Long Awaited Visit With My Fiance

 I couldn't have asked for a better visit. In a word, it was perfect and the main reason for that is simply because we were together. I was excited but also nervous while I waited for him at the airport but the moment I spotted him and gave him a big hug the nerves melted away and we picked up right where we left off. I couldn't take my eyes off of him that first night. It was so amazing to me that he was right in front of me in the flesh and not a flat image in my computer. I could actually touch him. He upgraded to business class on the international leg of his flight so he was actually pretty well rested when he got here.

We spent three nights in Vegas. We stayed at Polo Towers in The Villas. Our room was so nice!! Full kitchen, living area, flat screens, and dual sinks in the marble bathroom. The first night was our party night. We did Karaoke night at Imperial palace. I did two songs and thanks to the Tequila felt like quite the star even though my actual singing voice told a completely different story. MJ was sweet enough to do one song even though he actually hates Karaoke. We finished off the night at the Shadow Bar in Caesar's Palace. Night two was a delicious Italian dinner at Zefferino's where the service was impeccable and then we saw Blue Man Group. I didn't know it rained in Vegas! We had to take a cab back to our hotel so we wouldn't get soaked. Our last night we just wanted to relax so we hung out at the pool, watched a DVD in our hotel and ordered room service. Staying in, going out-we had just as much fun either way. What happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas-the good times continued back at home. We did a picnic by the beach and met some of his friends for happy hour among other things. Everyday with him was just as wonderful if not more then the one before it.

I still get a little teary eyed when I think about how yesterday he was here and today he is not. I slept better then ever every night he was here and after just one night without him the insomnia is back. I started missing him exactly two seconds after I had to say good bye. I treasured every single moment that we spent together and now the countdown starts up all over again but this time instead of 6 1/2 months it's only 3 1/2. The worst part is over and when he comes home next time it will be for good.

My Cyber Fiance

We decided to get married and then he left the country. I haven't felt his touch since December 27, 2008. I finally meet the man of my dreams and just as quickly he is snatched away. Our whirlwind adventure of amazing dates, getting to know each other and falling madly in love was to be rudely interrupted. One minute I'm day dreaming about what it would be like to marry him and the next I find out he is leaving for what feels like forever. I knew he was in the Army National Guard but that's just one weekend a month and two weeks during the summer right? Well, not exactly. Apparently, at any time a soldier can be fully activated and just like that life as you know it comes to a screeching halt ready or not.

He jokes with me that I was "difficult" and I have to say in a lot of ways I agree. I was kind of a tough cookie to crumble. That independent streak that I'd wrapped around myself with pride was being challenged like never before. My mind kept telling me that I didn't deserve him. My heart on the other hand was telling me something entirely different. Being sad and lonely was painful but comfortable in it's familiarity. It was a constant. It was what I knew. It was expected and like it or not I accepted it as my fate. I didn't believe I was good enough for anything better. I still say that if it were any other person it would not have been enough. His winning smile and his incredible personality melted my resolve. I had to be brought to a place where my heart could not be ignored. A place where I choose myself over my sadness and fear of letting him down. He was absolutely the one who could take me there. I am a tortured soul and It would be a huge mistake for someone who has everything going for him to end up with a woman like me. Don't help me, don't get too close or be too kind. I am so glad he didn't listen. He loved me and and nothing I said or did made him run and so eventually I followed. I followed my heart and it led me to a future I never thought could be mine. One that doesn't have a clouds and misery lurking around every corner. One in which I am as deserving of happiness and love as anyone else.

Since he left for Kosovo our plans have come to an abrupt halt. All we can do is love each other as hard as we can from a distance while we look forward to our future together. He goes to bed on my lunch break and wakes up when I am going to bed. I burn through my Whenever minutes like they are going out of style and Skype is is my new best friend. I feel lucky that I get to talk to him daily and cyber date him on the weekends. Watching him fall asleep inside my computer is the highlight of my day and thoughts of the moment when he will fall asleep beside me keeps me going. We met in March of last year and knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together by November. The good news is that after 6 1/2 months I finally get to see him. The bad news is that after 12 blissful days of togetherness he will have to leave. He may be my Cyber Fiance right now but in the not so distant future he will be my Real Life Husband and all I can say is....I can't wait for what happens next.

We Are Family

I load my bags into the back seat of my car and get in. I honk once like I always do as I make my U turn. They watch from the doorway. Two dark silhouettes outlined by the bright lights coming from inside the house. They wave and then close the door against the dark chilly night. There is a lump in my throat but it isn’t caused by sadness. I round the corner as I have done so many times before and the shadow of my childhood home rushes by me on the left and disappears behind me into the darkness. I set off on my drive home and quietly reflect on just how lucky I am. Those two people waving at me from the doorway are my parents and I have never once had reason to question their love for me or mine for them. It’s always been that way and the notion that I am very fortunate to have that is not lost on me. My two sisters are pretty great too. One is a creative fashionista going to College in the North and the other my beautiful and kind big sis who has re located to the South. I grew up with my big sister and her moving out of state has not shaken our closeness one bit. I take delight in seeing the poised and responsible young woman that my little sister has become. The painfully shy little gymnast flipping around the house is all grown up. I can’t wait to see what amazing things she is going to accomplish in her life. We are so very different and yet our parents girls and therefore the same. No matter how much space and time comes between us we will always have that sisterly bond.


My parents don’t live too far and I try to make sure to go up there regularly to visit. I am the only one of their girls who still can. My mom and I spend time together as any two best friends might. There was happy hour and the movies Saturday, shopping on Sunday, and plenty of just hanging out and talking in between. I couldn't ask for a better mother or friend. I am not sure why it never occurred to me before to ask but just before I left on Sunday night I wanted my parents to tell me the story of how they met. I could tell my dad was trying to fight the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he re counted the story of meeting my mom at a club in Detroit. His gruff exterior melts away as they take me along with them down memory lane. I can see how much they love each other in their exchanged glances as they smile at each other and chime in with their version of the events as they unfolded over 35 years ago. I try to picture my dad as the cool "older man." The handsome fit military man my mom describes him as and my mom as a young mother barely 20 years old. I should be so lucky to have so many years of marriage and shared experiences with my husband. There are so many secrets and history that I could never begin to understand that has kept their bond strong through the ups and downs of life and marriage. I know it hasn't been easy. My dad has not always been the easiest man to love. He is his own person. With time comes acceptance and understanding. His heart has always been in the right place and we love him as he is. As they speak of their early days my memory is jogged as fragmented and vague images of my childhood dart in and out of my mind so fast that they never fully materialize. A huge gold Oldsmobile with vinyl quilted seats, long cramped family road trips all the way to Michigan. A faded red door with peeling paint from a long ago house we used to live in. Just bits and pieces here and there but enough for me to know that I had a good childhood. I wish I could remember more. They were so very young when they started this family. I am grateful for all of the years of work and love that went into making a home for my sister’s and me.

My family is imperfect as all families and people are but we love each other and want the best for each other. That is what family is all about. There are people all over the world who were beaten, neglected, forgotten or otherwise unloved by the people that you most expect to love you unconditionally and I feel lucky that I haven’t ever had to experience that kind of pain. My parents have watched me grow over the years from a girl scout in pigtails with missing front teeth into the woman I am today. I’d like to think that I have made them proud. My parents and my sisters have always been there for me and I am comforted by the certainty that no matter what, they always will be. Just as I will always be there for them.