Babies Are More Then Just A Cute Picture

My nephew DJ gets cuter every day

Looking at those little arms flailing about, that joyful little baby expression and those bright eyes makes my heart melt.  Literally.  It's in a puddle on the floor right now so I don't even know how I am typing this!  If this pic doesn't make you want one of these I don't know what will.  That's just the thing though.  Babies are more then just a cute picture.  I am not a kid person.  Never have been.  I absolutely did NOT expect to be this enamored by my little nephew.  I can't stop talking and thinking about this precious little boy and that kind of scares me.  I don't want children.  At least I don't think I do.  Until I hold him and look at his pictures and feel those maternal instincts tugging at my heart like never before.  Babies are so full of life.  Sometimes a little too much of it at 2:00 am when my sister would kill for another hour of sleep but still.  When you look at their little faces you just see so much hope and possibilities.  They are so innocent and have so much living ahead of them.  It really is a beautiful thing. And as a parent you get to be a part of that.

But they will not always be babies.  They grow into terrible two's and angry adolescents.  I have to wonder.  Do I just want that cute little baby to call my own and not everything else that goes along with it?  There is so much time, energy and money that will go into making that little boy a man.  Is that something I want to take on for myself?  I am determined to think logically here and not be swayed by emotion.  My head says "Hell no I don't want any kids," and my heart says "Yes." But only some of the time.  Having a baby changes EVERYTHING and I'm not so sure that I want everything to change.  I actually kind of like things the way they are.  Mj and I are free to do or not do whatever it is we please.  We can travel or just go to he movies without thinking twice.  The house is quiet and the only person I have to pick up after is him! What effect might it have on our relationship? I think I'm tired when I get home from work now?  Well, the work never ends when you have a little one.  Being a stay at home mom likely would not be an option.  Going back to work would be so hard and of course there are astronomical child care expenses.  Any extra money right can go towards savings, retirement or just ourselves right now but that would not be the case with a child in the mix.  I can't even afford ballet lessons for myself so how am I supposed to feed, clothe, support a child AND pay for their extracurricular activities?  They want and need so much and I would want to give it to them.  Sometimes people jump in without considering these things.  People just assume that having a child is what they are "supposed" to do without really considering the option of doing the cost benefit analysis and simply deciding not to.  That it might not be the right thing for them.   People worry, me included-that a life is incomplete without a child but I don't want to do something just because that's what everybody does and I THINK I might be missing out.  I wish I just KNEW for sure either way what I really wanted.  I'm not getting any younger here.

I need to baby sit this little guy to see what it feels like but even still I will never know the full enormity of what it is to have a child of my own unless I actually had one.  That's the tricky part.  It's natural for any woman to have doubts and fears about having a baby but because I am not a woman who has always wanted to be a mother I have to be very careful here. I have to think with my head and not my emotions.  It can't be a passing fancy or just a moment.  It has to be a desire and a need in order for me to move past those normal doubts.  And then there is Mj of course.  It has to be a joint decision.  He is still at "HELL NO" and despite those maternal feelings I didn't even know I had, most of me is still there too.  So for now the answer to the baby question is still no.  Whether or not that changes remains to be seen and in the meantime I'll just have to direct all of that revved up maternal energy towards my sweet little nephew.  Which won't be too hard-I mean...just look at him!

Wedding Wednesday: Processional/Meet the Bridesmaids

I got to watch everything unfold from the back without anyone knowing.  When I took my first peak at the scene that was my wedding ceremony I had my second cry of the day.  All of those RSVP's sitting in my shoe box at home had translated into all of these people sitting in one place at our wedding.  It was so surreal.  It was finally happening.  The six months of planning and a hectic morning had finally come down to this.  I watched Mj walk his grandma then our mom's down the aisle.  Then our bridal party walked down the aisle to take their places at the front. 

Mj and Grandma.  He went back and got my mom and his mom. 
I got them both to wear PINK!

Our bridal party.  The girls-Eb, Fe, Jan, Lil' sis.



Eb is one of my closest friends and the only one of my bridesmaids who lives here and actually got to come to my bridal shower.  We met about five years ago when we both used to work for the same company.  She is as forgetful and fun as she is sweet and giving.  I love having her as a friend.  Fe is the one friend I made in college and actually stayed in touch with.  She lives in Atlanta but she told me from the start that she would make it for my wedding.  She was only here for one night.  I wish I had been able to spend more time with her.  Jan is my oldest and closest friend.  We met in 8th grade English class.  We are such opposites it's a wonder that we were even friends.  I was always the quiet conservative one and she was the wild outspoken one who dated older guys when I had never even been on a date.  We did cheerleading and gymnastics together in high school and stayed in touch through college even with all the craziness going on in our lives.  She is in No. Cal finishing out her time in the Army AND getting her Master's degree.  She drove for hours here and back to be at my wedding for just the one night and I barely even got a chance to talk to her.  Without her this wedding would not even be happening since she is THE WOMAN who introduced us.  Thank goodness she did!  Last but not least is little sis and MOH.  My how this young lady has grown up.  She is 10 years younger then me and I used to change her diapers.  She used to be painfully shy but now she is a beautiful well spoken young woman about to graduate from college in San Francisco.  The only person not up there that I wanted to be was my big sis.  She got pregnant and didn't know if she was even going to be able to come.  Then she found out she could and I was just happy to have her there. 

I didn't have a bachelorette party.  I don't have a lot of friends.  I'm kind of over "going out" and so the idea going to party downtown just to say I did for my bachelorette party was not appealing.  After reading about some of these awesome girls weekends that other bride's had I kinda wished I'd been able to have that.  How amazing it would have been to spend a weekend or even a day with all of these ladies.

   

Mj watching me approach.  Our officiant
may have been nervous the night before
but looks confident here.
He is my bridesmaid Eb's husband.

One of my favorite moments of that day was walking down the aisle with my dad.  He just so happens to have been the target of my only bridezilla moment of the day but I put that behind me as we walked arm in arm.  I drank in everything around me.  The melody of the beautiful music we chose.  The vibrant colors all around me.  All of our friends and family seated together.  The beautiful stark white arch and my handsome man standing there in his tux waiting for me.  Sometimes when people are nervous they rush but my nerves were gone and for the first time all day I felt no need to hurry.  I wanted to take my time and savor the moment.  I need that moment because everything before and after was truly a blur. 

I couldn't stop smiling!

I love it how this pic caught my mom in the background between Mj and Dad.

A great start to the festivities.

You May Kiss the Bride......

Let Her Eat Cake

Having a baby is no joke.  You first must host this child inside your body for 9 months and watch your stomach get bigger then you ever thought possible.  Your body goes through all kinds of changes, hormonal and everything else in between, and then you have to either push it out or have it surgically removed.  The miracle of life is beautiful and all but still-I shudder at the thought.  My poor big sis went through a lot to bring her little man into this world.  She had a hard time getting pregnant in the first place, had a miscarriage, then had fibroids removed to try getting pregnant again.  Once she did get pregnant again those fibroids grew right back with a vengeance causing her painful early contractions.  Then on top of that-gestational diabetes.  Not just the kind that requires diet modification.  She had to actually do daily insulin injections.  She LOVES to eat and HATES needles so this was very hard for her.   But she did it so she could have her healthy baby boy.

The Pastry Chef goes to work

Mj volunteered to make her a sweet sugar filled cake after she had the baby.  He doesn't make the kind that comes out of the box.  He makes the whole darn thing from scratch including the frosting.  The last one he made in June was one of the best cakes I've ever had.  He is very serious about his cakes.  He does research to come up with just the right recipe and he wants it to be just right.  Big sis requested double chocolate so he spent Friday evening making it so we could bring it to her on Saturday.  It turned out just lovely!

Double Chocolate Cake 100% from scratch

We drove to mom's house where big sis is staying on Saturday afternoon.  We all oohed and ahhed over this cake and my mom went out to get ice cream and milk to go with it.  The three of us went to a late lunch and when we got back it was CAKE time and this cake did not disappoint.  The bad news is that she might still have diabetes even though it is supposed to go away after mom delivers.  She is waiting on her test results right now.  The good news is this little guy gets cuter by the day.  We do plenty of oohing and aahing over him too.

He is so sweet!  Four weeks old.

DJ hates his pacifier.  He eats and then his eyes get all droopy as he falls asleep.  His yawns are so big and he makes the most adorable funny faces.  Even Mj finally broke down and wanted to hold him.  As cute as he is he is a lot of work but big sis is embracing her new role as a stay at home mom and I know she will be a good one.

New mom and baby.  Two weeks after C section.

As for that cake.  As good as it was I'm glad it's not in our house because I already know I would eat way too much of it.  I already have my birthday cake request in for April and have already decided that I don't care how much of that one I eat.

The Name Change Shuffle

I changed my last name at the Social Security office and the DMV and it wasn't until after that I felt an unexpected twinge of loss, sadness even-and I can't quite seem to put my finger on why.   After my first marriage I changed my name and never questioned it at any point.  Maybe it's because I'm older now?  After the divorce I didn't want to go through the trouble of changing it back so I never requested that as part of the divorce decree.  I didn't think it would be a big deal to do it later but was shocked and angry to find out that the court wanted to charge me $300 dollars to change it back!  I didn't want the hassle at first but it wasn't long before I felt sort of icky having the ex's last name.  I needed a fresh start.  Fortunately, they eliminated that fee and I felt such sheer relief at getting my own name back that I hardly minded all the phone calls to switch everything out. Again.  I vowed never to change it again.  It's just too much work and I truly believed I would never marry again anyways.  That icky feeling and need to reclaim my maiden name alone tells me that there's something in a name....even though I don't quite know what that something is.

I didn't consider not changing anything.  We are married now.  I want my name merged with his.  Now, if I didn't like his last name I might feel differently.  I have a Bachelor's degree in my maiden name but I haven't done anything awesome like write a book or win a Pulitzer prize with it, unless you count winning the Sectional gymnastics championships in high school.  Which you don't.  Nor have  I established any kind of "career reputation" with it.  You'd actually have to have a career in order to do that.  I don't feel attached to my maiden name for feminist reasons.  The basically chauvinistic concept that it is women who are expected to change their names and not men is not lost on me but I accept it.  It's certainly not about the principal of it for me.  I considered hyphenating but I couldn't really come up with a real reason why I wanted that other then that I felt it would make the transition easier. If I kept both last names then I could interchange between the two seamlessly as needed.  I started reading up about how the hyphen can be a problem during name searches and how no matter what you need to use only one official name anyways to prevent any issues down the road.  I guess just don't feel adamant enough about retaining my maiden name to go the hyphenated route.

It's hard being two people at once.  I don't know who anyone has me on file as.  I carried both drivers licenses just in case because all my credit cards didn't match the new license yet and they punched a hole through the expiration date on the old one.  The last step was putting in the paperwork at my job-which I still don't think has gone through.  Now that I have officially made the change I am actually three people.  There are certain things that I don't want to bother with and/or don't even know how to go about switching.  What do you do about real estate and property titles?  My condo and timeshare are in my old married name.  My car title is in my maiden name.  I will need to change my passport which will then have a 3rd name amendment added to it.  Unfortunately, I don't have any international trips planned so I suppose I can take my time on that one.

Verbally identifying myself as myself with my new last name still feels strange.  When they called my name at the doctor's office it was almost like they were calling someone else and when I see it in print it almost takes me by surprise for a second.  So what's in a name?  I'm still not sure.  My maiden name is me.  I like it.  It's who I have always been.  It sounds natural to say it and it's what I am used to.  On the other hand, I am honored to take Mj's  last name.  It feels special for us to share that and it's new but I already like it.  I'm sure that I will come to own my new last name and take comfort in it as I do our relationship itself.  The reality is that I don't even  think I want to be the person I was before I met him.  He changed my life for the better and there is no me without him so despite any conflicting feelings and brief sense of identity crisis I might feel as a result I know that it's the right choice for me.

Top Model Girls Are Back

Top Model Hopefuls [photo credit: CWTV.com]

America's Next Top Model is back and the girls are skinnier then ever.  Just looking at these girls makes me feel fat.  The prizes for the Cycle 15 winner are better then they have ever been.  In addition to the $100,000 Cover Girl contract the winner will also receive an IMG modeling contract and a high fashion layout in Italian Vogue.  Normally Tyra throws a plus size model or two in there to shake things up a bit and so far they have made it pretty far with Whitney being the first plus size model ever to win on Cycle 10.  This time around there is no plus size model among this gaggle of skinnie minnies.  My guess is that Italian Vogue has something to do with that.  Glamour Magazine may have gotten on board with size acceptance for their models but I doubt that Italian Vogue is even close to making that leap.

There is already drama going on of course.  One girl read the diary of another then soon after admitting that she blatantly invaded her privacy accused her of being a racist.  The show features the tallest contestant ever at 6'2" who also has the smallest waist ever.  I can only describe this girl as a walking skeleton.  Not only might she be too tall for modeling she also might be too skinny.  The usual group of characters showed up for their shot as official Top Model cast members.  The diva.  The shy weird one.  The girl with an attitude that won't quit and another who is way too cocky.  There are a few small town girls sprinkled in there and even an Ivy League rich girl.  There are two mom's and neither one with a single stretch mark to speak of and stomachs that don't look like they ever held a child.  Two of the girls are sisters.   This cycle also sees the biggest bra size ever with one girl at a 34G.  I can't wait to see who cries during the make over episode.  There is always at least one.

The season premiere was just last week and the final girls chosen from last week will move into what is sure to be a killer house mansion on tonight's episode so there is still time to tune in and watch the drama unfold.  I love this show!  I've been watching since Cycle 1.  I've got it programmed into my DVR and will be posted up on the couch every Wednesday at 8:00 pm watching from now until the very last photo shoot and runway stomp to the death.  A new show called Hell Cats about a College competitive cheer squad comes on right after on the same channel that I can feel myself getting sucked into but the jury is still out on that one.

Like A Woman Possessed

Like a woman possessed I got into my car on my lunch break and drove to DSW.  A couple weeks ago it was The Limited to update my work pants and about a week later I went to Express with a coupon and got some really cute cotton fashion tees.  And now this.  I don't know what's gotten into me but I'd be lying if I said I'm not enjoying it.  I am not typically a habitual shopper but for the third time this month I found myself doing just that.  I LOVE DSW shoes and I walked out with not one, not two, but three pairs!  What initially brought me in there was the desire need to replace a pair of my tan wedge slides that Mj sort of teases me about wearing because quite frankly, they are ugly.  There was a day I thought they were cute but that day has long since been done and gone.  It is not uncommon for me to wear ugly items of clothing hanging around my wardrobe simply because I need to wear them with certain outfits and have nothing else to replace it.  Terrible I know, but due to financial considerations sometimes budget trumps fashion and like it or not that's just the way it goes.

My shoe shopping haul-all on clearance at DSW

So, getting back to my DSW trip.  I checked out the regular priced area and didn't see much so I went back to the clearance section and instead of two rows of last season's rejects I was pleasantly surprised at the huge selection they had in big foot size.  Which is a 10.  I found a perfect replacement for my ugly tan shoes in a 9.5 for $35.98.  Thank goodness they fit and they are so comfortable.  The heel height is perfect for me.  I can wear them to work and I'll even want to wear them on the weekends.  Then, I also found a pair of basic Guess black flip flops for $14.96 which I also feel justified in purchasing because I need a pair for my honeymoon.  Now the third pair.  Well, the only justification I can come up for those is that comfort is very important to me.  There was no way I could pass up these comfortable soft leather moccasin like yet extremely adorable flats.  I have lusted after similar flats before.  These are B Makowki's and apparently they use really fine leather which must be why they are so comfortable.  They were originally $89.94 but like the other two, 40% off so I got them for $59.94.   I have a pair of bronze flats that I will likely chuck in favor of these.  They aren't very comfortable but I wore them anyhow because it's the only pair I had in that color.

The lady in line before me insisted on removing all shoes from the boxes so she could place them discreetly in a bag to hide her shopping from her husband.  I thought that was funny.  I know she isn't the only woman out there shopping on the down low.  I on the other hand excitedly rush into the house and share my purchases with my husband.  He actually gets excited for me when I shop because he knows how often I deny myself things that I want and/or need.

This is new territory for someone who used to make a sport of denying myself simple pleasures and I have to say it feels good.   Almost exactly a year ago I went shopping and practically had a nervous breakdown.  I became filled with dread over what I had done.  My friend and I wore our new boots out of the store so I couldn't take them back.  Mj was overseas at the time and when I told him I bought a pair of Uggs I was so upset I burst into tears.  I smashed every bit of joy out of getting something nice for myself.  Which is ridiculous because I save religiously and have been since I was 16.  In lean times it may not have been much but saving has always been a top priority and I certainly know how to do without when the money isn't there.  I don't have credit card debt and I take care of bills first.  I work hard dammit!  I need to allow myself to enjoy things.  Within reason of course.  Which it is because I am still under the monthly budget that I set for myself.  I will not be buying a Louis Vuitton Purse and Anthropologie is still mostly out of the question but a trip to Macy's where I buy a few things or heaven forbid a $140 pair of boots should never feel like the end of the world.  I know when to stop.

Budget is the determining factor for everything.  I may not like it but I accept that I must live within my means weather I like those means or not.  It's been an expensive year.  Planning a wedding, turning my condo into a rental property, and buying a house took priority over everything else.  We still have our honeymoon and next thing you know it'll be Christmas.  After years of shopping with anxiety, many moons of being on total shopping lock down, and more recently shopping just for the house I am finally shopping for me AND enjoying it.  It's about time and I love it!!