That Model Chick

It’s been about 3 months since I told my OC agency to put me on indefinite hold status and way longer since I last did any work.  It stirred up of this odd mixture of desire, sadness and stress every time they'd call and ask if I could go to a casting and I'd have to say no. I could tell they were irritated but it was simply too difficult to make myself available. I’d have to get out of work for the casting which is typically 1-2 hours away and then if by some miracle I somehow managed to book the job then I’d have to figure out how to get out of work again. Logistically, it was next to impossible to juggle it so getting those calls and saying no every time was just a source of stress. Although I was a little sad at the same time it’s been a relief to put an end to the phone calls. The nail was already sitting in the coffin of my acting and modeling but this basically drove it in with a resounding thud. I still have a local agent but there isn't much work to be had down here.  I am OK with it though because it's time to move on.   I prefer to GO for it or not go at all and with a full time job I had to shift my priorities.

When I look through my modeling portfolio it’s almost like a different girl staring back at me. She had long hair streaked with brownish red and stars in her eyes.

From my first portfolio shoot

She loved the fun and the challenge of acting classes. As reserved as she was in her real life she thrived on memorizing lines and getting in front of the camera to perform or pose.  She got paid work doing random industrial video's. She really enjoyed the fun of hanging out on sets for hours getting to know new people all the time and checking out the craft services junk food table that was a fixture on every set. 

She had three agents and spent many a days running off to auditions where she saw the same familiar faces all doing the same thing.  She'd spend 5 hours on the road there and back in traffic for print castings where all the girls there look like her and someone snaps a pic with a digital camera in 2 minutes.  She went to LA for commercial and film auditions too.  She walked in fashion shows. That girl was not afraid of walking into a room full of people to be stared at and judged or to strip down to a bikini for a fashion show or photo shoot.

Fashion show

Beyonce Concert Promo 2007

Submitting for work and checking her inbox for responses was a daily part of her routine. She was brave enough to finally quit her much hated 9-5 job of 8 years and work part time for a while. She did all kinds of promo model work too. They were sometimes fun, and sometimes long and exhausting but the money was good and it helped her keep the bills paid.

Promo Job

She was passionate about what she was doing and kept hustling in the face of rejection. She didn’t let her age or height stop her from giving it a shot which is really all she ever really wanted. The awkward nerdy girl she once was was gone and in her place was a woman confident enough to put herself out there and try something she never in a million years though she could ever do.

I will always associate that time in my life with the joy and freedom of getting to work just 24 hours a week. For 1 1/2 years my schedule was flexible and I felt like my own boss.  Getting to LIVE and enjoy life again without being chained to a desk for 40 hours a week was liberating. It was ultimately what allowed me the opportunity to be available for auditions and shoots. I was recently divorced, I was on my own and It was scary to leave the security of full time work but it felt so good that I was finally putting my myself and my dreams first. 

It was so much fun to be a part of that world in even the small way that I was. Rejection was never fun but there are a lot of great moments that stand out.  I was so happy when I finally booked my first job and got my very first paycheck from my agency for a Babies R Us catalog. I couldn't believe that I was actually getting paid to have someone take my picture. I didn't believe it for a long time but it meant that I was actually a real model and it was pretty cool to be able to say that.

1st agency booked gig.  Babies R Us Catalog.

I got booked as an "Under 5" for a short lived soap opera that was broadcast around the world and got to actually see myself on network TV. Under 5 is basically a nice way of saying you have no lines but I was happy just to be involved and got paid more for 2 days then I probably ever will again in my life for the same amount of work!

I LOVED photo shoots. Believe it or not modeling is hard work. Sometimes the shoots are physically demanding. I've been freezing my butt off, forced to hold awkward positions that hurt, ride a bike, or go up and down stairs for hours among other things. Outdoor shoots could be particularly draining.  Either too hot, too cold or dirty but you always have to make it look effortless and natural.  No matter what it was, I just loved being in front of the camera and felt lucky to be able to do it at all.

I was a Commercial model. Not being 5'8" or taller and over the hill in my late 20's I couldn't really expect to be a high fashion model or travel to exotic locations for shoots. You couldn’t find me in fashion magazines or billboards but it was still pretty exciting that my face was on a book cover in Wal-Mart’s and other book stores across the U.S. When I went to the store to buy it myself it was bizarre and so awesome.

Book Cover

It was fun how friends and family got such a kick out of it when they randomly saw me in an add. I was spotted in a Hilton add at a Florida airport and of all places in a little bit piece in The National Enquirer.

Hilton Add

Me in the National Enquirer

Black Singles Add

I was even spotted canoodling with my "boyfriend" on an internet dating website.

I remember how excited I was when I FINALLY managed to get an L.A. Agent. I got to do commercial and print auditions for Old Navy, Target and other such big name brands. Had I been able to keep going who knows, maybe I eventually would have booked a really big one!  Among the catalog shoots I got to do one of my absolute favorites was for a cheerleading company. As a former cheerleader I had a ball playing dress up in these adorable uniforms all day. I did the shoot alongside a bunch of teenagers and thought it was hilarious that no one even knew that I was so much older then the other girls.

Broadway Cheerleading Catalog

Best of all is that I will always have that beautiful moment when I found out that I was a top five finalist in the Joe’s Next Model Contest. It is a feeling I will never ever forget as long as I live and I will always have the fondest memories of that entire experience.  It was just a contest but for me it was my last chance to do anything like that.  What a thrill it was to find out after each cut that I was still in the running.  It was a dream come true to make it so far out of so many people.  It was a HUGE deal for me and I had such an amazing time in LA.  They treated us so well and I got all of that great Joe's Jeans merchandise.  It is so fitting that it was to be my last photo shoot.

Joe's Next Model Shoot

I must say it was fun while it lasted.  I may not have made it to the pot at the proverbial end of the rainbow but most important is the wonderful experience that I had reaching for it.

Babies

The movie Babies will be released in theatres on Mother's Day.  It is a documentary that follows 4 babies from different parts of the world doing what babies do.  Ponijao from Namibia is my favorite.

Creating a human being has got to be an amazing experience.  I mean, to carry a life inside of you that turns into this person that shares the genetic make up of you and your significant other.  This person that relies on you completely and  for which you are solely responsible for.  What an amazing bond a parent must feel for their child as they nurture them and watch them grow into adulthood.  I love the idea of seeing Mj with OUR child and wonder...what would he or she look like?  Having a child really makes you a family.   I don't know if Mj and I are going to have kids or not.  I have been on the fence about babies pretty much my whole life.  I always felt that I could go either way and would most likely lean towards my partner's preference.  Well, as of now my partner is saying NO WAY so unless that changes within the next 3 years or so my mom won't be getting any grand kids from us.  On the one hand I don't want to miss out on something so huge and on the other hand I kind of like my life the way it is.  Parents love to talk about their kids and despite the pain and discomfort of child birth women keep on doing it.  They say it's all worth it.  There has to be something to this whole having kids thing...I just don't yet know if it's for us.

Even though I am not sure how I feel about the day to day responsibility and expense of having a child of my own I can't help but notice just how precious and adorable little ones are.  When I was in the jacuzzi on Sunday there was this adorable little girl still in diapers wearing a yellow and white stripped bathing suit.  I could not stop smiling at her and just wanted to hold her and pinch her round cheeks.  In that moment I felt like I wanted a little person of my own.  And the minute I saw this "Babies" movie trailer I could not stop oohing and aahing over it.  The opening scene is the best. 

Warning:  If you have any untimely baby cravings do not watch this trailer.  It's gonna make you want one NOW and you might find yourself knocked up with child sooner then you planned!!

Mj's B Day In Long Beach

Saturday evening we walked around the harbor a bit looking for a restaurant where we wanted to eat.  He decided on a little soul food restaurant where the food was actually pretty disappointing but we got to sit and watch the Mosely/Mayweather fight, listen to a few jazz numbers and get our drink on.  He wanted dessert so we went to Rock Bottom next where we each did a tequila shot in honor of his B Day.  He got a giant carrot cake (and could only eat half) and I got a mini peanut butter mousse dessert which was just the right size.

It was a quick smooch and a groggy "Happy Birthday Baby" Sunday morning and Mj was off to work again out the door before 8am.  I felt so guilty for enjoying myself SO much while he had to work and it was HIS birthday.  At first I wasn't sure if I would be able to do another walk because my legs were so sore from the day before but it was so pretty out.  My legs felt better in the morning and it didn't make sense not to enjoy the weather and get some exercise.  Initially I planned on NOT going doing the whole 6 miles again but once I got started I wanted to go the distance and finish thought about the Mac & Cheese with French Fries I had for dinner last night and figured I'd better go ahead and handle that.  The hotel allowed a late check out so I had plenty of time to finish the walk and get into the jacuzzi before checking out.  I was only homeless roomless for a couple hours and I spent part of that time at Borders.  Oh why can't this be my life?  Why must I have to have pesky little job waiting for me on Monday? Oh yeah.  Our brand new house...our wedding.  Bills.  Sigh.
                                

He picked me up from the hotel after work and we headed home.  We stopped by our new house on the way back.  It was locked but we peeked through the windows like robbers casing the joint and could see that the carpet, the kitchen sink, and our window blinds were in. It's looking so good!!

First thing I did when we walked in the door is give him his B Day present.  Hmmm.....I think he liked it!!!  He is soooo CUTE and oh how I LOVE making that man happy!

He just started laughing as soon as he saw this box.  He left his toothbrush on an airplane on his way home from Kosovo last year.  Not just any toothbrush.  A $150 Philips Sonicare toothbrush.  So, I bought him another one.  He bought one for both of us last year and it felt a little unfair having one when he didn't considering the only reason I had one at all was because of him.  We both LOVE it.  Once you go Sonicare it's really hard to go back to regular manual tooth brushing and I know he's been missing it.  I want him to keep up his pearly whites too.  I also got him a spa gift certificate so he can get a nice relaxing massage.

I had a wonderful little mini vaca and despite having to work all weekend I hope that Mj enjoyed his Birthday. The only thing that would've made it all sweeter was getting to spend more time with him.   I might have to tag along to drill more often!  It's got me longing for our honeymoon when we will have a nice LONG faraway vacation TOGETHER.  Can't wait.

His Drill Is My Mini Vaca

Mj's B-day is on Sunday and the poor guy has drill all weekend so we decided it would be nice for me to tag along.  He did book a room at the Renaissance Hotel after all and it would be a shame to let all of those amenities go to waste seeing as how he won't really be able to take advantage of them.

Friday night we drove up and checked into the hotel.  It's on Pine Street right across from the Long Beach Convention Center and in the middle of everything.  We met a few of his Army friends at Cafe Sevilla which was within walking distance.  They were doing a lot of shop talk but it was cool to finally meet these people that he was deployed with for all of last year.

Saturday morning I woke up to a spectacular harbor side view outside my hotel room and by 10:15 am hit the road for my walk along the marina.

The view was nothing short of spectacular.  I read on the Internet that if you walk to the pier and back it would be a total of 6 MILES so that's what I did.  The sun was reflecting off of of the water brilliantly.  As I walked along the pedestrian path I was struck by just how beautiful my surroundings were.  It was a bright sunny day but the air was crisp and cool, just the way I like it for walking.  I don't have to feel like the sun is beating me down or get all super hot and sweaty.

This pier I was supposedly walking towards was not visible as far as the eye could see but I kept my pace up and eventually I could see it lurking there in the distance.

On the way back I was rewarded with yet another spectacular view of the city skyline.  My pace slowed considerably and my legs were fatigued but I was still enjoying the walk.

All together it took me about two hours to get from the hotel to the pier and back again.  I changed into my bikini and headed straight for the jacuzzi which felt great.

There are a bunch of weddings going here.  I saw a few different bridal parties all dressed up which got me all excited thinking about my own coming up so soon!  Now I am sitting in Borders using their free Wi Fi, drinking a Vanilla Latte, and eating a whole wheat pretzel.  Normally I don't want to spend any money on snacks because it's always overpriced but for some reason I just didn't care and I liked that.  It just goes to show you don't really have to go too far to feel like you are on vacation.

Mj should be off pretty soon and we plan to go to dinner or a bar later to celebrate his Birthday.  There is so much to do down here we won't have any problem finding some place fun.

RSVP Angst

I have to admit I am feeling pretty outdone by this whole RSVP process right now. It was so delightful when the first batch started rolling in.  It made it real that we were actually having a wedding.  We had guests!!  But now it's become a source of angst.  A couple weeks ago I came home and saw that someone RSVP’d for 4 when I sent the invitation out clearly indicating two names. They decided they wanted to bring their 12 year old daughter and someone else. I don’t even know who that someone else is because they didn’t write in the name to inform me who was coming to my party.   I’m not sure why someone would assume they can bring whoever they want.  

Any party cost money and people invite not only who they want to be there but also who they can afford to be there. Not to mention space limitations.  Imagine if everyone just brought even one more person to a Bar B Q without telling the host? Then imagine it’s a wedding where the cost per person is counted and a lot higher then any other party you will ever throw in your life.

I don’t see anyone offering to pay for additional guests. Even if they did the answer would be no.  If your name was written on the invitation come and if not don’t come.  If you feel you must bring an additional guest please ask.  End of story.   Some have weddings where they invite everyone to the ceremony and then exclude a bunch for the Reception. The ceremony is really what its all about but the reception is where the money is. I'd feel totally uncomfortable doing this because it just seems so exclusive and those not invited must feel a bit like a B list D list celebrity who couldn’t get into the VIP party. Way harsh.  I couldn’t do it but I understand the concept and those that do. The bottom line is that weddings are not cheap and sometimes you have to make those kinds of tough decisions.

Since it is her friend I am enlisting mom to inform the 2 invited/4 RSVP group that there is only room at the Inn for 2. When I got an RSVP from my cousin, husband, and little girl I was like uh, oh.  This is gonna be awkward.  Mj and I for the most part invited friends/family + their significant other if they had one but decided on no children. This is partly for budget reasons. When you count up all the potential kids it adds up and we didn’t want to open the flood gates on that. Our reception is preceded by a cocktail hour. To me that means screams adult party and chances are that a child won’t appreciate or enjoy it so it doesn't make sense to pay to have them attend.  Even if we could afford it.  The ceremony starts at 4:00pm, dinner doesn’t start until 6 ish and people aren’t likely going to hit the dance floor until around 8:00pm. It takes about 4 hours just to make it through ceremony, dinner and cake.  It’s a long time for a kid and it’s a party. With alcohol. There will probably be drunken people there at some point. I just don’t see why anyone would plan on bringing a child but then again I don’t have children myself so perhaps I just don’t understand. Anyhow, very politely I sent her a message that we had decided no children would be at the reception and she promptly responded that her and her husband would only be able to attend the ceremony then. I love my cousin. She is the sweetest and most wonderful girl and I want her to be there. I am not here to be mean and create hard feelings among family so I took the higher road and told her that if she didn’t feel comfortable leaving her daughter with someone then it would be OK to bring her and meant it.

Looking down to next year and years to come she is always going to be my cousin and this is just one day. It’s just not worth it to me to take a hard line like that and risk hurt feelings. When it comes down to it it’s really not going to matter that much. Even so I am annoyed because it IS just one day. My day and it kind of bums me out that I can’t make a decision and have that be respected by others. I don’t enjoy being in this position one bit. It bothers me that I have to play guest police and that I feel like the bad guy here when in reality I am just trying to have the kind of atmosphere that I want and keep it in the price range that I need.

It's probably not over yet.  As it gets closer I will inevitably have to track people down to get them to reply at all or be irritated by those rude enough to say they will come and then not show up or not RSVP and be right there as if they did. Sigh. Whatever. That’s really all I can say for right now. I can’t let it get to me. This is supposed to be fun and it’s about family and good things so I won't let these petty little issues get me down for too long.

Meet Me At El Torito

I am always so flattered when Mj wants to hang out with me. I just think it's so sweet that he wants me around.  I know that husbands, fiances, and boyfriends are supposed to want to hang out with their significant other. It should come naturally. I know this but from what I have observed and from past experience I know that isn't always the case.

I've heard about men who can't seem to wait to get away from their significant other. I even experienced it first hand in my prior relationship. Well, if you could call it that. I was mostly uninvited to get togethers with his friends or co workers. He didn't plan outings for us and in general the most time I spent with him was down the street from my house at a nearby restaurant and at my house. He didn't really invite me out too much and I suppose being married was part of the problem. I should've known better, but considering it was only my 2nd relationship experience lets just say I was a little naive stupid. I was technically the other woman but just too blind to see it. Due to the whole having a secret wife that everyone knew about except me thing, he had other priorities and I was not one of them. I spent way too long in that relationship situation. The years prior to that were spent in an all wrong dysfunctional and slowly deteriorating relationship sinking ship that finally met its inevitable demise after 10 years. We did spend time together but towards the end it was more obligatory then anything else. On both sides. I do feel lucky that I didn't have to kiss too many frogs to get to my prince. They say 3rd time's a charm and in this case it certainly was.

Meeting Mj was a breath of fresh air. Everything just came so naturally. He wanted to spend time with me. He wanted me to come over. He wanted to plan things for us to do together. And he still does. He makes me feel special and wanted. He wants to meet up for lunch dates during the work week and have date nights on weekends.  Frankly, I had just sort of forgotten what that felt like as I had learned to expect nothing from my partner. If Mj didn't want to spend time with me then there would definitely be something wrong with the relationship.  It really should be a given but it's something I don't take for granted. I know what it's like to be treated like a leftover. It's just another reason why I love him so much. It's almost odd to even mention Mj and my other two situations in the same breath considering that I am in such a new place in my life and with such a wonderful man that I rarely reflect on those old days anymore. Considering that Mj is in such a league of his own in terms of being my Mr Right that anything and anyone else totally pales to smithereens in comparison.

Mj e mailed me to ask if I wanted to meet him at a restaurant after work for a happy hour with his co workers for some professional organization he's joined .  My contacts are bugging me, I'm having a bad hair day and the last thing I need is to consume devour the inevitable tortilla chips, quesadilla and beer that I know I'm going to want as soon as I walk in the joint. But, I am going to go because I love spending time with him just as much as he does with me. I love it that he wants me to hang out and have me meet his co workers. And more then anything else, I'm going because it means so much to me just that he wants me to.