Sometimes it's all Just a Little too Much

September was the worst.  

Coming home after 6 weeks abroad was fantastic. There were spiders in every corner of my kitchen. Disgusting Spiders. And you know how much I hate spiders? A lot. It's just one reason I really need my husband to come home. I'm so afraid of spiders that I took my garage door opener with me to Germany, and it's not because I drove to Germany or even to the airport.  My car was in the garage the whole time I was gone, but I knew I'd never make it through the front door of my house in the dark with my luggage through cobwebs (I knew were waiting for me) without some serious mental trauma.

I was also really thrilled to show up at the post office on Saturday afternoon to collect my mail only to be told there was no record of my mail hold.  How are they going to send me an email that my mail hold is ending soon when they never even did it in the first place? I was beyond annoyed.

The other awesome thing that welcomed me home was my dear old friend insomnia. Return to USA jet lag was not so bad. Dead tired at 7pm, deep sleep, and wide awake at 4:30am (before my alarm) was doable. I could work with that, but as the days progressed, tired at 7pm, barely any sleep, and an alarm clock that goes off at 6:30am, leaves much to be desired.  Grocery shopping. Meal prep. I missed it so much! The familiar zombie like routine of work, eat, skip the work out cause I'm too tired, and then go to bed so I can not sleep was back in full effect. I was not impressed.

What most of my weekends look like lately and I'm not mad about it

My Battle with Insomnia

Not to be overly dramatic or anything, but guys, I am hanging on by a thread.  A thin, frayed thread precariously close to snapping.  My life is not in danger and there are far worse things to battle, but referring to this as my battle with insomnia feels fitting because I have been dealing with this off and on for a long time.  There is no rhyme.  There is no reason.  I go to bed just like I do every other night, except there is that one night I wait for sleep and it doesn't come.  Not that night, or the next, or the next.

A photo posted by Cece🌺 (@mahoganydrive) on Sep 25, 2016 at 4:35pm PDT

I went to see the Lion King on Sunday.  It was so entertaining and so good.  Lions dancing, mountains moving and can you feel the love tonight?  I felt it.  It was great, but I could barely keep my eyes open.  Sunday matinee performances after a carb heavy brunch and a mimosa is enough to make anyone feel a bit drowsy, but I was fighting sleep almost the entire time.  Fighting so hard, that it was kind of painful, and that's been my life for going on two weeks now.  My eyes are glazed over and heavy inside my skull.  I don't quite have a headache, but the tension in my head pulses and the energy it takes to keep my eyes open when every cell in my body is telling me I need to sleep is nauseating.

I worked out six days last week.  This week I'm doing five.  Working out has been non negotiable for so long that I'm on auto pilot.  No matter how tired I am, I take off my clothes and wiggle into a sports bra as soon as I walk in the door. I might as well work out.  It's not like I can sleep instead.  I feel a temporary burst of energy right after I work out, but by the time I've showered and made my way downstairs for dinner, usually around 7:00ish, it's gone and I'm crashing all over again.

I'm exhausted, but I still can't sleep.

I get into bed and lay down from about 8:30-9:00pm to 6:20am, so according to my Fit Bit I'm sleeping, but I'm not! When my alarm goes off in the morning I'm already awake.  I think I'm going to be okay, but by the time I get to work I don't know how I'll make it.  Over the weekend I didn't wake up at 7:00am.  I gave up at 7:00am because I was just laying there.  I can't say I don't sleep at all, but whatever it is that is happening isn't restful because it doesn't feel like sleep when I am aware that I am laying in bed trying to sleep.  I don't know how you dream without sleeping, but it happens.  You know those dreams when you are aware that you are dreaming and you feel kind of like you are trapped in your own body watching yourself dream?  It was like that.  

My magic pill rx doesn't work and it's not because I've been taking it too much.  I learned that lesson the hard way last year after taking it Sunday through Thursday for months.  My body adapted.  It stopped working and I had to tough it out on my own for a while.  Since that bout ended I have only used it occasionally, so I fully expected it to lull me to sleep.  I finally tried melatonin two nights ago.  Who knew it came in flavors?  The strawberry smelled so good I wanted to eat it like candy but I didn't.  I swallowed one pill and hoped for the best.  No luck.  I doubled it up last night.  Some luck.  I felt like I actually went to sleep as in a not aware that I am trying to sleep deep sleep for at least a few hours, but I think I was awake by 1:00am off and on.  Valerian Root is on deck.  Might as well try everything.

I don't have kids.  I'm supposed to be able to sleep when I want! I cannot function like this for much longer, and yet I have no choice, but to function like this for as long as it continues.  Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.  This is torture!  I don't feel as zombie like as I did yesterday, but sitting in front of a computer for eight hours is not helpful, so it will be another long day.

Does anyone else struggle with insomnia on a regular basis?  What works for you?

 
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Sleeping Is Not My Strong Point

There are quite a few things I am bad at. I suck at parallel parking, I can't sing and I am horrible when it comes to math and numbers. But, of all the things there are to be bad at I never thought sleeping would be one of them. I have suffered from insomnia on and off over the years and lately it has definitely been more on then off. My ability to sleep has been severely hindered for about the last 5 months. I was taking OTC sleeping pills and Benadryl. I finally went ahead and got a prescription sleeping pill and it has helped although not consistently.

Up until about two weeks ago my problem was that it took me a long time to fall asleep, if at all. I'd lay there all night waiting for sleep and probably getting some but not long enough or deep enough to feel rested in the morning. I haven't needed my alarm clock to actually wake up in over two weeks. I need it to know when to get out of bed but I have been waking up hours before my alarm clock and not because I have gotten all of the sleep I need. I seem to be OK on nights that I don't have to wake up early in the morning. I can stay up as late as I want and sleep in as late as I need to-though not usually past 9 am. Even if I didn't sleep all that well I am waking up late enough and on my "own" time so it compensates for any fatigue I might feel.

Sleep deprivation has simply become a part of my daily life, like it or not. I wake up tired. I go to work tired. I come home tired. I go to bed tired. And it just doesn't end. It takes its toll after a while. I am so worn out that I have no energy to do anything but drag my body through the motions. I come home too tired to even sit and watch a movie and forget about going anywhere after work. No errands, no happy hour-nothing. I am just too tired. I won't ever take a nap though, because by the time I get home it's 5:30 and I know that will only make sleeping even harder later.

Even if I am feeling rested enough on the weekends I still don't want to do anything because I've gotta recoup mentally from being so exhausted and fried all week long.

Monday was another rough one, but every day starting on Tuesday I've been feeling progressively more refreshed and rested then have in a long time. My eyes aren't glazed over and burning with fatigue. My head isn't aching and heavy. So, I am hoping that this is a continued trend and that my sleeping skills are improving. I just ordered a refill for another 30 day supply of Restoril but it would be really nice if I didn't need it.

Hump Day

I did the hard part. I actually fell asleep with the help of my sleeping pill Rx in a timely manner and was sleeping soundly last night. The kiss of death was when I woke up to use the restroom and couldn't go back to sleep. I don't know what time it was. I usually make a point never to look at the time while I'm trying to fall asleep or if I wake up in the middle of the night. Knowing the time usually makes me a little bit anxious if I have to wake up early and only feeds into my insomnia problem. So, I lay there for who knows how long. My mind is racing with thoughts about something I want to write about and things I need to do so much so that I get out of bed and make a list so instead of hoping I don't forget I can quiet my mind and hopefully get some sleep. It helps a little but I still lay there until the sounds of my morning radio show tell me to get up. One more hour and I might have been able to fall back to sleep. But alas, duty calls and I must drag my tired body to work like it or not.

So, here I sit at work with 2 hours to go and I am DRAGGING. I can literally hear the clock ticking. And with every tock I get closer to where I'd much rather be. At home wearing my jammies. Relaxing.