Be The Match

July is African American Bone Marrow Awareness Month and it made me think about what led me to the bone marrow registry in the first place.  Just after college an old high school friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer.  I hadn't spoken to him in a long time but I think being struck with a potentially deadly illness propelled him to reach out. We were friends, but like many do after high school we had lost touch.  I remember visiting him in the hospital.  He'd had surgery and was so drugged up and in so much pain he couldn't say more than a couple words to me.  Fortunately, I'd never had much cause to visit a hospital but I didn't think it would affect me the way it did.  That "hospital smell," the shiny white washed floors and the presence of suffering and illness made me weak in the knees.  For a moment I actually thought I might pass out as I stood there and did what I could to be of comfort to him.  He battled this illness for well over a year and even towards the end when I could visibly see the cancer snaking its way up his neck he was always hopeful that he could beat it.  At some point in his illness he required a bone marrow transplant and my family got tested to see if any of us were a match. Nobody wants their life disrupted by surgery and having never even had an overnight stay in the hospital even as I was giving blood I was scared of what might happen if I matched.  But my fears were not important.  My friend is someone's son.  He is an older brother.  That is what was important. His life matters and seeing him in need and fighting for his life meant that I needed to do what I could to help even if it required anesthesia and a needle.  No one in his family was a match and neither were any of us.  Nobody was.  Though he put up a valiant fight he succumbed to his illness.  I will never ever forget him.  He was so young and had so much left to do in this world.  I am saddened to think about all that he and his family have missed out on.

Would I feel the same way if it was a stranger?  I may not have that physical connection that comes with knowing the person in need but the circumstances are the same.  The bone marrow donor must be a close match.  When even family members may not be suitable donors it makes you realize that it’s really like searching for a needle in a haystack.   If I am that one match that someone needs I'd have no choice but to help.  When we got tested, our information was sent to the National Marrow Donor Program^® Registry, as it was called then (now Be The Match Registry^®).  That meant that technically, I could get a call at any time regarding donation for someone in need.  According to Be The Match Registry "On average, one in every 540 members of Be The Match Registry in the United states will go on to donate marrow to a patient."  There are two ways to donate.  One way is to extract bone marrow through a needle in the back of the donor’s pelvis.  This is always done under anesthesia. The other more common method is called Peripheral Blood Stem Cells (PBSC).   For five days the donor receives daily injections of a drug called filgrastim to increase the number of blood forming cells in their bloodstream prior to donation.  Then, a needle is used to remove the blood and separate out the blood-forming cells.  It is very similar to giving blood.  You can read more information about the steps of donation here.  Could I  do it?  Would I have the courage to undergo that procedure for someone that I've never met? The answer is yes. Getting that call means there is someone that might die without my help.  I am living my life just fine; why not give someone else the same chance to do that too?  The amount of discomfort and fear that I might go through is minimal in comparison to what a person facing a serious illness and possible death is dealing with.  I also think about if the roles were reversed.  I would want someone to step up and be willing to do the same for me.

It's especially important for ethnic minorities to be on the registry as a volunteer donor.  Race is a factor in determining if a donor is suitable or not.  Patients are more likely to be a match to someone of their own race and ethnicity. Many African Americans and others of diverse backgrounds have trouble finding a match, so racially and ethnically diverse donors are urgently needed.  The pool of diverse potential donors needs to go up in order to increase the chance that patients will find the life-saving match they so desperately need.  

I am just a regular woman who goes to work in an office every day.  I am not in the military, a doctor, or a firefighter but I could still save a life and that is huge in my book.  I’ve seen what a bone marrow transplant can do.  Over 10 years ago my younger sister had a close childhood friend that was diagnosed with Leukemia.  Not too long ago I stumbled upon her Facebook page which led me to her blog.  That sick little girl I saw in a hospital bed is now a beautiful young woman who has gone to college and has a real talent for photography.  The average time it takes for the bone marrow donor to resume normal activities is 1 to 7 days and in return she and her family have the chance to experience a lifetime of memories.  While the idea of donating scares me, if I can make that possible for someone else and give them that second chance I will.

You can get more information at BeTheMatch.org.

1 Year Wedding Anniversary

Husband and wife

Enjoying the festivities

July 10th, 2010 was one of the happiest days of my life. We booked the date about seven months out and from that moment on everything leading up to and including our wedding day was a whirlwind of fun, excitement and adventure.  We'd fallen in love and eight months after meeting we had to spend eleven months apart while he was out of the country.  He came back and we immediately threw ourselves into house hunting and wedding planning.   Sure, there were stressful times and I had more then a few mini nervous breakdowns along the way but it was all worth it and I loved having this big special day to look forward to.  The only thing I loved more then the planning process was the day itself.  Our reward for all that we had gone through was this magical fun day where we had a blast and got to celebrate our love with family and friends.  Yes, it just so happens to have cost more then any one day ever will but you can't really put a price tag on the joy we got out of it.  I felt more beautiful then I've ever felt in my life.  I was the star of my own fairy tale.  I was a princess being escorted to the ball that would forever change my life by my handsome prince all the while surrounded by people who love us.  There will never ever be another day like that one special day.  The groom forgot his tux, there were a few uninvited guests, our cake was the wrong color and it went by way too fast but I will always remember it as a perfect day that I enjoyed from the moment I woke up until I went to bed that night.  I danced, I ate and drank, I mingled and totally lost myself in the wonder of the day.  I feel so lucky and fortunate that I got to experience that.

It's no surprise that I felt a tremendous sense of loss when it was over.  I gained a handsome wonderful man that I could now call my husband but I lost the whole wedding planning spectacle I had so enjoyed.  We were properly installed in our house and my wedding was now behind me so I didn't know what to do with myself.  I relived that day over and over in blog recap after blog recap, photo sharing, conversations and in my mind.  I just wanted to do it all over again!  Funny as it sounds I really mourned the passing of my wedding day.  I became envious of brides who were still in the planning phase and it actually took a good few months...or four but I finally got over it and moved on.  I've since settled happily into married life, look fondly back at our gorgeous wedding pictures and still well up with happy tears when I hear our recessional song.  It was truly a day that I will never, ever, EVER forget and will live on for all eternity as one of the best and happiest days of my life.

There was plenty of kissing that night!!

Sheer Joy

We had a nice fancy dinner out Saturday night where I got buzzed on wine and we both left with very full satisfied stomachs.  Sunday, on the afternoon of our 1 year wedding anniversary he took off for Australia.  I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  He showered, did his last minute packing and ate all the while my eyes followed him wherever he went.  I'm often guilty of staring at him like some deranged stalker but it's just 'cause I think he's the cutest thing ever and I'm his wife.  It's my right!  He's come and gone many times already this year but this is the 3rd (and last) long trip.  The first time I said, "OK see ya later" but this time around I cried.  I probably won't even be able to talk to him while he's gone.  It's just not the same when he's not here.  Time apart has only strengthened us in the past and reunions are the best so there is always that to look forward to.  In the meantime, I'll just get on with my day to day routine, get out and do something fun with friends to pass the time.  Then when he gets back we can continue on our merry way to celebrating our next anniversary.

Wedding Day Recaps & Pics
Wedding Sticker Shock
Why have a wedding at all?
Wedding advice from a budget bride
Our Honeymoon

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding



A bride with her bridesmaids on her wedding day
[Photo Source:  TLC]

I've been watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding on TLC.  At first I wasn't interested in watching it at all because I'm kind over wedding reality shows but this one is different.  I caught one episode and I was intrigued.  The show is about the traditions and lifestyle of Roma Gypsies and Irish Travellers in the UK.  It's not just about the wedding day it's about a lifestyle very different then anything I've ever seen.  Weddings are a huge part of that lifestyle so it actually makes sense that a show about this community would center around that.  Little girls dream about their wedding day practically from birth.  That's not totally unusual to me but the type of wedding that they dream about and the implications of that wedding on their life is.

The lifestyle

• They marry young.  Usually around 16 and by the time you are 19 you are considered an old bride. 
• Travellers usually only marry Travellers and then once they get married they move from their parents house into a tiny caravan together in a communal living land site.  They usually prefer caravans to houses and ideally, one without a toilet because it's considered disgusting to use a toilet inside a caravan.  They use sheds outside instead.
• A lot of them do travel around but some of them stay put in their caravans especially if there are younger children going to school.
• The men go to work and the women stay home.  Men typically do odd job and manual labor type work.  In fact, women usually drop out of school by the age of 16 to help take care of younger siblings and help mom with household duties.  They aren't planning to have a career so why bother?  Their responsibility in life is to tend to their husband, the home and to have children.
• Women aren't allowed to go anywhere without their husband once they are married and before that not without siblings or someone else to accompany them.  Boys can pretty much come and go whenever they choose and never have any responsibilities around the house.
• Brides absolutely DO NOT live with their fiance or have sex with their fiance for that matter prior to being married. 
• Young girls wear tons of make up.  They run around in tight, bright, sparkly, revealing clothing at parties and weddings with the intention of attracting a husband.  Their going out attire looks like stripper costumes.  This seems to be in great contrast to their devout catholic religion and strict upbringing. 
• It's a male dominated culture.  Women basically belong to their parents until they get married and then they belong to their husband.
• This community is often discriminated against and marginalized because of their lifestyle.

A Traveller bride with her massive cake at her wedding
[Photo Source:  TLC]

The Wedding

• Their weddings are really over the top.  The decor often includes things like balloons, butterfly's, hearts, and all kinds of other whimsical fairy tale sparkly things.  And lots of it.
• There are no invitations.  The news of a wedding is spread by word of mouth.  Anyone who wants to come shows up and weddings are often used as a place young men to look for a wife.
• The wedding location and even the date is a closely guarded secret.  Sometimes even the cake and dress vendor will not know the location up to the very last minute.  Guests find out about the wedding location at the ceremony which is always held in a catholic church.  Gypsies have a rowdy reputation so they have to keep their Gypsy identity secret .  It's typical for brides to be cancelled upon or refused multiple times by venues before securing a location and date.
• The bride's mode of transportation on the wedding day ranges anywhere from a horse drawn carriage a la Cinderella to a hot pink hummer. 
• The dresses are BIG and considered the most important part of the wedding.  As they walk they have to kick the skirt ahead of them in order not to trip and they barely fit inside doorways and into cars. The bride usually designs her own dress then has it custom made.  No store sells the type of dress that these girls want.  They can weigh twice the bride and are so heavy that they often end up with scars on their hips from wearing them all day.  Think Cinderella on steroids and that is your gypsy bride wedding dress.  Their accessories often include elbow length gloves, massive tiaras, large quantities of make up and heavy spray tans.
• The bridesmaids dresses are almost as big and twice as bright.  The bride is responsible for getting them custom made along with her own dress.  Color combination such as hot pink and neon yellow are not uncommon.  The bride's little sisters are dressed as the "mini bride" and wears and exact replica of the bride's dress.
• The only thing bigger then the dresses is the cake.  There will often be one very large cake and then a bunch of other surrounding smaller cakes.  They are usually done up in fairly tale themes in the shape of a castle or carriage and adorned by barbie dolls.
• Cost is never discussed by the gypsies or their vendors but I can only imagine.

I could not live that kind of a life dedicated to finding a man, getting married and then keeping house as a second class citizen.  Sounds awfully limiting and sad.  Aside from that those caravans are tiny!  It's like camping out 24/7.  As for the weddings I'm wondering things like how can they give numbers to the hotel if there are no invitations and RSVP's?  How on earth can they afford such elaborate weddings and what happens if you can't?  On the show they say you haven't really been to a wedding until you've been to a Traveller wedding and I believe it.

Fun Fourth

The fair is a big deal for me.  It's a tradition in our family.  One I really enjoyed sharing with Mj when we went together for the first time 3 years ago.  I've been going every year for as long as I can remember and don't ever miss it.  Ever.  We were going to go on Sunday but due to budget cuts I decided that we should skip the fair this year.  He insisted we could still go (at least one of us isn't in the poor house) but I'm stubborn and broke so I said no.  Having a rental property is ruining my life! 

By the time Mj got back from biking that morning I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself.  If I couldn't go to the fair then all I wanted to do is lay in bed all day.  And that's that.  Mj had to work a little bit harder then usual to pep me up but he got the job done.  No one can cheer me up like he can.  He's only home for a week before he jets off to Brisbane, Australia.  Yes, I'm very jealous.  There is no point in wasting our precious time together being a Debbie Downer when we could be having fun instead so I got up and got it together and we went to see Transformers, Dark of the Moon in 3D and IMAX.  We bought our snacks at the gas station, used our free popcorn coupon once we got there and settled down in a very crowded theater to enjoy the movie.  The story line was confusing at times but really good...and long.  The glasses are totally unflattering and felt funny sitting on my nose but 3D is super cool.  The images are so clear and really in your face.  It makes movie going a whole new experience seeing  everything come to life life so realistically.  I could definitely get used to that.

My sexy grill master doing his thing

Our spread

Me & my mini burger.
Minutes after this was taken it actually started sprinkling a little

For the 4th we did our own little BBQ at home.  Just the two of us.   I don't think we've ever done that before.  After watching a movie we Mj made sliders, roasted potatoes, and baked beans.  We ate it outside along with some wine.  Then we lounged around some more before going over to his co workers house for dessert, drinks and fireworks.  About 10 seconds after I shut my door we realized that Mj had dropped his keys...inside the car.  After the tow truck came to get them out, I continued chugging the best Moscato I've ever had in my life, ate a bunch of brownies and enjoyed a pretty good view of the fireworks from their house.  We didn't leave until about 10:15pm and that probably explains why I'm sitting here at work barely able to keep my eyes open.  Ugg...how will I ever make it to the gym?  I had a great long weekend but it was way too short as always.  It's so wonderful to have Mj home again.  My problems just don't feel as big when he's around and that's just ONE of the many reasons I love him so much. 

In case anybody is wondering, that bug I trapped under a cup because I was too chicken to kill it while Mj was gone was still alive and well a week later.  Mj lifted the cup and scooped the bug up with a tissue while I ran for the closet because I already knew he was going go try to freak me out by coming after me with it.  The icky bug is gone!  Mj really is my hero in more ways then one.

Weight of the World

When I was a kid my best friend and I were gymnasts.  Her mom was a stay at home mom to three and most of the other parents had to work so she always ended up being the carpool go to person.  She picked us up, and dropped us off at daily practice and hosted many a slumber parties and camping trips.  We seemed to spend a lot of time in the car.  I'm not sure why I remember the things that I do but I still have this image of her driving with one hand on the wheel and the other hand holding up her head while her arm rested on the door with her elbow just slightly sticking out of the window.   She sighed a lot and often looked sad and tired.  Just looking at her like that you got the sense that the weight of the world was on her shoulders.  I remember clearly thinking to myself with the innocence of a child that I would never be that way.  As a kid sitting in the back seat chatting with my gym buddies I had no comprehension of the menagerie of worries she could possibly be struggling with and simply could not understand what could make someone appear so beaten down.  How could I?  Childhood is such a wonderful little bubble of joy.  I was young, full of energy and had no responsibilities beyond household chores and going to school.  My biggest worry was if I would get my back handspring on beam or if my dad would let me go to Disneyland with the other girls. 

As an official adult for the last sixteen years I know better now.  I can think of a million things that could have caused the sadness in her eyes and the weariness in her face.  I often times find myself assuming that same pose with my head in my hand on my way home from a long day of work.  A worried head racing with thoughts of this or that.  Funny how that is.  I know now what I couldn't begin to know back then.  As we grow older our world broadens and along with that comes a million other things that make us grow up and make us grown ups.  Some things we like, and some we don't but we don't get to pick and choose.   I remember the excitement of going off to college, the thrill of ordering my first drink in a bar and the pride of moving out into my first apartment on my own after college.  I remember how excited and responsible I felt when I got my first "big girl" job with salary and benefits.  Along with each step comes things that need resolving, bills that need to be paid and obligations that need to be tended to.  It goes on and on with each new milestone.

Life can be as hard as it is rewarding.  I know that I've not seen the worst it has to offer and can't complain too much but there are days when I just can't see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel and my inner demons threaten to knock me down.  Moments where I feel tired and worn out by the day to day struggle of making it and figuring out where I fit in.  Times that I wonder where I went wrong and what, oh what can I do to fix it now. 

So what do we do?  We keep going because as grown ups that's what we are supposed to do.  We hold on tight to the good things and do our best to fend off the bad.  We gather strength and joy from the ones we love.  We keep working, growing, and learning.  We bask in delight wherever it finds us, because surely and thankfully it will.  We do this because life can be hard but it is still good.

Housekeeping



Tools of the trade

I do the cleaning in our house because unfortunately, it won't clean itself.  I figure since there are already a million other things that I have to nag remind Mj about that neither one of us needs the aggravation of me asking him for the 3rd time when he's going to clean the toilet or vacuum.  I do it myself and it gets done.  He is responsible for trash day, picking up after himself, and keeping his desk and one of the extra rooms he uses tidy.  That seems to be plenty for him to keep up with.  He cooks way more then I ever will do and either one of us starts the laundry when the hamper lid won't close or he runs out of undershirts; whichever comes first.  The kitchen counters, dishes, stove etc are done throughout the week on an as needed basis by both of us, or just me if I get too annoyed with his habit of letting them pile up and sit.  Can you guess which one of us is the "neat one"? 

When I lived in my studio it took me about an hour tops to clean the entire place from top to bottom.  It was easy and didn't take up too much of my time so I didn't mind it all that much.  Since moving into our house it takes so long that I find myself dreading it more and more.  It's like the gym.  Once I get started I'm usually ok, it can be soothing and satisfying and I like the finished results but finding the motivation to get going is tough sometimes.  Cleaning is usually a Saturday morning affair so I can get it out of the way and have the rest of my weekend to relax and have fun.  If I didn't get to the laundry that's no big deal to leave for Sunday, as long as the cleaning is done.  I like everything to be clean at the same time AND I'd rather not be cleaning something every day so I do it all at once every other weekend.  Unless I'm feeling really lazy and/or busy in which case I might put it off one extra week.  Because it takes me so long I decided to track exactly what I was doing and how long I was doing it to figure out if I could trim down the time.  We have 3 bedrooms,  2.5 bathrooms and two living spaces.  These are examples of three different torture cleaning "sessions" and how long it took me.  

54 minutes:  Dusting blinds and all surfaces 
25 minutes:  Vacuum carpets/Floors
50 minutes:  Clean Bathrooms
35 minutes:  Swiffer all floors
2 hours 44 Minutes

1 hr 10 min: Dusting all surfaces, blinds and window sills
45 min: Vacuum carpets and floors
46 min: Clean Bathrooms
6 min: Trash
2 hrs 46 min

43 min:  Dust all surfaces
33 min:  Vacuum carpets and floors
45 min:  Clean bathrooms
5 min:  Trash
2 hr 6 min

The 1/2 bath and the extra full bathroom don't get much use so those are pretty quick.  I did find that I was wiping down mirrors that didn't need to be wiped and vacuuming and mopping carpets and floors that hardly get used so I have cut back on that.  I dust behind the DVD/Satellite box/Playstation/Xbox hub and other surfaces that aren't quite dusty but it seems to pop up overnight so I think it's just better to stay on top of it.  We don't wear shoes inside so I don't think it necessary to mop every single time.  I also don't do the blinds, window sills and baseboards every time either. 

I woke up to my neighbor blasting Barry Manilow on Saturday morning.  Should I be embarrassed to admit that I really liked a lot of the songs?  Somehow music makes doing anything more tolerable so I got out of bed, blasted some i tunes of my own and started in with the dusting.  2 hours and 6 minutes later I'm finished and I'd hate to see how much longer it would take me if we had a bigger house.  I take pride in keeping a clean and neat house and like it that if someone drops by unexpectedly I won't be embarrassed by the condition of my home.  I really enjoy the finished results of all of my hard work....that is until the Mj storm rolls through and leaves his trail of destruction.  It's actually kind of a work out too.  Either that or I'm totally out of shape because my body usually feels fatigued by the time I'm done.  The good news is that I have the entire three day weekend ahead to have fun without having to even think about cleaning.  The bad news is that next weekend or the weekend after depending on how lazy busy I am I get to do it all over again.  I noticed that our neighbor behind us (the one who likes Barry Manilow) has a maid and sometimes I really wish we did too.  Maybe someday that would be possible, especially if we ever got a bigger house, but for now I'm it.

How do you divide household chores in your house?  How long does it take you to clean or are you lucky enough to have a cleaning service?  What is your typical cleaning schedule?