6.20.2014

Six Things

I am bursting right now. Do you ever feel like you just have so many thoughts and so many things to say but you just can't get it all out in the way that it feels in your heart? Well, that's me right now. That's me a lot of times really. I love writing and I like to think I don't suck at it but there are times when I feel that I can't find the words. So I'm going to just do sort of a rambly this is what's on my mind kind of post.

I finished my novel last week.  I started a post to describe the whole experience and then I couldn't find the words to describe how it felt so it's still sitting in my drafts.  For now, suffice it to say the damn thing is finished and I'm still not really sure how I feel about it.  Extremely happy for one, but also confused because I'm getting closer to that point where I have to decide if I want anyone to read it.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=as_li_qf_sp_sr_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&index=aps&keywords=pink%20Harbinger%20149%20Women%27s%20Pro%20Wash%20%26%20Dry%20Weight%20Lifting%20Gloves&linkCode=ur2&tag=pinksuns-20&linkId=CISTUZY3MOAJMZ5Y
My first work out gloves
I started a new exercise and meal plan this week and I'm feeling really good about it. Part of myself is still in denial and I may or may not admit it again but if I'm being totally honest with myself the truth is that I've struggled with an eating disorder for about 10 years.  Wow.  That sounds crazy when you still don't really want to believe that you ever had a problem.  I don't talk about it much to anyone and even when I do I don't use that word.  Eating disorder is such a loaded word for me and I'm very conflicted about it.  I never felt like I'd truly "earned" the title.  No, it's not something to aspire to but I think anyone who has ever had ED issues would understand what I mean.  I try to deny it because I wasn't 85 lbs in a hospital bed but it's not the 80's anymore and we are more aware of the fact that eating disorders come in all types, shapes, sizes and colors.  When you don't fit the typical ED mold it makes it even that much easier to pretend you don't have a problem.  I pretty much hate my body no matter what size I am and my relationship with food has been really unhealthy.  I'm working really hard to change those old habits.  Right now that means having someone help me learn how to eat more calories consistently the right way so that's what I'm doing.  I'm also going to be shifting my focus from cardio to strength training.  This should help fix my metabolism AND I kinda want to see how buff I can get!! Mainly I just want to be fit AND healthy.  This is still all very new and I don't know how it's all going to end up but I'm really going to give it a chance.  So that's my deep dark secret and it feels good to get it out.

My husband is totally and completely amazing.  He bought me my very first pair of work out gloves (link HERE)and he got them in Pink.  Because PINK!  I love them.  He's also made me all of my chicken for the week and is making me more tonight so I can eat dinner.  I fall more and more in love with this man the longer I know him and feel so incredibly fortunate that he came into my life when he did.

My laptop is fixed.  Well, as of last night it should be and I'm gong to start using it again and see how it goes.  My personal tech support guy also known as my husband has been working on it for the last few weeks and even before that he replaced the battery and added more memory.  It still had issues so we went to the genius bar.  Mr. Genius Bar Man ran a diagnostic and said we should  wipe it and reset to factory settings.  "Is your computer backed up?"  he asked.  I just looked at MJ and shrugged because he's in charge of the time capsule.  I don't trust the time capsule.  I don't understand what the heck that thing actually is but MJ assured him that it had backed everything up and it was okay to delete.  Turns out I was right not to trust it.  There was a glitch and  my  pictures, my documents, my iTunes and everything else that had gone into my laptop over the last five years was gone baby gone.  The good news is that Mr. Sexy Personal Tech Support Guy believes that he has recovered everything and I'm going to have lost of fun sorting through it all this weekend.  Didn't I just say how amazing he is?  This means I get to hold off on buying another Mac for a little while longer.

The countdown to vacation is on.  We'll be jetting off to Cancun in a week.  As you all know I was devastated about screwing up on the booking but I made a full recovery and now I just can't wait to get there.  Commence the pre vacation anxiety.  I don't have any plans next week except working out and catching up on TV shows.  I am such a nervous wreck before vacation so all I have room for is focusing on packing and making sure I have everything I need.  I have already started To Do/To Get lists.

I only had five things but it turned into six because I have to mention this.  Blogger has somehow duplicated this post even as I write it!!  I don't know what's going on but I was writing my post as usual and then when I saved there were two identical drafts of the same post even though I only did one!!  Every time I update one the other one updates the same way once I hit refresh.  I feel like something like this has happened before and when I deleted the "duplicate" it deleted both and I lost everything.  As a precaution I saved the entire post into word before I deleted the extra just in case.  Weird.


19 comments :

A Life Less Traveled said...

I have someone close to me who has suffered from an eating disorder and no one would guess it. How brave of you to open up about it.

cashanamusings said...

Congratulations on finishing your novel. I need to get back to doing weights more than once a month too. Sharing your eating disorder is brave and working on it as well. You never know who you may help with your honesty. Wishing you the best!

Faith said...

So excited that you finished your novel, I'm sure it is amazing!

I never would have thought you had an ED and you are so, so brave to share. I hope that with your new plan you are able to stick to it. I think you're on the right track though because it takes so much to admit something like that. I'm cheering from you from over here :)

And Cancun, so, so jealous! I love Cancun. Have the best time and take lots and lots of pictures for me! I'm thinking you know how much I love travel posts!

Discovery Street said...

First, yay! congrats on finishing your novel! that's amazing. Two...i think it's wonderful you shared about your ED. When I was younger I struggled with body dysmorphia and had a very unhealthy relationship with food. Ironically getting pregnant (which was a huge fear because of the weight gain) helped change my perspective on my body and now I think what women's bodies can do is pretty amazing.

Lauren W said...

So exciting that you finished your novel! I would definitely read it! :)

Janna Renee said...

It's not your fault that you have a bad relationship with food! I think all of us do based on our culture. I know I have struggled at times, and learning how to fuel my body and not focusing on cardio is a HUGE step in the right direction. You go girl! About the novel, I squealed when you announced you finished it. I'm so super jealous and so proud of you!

Law_Fal said...

Congrats on finishing the novel! And I know you are in full countdown mode for the vacation! I need to go somewhere soooooonnnnnnnnn....

Ameena said...

I'm sorry to hear about your eating disorder, I had no idea.

But you have so many good things in the post as well! Congrats on your book, so happy for you. And your vacation is going to be fabulous. You deserve a splurge. Enjoy C!

Catherine Gacad said...

cannot wait to read your novel! more importantly, enjoy your vacation. well-deserved :)

hya21 said...

It's stating the obvious but I am always amazed at how much you don't know just by looking at a person. I'm happy that you're working through your disorder and wish you luck on your new plan. I've been doing a combination of cardio and strength for a while now and it seems to be working out.
Anyway, enjoy your vacation!

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for two years now and I've never commented on your blog. This is actually my first time leaving a comment on any of the blogs I read. I just wanted to encourage you as you pursue treatment for your eating disorder. It was so bold of you to announce it to the world!! Your bravery has really inspired me to make some changes in my life and in how I relate to food. I wish you all the happiness in the world and that God will give you His strength in all you do!

Whitney @ EHFAR said...

Congrats on finishing your novel!

The Girl who Loved to Write said...

CONGRATULATIONS on your novel! What an accomplishment!

jackie jade said...

so sorry to hear about your body struggles. hopefully you can change things up and work on becoming healthier, both physically and emotionally! thanks for sharing with us. and have the best time ever on your upcoming vaca and congrats about the book too!

Jenny said...

Ahhh!! Congrats on finishing your novel!! What's it about? I wrote one as well even went as far as having a few friends read it but never went through and polished it. Cannot decide if i want to put all the work in on this novel and attempt to publish so I know how you are feeling. Would love to read yours one day, though!!!

Anonymous said...

It's very brave of you to share your struggles with your ED. It's unfortunate how much shame comes with having an eating disorder you should be proud of yourself for speaking up about it...you've made the first and most important step (admitting it) and you can only get better from here. I hope you seek the help that you need and embark on a journey of self care and total self love and appreciation. Sadly, unhealthy language is normalized and even encouraged in regards to food in our culture which not only encourages unhealthy relationships with food but also makes identifying ED's that much trickier. I wish you the best and CONGRATS on completing your novel!

Tami said...

Cheers to you for finishing your novel! And ugh- computer issues are THE WORST. My laptop broke months ago and I haven't fixed it because I feel like my life is less stressful without it!

Helene in Between said...

OMG!! finished your novel! that is a HUGE deal!! way to go!

Whitney Cypert said...

Your novel!! Yes, you definitely want people to read it! : ) Well, atleast I hope you do because I want to read it lol. But, selfishness aside, you do what you want to do with it. I think it's completely awesome that you started and completed a full novel! Go Cece! Go Cece! : )

I love that you shared about your eating disorder, or whatever you want to call it. It just goes to show that people struggle with things that you never would've guessed. I struggle with what I eat and the feelings that come along with it, thought maybe in a different way than you do. I'm proud of you for sharing that and for planning a new meal plan/exercise routine. I'm betting that you can get pretty buff!

Oh, Cancun. Jealous of that for sure. That's where G and I got married! : )

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