I changed my last name at the Social Security office and the DMV and it wasn't until after that I felt an unexpected twinge of loss, sadness even-and I can't quite seem to put my finger on why. After my first marriage I changed my name and never questioned it at any point. Maybe it's because I'm older now? After the divorce I didn't want to go through the trouble of changing it back so I never requested that as part of the divorce decree. I didn't think it would be a big deal to do it later but was shocked and angry to find out that the court wanted to charge me $300 dollars to change it back! I didn't want the hassle at first but it wasn't long before I felt sort of icky having the ex's last name. I needed a fresh start. Fortunately, they eliminated that fee and I felt such sheer relief at getting my own name back that I hardly minded all the phone calls to switch everything out. Again. I vowed never to change it again. It's just too much work and I truly believed I would never marry again anyways. That icky feeling and need to reclaim my maiden name alone tells me that there's something in a name....even though I don't quite know what that something is.
I didn't consider not changing anything. We are married now. I want my name merged with his. Now, if I didn't like his last name I might feel differently. I have a Bachelor's degree in my maiden name but I haven't done anything awesome like write a book or win a Pulitzer prize with it, unless you count winning the Sectional gymnastics championships in high school. Which you don't. Nor have I established any kind of "career reputation" with it. You'd actually have to have a career in order to do that. I don't feel attached to my maiden name for feminist reasons. The basically chauvinistic concept that it is women who are expected to change their names and not men is not lost on me but I accept it. It's certainly not about the principal of it for me. I considered hyphenating but I couldn't really come up with a real reason why I wanted that other then that I felt it would make the transition easier. If I kept both last names then I could interchange between the two seamlessly as needed. I started reading up about how the hyphen can be a problem during name searches and how no matter what you need to use only one official name anyways to prevent any issues down the road. I guess just don't feel adamant enough about retaining my maiden name to go the hyphenated route.
It's hard being two people at once. I don't know who anyone has me on file as. I carried both drivers licenses just in case because all my credit cards didn't match the new license yet and they punched a hole through the expiration date on the old one. The last step was putting in the paperwork at my job-which I still don't think has gone through. Now that I have officially made the change I am actually three people. There are certain things that I don't want to bother with and/or don't even know how to go about switching. What do you do about real estate and property titles? My condo and timeshare are in my old married name. My car title is in my maiden name. I will need to change my passport which will then have a 3rd name amendment added to it. Unfortunately, I don't have any international trips planned so I suppose I can take my time on that one.
Verbally identifying myself as myself with my new last name still feels strange. When they called my name at the doctor's office it was almost like they were calling someone else and when I see it in print it almost takes me by surprise for a second. So what's in a name? I'm still not sure. My maiden name is me. I like it. It's who I have always been. It sounds natural to say it and it's what I am used to. On the other hand, I am honored to take Mj's last name. It feels special for us to share that and it's new but I already like it. I'm sure that I will come to own my new last name and take comfort in it as I do our relationship itself. The reality is that I don't even think I want to be the person I was before I met him. He changed my life for the better and there is no me without him so despite any conflicting feelings and brief sense of identity crisis I might feel as a result I know that it's the right choice for me.
Top Model Girls Are Back
9.15.2010
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| Top Model Hopefuls [photo credit: CWTV.com] |
America's Next Top Model is back and the girls are skinnier then ever. Just looking at these girls makes me feel fat. The prizes for the Cycle 15 winner are better then they have ever been. In addition to the $100,000 Cover Girl contract the winner will also receive an IMG modeling contract and a high fashion layout in Italian Vogue. Normally Tyra throws a plus size model or two in there to shake things up a bit and so far they have made it pretty far with Whitney being the first plus size model ever to win on Cycle 10. This time around there is no plus size model among this gaggle of skinnie minnies. My guess is that Italian Vogue has something to do with that. Glamour Magazine may have gotten on board with size acceptance for their models but I doubt that Italian Vogue is even close to making that leap.
There is already drama going on of course. One girl read the diary of another then soon after admitting that she blatantly invaded her privacy accused her of being a racist. The show features the tallest contestant ever at 6'2" who also has the smallest waist ever. I can only describe this girl as a walking skeleton. Not only might she be too tall for modeling she also might be too skinny. The usual group of characters showed up for their shot as official Top Model cast members. The diva. The shy weird one. The girl with an attitude that won't quit and another who is way too cocky. There are a few small town girls sprinkled in there and even an Ivy League rich girl. There are two mom's and neither one with a single stretch mark to speak of and stomachs that don't look like they ever held a child. Two of the girls are sisters. This cycle also sees the biggest bra size ever with one girl at a 34G. I can't wait to see who cries during the make over episode. There is always at least one.
The season premiere was just last week and the final girls chosen from last week will move into what is sure to be a killer house mansion on tonight's episode so there is still time to tune in and watch the drama unfold. I love this show! I've been watching since Cycle 1. I've got it programmed into my DVR and will be posted up on the couch every Wednesday at 8:00 pm watching from now until the very last photo shoot and runway stomp to the death. A new show called Hell Cats about a College competitive cheer squad comes on right after on the same channel that I can feel myself getting sucked into but the jury is still out on that one.
Like A Woman Possessed
9.13.2010
Like a woman possessed I got into my car on my lunch break and drove to DSW. A couple weeks ago it was The Limited to update my work pants and about a week later I went to Express with a coupon and got some really cute cotton fashion tees. And now this. I don't know what's gotten into me but I'd be lying if I said I'm not enjoying it. I am not typically a habitual shopper but for the third time this month I found myself doing just that. I LOVE DSW shoes and I walked out with not one, not two, but three pairs! What initially brought me in there was the desire need to replace a pair of my tan wedge slides that Mj sort of teases me about wearing because quite frankly, they are ugly. There was a day I thought they were cute but that day has long since been done and gone. It is not uncommon for me to wear ugly items of clothing hanging around my wardrobe simply because I need to wear them with certain outfits and have nothing else to replace it. Terrible I know, but due to financial considerations sometimes budget trumps fashion and like it or not that's just the way it goes.
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| My shoe shopping haul-all on clearance at DSW |
So, getting back to my DSW trip. I checked out the regular priced area and didn't see much so I went back to the clearance section and instead of two rows of last season's rejects I was pleasantly surprised at the huge selection they had in big foot size. Which is a 10. I found a perfect replacement for my ugly tan shoes in a 9.5 for $35.98. Thank goodness they fit and they are so comfortable. The heel height is perfect for me. I can wear them to work and I'll even want to wear them on the weekends. Then, I also found a pair of basic Guess black flip flops for $14.96 which I also feel justified in purchasing because I need a pair for my honeymoon. Now the third pair. Well, the only justification I can come up for those is that comfort is very important to me. There was no way I could pass up these comfortable soft leather moccasin like yet extremely adorable flats. I have lusted after similar flats before. These are B Makowki's and apparently they use really fine leather which must be why they are so comfortable. They were originally $89.94 but like the other two, 40% off so I got them for $59.94. I have a pair of bronze flats that I will likely chuck in favor of these. They aren't very comfortable but I wore them anyhow because it's the only pair I had in that color.
The lady in line before me insisted on removing all shoes from the boxes so she could place them discreetly in a bag to hide her shopping from her husband. I thought that was funny. I know she isn't the only woman out there shopping on the down low. I on the other hand excitedly rush into the house and share my purchases with my husband. He actually gets excited for me when I shop because he knows how often I deny myself things that I want and/or need.
This is new territory for someone who used to make a sport of denying myself simple pleasures and I have to say it feels good. Almost exactly a year ago I went shopping and practically had a nervous breakdown. I became filled with dread over what I had done. My friend and I wore our new boots out of the store so I couldn't take them back. Mj was overseas at the time and when I told him I bought a pair of Uggs I was so upset I burst into tears. I smashed every bit of joy out of getting something nice for myself. Which is ridiculous because I save religiously and have been since I was 16. In lean times it may not have been much but saving has always been a top priority and I certainly know how to do without when the money isn't there. I don't have credit card debt and I take care of bills first. I work hard dammit! I need to allow myself to enjoy things. Within reason of course. Which it is because I am still under the monthly budget that I set for myself. I will not be buying a Louis Vuitton Purse and Anthropologie is still mostly out of the question but a trip to Macy's where I buy a few things or heaven forbid a $140 pair of boots should never feel like the end of the world. I know when to stop.
Budget is the determining factor for everything. I may not like it but I accept that I must live within my means weather I like those means or not. It's been an expensive year. Planning a wedding, turning my condo into a rental property, and buying a house took priority over everything else. We still have our honeymoon and next thing you know it'll be Christmas. After years of shopping with anxiety, many moons of being on total shopping lock down, and more recently shopping just for the house I am finally shopping for me AND enjoying it. It's about time and I love it!!
Cinnamon Biscuits
9.12.2010
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| They taste even better then they look |
Cinnamon biscuits was a childhood breakfast favorite for me and my big sis. Once I finally gave in and decided to try them that is. I don't know where the recipe came from but we really loved them as kids. Many Saturday mornings we would get in the kitchen and make and devour them together. I don't think I've eaten them since I moved out of my parents house. It's been a long time. Over the last few years I've mentioned to Mj how good they are. "If they're so good then why don't you make 'em for me?" So, I finally did this morning. I introduced this yummy childhood favorite to my husband and needless to say he's a fan too. They are so delicious. It's like this warm buttery cinnamony sugar explosion in your mouth. You definitely won't find it on the weight watchers menu so don't even try.
This just so happens to be the only thing I can make without a recipe. They are just that simple and quick. I measure out the butter, cinnamon and sugar just by eye balling it. Here is how you make it in case anyone wants to give it a try. We've always made them for breakfast but they really could be dessert too.
Ingredients:
- Pre cut Biscuit dough-1 Can Pilsbury
- Butter 2 Tbsp
- Sugar 2/3 Cup
- Cinnamon 1 1/2 Tbsp
I used I can't believe it's Not Butter but there is no sugar coating it-excuse the pun. Even that can't detract from the fact that I am eating biscuits coated in butter, sugar and Cinnamon. They are definitely a guilty pleasure and means I can eat....uh not much else for the rest of the day! It was definitely worth it though. I am certain that I should work out after such decadence to burn it off but I'm not really in the mood for it....when am I ever? With my bikini filled honeymoon coming up..... lets just say I won't be making a habit out of this.
Wedding Wednesday: Pro Pics in The Park
9.08.2010
[July 10, 2010] So, without further ado I will start with the pro pics we took in the park before the ceremony. When I first saw Mj in his tux walking towards me outside the hotel I started to cry. He looked so handsome. This was the first of many unexpected tears of joy throughout the day. Originally we weren't going to go to this park even though they have some of the most beautiful backdrops in our city. This park is huge and always bustling with activity. There is always something going on there and I didn't think we had time to deal with traffic or parking. I told the photographer we'd meet him at a less grand but closer to our hotel park. "Do you trust me?" Mj asked. "Don't worry. Schedule the shoot at the park and I will arrange the transportation." And arrange it he did. We were whisked away in a shiny black limo.
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| I felt like a star stepping out of the limo |
We were supposed to meet the photographer at 2:00 pm but after such a rushed and crazy morning we were just making our way into the park at 2:30pm. Our photographers tracked us down and started snapping pics as soon as we got out. I had to force myself to calm down and stop being frazzled and worried about the time so we could just relax and take some good pics. It was actually fun walking around the park as bride and groom. Every few steps we'd get a "congratulations" by some passersby and definitely attracted attention. This is a very popular photo destination. So many times I have seen pretty young girls in elaborate quinceanera dresses and glowing brides with their dashing grooms in tow at this very park. It was so exciting that this time it was us. We were that couple and it was OUR wedding day. I really wish we'd had more time but I glad we got to do it at all. We didn't do engagement photos. And why not have as many pics as possible in our wedding day finery? It's not like we get to dress like this very often ever.
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| Such gorgeous architecture in the background |
I am really pleased with the pictures. We look happy and the backgrounds are amazing. We guzzled some champagne in the limo on the way back and got ready for the next part of our day. The Ceremony.
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