Castle on a Cloud

I left on Friday very early California time and arrived in Stuttgart on Saturday morning.  They are 9 hours ahead so technically it was only about 17 hours of travel.  Only!  I got a nap in and then we walked to the Christmas Market conveniently located across the street from his apartment where I had my first introduction to Gluhwein.
 

Munich, Germany

On Sunday we took a two hour train ride to Munich, where we stayed the night at the Sofitel Hotel Munich which was just steps from the strain station.  Wish we could have had another night at the hotel, just for the toilet.  Yes, the toilet!  It had bidet, and dryer action all in one with the push of a button.  I had way too much fun with that toilet.  We checked in and then went walking around the city.  They didn't have their Christmas Market set up yet, but we found the Gluhwein.

We ate at a place called Hofbrauhaus Munchen, where I ate a very German meal of sausage and potato salad with beer.  I was kind of bummed when it came out because it looked like regular old hot dogs, but it turned out okay because they did not taste like regular old hot dogs.  The place is huge, and fend for yourself when it comes to seating so we did end up in a communal table with people we didn't know.

Linderhorf Palace

The next morning we were up bright and early for our castle tour and it lasted all day long.  We had to be at the bus at 8am and I don't think we got back until 6ish.  The first stop was this adorable little town called Oberammergau where we toured Linderhorf Palace.  This one was small inside, but very beautiful.  It was set up so that each room led right into the next.  We stopped for a snack in one of the cafe's, where I had a delicious croissant with coffee and then we headed for the town of Hohenschwangau.

German Spaetzel

Bavaria is straight out of a fairy tale.  As we drove into town several homes had fairy tales painted on the sides, and the mountains looming in the background were magnificent.  I was pretty much starving since the moment I woke up.  Nothing I ate filled me up that day, not even the weird sandwich I got from Starbucks.  Even though their menu items are different, I avoid all American establishments in Europe.  I didn't travel all that way to eat at Starbucks or Burger King, but I was starving and I thought eggs might do the trick, so I went with it.  Well, the sauce was weird and I didn't like it that much but I ate it anyway because I was so hungry.  The croissant didn't help much either, so our first stop had to be food.  We ate at a hotel restaurant where I went for the carbs.  Spaetzel, is kind of like the German version of mac and cheese.  It was so delicious, so filling, and I was ready to make the hike up the hill to our next castle.

There is a castle on a cloud.

I like to go there in my sleep. 
Aren't any floors for me to sweep.  
Not in my castle on a cloud.

The walk to Neuschwanstein Castle is about a mile, and much of it is uphill.  I was ready for that, but what I wasn't expecting was the strong gusts of wind.  Once we got to to the top of the hill with the Castle in full view the wind was so strong that I could feel it pushing me.  We lucked out, and it actually wasn't super chilly that day, but the wind was insane.  When I saw this castle looming in the distance the song from Les Miserables, Castle on a Cloud, took root in my brain and there it stayed for the rest of the day because the castle on a cloud was right before my eyes, and it was beautiful.  It also happens to be the very same one that inspired the Disney castle, and I guess I just couldn't stop singing about it.  We started up a spiral staircase, and I could feel the cold emanating from the thick stone walls and it is positively massive inside.  The hallways are wide, the windows are arched, and the ceilings ornate.  We saw the servants quarters, the huge kitchen, a massive hall where I imagined a royal ball like the one in Cinderella could be held.  The royal bed is a thing of art, and I just can't believe that people lived here.  It's exactly how you would imagine it to be from what you see on TV.

We had a little bit more time to walk around Munich once the bus dropped us off.  We got our bags from from the hotel, and went to the station for our train back to Stuttgart.  It was a long, exhausting, magical day.  

Crying at all is not allowed
Not in my castle on a cloud

 
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They Don't Pay Me Enough

There is no other way to say it. International airline travel sucks.  I had two flights each way.  There, it was 5 hours plus another 8. On the way home it was 10 hours plus 6.  I splurged on a pricier neck pillow, and the recline angle was pretty decent, but sleeping while sitting up is no fun.  It's just not natural to sit in such tight quarters for that long. Ridiculous even. Like how? But if you want to walk the cobblestone streets of Paris it's what you have to do. When your husband is living overseas it's what you have to do. 

Rome, Italy

This trip wasn't planned, but if I was a regular wife it would have been. You know, the kind of wife who says, "Sure I'd love to honey! When do I leave?" when her husband asks her to come to Germany and stay at a romantic lodge in the mountains of outer Bavaria.  Who wouldn't want to get away and enjoy that with their husband?

Well not me, because I'm not a regular wife.  We talked about it in August. Well, texted about it, because sometimes you just don't get around to talking about all the things you mean to when your husband lives nine hours ahead.

"Impossible," I said. 

Because it was. There isn't any possible way that I can get away for that long during that time of year.  I have one job! And it's showtime. The work floods in on the 18th, and I have a hard deadline on December 2nd.  Like really hard, as in the most important and biggest deadline of the year.  We lose 2 days for the holidays, but if I went to Germany when he wanted I'd have exactly 4 days (Tuesday to Friday) to do five times the amount of work that I would normally have 10 days to complete.   Impossible.  I could swing an extra 2 days max, but who spends 15 hours and a cool G on a flight for a 6 day visit? I really wanted to, but it was impractical, and I am nothing if not practical.  

I would see him two weeks later for Christmas and that was that because that's life and you simply don't always get what you want.

We didn't talk about it again until much later. We had a nice week together in Hawaii, but as Thanksgiving approached I knew something was wrong.  We don't argue, but for two months I had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach I couldn't shake. Hawaii was weird. Something was wrong, and when I flat out asked him what it was, I found out he had stronger feelings about the situation than he let on.  Election day was hyper emotionally charged for more reasons than one.

"Well, it's too late now," he said.

"Probably, but it wouldn't hurt to look."

So I looked, and my heat sank, because the cost was $600 more than when I was "just browsing" in August.  Yes, there was a total breakdown in communication.  We should have had that conversation a heck of a lot earlier, but the bottom line is that I should have known. I should have known that it was not okay leave him alone for Thanksgiving, and I had to fix it.

 

"It's way too much money," he said.

"I know.  Way too much, but I'm tempted to do it anyway."   

I mulled it over.  I talked to my mom.  I called my boss at home.  What would the lead girl in the Rom-Com do in this situation? She would cancel her airline ticket to Vegas and book the damn ticket to Stuttgart. She would do whatever it took to get to her man.

I'm not the type to say screw them, they'll figure it out.  That's not me.  I'm the girl who tried to come back to work 2 weeks post op, but stretched it to 3 because I was told to stay home, and then worked in pain all week because of the very same deadline that was keeping me from my husband.  I offered to work from home while I was in Germany, and I still didn't know how I'd get all the work done, but it was the only option I could come up with.  Mind you, it doesn't really work like that in our office, but desperate times called for desperate measures.  I had to make this happen.  I booked the flight on Friday and one week later, I was on a long ass flight to Stuttgart.  No easy task for someone who suffers from travel induced anxiety.

At least they keep you occupied on international flights. Plenty of movies to choose from.  I watched four on the way there, and five on the way back.  Five!  High Strung has to be one of the most cliche dance movies that ever lived.  Dance battles in the subway station, spontaneous dancing on table tops, a scholarship at stake, and a love that depends on winning it all in a dance competition.  Loved it! I was ready to try for a nap until I saw that and it passed another 1 1/2 of time.  

My meal after I demolished the chicken

You get hot towels before meals, and there were two (plus dessert) sandwiched between 3 beverage services giving me the opportunity for two glasses of wine plus coffee. I had three on the way home, and those flight attendants are not nearly as stingy with their pours as bartenders.  The food is good and perfectly designed to fill you up.  They offered it, and I ate it.  Eating is something to do.  They feed you on short flights too.  We had quiche on the way to Rome.  They make you feel so cared for, and then you get on a domestic flight and feel like a squatter who is lucky to have a bag of peanuts tossed in your direction.

Stuttgart, Germany

I imagine that in the movies the girl would have surprised her man. She would have booked the flight without a word and showed up at her husbands apartment triumphantly, suitcases in hand, and a loving smile on her face.  But this is me we're talking about, and as romantic as the idea of a surprise trip across the country is, I live in reality.  I needed his input just to get the flight booked.  The sappy music montage cutting between me navigating the transportation system of Stuttgart and my lonely husband on the couch drinking hard alcohol straight out of the bottle, would never happen.  It turns out that his apartment is pretty secure.  You can't get past the outer door without a pass key.  Also, I am so directionally challenged that I would have been lost and stranded somewhere in Stuttgart, and if by some miracle I managed to find his apartment he wouldn't be around.  My husband isn't one to sit idly or drown his sorrows in alcohol.  He would have made other plans and been long gone. 

It was still pretty perfect.  I headed through customs, then into baggage claim and looked for him in the crowd standing behind the glass.  He waved.  You guys, my husband is so cute.  I waited for my luggage and when I saw him in new cold weather active wear I'd never seen before I knew I made the right decision and that whatever I had to deal with to make it happen was well worth it.  He made a similar sacrifice for me, because he knew how important it was to me that he be in Hawaii, and I needed to do the same for him.

The price of that last minute ticket was utterly outrageous, and totally impractical, but the most practical choice isn't always the right one. Once I decided I needed to get to Stuttgart, the price didn't matter.  What mattered is that I was there for my husband, and we got to be together.  I got a chance to see what his life is like in Germany.  We ate Italian food in Italy, drank beer in Germany, and got to sleep in the same bed for nine nights.  You can't put a price tag on that, and when it comes down to it, they don't pay me enough to put work before my marriage.

How 'bout That Election?

I'm a mail voter, so my ballot bumped around the house and my purse for a few weeks while I pondered my selections.  I figure, what is good for my job is probably going to be good for me, so I normally follow my employer union recommendations on state propositions, education boards, and city officials unless I have reason to do otherwise.  I started with that, but there were  still quite a few empty bubbles.

I read through the remaining propositions in the voter information guide and got overwhelmed.  Some of them are clear cut.  I am either for repealing the death penalty or I'm against it.  I understand what the death penalty is and have a generally clear grasp of implications on both sides.  I either believe that marijuana should be legalized or not.   I have strong opinions on background checks for ammunition sales.  I've heard enough information and am familiar enough with these hot button issues to make informed decisions. 

Others are more complicated.  Should elected officials use their authority to propose and ratify an amendment to the federal constitution overturning the the US Supreme Court decision in Citizens United v Federal Election Commission? Um.  I don't know.  And still others are just...well let's just call it a head scratcher for lack of a better word.  Prop 60 is about pornography.  Should adult performers be required to use condoms during the filming of sexual intercourse and require producers to pay for performer vaccinations, testing, and medical examinations?  My union did not take a stand on that one!!  So, how do I the average person approach this?  I know that condoms help prevent diseases and unwanted pregnancy.  I don't know too much about the porn industry, but I've heard that performers are required to test to make sure that they are clean.  The condom requirement makes things safer, and if testing is required perhaps it is fair to place the burden of expense on the producers.  See, I'm inclined to vote yes, because condoms are good, but what do the performers want? Maybe they are okay with relying on routine testing.  Am I really the best person to be in charge of helping to regulate the porn industry?

How can I, the average, not super in the know on politics voter be trusted to make such big decisions on anything?  

Here's another one.  I hear so sad stories of ill and elderly who can't afford the hundreds of thousands of dollars in prescription costs that keep them well, so proposition 61 to lower Rx expenses sounds good.  Then I hear a radio commercial claiming that only 12% would end up with lower costs and they would increase for everyone else.  The voter guide breaks it down for you alright.  Argument in favor of Proposition 61, rebuttal to argument in favor of proposition 61, argument against proposition 61, and rebuttal to argument against proposition 61.  What? There is a pro and a con for each side and for every action a consequence.  Some commercials claim that veterans are for it, others claim they are against it, and I still didn't know what bubble to fill in on prop 61.  So now what?  And there are so many propositions!  

Don't even get me started on the presidency.  It was the last bubble I filled in, but I had to make a decision.  I was running out of time.  Clinton and Trump are both embroiled in some pretty serious scandals.  Hilary Clinton lied, but so did Donald Trump, plus he's kind of a nut job, and isn't it kind of a given that politicians lie?  I hate to give them a pass, because if they want the highest position in all the land they should be better than that, but the idea that we can truly hold the president to a higher moral standard seems to have flown out the window a looooong time ago.  It almost comes down to who is the least immoral.  Our elected officials are humans after all, and humans are flawed.  They make mistakes, and they don't always do the right thing.  I don't always do the right thing, but then again...I'm not running for president.  I knew what my decision would be all along, but the constant mud slinging made me second guess my instincts.  

I realize that I am totally revealing my political ignorance by admitting I didn't know until I checked out my ballot, but did everyone else already know that Jill Stein, Gloria Estela La Riva and Gary Johnson were running for president?  I actually do recall hearing the name Jill Stein, but her name got lost in the Clinton/Trump storm and I guess I forgot.  How crazy is it that we already know they have no chance whatsoever, but stranger things have happened, like Trump making the ballot in the first place.

Anyway. 

I am only one person.  I don't know all the facts, I don't have all the information, and I certainly don't understand all the issues, but but my vote counts.  It is my right, and it is my privilege so I make the best educated decisions I can and hope for the best.  This election is so ugly, divisive, and terrifying all at the same time. It's tearing people apart.  I think most of us just want it to be over.

 
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Not a Honeymoon

I don't mind staying in three different hotels on one vacation because it makes the vacation seem that much longer.  The  Grand Waikikian is even better in person then it looks on the internet.  The hardwood floors, the kitchen, the bathrooms, and tons of space.  Everything about it was perfect.  My parents stayed with us, and everyone else was in different hotels.

Mom and Dad

This is our fourth time to Hawaii and hiking was pretty much the only activity I wanted to do, so after the four of us checked in we went directly to Manoa Falls Trail.   It was more muddy and slippery than it was challenging, but it was a good hike for the four of us.

older sister and nephew

This is the sister who claims she doesn't like to travel.  How is she my sister?  I got a shirt, but her trip souvenir was two new tattoos! Saying no to travel is like saying, no to taking space away from the job and your every day wash rinse repeat routine to experience new and fun things.  It doesn't have to be as far as Hawaii, or even require an airplane, but travel is travel and I really hope that she has a new appreciation for stepping outside of her small town and doing something different. 

Baby M is not so sure about this whole beach day thing

I haven't yet mastered swimming, and have this odd fear of fish.  Learning how to breathe underwater and walk on the ocean floor with sharks was not on my wish list, so MJ took T's new hubby along and they had a fantastic time.  The rest of us spent the day at the beach.

the kids were done

The newlyweds were not rid of us yet.  Not a single day went by that they didn't see friends and family.  We were all within one mile of each other, so it worked, but it wasn't the same!!  Group activities take so long to get going.  Trying to coordinate dinner, or anything really was a bit of a nightmare.  It took forever for all of us to make it to the beach.  That night we were all starving and it seemed to take forever for everyone to be ready and to decide on a place that could accommodate all 8 1/2 of us.  We went looking for Round Table because the wait at Yard House was too long, and it turns out it was actually just Round Table Pizza served inside a place called Giovanni Pastrami.  Okay...that's clear as mud.  Don't call it Round Table when it's not Round Table!  We would have never found it if I hadn't asked a valet.

surf lessons

In addition to scuba diving MJ also wanted to try surfing so he signed up for a lesson.  He was the only one in his class that actually was able to stand up and he was super sore and exhausted after he was done.  I guess surfing is pretty hard.  You see those two girls on the right?  They had a full face of make-up.  Both of them! Why do people do that?

We got in another beach day and a pool day before we had to go home.  My parents left very early Wednesday morning.  I cried.  My sister and nephew left Thursday afternoon.  I cried.  T and her husband took off on Thursday.  I cried.  What the heck is wrong with me?  We left on Friday evening.  I didn't cry, but I wanted to.  We stretched our trip out to the max; nine relaxing days...and somehow it still seemed like it wasn't long enough when we left.

Oahu was our honeymoon six years ago, and it is great but my only complaint, is that you don't get that quiet tropical island feel you expect from Hawaii.  We got that feel in North Shore, but Waikiki is very populated.  There are freeways, tall buildings, and a lot of chain restaurants and shops.  We still haven't made it to the big Island, but after hearing that the beaches are volcanic ash, I'm not so sure I want to.  Honolulu is still a great vacation, and we enjoyed it, but the next time I go back, it will be Kauai or Maui.  Kauai because it is so remote, and Maui which is not quite as remote, but has Road to Hana.  They are by far my two favorite Islands.

I don't know how he survived, but MJ traveled from Germany half way across the world to San Diego just a day and a half before we left for Hawaii.  He was tired, but he adapted pretty well during the trip.  We did a red-eye out of Honolulu and arrived in San Diego on Saturday morning.  I unpacked my suitcase so he could fill it back up.  He was home for five hours before I was driving him back to the airport, and he had to be back at work bright and early on Monday.  I'm so glad he was willing to do all that travel in such a short amount of time and that he was able to make it work with his schedule.

I cannot be without vacation in my future.  You know what that means? Time to start planning the next one.  It is not a honeymoon when your friends and family tag along so T and Tom are doing the same.

Oahu #1
Maui
Kauai
Oahu #2

 
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My Little Sister's Wedding

So the short version, is that Hawaii was awesome.  It was the first time in a very long time that every member of our family has been on a vacation together.  A "real" vacation and not a road trip to visit family.  Even then, I think there were probably only two out of three siblings in attendance at the same time because with a fifteen year age span between us, there was always one who wasn't around. 

Now for the long version.  The trip can be broken into two parts.  Before the wedding and after the wedding.  We stayed in Waikiki for the first night and went to dinner with the in-law side of the family, and then headed to North Shore for the wedding weekend extravaganza that was my little sister's wedding.  North Shore is about an hour and twenty minutes from Waikiki.

Before the wedding T could barely make it to her hotel because they were running errands all day as soon as they landed in Honolulu, and then all day the next day before heading to Laie.  My parents had all kinds of wedding stuff to do too, and my mom traveled with an entire suitcase full of wedding gear.  I'm on the hot mess express every time I travel, and I distinctly remember the day before our wedding when MJ wanted me to come out with him and his family to Julian and wouldn't go.  I couldn't go.  I didn't have anything I needed to do, but I was too anxious to leave my lists and spreadsheets.  I would have been a mess, but not T.  Nothing phases her.  Not even a destination wedding during the first year of her child's life.  She had all kinds of wedding accoutrements shipped to Oahu that she never even got to see until we checked in on Friday.  There was all kinds of chaos as everyone arrived and started unloading cars.  Before long, our house was full of boxes and the kitchen packed with food...most of which was not for us.  When I asked my mom if they picked up any food that was not for the wedding, she looked around in confusion and said no...I guess not. 

My favorite part about Tiki Moon Villas that weekend is that we were all together.  The property has five bungalows and they were all occupied by friends and family of the wedding so we were neighbors all weekend long.  My family had one place to ourselves and the bride and groom had their own place.  Most of her friends were steps away.  It was the ideal set up so we could spend more time together, and be available when my little sister needed help with baby M or anything else.  She was too busy to do anything!  She needed a lot of help, so I'm glad we were so close.

My second favorite part was the outdoor shower.  Who knew how amazing it would feel to take a shower outside?  I don't know what it is, but being outdoors while naked is great.  I really enjoyed feeling the fresh air and seeing the sun while I scrubbed down.  It just felt good, and it was convenient, because the house had one bathroom to share.  I showered inside once, and then it was outdoors for the rest of the weekend.  I loved it.

Bride getting ready

We waited too late to start getting ready.  Or something.  One minute we were tying tags to the never ending pile of wedding favors, and the next thing I knew it was a race against time to finish my make-up and finish curling my sister's hair.  Meanwhile, MJ was chilling in the room catching up on TV shows.  Sounds just like our wedding day when I didn't have time to eat, but he had time to forget his tux and have drinks with his groomsmen.  The bride had a hair and make up artist come, so she was on schedule, but the rest of us were rushing.  We ran over with the curling iron to finish hair, but none of us made it in time to be there when she put on her dress.  The officiant was trying to get us together, but D was still in her robe, my mom was pinning my dress up in the back, and my dad was nowhere to be found.

How do you get that scene in the movies where the wedding party hangs out in their matching outfits laughing, drinking wine, and soaking in the enormity of what is about to happen?  I may never know.

My nephew the ring bearer

There was no rehearsal.  The bride was so laid back she didn't care where the boutineers were pinned, how we got out there, or how we came back.  She didn't even care that much about what dresses we wore.  The officiant asked us who the maid of honor was.  The bride didn't know so my older sister was elected on the spot because she was born first.  The officiant gave us a crash course on when we were supposed to start walking, and we sent my nephew down the aisle with the ring.  "Walk to the front, find grammy, and sit down."  I think we sent him out too soon because there was no music during the first half of his walk.  He stopped and gave a deer in headlights look, but we told him to keep going, and the ring made it safely down the aisle.

Bridesmaids

Bride and Groom

She looked so pretty!  The look on his face when he saw T and their sweet baby girl with a flower crown walk down the aisle brought tears to my eyes, and I had to fight off a big happy ugly cry.  That baby is a mama's girl.  One of my sister's friends had to grab crying baby from my mom or else she would have missed the whole ceremony.  There were a few blunders and giggles as the bride and groom proceeded through the ceremony, but nothing major, and in the end they were man and wife.  She did good.  He's  great guy, and we all love him.

Mom, Dad, and baby M until she got fussy and got passed off to me

When the wedding cake arrived I thought that maybe they forgot some of the frosting, but it turns out this is what the bride wanted.  It was simple, and different.  Rustic, to match her theme.  I think it turned out really pretty, but did it taste good?  YES.  We were so happy to have some the next night.  The caterers used our kitchen for prep and were nice enough to leave us a ton of left overs from dinner too.

The rest of the day went by just as fast as it started.  We ate a delicious family style dinner.  We ate cake.  Then there were speeches, and I still can't believe I volunteered to speak.  I do not do such things.  I do not!  Maybe it was the alcohol or the intoxicating humid Hawaiian air, but something prompted me to grab the mike to say a few words.  I wasn't even nervous, and I don't think it was terrible.  The night was warm, the drinks were flowing and we literally danced the rest of the night away.  I didn't waste a minute.  I was one of the first ones out there.  We started out with 98% of guest butts in chairs, but by the end of the night I looked around and every single person was dancing. 

Cousin and Mom

After the wedding EVERYONE could relax, for the most part.  T is a very ambitious bride.  Not only did she plan a Friday night Bar B Q, but she also wanted a Sunday morning brunch for everyone staying at the villas.  This  basically meant that my older sister, mom and I were in the kitchen cranking out waffles for a few hours because we had exactly one waffle maker but we pulled it off.  Afterwards we spent the rest of the day hanging out at the beach and playing with fun water toys like a 7 person raft and kayak's.  The villas are on a private beach that only residents have access to.  I have no idea what beach it was, but it was beautiful and we had it mostly to ourselves.

We checked out of the villas on Monday morning, and it was nice knowing that there was still more vacation to come.  It was moving day, because we sure did make ourselves at home.  I felt like we had been there much longer than one weekend based on all the food and boxes of stuff we had to pack up before we left.  T and her new husband rented an SUV, but there was so much wedding stuff they still didn't have enough space to take all their luggage back to Waikiki.  My parents trunk was packed too, so MJ and I took two suitcases with us for them to pick up later.

She pulled it off!  My little sister who insisted on wearing a black leotard every day for months when she was 3 is a married woman and a Mom.  Her family is complete, and I'm so happy for her. 

 
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My Battle with Insomnia

Not to be overly dramatic or anything, but guys, I am hanging on by a thread.  A thin, frayed thread precariously close to snapping.  My life is not in danger and there are far worse things to battle, but referring to this as my battle with insomnia feels fitting because I have been dealing with this off and on for a long time.  There is no rhyme.  There is no reason.  I go to bed just like I do every other night, except there is that one night I wait for sleep and it doesn't come.  Not that night, or the next, or the next.

A photo posted by Cece🌺 (@mahoganydrive) on Sep 25, 2016 at 4:35pm PDT

I went to see the Lion King on Sunday.  It was so entertaining and so good.  Lions dancing, mountains moving and can you feel the love tonight?  I felt it.  It was great, but I could barely keep my eyes open.  Sunday matinee performances after a carb heavy brunch and a mimosa is enough to make anyone feel a bit drowsy, but I was fighting sleep almost the entire time.  Fighting so hard, that it was kind of painful, and that's been my life for going on two weeks now.  My eyes are glazed over and heavy inside my skull.  I don't quite have a headache, but the tension in my head pulses and the energy it takes to keep my eyes open when every cell in my body is telling me I need to sleep is nauseating.

I worked out six days last week.  This week I'm doing five.  Working out has been non negotiable for so long that I'm on auto pilot.  No matter how tired I am, I take off my clothes and wiggle into a sports bra as soon as I walk in the door. I might as well work out.  It's not like I can sleep instead.  I feel a temporary burst of energy right after I work out, but by the time I've showered and made my way downstairs for dinner, usually around 7:00ish, it's gone and I'm crashing all over again.

I'm exhausted, but I still can't sleep.

I get into bed and lay down from about 8:30-9:00pm to 6:20am, so according to my Fit Bit I'm sleeping, but I'm not! When my alarm goes off in the morning I'm already awake.  I think I'm going to be okay, but by the time I get to work I don't know how I'll make it.  Over the weekend I didn't wake up at 7:00am.  I gave up at 7:00am because I was just laying there.  I can't say I don't sleep at all, but whatever it is that is happening isn't restful because it doesn't feel like sleep when I am aware that I am laying in bed trying to sleep.  I don't know how you dream without sleeping, but it happens.  You know those dreams when you are aware that you are dreaming and you feel kind of like you are trapped in your own body watching yourself dream?  It was like that.  

My magic pill rx doesn't work and it's not because I've been taking it too much.  I learned that lesson the hard way last year after taking it Sunday through Thursday for months.  My body adapted.  It stopped working and I had to tough it out on my own for a while.  Since that bout ended I have only used it occasionally, so I fully expected it to lull me to sleep.  I finally tried melatonin two nights ago.  Who knew it came in flavors?  The strawberry smelled so good I wanted to eat it like candy but I didn't.  I swallowed one pill and hoped for the best.  No luck.  I doubled it up last night.  Some luck.  I felt like I actually went to sleep as in a not aware that I am trying to sleep deep sleep for at least a few hours, but I think I was awake by 1:00am off and on.  Valerian Root is on deck.  Might as well try everything.

I don't have kids.  I'm supposed to be able to sleep when I want! I cannot function like this for much longer, and yet I have no choice, but to function like this for as long as it continues.  Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.  This is torture!  I don't feel as zombie like as I did yesterday, but sitting in front of a computer for eight hours is not helpful, so it will be another long day.

Does anyone else struggle with insomnia on a regular basis?  What works for you?

 
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