Model Homes

The other day MJ and I went looking at a new home community being built near our neighborhood.  Are we in the market for a house?  No, absolutely not.  I love our house.  I never want to move ever, even though my husband has already decided that someday we will.  Today is not that day, but I've had a thing for looking at model homes ever since I was a kid.  I was the one always begging my mom to stop and look at model homes anytime I saw a sign with an arrow pointing this way, for no other reason than because I loved the perfect decor, and imagining what it would be like to have my very own model home some day.  Being there at the model homes, by the same builder as our house brought back so many memories from our home buying journey.  The price sheet.  That new home smell.  The beautiful decor and brand new everything.  This time, it was just for fun, but back then we wanted a house so badly and looking at model homes was the same thing as looking at what we couldn't have.

Model Home viewing 2016-Love this room!!!!

I thought I would enjoy house hunting, but I didn't.  It didn't consist of leisurely strolling through perfectly staged model homes and picking out the one we want.  It was stressful.  It consisted of spending every waking moment scouring listings, viewing homes, and sometimes feeling like an intruder marching through people's homes while they quietly sit on the couch watching TV.  We only did it for about three months, but I could already see how time consuming and how impossible it was actually going to be.  A lot of people were still scared to buy, but there were enough buyers taking advantage of low prices, that you had to get there fast.  No matter how fast you got there, or how much over asking you might be willing to pay the cash offers were winning it all.  MJ was between jobs.  While not the ideal situation for getting financed, it helped that he had extra time during the weekday while I was at work.   After seeing disappointing house after disappointing house, I was exhausted and I was over it.  One day, it was a cluttered house that smelled like moldy cat.  Another day, it was a house missing the front part of it's stove.  It was starting to look like we had a choice between a fixer upper or a move-in ready condo, but we didn't want to do a lot of work and we didn't want a condo.  We found a large low priced, home with stately columns inside that we liked enough even though it needed work, but I don't even think we could find out the status.

One Sunday after viewing homes with our realtor, we decided to stop by a new home community close to where we were living just for the heck of it.  She'd mentioned it, but we didn't bring her with us, because it really wasn't an option.  We just wanted to look.  We went into the office that routes you to the model homes.  They handed us a printout of prices, and it was exactly as I expected.  Too much.  We marveled at the beautiful decor and breathed in the fresh new home smell.  It was exactly what we wanted, if only we could.  Upstairs laundry room, half bath downstairs, and double sinks in the master bathroom.  There were three models and each one, was a little bit smaller than the next, but they were all gorgeous.  I could see myself living in any one of them.  "Well, it would be nice.  But we can't afford it," I said with a sigh when we walked out.  It would be a miracle if we found a home at all, let alone a new one.

We continued searching MLS listings every day, and wondered if we would ever find the right one, let alone by our fast approaching wedding date.  We were crammed in a 400 square foot studio, planning our wedding, and house hunting.  Money was flying out of our bank accounts at an alarming rate and I was stressed beyond belief.  We put in an offer on a nice condo.  We didn't like the apartment style parking situation outside, or the high HOA fees but our options were limited.  We were also nervous about the commute, but we were running out of time and like most people in California on a tight budget we'd have to take what we could get.

It was MJ's idea.  "You know what?  Maybe we should consider the new build."  We wouldn't have to battle it out with ten other buyers.  By the time we paid hefty HOA fees at a condo, or paid over asking just to get in, we might be better off.  It was more than what I wanted us to spend, but I agreed.  We rushed over to the new build, and made a quick decision to do another credit check by the preferred lender so we could get in on the current phase pricing. 

The model of our house

A few days later we signed the final contract, and it was ours.  But what had we done?  The base price got us a builder basic square box with walls.  We hadn't even been to the design studio yet.  There were still hurdles that we didn't even know we'd have to jump through, but it was the moment the house was officially ours.  Nervous but excited, we went over to the model home again and viewed it with a different set of eyes.  Before, it was "Oh how nice, I wish," and a glimpse of something we couldn't have.  This time was different.  It wasn't just something we wished for, it was something that we had.  We'll have room for a king size bed in the master, and an oh my gosh walk in closet.  I ran my hand over the cool stark white bathroom counters and could hardly believe it. I was so excited.  "We did it," I said to him.  We hugged and kissed in the entry way, and it was a triumphant and happy moment for both of us.

Our growing neighborhood in 2010

We chose flooring and kitchen cabinets at the design studio.  We visited the ditches, which became the wood frame, which became our house every week.  After a few setbacks, we finally secured funding.  Back and forth we went to the model homes measuring rooms, and visualizing where everything would go as we shopped for furniture.  Three months later, and we had our very own model home.  Well, not exactly.  We couldn't afford all the upgrades, so we had to do some of them later.  It is not as exquisitely decorated.  Believe me I tried!   We don't live in a magazine ad, but we have lived there happily ever after for almost six years, and it all started with a walk through a model home.  Just for the heck of it.

Our home buying journey

 
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Easiest Meal Prep Ever

We've been meal prepping for going on 12 weeks straight now, and I love it.  I wouldn't want to cook every day even even if I had the time, and this way nobody has to.  At first it seems like a lot of work, but it really isn't and it saves us a lot of time and energy, throughout the busy workweek.  I don't get home from work or to the gym until 5:30ish.  I don't finish working out until about 6:30-6:45pm.  I'm not out of the shower until about 7:15ish.  I do not have time to cook dinner at 7:15pm, eat, and be in bed by 9:00pm.

My lunch and dinner (snacks not pictured)

Grocery shopping is easy, because the menu for the week is simple and all set.  We buy similar whole foods every week and make enough food to last the entire week.  Things like seasoning, rice, almonds, peanut butter and string cheese are purchased with enough to last for a while.  We go back back for perishables, like fruit, veggies, milk, and more meat every week. We grocery shop and meal prep either Saturday or Sunday depending on weekend plans.  Sometimes the meal prep happens over the course of two days, and sometimes it happens on one.

A photo posted by Cece (@mahoganydrive) on Feb 6, 2016 at 7:19pm PST

I do the easiest meal prep known to man.  The only thing that requires actual cooking is the meat, because neither one of us is eating rice right now.  It only takes about 2 hours in all.  In the amount of time it takes me to make one meal, we can make ten. We do the dishes and then we are done with the kitchen for the week.  I do insist that we stay on top of plastic container washing so we don't end up with an overflowing sink full of plastic containersat the end of the week.  We usually marinate chicken and cut broccoli on one day, and then throw the meat in the oven the next day.  Later on, we get back in the kitchen to dish everything out into the plastic containers, and portion out whatever snacks we need. Fresh broccoli is so much better tasting than frozen, and it's super easy to make.  Actually, we don't even cook it anymore.  Our house was literally stinking of broccoli!  It was MJ's idea to put a little bit of water in the meal prep container and microwave it along with our meat so that we are eating fresh crispy broccoli every day. Both of us opt for no cook breakfast's.  MJ has been drinking shakeology.  I eat two slices of Whole Wheat bread with peanut butter, which is my favorite meal of the day. 

During the workweek I just need healthy meals to put in my mouth and fuel me through the week.  It's kind of a blur anyway, so dinner doesn't have to be anything special as long as it's nutritionally balanced and keeps me satisfied.  I don't mind eating the same thing every day, but you don't have to be boring.  MJ likes variety and sometimes cooks Chicken and Turkey plus a pasta salad.  It would be much more time consuming, but another option is to make three separate meals, all at once.  I stick with chicken.  Chicken, chicken, chicken all day every day.  I am a slow cook, and even I can make chicken quickly.  I don't even set the timer.  A digital meat thermometer tells me when it's done.  The marinade powder we use is really tasty and if I want to spend a bit of extra time I can pan sear it before baking to pack in even more flavor.  I usually don't.  Even better, if MJ throws all the meat on the grill.  For lunch I eat chicken with baby carrots because they are easily transportable and don't require cooking.  For dinner I eat it with broccoli.

The hardest thing is figuring out how much you need of everything to last the week.  I eat 5 lbs of chicken by myself and it takes at least 7 heads of broccoli to feed us both for a week.  We were short on chicken this week, so we are still figuring it out. 

A photo posted by Cece (@mahoganydrive) on Feb 21, 2016 at 8:32pm PST

We use Reditainer® - 2 Compartment Containers.I love having grab and go healthy meals all ready to go in the refrigerator during the week.  I don't have to worry about cooking.  We don't have to spend time thinking about what we will have for dinner, and we don't have to stop on the way home and pick something up.  It makes sticking to my specific meal plan really, really easy.  I am entitled to a cheat meal on the weekends so I have that to look forward to.  MJ enjoys cooking so he will want to cook something more exciting, at some point but during the weekdays our simple easy meal prep is perfect.

I'm not a cook, so if it's not easy, I'm not doing it and if I can do this meal prep anyone can.

 
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Confessions

I haven't done any confessions in a while....

I confess that we have a missing TV remote control that we've stopped looking for.  Luckily the remote from the extra room also works in the loft.  We have no dogs or kids to blame it on.  It's just gone.

I confess that I just bought a pair of tall black boots in the Fall and I'm probably going to end up getting rid of them.  I really, really hate wasting money, but they hurt and sometimes I even avoid wearing them. I am really careful when I buy shoes to make sure they don't hurt because I can't be bothered with uncomfortable shoes anymore.  There is something really weird about the shape of them that hurt my heels and the bottom of my feet and if insoles don't work they have got to go.

I confess that I cried during Katelyn and Tyler's wedding on Teen Mom OG.  I probably should have started this one out with just confessing that I watch a show called Teen Mom OG.  Ugh! But I'm addicted.  The wedding was gorgeous.  They are so cute together and I think it is amazing that they were high school sweethearts. got pregnant, gave that child up for adoption, had a second child and are still together.  Tyler's dad was out of prison. Their adopted out daughter and family were there,  three of the other Teen Mom girls were there, and it was all just so wonderful I couldn't help myself. Teen Mom 2 starts up soon.  I confess that I watch that one too.

I confess that I have no interest whatsoever in watching Fuller House.  I loved Full House, and I think it's so cool that they have reunited to revive the show.  From what I hear, I'm missing out, but I just don't want to watch it.  I'm really weird about committing to spend time on watching shows.  I watch Teen Mom, but won't want Fuller House....yeah.  Weird. 

I confess that I've been to Target twice and placed two online orders in the space of two weeks.  I'm a weird shopper.  I'm really indecisive, I agonize over deciding which size to get, and I always want the best deal.  So this is what happened.  I went to Target and purchased one item, and ordered two online that weren't in my size in store.  When the order arrived I realized that the striped version was sized differently than the solid versions.  I hate that!  I went to Target to return them and try on other cute things I saw online.  I wanted to try on for size, but then order online because there was a promo code for $15 off.  One skirt caught my eye that wasn't available on line so I purchased that in store and made a second online order for the rest.  Hopefully I will not need to return to Target for a while...but since they didn't have all the things in store for me to try on...I wouldn't bet on it. 

I confess that I am so tired I want to face plant into my keyboard and I've felt that way most of last week and every single day this week except for Tuesday.  I am very bad at sleeping.  Not that I don't try really hard to be good at it.  I'm usually in bed by 9 because I am so tired, but it either takes me a long time to fall asleep, I wake up before my alarm for no reason, or I can't get into that deep REM sleep that is necessary to feel rested the next day.  Sometimes it's a combination of all three, but I end up feeling like a zombie at work the next day.   So what was different about Monday nights sleep?  I wish I knew, but part of it could be that I had class until 9:55pm and it was a long day.  However, my level of exhaustion does not always make a difference.  Insomnia sucks.

I confess that I have been thinking about my cheat meal all week.  It's probably a sign that I haven't been getting enough carbs because I haven't craved a cheat meal like this in a long time.  I'm thinking a hamburger with fries will be just the thing.  It's going down tomorrow.

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The Thing About Motivation

If you had told me a year ago that I would be doing Bikini Body Guide again I would not believe it.  The workouts are a short and sweet 28 minutes, but the sweat I was drenched in after each work out was anything but.  By week eight I was exercising six times per week.  Three circuits and three days of either steady state or high intensity interval cardio.  I was so tired and so done and so determined that I would never ever do anything like it ever again.  I like the workouts.  I'll incorporate them into my routine, but never will I ever commit to twelve weeks of that kind of suffering again.  That's what I said, but almost a year to the month later and I'm doing it again.  This time it's Bikini Body Guide 2.0 (week 13-24) and the craziest thing is that I'm actually excited about it.  Ask me how I feel in two months though.

I finished Bikini Body Guide (1.0 week 1-12) in June just in time for Maui.  I knew that I had done everything I could have done (except start earlier), and I felt okay but I wasn't satisfied.  Mind you, there is a good chance that I will never be satisfied with my body.  That's just how I am, but I still have hope that some day I will at least feel comfortable in my skin, and I wasn't even close.  Not one to give up, I kept exercising. Not with the vigor and consistency of BBG, but I was still in the game until I wasn't.  It wasn't even the holidays that did me in.  It was frustration with lack of progress and those muffin tops I couldn't seem to get rid of.  I felt like the only person in the world who didn't lose weight on Whole30 or have a magical transformation after BBG.  It was just a lot of things, but ultimately I gave up because for the last two years I'd lost the ability to control my body I so treasured.  I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't, so why bother.  Then the time changed.  The weather got cold, the nights got darker, and I went into hibernation.  It was too dark to walk after work, it was too cold to get out of my pajamas.  My motivation had completely left the building.

I quit exercising altogether in December, but come January I was ready to get back on the wagon.  I signed up for an 8 week exercise challenge on Instagram with @Ashley_Cavitt to keep me accountable and get me motivated.  I had no idea what the workouts would be or what I'd be eating, but I needed to be told what to do.  I had an exercise schedule, macro recommendations, and bi-weekly check-ins.  The rest was up to me.  There were lots of gym days with lifting and cardio.  I had to google almost every exercise before workouts, but I did it.  I figured it out and I pushed myself in the gym and did cardio afterwards when all I wanted to do was get home.  The circuit training exercises, that could be done at home took me anywhere from 40-60 minutes long to finish.  They were longer and harder than the Bikini Body Guide and I didn't think that was even possible.  I did five days a week for eight weeks.  I didn't miss a single work out and there was exactly one cheat meal and a few cheat items.  It was so hard to do it day in and day out when I saw no progress and was hopeless that I would, but that was nothing new.  It hurt my heart to pay good money to get my hair did on a Wednesday and sweat it out on a Thursday, but it had to be done.  I was chronically sore for the first 4 weeks.  I meal prepped.  I hit my macros.  I pushed myself and FINALLY started to feel like I was making progress.  It was not free and I'm 99.9 % sure I didn't win the challenge, but it was time and money well spent.  

Ashley kept saying the body will respond over time.  It is all about consistency and the changes you see physically that don't necessarily show up on the scale.  I'd heard it all before.  Blah, blah, blah in one ear and out the other.  It's always been about the scale for me so I never believed it before and I still didn't until I finally saw and accepted it for myself.  My measurements and body fat went down.  I could see the difference in pictures.  I have gained so much strength that I'm actually worried that my BBG workout schedule won't be challenging enough.  I probably shouldn't say that when I'm only on week one!  In one circuit I whipped out three sets of twenty burpees like it was no big deal and I remember how hard ten was a year ago.  The sad thing is that I think I gave up too soon last year after BBG 1.0.  My measurements went down, then too.  I was shocked, because I was so upset that I had accomplished nothing.  I did a side by side with my progress pics.  I saw the difference but I was impatient and blinded by lack of progress on the scale.  I believed that because I didn't have the kind of drastic transformation in twelve weeks that I see all over Instagram I failed.  If the scale did not drop significantly, I failed.  If I couldn't fit back into my size 25 designer jeans I failed.  It was that black and white for me.  Had I not lost all hope, I would probably be much further along right now, but that's fine because this is the journey that I am on.  It isn't going to be easy for me and I have to learn the hard way.  I used to consider exceeding 800 calories a day failure, so it is going to take me a little while to get where I need to be not just physically, but emotionally as well.

Motivation is one of those things that can't be forced.  Well, it can be but it's really just you forcing yourself and not motivation in the truest sense of the word.  Sometimes we need to be forced, but it is so much better when the drive is already there.  When you are willing to do what it takes and ready to take on the challenge.  I already know there will be plenty of days over the next 12 weeks where I will want to give up, but for now I will ride this wave of motivation as far into the sunset as I can.

I posted my 8 week progress pics on Instagram @MahoganyDrive.  Don't ask me how it's any different, but I'm not not posting them here!

 
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Reality TV or Really Fake?

It makes no sense, but I want reality TV to be real.  I want to see real people doing real things and experiencing real emotions.  I still remember how betrayed I felt when I found out that so much of The Hills was staged and scripted.  If they are going to pass it off as real, I want it to be real but the thirst for drama and the competition for ratings has only gotten more intense over the years so I am having to learn to accept that half of it is fake.  Why do I watch these shows again?   

Season 1:  Monet & Vaughn, Jamie & Doug, Jason & Courtney

Is anyone else watching Married at First Sight?  Or is everyone still obsessed with The Bachelor?  I quit watching The Bachelor a long time ago.  The episodes were too long.  It was two hours weekly hours of what could have been condensed into one without all of the long pauses and elaborate rose ceremony back when I was watching it.  After the show became a hit and spun off into the Bachelorette in alternating seasons with the loser from the previous episode getting their own show it was just too obvious that everything was contrived.  The runner ups go on Dancing with the stars and all I could see is a circus for people who want a free vacation and the chance at reality TV fame.  I love drama, I really do, but I wanted to watch people fall in love and everything but was happening.  I wasn't that crazy about it to begin with.  I have fond memories of Trista and Ryan, but it wasn't too hard for me to quit.  

Then I heard about Married at First Sight.  This groundbreaking show in which people agreed to be matched up by experts, and have their first meeting at the alter right before they say their wedding vows.  Everything happens in their own city and they continue their regular lives as they are filmed for the show.  Crazy right?  I am already happily married so it's hard to say if I could bring myself to do such a thing.  I hate the idea of cameras documenting it, but...I think I might be open to it.  Some people walked out of the casting when they heard it would be a legal marriage.  Nobody knew a thing about the show yet and the ones who remained were truly interested in taking this bizarre chance to find their life partner.  Well, that was season 1 in NYC.  All the crazies came out for season 2 NYC, and it was a complete train wreck.   We are approaching the end of season 3 Atlanta, casting has already been announced for season 4 Miami and any hope for authenticity or true love is starting to look like a lost cause.

I love the idea of it.  Why not?  People meet on the internet, arranged marriages are very much a thing in some cultures, and if you have had struck out on finding a life partner on your own....well it is not entirely impossible that someone else might do a better job of it.  Married at first sight, the honeymoon, move in together and 6 weeks after "I do" the couples have to decide if they will stay married or get divorced.  On season one two out of the the three couples stayed together and are both entering their second year of marriage.  The third wife that got divorced is now part of a spin off show called Black Love.  On season two there were two out of three couples who decided to stay together, but six months later they were no longer together.  Jessica and Ryan D were  reduced to restraining orders.   Sean and Davina had geographical barriers and Davina was a raging narcissist in my opinion. All three seasons had a couple in which the wife didn't find the husband attractive.  In season one Jamie overcame this.  She and Doug are still married.  In season two Jaclyn overcame this and became attracted to Ryan, but he couldn't commit or overcome his attachment to living with his mom and niece.

Season 2 (Top): Jessica & Ryan, Sean & Davina, Jessica & Ryan // Season 3:  Sam & Neil, David & Ashley, Vanessa & Tres

Which brings us to Season 3 which is looking like only a little bit less of a train wreck than it did in the beginning.  Samantha is not initially attracted to Neil and was a plain old meanie at the beginning, but seems to be coming around.  She was so mean, rude and immature I can't believe Neil was so patient.  David continues to profess his affection and shed tears for Ashley who is probably friendlier to the cashier at the grocery store than she is to the stranger she agreed to marry.  She's so cold that even after David is accused of inviting another girl out for drinks I'm still in his corner.  Nobody made her do the show yet she acts like she is totally put out that now she has to try to like the guy.  She has a serious stick up her butt.  Maybe it's the camera's, but she is stone cold and so closed off that she probably is not a good fit for a show like this in the first place.  Tres and Vanessa had instant attraction, and that may or may not have something to do with them being the only couple out of the three to consummate their marriage.  Neil and Sam have progressed to hugs, but Ashley won't let David touch her hand.  Tres and Vanessa hit road blocks when Vanessa's daddy issues are triggered and she gets upset at him for things she is afraid he may do, but I have hope that they will last.   Only recently do I have hope for Neil and Samantha.  David and Ashley don't stand a chance.

These couples try to fit what usually happens in months and years into six weeks.  The learning to live together, the petty fights, the move towards trust, the falling in love.  People are people and marriage is tricky.  As a married person myself, I really find the expert advice, counseling sessions throughout the season and the way the couples navigate this process to be very interesting.  There is useful information in every season.

Married at First Sight seems a heck of a lot more thought out than The Bachelor Casting.  I'm sure they do a psychological evaluation as all reality TV shows probably do, but good looks and a potential story line is probably just as important if not more important as personality traits.  The experts of Married at First Sight stand by their process.  The questionnaires are thorough, every angle is considered, and they are truly matching people who they deem compatible, but any season after the first one is a bit spoiled for me because once a show "takes off" I really question the intentions of the participants.  I should probably do that anyway, but I'm one of those people who wants to believe everything is real.  Not only that, but the cameras themselves probably skew the entire process as well.  Do they just want to be on TV?  Do they just want to get paid?  I don't know if it's true or not, but I am hearing that they are paid to be on the show and that all of their living expenses are taken care of.  Are they thinking ahead to a possible spin off show like Jamie/Doug and Courtney/Jason did for staying together?  Everyone from season 1 is still on TV and Jamie has started her own jewelry line.  She is also a former Bachelor contestant.

Season one was legit.  All three couples really seemed to be in it for the right reasons and very committed to the process.   I give Jamie the side eye now and then because she seems so eager for fame, but on the other hand I think she really wanted to find love and why not capitalize on the exposure.  This show seems so much more realistic than The Bachelor.  I mean, they get legally married.  To a stranger.  I don't think anyone can take that too lightly.  I want it to be real, but in the end each episode is just a snippet of what actually happened.  There are cameras and ratings and the lines are so blurred that it is impossible to tell one way or the other.

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We Don't Want Kids

One weekend stands out in my head for the crystal clear lens through which it showed me how different we are from everyone else.  It started with my high school reunion.  At the first one you are an oddity one step away from cat lady status if you aren't married but at reunion number two you are a freak of nature if you don't have at least one or two kids at home.  I found myself saying we don't have kids, so we travel a lot.  Repeatedly.  They wanted answers and I didn't want to go into it so that was the easiest thing to say. "No kids?" a former classmate said in confusion.  "Wow. Your life is a fairy tale."  And I guess in a way it sort of is, when you consider how rare the childfree choice is. 

The next day was a pool party and it isn't a party in your thirties without at least one child present.  One baby made an appearance at my high school reunion and at the party all married couples present had kids except us.  The following day we attended our very first pony party.  Things like that happen when all of your friends have kids.  We were the only childfree couple which I would totally expect for a pony party considering the weight limit is 100 lbs, but at least we have the kind of friends where you can always expect adult beverages even when the guest of honor is four.  It was a busy weekend, and I was very tired by the end of it.  I came home and took a long hot uninterrupted shower while my husband retreated to his Xbox.  I had no obligations that needed immediate attention so I fell into an exhausted slumber while I imagined our friends hustling home with kids in tow to the non stop marathon that has become their life.  I'm pretty sure there was no nap or leisurely lounging about the couch in their future.  Every single thing we did that weekend, even the nap was reminder that we are the only ones our age without kids. Not on the planet, although it feels like that sometimes, but at least in our social circle and among those around us.

No kids in your thirties is a fairly unpaved and little trodden path it seems.  In your twenties and early thirties, there are rumblings of three kinds among childfree couples not actively trying to conceive.

A.  We definitely want kids but aren't ready yet.

B.  We aren't sure about kids.  Maybe someday. 

C.  We aren't interested in kids and don't want any.

We are in category C, not interested don't want any group, but it was automatically assumed that we would shift up to category B and then ultimately land on category A at some point.  I mean, everybody does because everybody wants kids right?  And even if you don't, you do it anyway because the maternal instincts are so powerful.  If they don't get you, then eventually you succumb to the pressure of the masses.  It's not uncommon for women in their twenties to still be in their so called "selfish" phase where they are not willing to hand over their life to a child, but as you mature and it becomes the norm among your peers it seems like the natural step.  Even if you were against it, you start to see it as something you want.  If everyone else has abandoned their fears, turned their body into an incubator/food source, totally upended their lives, given up sleep, and freedom to move about the world then made it sound like the best thing in the whole wide world it must be the thing to do.  Preferably, before it gets too late because after you have one, chances are you will spawn another even if you don't know it yet because that's what people do.

You are not alone in your twenties, but the thirties separate the ones who were serious about not having kids from the ones who simply weren't ready.  It's been well over a year since the last hold out in our group had their first and they are already speaking about seconds while the ones who took the plunge years before already have.   Unlike most people we haven't shifted up from category C.  Do you know that some people have told me that they didn't even know it was an option NOT to have kids?  They get this dumbfounded look on their face when I tell them.  "Yes, it's true.  You don't have to have kids.  You can if you want to, but you don't have to.”  Mind blown.  When we say we don't have kids we feel the pink elephant sitting in the corner with large round questioning eyes.  If we don't say it first, they inevitably ask because people are very bold about sticking their noses into the reproductive lives of others.  Also, it's just that much of an oddity to come across a stable married couple of our age who have not gotten around to procreation that even if they had the restraint to refrain from asking a newlywed couple in their twenties they are probably going to ask us. "Why not?"  

From our 2010 wedding

We happily jumped on the home ownership and wedding wagon but the baby train has yet to leave the station and it's kind of a strange place to be right now.  What started with weddings, turned into baby showers, and shifted into birthday parties.  The number of kids at get togethers has multiplied and the dynamic of outings has shifted to accommodate friends with kids.  It used to be that my husband's friends could plan a bike ride or a group dinner with one week notice but the call for social outings are fewer and far between and  group sports have fallen by the wayside.  The social reservoir available to parents juggling life and children seems to have officially run dry.  There is childcare to arrange, time and energy already stretched to the breaking point, and a serious case of chronic sleep deprivation going around.  I'm happy to still have the freedom they don't, but also can't help feeling left out even though it's something that I never wanted in the first place.

I'm not a woman who always wanted a child, but it is really bizarre how you can know one thing and yet your body tells you something entirely different.  The maternal instincts didn't start kicking until my thirties after my nephew was born and after all of my peers had already started doing it. There was a tug of war happening between what I know to be true and instincts beyond my control.  Maternal instincts and the babies of Instagram with their tiny moccasins and gummy grins are an inescapable duo.  Cunning.  Convincing.  Impossible to ignore.  My body ached with the want of it even though it is something I didn't want.  I don't want the physical, emotional and financial strain that goes along with bringing another person into this world and yet maternal instincts threatened to convince me of otherwise.  My mind is objective and calculated but my heart was driven by emotions beyond my control.  I wavered slightly, he did not.  The important thing is that we have always been on the same page regarding this matter, but it should be noted that had he not been so steadfast in his position things could have turned out differently. 

If I see one more bump date, have another baby poop conversation or hear one more person say "it's so worth it," I think I will scream.  Hold on a moment while I stifle that scream with my hands.  Don't worry, it's not you, it's me and it's the same phenomenon that occurs anytime you buck the trend.  I imagine that people who don't believe in home ownership or marriage understand.  Everyone else is on board but you haven't quite bought into the notion that it could make a wonderful difference in your life.  When they say how awesome it is you can't relate and grow tired of feeling the need to defend your choices. The entire world is talking about it, dreaming about it, hoping for it, doing it and you are not.  Having it in your face day in day out starts to feel like a tiresome barrage you can't escape.

I may be tired of hearing it, but I believe you when you say it's worth it.  Once you have a person in front of you that you created it's pretty crappy to say oops we changed our mind it's not working out and we don't like you very much.  There is no going back when it comes to parenthood.  Even parents who feel that way are hard pressed to verbalize such thoughts because this is a helpless little person that you have agreed to take care of for a very long time.  They may drive you crazy with their ability to do nothing but poop, eat, cry, yet control everything and spend all the money, but they need you and you love them fiercely if for no other reason than because they are yours.  As ambivalent as I am I'm quite sure I'd feel the same.  The difference is that I'm not willing to accept the end of life as I know it and the ensuing trials and tribulations in exchange for being the one saying those words.  I'm not a monster.  I am not immune to those adorable baby leg rolls, round tummies and tiny dimpled hands.  Babies are indeed precious.  I adore my nephew.  He is the sweetest thing ever.  His hugs and sweet smiles melt my heart.  I admit, I'm torn between wanting to send him home with mom and wanting him for myself but they don't stay little forever and behind every adorable baby is a mountain of struggles that I don't want to have.

The DINK life suits us well.  Dual income no kids, for those who don't know.  I really enjoy the time that we have to ourselves, the vacations we get to take and a life I don't have to try to split between work, finances, self, spouse and child which seems to be an impossible tug of war that nobody wins. It's startlingly sad how little time working parents get to spend with their children and I barely have enough time and energy for myself let alone a kid who wakes up at the crack of dawn and needs to be entertained all day long.  We get to come and go as we please and our life is our own.  Pregnancy and childbirth sound awful. I'm glad I'll never have to do it. And then there is the money.  Money doesn't buy happiness but you are lying to yourself if you say it can't help.  People with less income have multiple children and I don't believe I can afford one.  They say you never believe you have enough and that you figure it out but I am the stubborn sort.  I don't want to just figure it out.  If I can't do it the way I want to then I don't want to do it all.

I realize that there are things we might miss out on.  I say might because nothing is a given when you have a child.  It is 100% fueled by hope, and just doing your best.  I won't ever know what our child might have looked like, what they would have done with their life or what joys they might have brought to ours.  I won't ever know what it's like for someone to call me mom or experience that parent child bond.  We are a family of two.  We won't have anyone to take care of us when we are old, because you know, having children definitely guarantees that.  

The childfree choice can be a lonely path.  The gap widens between yourself and everyone else. Children present their own set of challenges to relationships but so does not having them.    Our first few years together were a whirlwind with the house hunting, the wedding and everything that goes into early stages of building a life together.  Then it all stopped, and it hit me that this is it.  It is just us and this is how it will be for the foreseeable future. Without bath time, story time and car pools there are no distractions and no kids to shake things up.  Our relationship is what we make it just the two of us, for better or for worse now and ten years from now.  We have to be okay with that.  Part of me wishes I wanted kids just so I can be like everyone else, but I can't do it because everybody else is doing it.  I can't do it because babies are so cute and I certainly can't do it out of fear of future regret that may or may not ever occur.  Some call it selfish.  Some call it lazy.  Others just call it weird.  I call it making a rational, informed, practical decision that is right for us.  We decided the cons outweighed the pros.  We decided we are enough for each other.   

We don't want kids, so we aren't having any.

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