Why I Love My Body

Are these women normal?

This is an interesting question for me because I have had so many issues over the years with body image and weight. Most women including myself are not genetically engineered to be a Victoria's Secret model. So often those are images that are considered the standard of what a perfect woman looks like and if you don't fit the mold, well it can leave you feeling like you don't measure up. Like there is something wrong with you, when in reality that is not the case. Those models are actually freaks of nature, beautiful freaks of nature yeah, but they are not the norm. It is not reasonable to even try to measure myself against them but it is so hard not to sometimes. The average American woman is 5'4, weighs 140 lbs, and wears a size 14 dress. That is reality.

Victoria's Secret asks women to answer this question in 500 characters or less for a Body By Victoria Contest. Normally, my thoughts naturally turn to why I hate my body and not why I love it so this was a good exercise for me. This is my answer:

I've been critical of its shape and; complained about its size. Mistreated it, taken it for granted and; even hated it at times. In spite of it all my body continues to sustain me. I am alive and well because of its unfaltering resolve to love me even when I don't always return the favor. I love my body because it is healthy, strong and toned. It allows me to do things I love and be the person that I am.

16 1/2 Hour Video Shoot

It's 5:00 am on a Saturday morning and instead of being in bed like I usually am I am in my bathroom slathering liquid foundation on my face. No make up artist on set today. I'm it. I hit the road by 6 am to make my 7:30 am call time. Upon arrival I am handed scrubs. They aren't exactly flattering but I don't really care because I basically get to wear pajamas all day. After changing I am sent into the exam room where the filming will take place. At the moment I am just background. This is the easy part and it allows me to get a feel for how the set up will be.

I booked a shoot for a Dental Network's instructional video and I am going to be playing Tasha the Dental Hygienist. I was told that there was no need to memorize the lines because we'd be using teleprompters, which is something I've never done before. I find out that with teleprompters you have to actually pretend that the monitor is the other actor. As you say and respond to lines you do so not towards a person but a 17" screen with words scrolling down it and we are not to ever look at the other actor in the scene. This makes me nervous but I am not overly concerned. At least not yet.

The shoot moves pretty quickly. There is little to no prep time or rehearsal from scene to scene. When my scene comes up I am caught off guard. I am handed a prop, the director is talking pretty quickly, and they are all focused on me.

I don't know what happened but suddenly I am nervous. I lose my confidence and then it's all downhill from there. I begin to perspire and my heart speeds up. I feel like I have lost my ability to even read. The director says action and I awkwardly stumble through my lines. At the end I am to show the "patient" her CEREC Onlay (still have no idea what that is exactly) and when I lean in to do so it is stiff and awkward. The director tells me as much and gives me some corrections. On top of the trouble I am already having now I am told that I need to memorize the lines and play towards the actor now. I couldn't even read them and now I am supposed to have them memorized?

My nerves have taken over and I feel a if the connection between my brain and my body has been completely severed. All I know is that I am in here screwing up and there is a room full of various people including the client, crew, and other cast members watching this on a the big monitor set up in the main room. Oh yeah, and this is HD. Every flaw is going go be magnified by 10 million. In my mind I am saying, "What made me think I could do this?, Omg,omg,omg. What is wrong with me?" Only three lines and I am already panicking. Somehow I make it through the scene and walk out feeling like the biggest idiot on set. I have visions of totally blowing the rest of my scenes and getting fired from my agency for being such a looser and the director yelling at me for ruining the whole shoot.

And so the day goes. Mostly I am background and I continue the day with this cold fear in the pit of my stomach. I sit around with the other actors chatting. I mention that I don't do this all that often anymore. "Why?," they ask. "Uh, because I have an actual job I reply." They order in Mexican for lunch. More sitting around pretending like I actually know what I am doing. We have a location change around 6. There is more shooting. More sitting around. I watch the other actors get through their scenes dreading that all of mine are still to come. They take Starbucks orders. Then, dinner arrives from California Pizza Kitchen.

So, I'm finally up. I try to relax and I tell myself that I am a pro and I CAN do this. This is what I've been hired to do and I've never had a problem with lines on any job I've ever done. We stand in as they light and set the scene. We rehearse it a couple times and they change some dialogue.

And then, the director says "camera rolling...action."

I deliver my lines to the monitor perfectly. No hesitation, no problem. I got this! Why was I so worried before? I feel great now and have no problems with the rest of the shoot. At one point I am to smile warmly and greet a backpack on the floor as if it were the patient sitting in the chair and even that doesn't phase me. On camera it will actually look like I am talking to the patient but at the moment it looks quite silly. Each take is done from a distance, then close ups of each actor. So, there are three different angles and with each angle we do it as many times as it takes until the director is satisfied that it's good. There is no going home for anyone until all the shots are done however long it takes. By the time we finish it is midnight. I don't get home until 1:30 am and I am in bed around 2:00 pm. It's late enough that I can call my honey to say goodnight. It's really nice to get to hear his voice before I go to bed.

As I drift off to sleep I am exhausted but happy. I have never had a longer day then this. All told I was up for about 22 hours. That's rough for a wimp like me. A freaking 16 1/2 hour shoot is insane!! It was a marathon of a day but I am so glad to have overcome my jitters. It was great to be making some extra money and doing what I enjoy doing.

Baby Maybe

A couple weeks ago I was at a girls get together and my friend brought her one month old baby. It is not often that I am around a newborn so at first I was reluctant to hold her but as the night went on I found that I could not resist. She is absolutely precious. She was wearing tiny silver shoes with a bright pink matching leggings and top outfit. Soft sweet smelling baby skin and baby fine curly hair atop her little head. Tiny hands, tiny feet. Tiny mouth with yeah, you guessed it, tiny little lips. I sat on the couch holding her and just marveling at this tiny little person. I looked into her eyes as she stared back at me and I could only wonder what little baby thoughts might be passing through her mind, and what it might be like to have a little person like that of my own.

Then, she started crying and I had to give her back to mama. I watched as mommy rocked her and tried to sooth her with pacifiers, bottles, and a diaper change. I listened as she described the pain of breast feeding and her so far 22 pound weight loss. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of doing such a thing. Nine months of gestation, gaining massive amounts of weight, labor pains, the whole change in lifestyle. Oh, and let's not even talk about the cost. I am not one of those women who always wanted to be a mom or has this innate love for all things baby and child. Should I take that as a sign? As I get older and older I have started to think that perhaps my life is fine just the way it is. The thought of bringing an innocent child into this increasingly scary world is well...scary. I really don't want to be an "old" mom. Right now 35 is my age maximum although it used to be 30, so a very short window remains in which to make this decision. I am not ready for a baby just yet, but my biological clock is tick tocking away and those maternal instincts keep showing up when I least expect it. I don't want to miss out on the joy that being a mother and having a family can bring but I want to enjoy married life without kids before we take that step. He is kind of on the fence about the whole thing too, so at least we are on the same page. He is younger then me and is even less ready then I am.

I am not sure what it will take to push us to one side or the other, but I suppose only time will tell. It is a HUGE decision and one that we will ultimately make together but until then...that biological clock will just have to keep on ticking.

Kiss Me Through The Phone

I spend my lunch breaks in my car talking to MJ before he goes to bed. Because of the nine hour time difference that is really the only time we get to talk during the work week. He tells me I have put him on restriction but I didn't really have a choice. Just this month we have cut down to Mon, Wed, Fri for an hour instead of five days a week because I only have 1000 minutes that can be used outside of nights and weekends and the numbers just weren't adding up. I feel like something is missing on the days I wake up in the morning and know that I won't be talking to him. I considered just talking for 30 minutes daily but once I have him on the phone that feels way to short and it's hard for me say good bye, until I have to.

We basically have a long distance relationships right now so the phone has become our primary means of communication. It's great and all but the phone really does have it's limits. Telling him about my day or what's going on in my life day after day on the phone can get old and it's not because I don't love him or because I don't want to talk to him. There is a whole element of non verbal communication that is totally missing when all you get to do is talk on the phone. So much gets lost in translation. I'll mention something and he'll have no clue what I'm talking about even though I told him about it just a few days before. He'll say something and I can't hear him because of poor reception or maybe his voice is too low. I'll say something and he says "what?" so I have to repeat everything twice. I'll deliver what is essentially a monologue about one thing or another and I can't really be sure if he's heard a word I've said. After this happens over and over again I begin to feel that he is either tired, not paying attention, or I am boring him to death. I have no idea which because I CANT SEE HIM. Suddenly, I am feeling irritable and I don't feel like talking anymore. Then, I feel like the wicked witch of the West because this is my fiance, I love him dearly, and even as irritable as I am feeling I just want to hear his voice. He has been so wonderful to me throughout this separation. During the extremely busy pre deployment trainings and traveling he was working 7 days a week but he always made time for me. Since he's been overseas I have never had to wonder if he'll call me, if he misses me or if he's thinking about me because he has been so great about being right there on the phone telling me. He lets me run my mouth about anything and everything for hours on end without complaint. Sometimes if he wakes up in the middle of the night (afternoon or evening my time) he'll call just to hear my voice and say "I love you." He just gets it that I need to hear from him and he does it willingly.

I am really am lucky and grateful to be able to talk to my deployed soldier as much as I do and I am even luckier that my deployed soldier is as thoughtful as he is. So, for now the hour long lunch break phone conversations and weekend Cyber Dates are here to stay. When he gets home we can NOT talk on the phone all we want because we'll be talking and doing all kinds of other things...up close and personal!

I Don't Really Cook

I cooked the last two of my frozen chicken breasts so I could eat one for dinner. This is a big deal for me because I do not cook on a regular basis. In fact, I think this is only the second batch of meat or other actual meal I've prepared that required the use of an oven since I have lived here. The first was probably about two years ago and was also chicken breasts. I know, it's really sad but I have lived alone for the last five years and my eating habits have gone up and down during that time frame to the point where cooking just has not happened very often. I am almost surprised when I smell the actual aroma of actual food coming from my kitchen. I am sure that will become less of an isolated incident when MJ gets back. When I went to his place on weekends cooking was something for us to do together and saved us from spending money on eating out ALL the time. I even got crafty once and made up my own recipe that turned out pretty tasty. My first marriage was so dysfunctional I don't even know where to start in terms of why me cooking ultimately never really happened but I definitely want things to be different this time. I never enjoyed cooking growing up. Maybe it's because my mom used to try to make me. She loves cooking and I always wished I did too. I just had no desire to do it; but somehow it's different for me now. The idea of providing for the man I love somehow makes it seem like less of a chore.

Cooking also represents making an effort to eat food with significant nutritional value. This is something I used to totally avoid at home. "Real meals" were reserved for eating out or with friends and family only. In between that at home, well let's just say the pickings were slim. For months and months on end I put three slices of lunch meat, a Kraft single, and mustard between two slices of Wonder bread. I paired it with exactly 14 fat free Pringles and called it dinner. And forget about actually going out and bringing any kind of food home. Money was so tight for a while that I simply couldn't spare it very often but in addition to that, it served a dual purpose of preventing me from eating "excessive" calories. More recently, I will get either Taco Bell or Subway if I want to go out and get something. Five dollar foot longs that last for two days and 99 cent tacos. I stick to the same order every time and know the calorie counts for each item. Old habits die hard. I will also eat Smart One's or Lean Cuisine's at home whereas before I would not. When I am alone It's just too easy for me to fall back into my old restrictive and routine patterns around food but it is getting better. Believe it or not the chicken tasted better then it looks! Boring and simple, but healthy, nutritious, and normal. Rachel Ray I am not-but it is definitely a step in the right direction for me.

Oh, the bummer for the day is that I think my garbage disposal is broken. When I turned it on today, instead of roaring to life like usual it just make this kind of dead buzzing sound. The crazy thing is I hardly ever even use the darn thing. Wonder how much this is going to cost me? My movie for the evening was I Love You Man. It was really good and funny. Now, I'm going to watch Make It Or Break It then go to bed. It is a really phony and dramatic new TV series on ABC Family that is targeted to kids half my age. It's the first show ever centered around Elite Gymnastics so have to watch it right? Well, that's how it started out, but I have to admit that I actually like it!

Care Package For My Cutie

I was luxuriating in bed feeling quite lazy after sleeping in on a Saturday morning when It suddenly occurred to me that I was supposed to get a care package out to MJ. The post office closes a 1:00 pm and it's about 10 am so I jumped up and got into the shower so I could get out the door and get going. I have other errands to run and so while I was out I was also trying to get those done too. Errands can be so annoying, especially when you are in a hurry and you just don't feel like doing them. I went to Food 4 Less and picked up a bunch of his favorite snacks but they didn't have the one thing he specifically requested which was Salami sticks. So, I rushed to Target to pick up some things I needed since it's right next door then I go to Ralph's looking for those darn meat sticks. Nope, not there either so he'll have to settle for Salami slices. I drive to the post office and put all of his goodies inside and tape it up with the packaging tape I keep in my car just for this purpose. Feeling triumphant that I have made my deadline with 45 minutes to spare I walk into the post office only to find that it now closes at 12pm. Damn budget cuts!! The sign on the door says there is another one nearby that is open later so I stop at the house to drop off the items I'd picked up from the grocery store that need refrigeration then head back out to the post office. Too bad I passed this very post office 2x during my earlier errands without even realizing it existed!! Then, there is the lovely long line that seems to be a constant no matter which post office you go to.

Although, fairly isolated he is on an actual military base where he does have access to stores with snacks and various sundries but it's not the same as getting them from me. And, there are some things he can't get. If he wants or needs something I send it. Right after he left I ordered a package of standard rate priority boxes and have probably sent him about a package a month during the course of his deployment so far. Besides phone and computer it's just one more way of staying in touch, supporting him, and letting him know that he may be far away but he is not forgotten. I love sending him packages and I really think he appreciates receiving them from me so it's well worth the running around it sometimes takes to get them to him. I only have one more package to send him which is a very good thing because that means he's coming home soon.