Body Talk

I don't floss but I don't get cavities.  I've never had anything like bronchitis or strep throat.  I don't get the flu shot and I don't get the flu.  I have vague memories of shivering and sweating in bed as a teenager so I may have had it before but it's been so long that I can't remember.  I have a stomach of iron and I don't know what heart burn or indigestion feels like because I've never had either.  Exactly one year ago I had surgery and was back at work in three weeks.  Like a perfect all knowing machine my body knew exactly what it needed to do to heal and get me back to living the life I love.   I can barely see my hand right in front of my face but it's correctable with contacts.  I have loud creaky knees and a sometimes bad back but I still climbed a really big mountain a few weeks ago.  It aggravated my old lady knees and I could barely walk for days days, but I was able to do it because my body allowed me to. 

It dawned on me around November of last year when people were being struck down left and right with illness that I hadn't been sick for a single solitary day in the calendar year 2014.  Not once.  I actually had to check my blog to find out that the last time I got sick enough with a cold to miss a day of work was January 2013 and it had been a year prior since I was sick before that.  Last month there was one occasion where I had a weird cough and another that I felt a little stuffy at night for a few days but nothing that materialized into anything requiring a day off work, medication or even tissues.  So what's my secret?  The truth is, I don't have one.  I am absolutely not perfect in my diet and exercise and I've only recently gotten more regular with vitamins.  When I'm not eating hamburgers the size of my head I have a solid awareness of what a healthy diet is and that's what I eat.  I exercise regularly except when I'd rather watch reality TV or snuggle in bed with a good book than work out.  There isn't always an explanation for good health just as there isn't always one when it's bad.

My first thought when I realized I haven't been sick in so long was Holy immune system you are really good!!  I'll probably get the plague, the measles or at least a really rotten cold for publicly acknowledging that I haven't been sick in two years; but it's the truth and it's pretty awesome. My second thought.  You are mighty ungrateful for someone who has been graced with such good health.

I know I'm lucky and I don't take my good health for granted.  I never did, although my actions told a slightly different story.  An unhealthy aversion to fat and calories dominated my life for a really long time but in my mind it wasn't a problem.  I wouldn't listen to anyone who said you have to put gas in your car in order to fuel it because I was getting away with it.  There was hardly any gas and yet there I was chugging along.  My trusty body stood up to the abuse like a champ and thrived in spite of my poor nutrition.  Things are different now.  Over the last year I had to accept this whole eat to live concept, but the voice in my head that drove my actions all those years remains.   I should be grateful for my good health.  I am grateful, but sometimes I have to ask myself; how truly grateful I can be when I don't love my body?

I love my body for what it has done but not at all for what it is and sadly, I have never loved any version of my body no matter the size.  I can pick up any journal I've ever written since I was ten years old and find something negative about my shape or weight.  My physical form is a vehicle for life but also a source of conflict.  It's like being trapped in an unwanted shell that you cannot escape.

One day I was in the bathroom using a hand mirror to stare at my butt when my husband walked in.  Let's be real.  I can't be the only woman who has ever done this.  Normally, I hide my hate sessions and would have quickly put the mirror down but I didn't bother.  He's heard me give every excuse in the book to avoid dinner and held me while I cried about my thighs.  There are really no secrets left when it comes to this and as much as he loves my body the way it is he already knows I don't.  He gave me a funny look.

"What? Haven't you ever used a hand mirror like this to look at your butt?"  I asked sarcastically because I already knew the answer.  Of course not.

It struck me as some otherworldly state of being not to have ever done such a thing because I really don't know what it's like to not hate my body.  I can't imagine an existence where I don't use a hand mirror so that I can hate-see my butt.  Where I don't avoid the mirror because I dread what I will see or am compelled to look so that I can shake my head in disgust.  I've pinched, criticized and compared for so many years that I don't even know what I look like anymore.  Objectively, I know that I am not this hideous creature I see in my head and that my harsh opinion is terribly skewed and therefore lacks merit.  I know this, and yet those negative thoughts still speak the loudest.  I've starved.  I've overexercised.  I've called myself fat.  The physical war is over, but the mental war inside my head won't quit and I haven't figured out how to shut off the voice telling me my body is not good enough. There is no reason that any woman at any size should look in the mirror and be so blinded that they can only see what needs fixing. Who's to blame?  How does this happen?  I can't very well blame the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show because this all started before I even knew what Victoria's Secret was.  I can't say that I'm not affected by those images, because I most definitely am, but it's so much more complex than that.  

I've loathed it to the moon and back but all it has ever shown me in return is love.  My body has never let me down.  It does everything it's supposed to do and I should love it wholeheartedly because that's what it deserves. My body deserves better.  I deserve better.  There are people with chronic and/or life threatening illnesses and people get sick every time the wind blows so it does feel kind of ridiculous to be so hung up on something like this.  I'm not one to cuss much, but really; I'm too old for this shit.  Life is too short to spend it hating the very thing that allows you to live.  I'm working on it.  That's really all I can say and hopefully one day I'll learn to appreciate my body for the amazing things it does and for what it looks like.

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Old Lady Shoes

Confession time!

I confess that we change our thermostat from our Ecobee App even if we are sitting five feet away from it.  One time the only thing within our reach was my i pad which did not have the app on it.  When we wanted to turn on the heat we just downloaded the app instead of getting up. Hey, if the options there-I'm gonna use it. The main reason I'm really glad we have the option is so I don't have to get upset if we leave the house and I think I left the thermostat on because I will make him turn around and go back.  Half the time it's not even on!!  Same thing with my curling iron.  I wish I had an app for that.

I confess that I made coffee but forgot the cup.  I hit 'brew' and didn't even realize I forgot the mug until I saw it shooting out of the machine.  I always wondered what would happen if some idiot did that.  Well, that idiot is me and it turns out the machine has a pretty good plan in place when people are silly enough to forget.  Most of the coffee pooled into the base area so it didn't make that much of a mess but I was really annoyed that I wasted a K cup.

I confess that I ate both hard boiled egg yolks for two days in a row without even realizing it.  I realized I'd done it for two days on Wednesday and remembered not to but had to check the trash because I couldn't remember if I remembered.  Then I forgot again on Friday.  MJ called to remind me on Monday or else I might have done it again.  I eat two hard boiled eggs in the morning as part of my breakfast but only one yolk because it's too much cholesterol.  The confession here has less to do with the yolks and more to do with my awful memory and how weird it was in the first place that I just randomly forgot.  Yes, I'm losing my mind.  See coffee confession above.

I confess that I started calling my sleeping pills dolls after I watched Valley of the Dolls last month.  I know, I'm weird.  Anyone ever seen it?  I read the book a long time ago and loved it so I was really excited to see it in Netflix.  It's from the 60's and Patty Duke is in it.  Her character becomes addicted to prescription medication and she calls them dolls.  And yes, I still take sleeping pills dolls Sunday through Thursday because of chronic insomnia.

I confess that since we have a no shoes allowed rule I get ridiculously excited when I get a new pair of and get to wear them in the house.  I always make sure to put them on early so I can prance around the house because it's such a novelty and it's fun to feel like I'm breaking the rules.  Don't laugh at my old lady shoes.  That's what MJ calls them anyway, but they are so comfortable that I don't even care.  If you are interested in what it feels like to walk on a cloud they are Grasshoppers by Keds.

I confess that I finally threw away my wedding folder from 2010.  It was not even cute.  It was just some tired heavy stock folder with a pocket on each side stuffed to the brim with wedding stuff.  Let's just say I had a really hard time letting go of my wedding.

I confess that I'm driving around with my Goodwill drop off  in my trunk.  I have bags and bags of clothes and shoes just rolling around with me every day.  If I didn't know me and I saw my trunk I'd think I was homeless and living out of my car.  I'm not homeless, I'm just a hoarder.  Pulling all that stuff out of my closet was a big move but I'm afraid to pull the trigger for real.  I've got issues.

I confess that I bought a shoe stretcher.  I've taken my shoes for stretching enough that I finally decided to just go ahead and buy one.  Turns out they really aren't that expensive and it's one of those things that will pay for itself.

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Worth The Climb

"We should go hiking sometime."  I said that a really long time ago and I don't know what we were waiting for considering there are tons of amazing hiking trails in San Diego.

Miles to go

Two weekends ago the conditions were perfect.  The air was crisp and the sky was blue so off we went for our first hike of the new year at Cowles Mountain.  It took us 1 hour and 10 minutes to hike to the top and back.  The way up was a serious work out.  I had to spend a lot of time looking at the ground to avoid any missteps.  The way down was more enjoyable.  It's easier and I got to look around more.  My body was really tired afterwards but I was not sore at all the next day.  4.7 miles was challenging but not extremely difficult.  

So what happens if we double the miles?

We decided to tackle Mt. Woodson at Lake Poway next.  We're talking 8.4 miles round trip.  When I went downstairs MJ was packing snacks.  Is this hike so hard and long that we going to have to stop for a lunch break?  Maybe I have no idea what I'm getting myself into.  It was another perfect day for hiking.   70 degrees at 12 noon with blue skies and a perfect touch of chill in the air.  It was beautiful and this is just one of the reasons I love San Diego so much.  You can do almost anything you want here any time you want to. 

This is one tough hike.  Some areas are steeper than others but there are some serious inclines.   Again, I had to keep my eyes on the ground a lot to avoid taking a wrong step.  It's actually best not to look too far ahead.  It's beautiful, but when you see all the little ants marching along the mountain which are actually people way ahead of you who still haven't made it to the top you realize how far you have to go.  I knew we'd get there, but when your legs are already on fire and you know you aren't even half way there it's just a tiny bit discouraging. 

The edge of the world

We took one break on the way up at the halfway point.  This trail has gigantic boulders everywhere at many points along the way so it's not too hard to find a rock and make it your own little spot to chill out and enjoy the view.

We spent about 30 minutes at the top snacking, checking out the view and resting our legs.   Then it was time to make the trek down.  Eight miles of crazy mountain inclines is no joke and going down is not as hard but it's still really challenging.  I got a new pain in my instep but kept on trucking. We did a lot of running  because it was easier to allow the momentum to push your legs into a jog than trying to resist it.  If gravity made us run we ran and there were times when my body was going so fast that my legs could barely keep up.   The whole thing took us 2 hours and 40 minutes.   I was a dusty, filthy mess but I didn't mind it because sometimes it just feels really good to be dirty.  It means I conquered a mountain and felt the wind on my face.  I also felt dirt blow on my face and tasted it, but it goes with the territory.  By the time we made it to the car my body was so beat down and my legs were kind of numb but that didn't last.  By the time we made it home they hurt so bad I could barely get out of the car and by the time we hobbled to dinner that night I felt like I had been hit by a bus.

The view from the top is worth the climb and so are the food shenanigans that are likely to occur afterwards.  I burned 1,257 calories and MJ burned even more.  We had breakfast and mountain top snacks but we were at an extreme calorie deficit that required burgers and beer at Nicky Rotten's.  This burger was so big that when it landed in front of me I wasn't sure how to handle it.  If you've ever eaten blue cheese you know how strong the flavor is and they are so generous with toppings I had to scrape off chunks to tone down the flavor.  It was so delicious.  I got draft instead of a bottle just so I could drink out of a frosty glass and it was seriously the best tasting Coors Light I've ever had in my life.

Las Vegas // Lake Tahoe

And we weren't the only ones in my family hiking that Saturday.  While we were hiking in San Diego my parents were exploring a trail in their new home Las Vegas while my little sister was out doing a little hike in Lake Tahoe.  Great minds think alike.

So this is how it feels to burn 1,200 calories in one workout.  It hurts, but I had a lot of fun.  Even with the pain; I loved the challenge and I definitely want to do it again.  Not right away.  There are plenty of other trails to explore in the meantime while I let the memory of the suffering part of Mt. Woodson go away.

We saw an older man with white hair at the top of the mountain.  Amidst the crowds of spandex clad young people he stood out the most and it had nothing to do with his high rise white polyester pants with the elastic waistband or the giant fanny pack he was wearing.   He stood out because it's a tough hike even for the young hard bodies with bare midriffs and even at his age he was out there just like the rest of us getting it done.  I am so inspired by active old people because that's how I hope to be.  If my body feels this much pain now I can only imagine how it will feel 15-20 years from now.  That old guy is a rock star in my book.  Maybe I won't go as fast and maybe it'll take me longer to recover but I want us to be out there together hiking mountains for a long time to come.

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Cheers to The New Year

It was my idea for him to teach me how to play poker.  We would be staying in for New Year's Eve and I figured it was as good a time as any.

Last year we were dancing in the streets on New Year's Eve.  Not exactly in the streets but in a bar, which is almost the same thing and it was really fun.  I officially declared that going out for New Year's Eve is not overrated.  I still believe that but you gotta be able to get your booty dressed and out into the cold frigid air first and that is the hardest part.  This year dinner and drinking at home would do.

We went to Tiramisu Trattoria because it was closer to home than downtown, the parking is plentiful and free, and the food is good.  I got the lasagna because I find it very difficult to go to an Italian restaurant and order anything else.  He got the sausage rigatoni.  After filling up on bread and salad we took home more than we ate.

Poker is harder than I thought.  I kept getting the hands confused.  Is it suit or number that makes the hand?  I think I got it; sort of and will do better next time but I had to take a break so I got out Yahtzee and proceeded to play the worst three games I have ever played in my life.  Ever.  And I've been playing Yahtzee since I was like 10 years old.  It was me and my older sister's favorite game for a long time and I used to be good but I couldn't roll anything good to save my life and had to fill in zeros for almost everything.  While we played MJ put on silly movies that nobody really wants to admit to making an effort to sit down and watch.  Scary Movie 2 was just down right ridiculous but Bad Grandpa was actually hilarious.   We switched over to countdown shows and then toasted the New Year with champagne and a smooch.

This is how I feel about the end of holiday #staycation and going back to work tomorrow.😭

A photo posted by Cece (@pinksunshine94) on Jan 1, 2015 at 2:44pm PST

Two weeks at home is plenty of time to feel refreshed, be productive and have fun and just long enough to almost make you forget that you have a job.  Which is awesome.  The holidays are over.  Food for the week has been prepped and my staycation is all but over.  I'm not exactly thrilled about that but the new year has begun and there is something to be said for being alive and well to see another one.

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Staycation Mode

I'm in serious staycation mode and apparently that means no blogging.  My last day of work was December 22nd and I don't go back until January 5th.

So what have I been doing?

Tis the season for cute ankle boots // Aldo

Spending a crap ton of money which WILL happen even if you buy nothing else if you buy your husband an iPad.  There was a spa visit and dinners out.  I have this habit of deciding I need things after Thanksgiving which is the same time I also need to by things for other people.  It was all fun and games until I saw my credit card balance.  I paid my credit card off and will start fresh with being more conservative in January.

A photo posted by Cece (@pinksunshine94) on Dec 12, 2014 at 10:24am PST

Reading as many books as I can.  The library and very specifically, that library transports me to my broke single years when I lived alone in my condo and spent hours and hours reading alone in my cozy little studio.  The library was free and I had a lot of free time on my hands so I was there every single month combing the stacks for something new.  I hadn't been in so long that I had a $4.00 fine from 2010.  Good thing they don't charge interest or send you to collections.  Incidentally, 2010 is when life got very busy for me.  MJ came home from an 11 month deployment, we bought a house and got married.  Then I discovered DVR and it was all over after that.  Life gets so busy that I may or may not make library trips a regular thing but this staycation was the perfect time to go back.  Hopefully I'll do more reading in 2015.  I missed it!

Watching Married at First Sight.  With the help of experts three arranged marriages are set up and the couples meet on their wedding day when they walk down the aisle.  Crazy right?  But so fascinating.  I stumbled upon this on my Direct TV app, recorded all the episodes and finished most of it in two days.  It's a really interesting reality show that actually seems real and not full of wanna be actresses that signed up for the free vacations.  Each episode has really interesting insight about making a marriage work and it's a pretty interesting social experiment to watch unfold.  Jason and Courtney are my favorite couple.  They are so cute!!

Finding my motivation for working out.  Any motivation I was still hanging onto left me in the dust about last month.  I fought it, but once the holidays hit and it started to get chilly it was gone and I decided that was okay.   If I work out I work out and if I don't...well, clearly life goes on.  I am fitting in as many morning yoga classes as I can at the gym and we will see what happens in the new year.

Enjoying quality time with MJ.  He worked only one more day than me so last week was a staycation for both of us.  On Christmas Eve Eve we wasted $26 bucks on this Winter Wonderland holiday event downtown that was pretty much worthless unless you had a gaggle of kids.  At least we got to see a Reindeer.  I don't even care because it was one of those warm balmy nights (yes, in December) that I can't get enough of.  We strolled around downtown on a Tuesday-which felt strange, until we found a place to eat with outdoor seating and drink specials.  Wasted money or not it was a fun night.  Playstation was down for two wonderful days which was great for me and our quality time but not so great for a man who is addicted to Destiny.

Wearing lots of pajamas with my fuzzy flowered 10 year old grandma robe.  I eat breakfast, run errands and/or work out and then jump into my jammies for the rest of the night.  We made it until after Christmas without the heat.  Which is also the day I thought it was Friday and showed up 24 hours late for yoga on Saturday morning.  I walked right out when I realized I was the only idiot there with a yoga mat and did a yoga DVD at home.  We always have a contest to see who can last the longest without heat and for the second time in a row he broke first.  It's not that I don't get as cold as him it's just that I am more willing to suffer if it will save money.

Cleansing my closet.  It was time and I was finally ready.  I told MJ that I will probably be wearing these same clothes for the next twenty years.  I think I did pretty good, but I still have a lot of clothes and I'm not into shopping for sport anymore so I don't expect my wardrobe to change that much in the near future.  I'll still buy things when needed but I can't add much ESPECIALLY if I'm not willing to part with anything else.  I'm going to make a concerted effort to wear every single thing I own over the next year and if I STILL have things I haven't worn I will re evaluate next year.

Organizing my iPhotos.  After five years my MacBook finally died but not before it was reset to factory settings and wiped in a last ditch effort to save it.  Nothing was not backed up in the time capsule as it was supposed to be.  I got a new one six months ago but, I lost all documents.  MJ was able to recover what I think is most of my pics but they are all just randomly thrown in there with no rhyme or reason.  It's a big project I've been putting off for months

Christmas was different this year being that it was just the two of us but it was still good.  I got everything I wanted plus a few extra's that MJ surprised me with.  That afternoon we went to the movies to see Exodus, which was really good.  See it.  So good!!  Then we went straight to dinner and spent a quiet evening at home.  We intend to do the same for New Year's Eve minus the movie.

I have one more glorious week that remains before it's time to go back to work and I'm going to enjoy it.  Now, to catch up on some blog reading.

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No Holiday Party For You

We didn't go to the holiday party this year. I'm still not sure how I feel about this although I guess I'm okay with it considering I gave up my campaign to go on Wednesday.  I don't even know why I was still trying to get MJ to go at that time when I never had any idea what I was going to wear in the first place.

We ALWAYS go to the company holiday party. Mine is an employee only lunch during the day for my department but his is a THING and we haven't missed one since he started working there.  That's four years of holiday parties and I have documentation for all of them; 2010 here, 2011 here, 2013 here, and 2014 here.  You know you've been blogging a long time when you have to use the search function on your blog to find your own posts.  Normally the party is on a Saturday, there is a cheesy band and we get a hotel room for the night wherever they are having it, but this year they decided to make it a happy hour thing. Two years ago they moved it to January which actually worked out really well and this year they moved it back to December.  On a Friday.  At 4:30pm.  Ugh.  I find it difficult to pass up free drinks and a meal but there is something about a holiday party in December that feels really exhausting when all I can think about is making it to Christmas break.  It finally got cold, it was supposed to rain, I'd have had to get off work early and I figured I wouldn't feel like bothering anyway so I said, "If you don't want to go, we aren't going.  I'm over it."

That Friday we ate carne asada tacos for dinner out of paper containers, drank Bud Light and watched a movie.  The weird thing is that he can't even tell me why he didn't want to go.  He was actually on the committee this year and all he could say is that he wasn't feeling it.

What he was feeling, the second he heard about it was a co-worker's birthday party.  For the last two years this guy has thrown a big birthday bash that we couldn't go to but he had no intention of missing it this year.  And when I think about it, by the time I was one glass of wine in I thought it was a holiday party.  It was downtown so we had to pay for parking just like usual.  There was an open bar on the balcony.  There was a nice little spread of finger foods and snacks.  I'm still wondering what he did with all the furniture.  All of it was removed so there was plenty of space for dancing.  There was a nice sound system playing hit songs from this decade.  I even got to see a ton of music videos on the synchronized TV that I would have never otherwise seen since I still haven't figured out where all the music videos have gone.  That alone was so entertaining I spent the first hour of the party saying things like, "So that's who sings this song."  It was the same crowd too.  The co-worker friends that I see at every company holiday party, dodge ball, and kick ball game of year's past, were there.  And so was MJ.  I'll hang out with that guy almost anywhere; including the ER. 

I think it's safe to say that we had fun.

No, it wasn't THE holiday party, but it's not too hard to convince myself that it was actually better.  I didn't have to feel like a fool dancing to a cover band on an empty dance floor.   I didn't have to shop for a dress or figure out which one I was going to recycle.  There were Costco wraps and chocolate chip cookies which I love and the house wine was a sweet white moscato.  Drink tickets at the company holiday party NEVER include moscato.  Also, I'm not so sure I would have survived going out two nights in a row.  We are on a two party night per year average right now.  Our last one was Las Vegas in August so I figure we will be due for another around June.

The only thing missing was the raffle prizes and we never win those anyway. 

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