the door to my office. I identified with everything. It validated all of the feelings, fears and experiences I was having as I continued to live with this pain.

I wish I could say that I was just a little bit down, but unfortunately I know what depression feels like and depression is most definitely what it was.  It wasn't just being tired all the time, and it wasn't just being in pain all the time. Sometimes it starts with that, but by the time depression takes over it's a lot deeper. Your thoughts take you to some pretty dark places and the next thing you know you feel completely and utterly hopeless about everything. I felt like I didn't know how I'd make it through each day. I also felt like I didn't want to. I was crying all the time. Bitter tears of emotional pain that made me feel like my entire existence was a waste of time. Nobody cares about me. I will always be sad.  Nothing will ever get better. These are the the things you tell yourself, and in that moment you really believe it to be true. It's a really sad and lonely place to be.

So, does my life really suck that bad?

I think the answer really depends on when you ask. My life is not perfect, but it's a darn good one and it generally does not suck. April was awesome, July was joyous, and August was amazing, but in September, my life most definitely sucked.  That's just where I was at.  Getting back into the daily grind was incredibly difficult. I know it sounds ridiculous, but 6 weeks of freedom from work felt so good, that I was actually upset I had to go to work. I had to reacquaint myself with being confined to an office for forty-five hours a week and why it is that I do it. Everyone at work was talking about the once in a million years solar eclipse that Monday. What eclipse? Who cares. I was too busy trying to shake the cobwebs off my brain, and it continues to be insanely busy since my first day back.

Last month I was mentally and physically exhausted, and my ability to cope with all the things was severely compromised. Being a responsible adult 'aint always easy, and sometimes it's all just a little too much.  I'm still struggling, but I know that things do get better some how some way, even when I find myself in a place that won't allow me to believe it. I got issues (and you got 'em too), but sometimes it really is just one day at a time.

September sucked, but is it too much to ask for an Outstanding October? It might be, but I'm asking for it anyway. Doing a handstand and a full week of solid sleep is probably pushing it, but I want that back too. I'll also take a nice November, and a delightful December. Please and thank you.

Related:
Injured List
My Battle with Insomnia

 
Bloglovin' // Twitter // Facebook // Instagram