9 Funny First Date Dont's

Anyone else watching Married at First Sight?  If you aren't don't start.  It's addicting.  If you are, then you know it is a train wreck you can't look away from and that season four  appears to be the biggest disaster of them yet so far.  Each season there are three couples and out of the nine couples who have gone through the entire process only two actually worked out.  Two couples from season one are still married.  This was before all the people came out of the wood works trying to get paid for being on a hit TV show.  I think that is only one part of why these marriages aren't working.  The other part is that meeting someone sight unseen, marrying them, honeymooning, and moving in together in six weeks is just slightly insane!  Throw in cameras and "relationship experts" that could be matching for ratings and it's no wonder that most of the relationships crash and burn.

People are complicated.  So, so very complex.  I still think it's kind of a miracle that you can even find one person on this earth that you want to spend the rest of your life and with whom you can maintain a healthy happy relationship.  There are so many big things and so many little things to consider.  Some people can't even make it past one date and that is the main topic of this post.

I am obsessed with this morning radio segment called Second Try or is it Good-Bye that tries to get second dates for people, or at the very least find out why they got ghosted.  Most of the callers do not get that second date.  It seems that once people have made up their mind that they don't want to date someone it's hard to change it. 

This is the latest list of first date dont's.  The first set is here.  It's pretty funny.

1.  Don't post every single detail of your magical date and prince charming like kiss on Facebook.  Your date deserves not to have everything that happened (even if it was really good) outlined across social media.  YES, she got a second date with the agreement that she would be more discreet in the future.

2.  Don't tell the waitress it's her birthday inviting staff to rush the table and sing Happy Birthday when it's not her birthday.  She may or may not be comfortable with that type of charade and you don't know her well enough to know either way.  He realized that might be a bit uncomfortable for someone, and agreed not to do it again.  YES, to a second date.

3.  Don't invite someone over if your DVR is 90% full, your sheets are in a twisted lump because you didn't make the bed, and the sink is full of dirty dishes. This is a reflection of who you are as a person and 'aint nobody got time for that.  NO second date. 

4.  Don't invite a date in for some sexy time when there are stuffed animals covering your entire bed.  So many that you have to spoil the mood transferring them to another location to make room so they can stare at you with their beady stuffed animal eyes while you get hot and heavy.  It turns out some women find men with that many stuffed animals on display creepy. NO second date.

5.  Don't ambush him with "meet the parents" on your very first date.  This makes him feel set up and like he's being tested before he's even had a chance to date you.  She explained that it is a spot they frequent regularly.  She chose it so she would feel comfortable, not because she expected her parents would show up, and she would have felt rude not inviting them to join the date.  YES, second date accepted.

6.  Don't interrupt a romantic stroll on the beach to get your entire face painted like a tiger by a street artist.  It's just kind of weird when you are just getting to know someone, and now your date has to be seen with a half man half tiger.  NO second date.

7.  Don't wax poetic about your future yellow couch, in your future living room when you have literally just met.  It's a little intense.  What if he doesn't like yellow?  NO second date.

8.  Don't be rude to your waiter.  Furthermore, when you are called out on it don't admit that you have no problem with "putting someone in their place" when you feel it is appropriate.  This guy was clearly a major jerk.  Her date said the waiter was flirting and interjecting himself into their conversation and for those crimes he absolutely deserved to be treated like an intruder and did not deserve a tip.  NO second date.

9.  Don't choose a burger joint for your first date, order a salad and pair it with two jars of baby food stashed in your purse.  I totally get being health conscious.  I ordered a salad on our first date, but I do think the baby food is a bit much for a first date.  In her defense, she explained that baby food has less preservatives and she simply likes to maintain a fit lifestyle.  The guy was a real piece of work though because he kept making really rude jokes about how when you are on a diet you wouldn't eat dog food so why baby food and kept running his mouth, so that they couldn't even have a mature conversation about it.  She's better off without him anyway.  NO second date.

Good thing those people weren't on a weird reality show called married at first date.  Most of the offenses aren't that bad and are probably just things that shouldn't happen when people are forming first impressions and trying to decide if they like each other or not.  I dismissed people for far less when I was dating, and lucky for me I didn't do anything on our first date that sent MJ running for the hills. 

 
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When Your Husband Gets His Own Apartment

It's a bit unsettling when you find out that your husband is getting his own fancy apartment.  It's weird to think of him paying rent on a separate home, sleeping on sheets I will never wash, while living in a place I may never see.  A place that is not our house where we live, together.  I've been replaced with a weekly cleaning lady so I think he's going to come home more spoiled then he left.  I know it's because of work and is only temporary, but still.  It's kinda weird that he's living the downtown high rise pedestrian lifestyle dream in a faraway city without me.

A photo posted by Cece (@mahoganydrive) on Jul 30, 2016 at 7:32pm PDT

You'd think I would have been prepared when he left, but nope.  I wasn't.  Not prepared at all, because emotional limbo is no kind of preparation at all.  It's one thing to be told something is happening, but until you have a date being strung along for seven months causes nothing but turmoil.  I went on two trips, not really knowing for sure if he'd still be there when I got back.  Any day now. He's still here.  Departure date unknown.  He's still here.  The 15th.  He's still here.  Any week now.  He's still here.  No information, no news, no date.  He's still here.  Next Friday.  He's still here.  My friend said, well at least you have a date now, but what she didn't understand is that we've had several dates since January and yet...he's still here.   He got paid to sit in his bean bag for the month of January, and had his last day of work twice and went back by the time he finally left.  Of course I was thrilled to have him as long as I could, but the uncertainty and the inability to plan was maddening.  I quit working out after I got back from Vegas.  I just wanted to be around him.  I didn't want to be rushing from work to home to exercise to shower to dinner to bed during his last days here.  We finally got word from the Army, that he was leaving for real for real, just days before he hopped on a plane.  And of course it fell on a day I was supposed to be out of town.  I mean, who can realistically pack up their life to live abroad with a few days notice and not lose their mind?  Not me.  Oh no.  Not me, but fortunately I'm not the one who had to do it and MJ keeps it cool.  Somehow he keeps his wits about him and gets on with it, meanwhile I'm an angry hot mess over the entire situation.

He finally gets to book a flight and then it gets canceled.  Now he is leaving in the afternoon instead of the morning so I can't even drop him off at the airport.  Had I known he was leaving that day I wouldn't have made plans to be in L.A. all day, but nobody could give us that key piece of information until it was too late.  Skipping it would have given me about four extra hours with MJ and allowed me to take him to the airport, but then what?  The outcome is the same.  My husband is leaving.  The good-bye will happen, and there is no getting around it.  So I left for LA as late as I could and cherished the time we had together that morning.  I think it was harder saying good-bye at home because we didn't have the TSA airport drop off rules nudging us along.  I had to walk out of the house, leave him there, get in my car, drive away, and when I got home he would poof be gone.  So I hit the road for LA.  I watched my cousin perform in a three hour long Debbie Allen Dance Academy Summer Intensive recital and enjoyed dinner with my family.  I was just fine, until I walked in the door and burst into tears because he left Kohl's cash for me on the counter.  Then I cried when I smelled fresh Island breeze scent because he plugged in the wall flowers we picked out at Bath & Body Works yesterday before our last date night.  Pizza.  His choice.  Then I cried some more because the laundry was folded, and just when I thought I couldn't possibly cry any harder I cried because he left the sweetest handwritten note on my nightstand.  He was long gone by the time I got home last night, but I could still feel his presence.  He was just here.

The downtown bachelor pad

Timing is tricky because Germany is nine hours ahead, but we text all we want on WhatsApp for free and I look forward to Face Time.  I'm not the type that needs to talk to him daily, but I do need proof of life every other day and get ansty if I don't get to see his face for too long.  I need a picture, Face Time.  Something.  When we stay connected in some way I can kind of pretend we are still hanging out.  Like, maybe he's not really living in his very own bachelor pad in another country 6,000 away.

One month down, four to go...unless they need him to stay longer.  But of course we won't have an answer on that for a while.

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16 First Date Don'ts

I meant to post this a few weeks ago, but I went off on this tangent about how I fell in love with MJ at Souplantation on our 3rd date, and it turned into that post instead.  Then, we went to Temecula Wine Country, and I blogged about that, then work got busy and I was too tired to even read blogs let alone write a post, then the longer you go without blogging the easier it is to...not blog.

Anyway.

I listen to this radio segment called Second Try or is it Good-Bye? on Channel 94.1 that usually comes on during my commute to work.  I don't even get mad about traffic those days because it means I won't miss the conclusion.  If I hear the first part I have to know what happens! The basic idea is that people who have been jilted after a first date call in to see if the radio station can find out why, and/or try to get them a second date.  When it first started, I couldn't believe they were going to embarrass people like that on the radio.  So cringe worthy! So awkward!  I mean, how sad for a person to hear why another person doesn't like them and never wants to see them again blasted over the radio.  I certainly wouldn't have the guts to call in for that information and be publicly rejected.  It's still very awkward when people get all defensive or if it turns into an argument, but I've gotten used to it and now I just  look forward to the juicy details.

I am very fascinated by relationships in general, which is why it's no surprise that I love Married at First Sight.  Never mind how it's gone off the deep end.   I find it so interesting to see how relationships are as unique as the individuals themselves and how each person introduces personality and viewpoints that have such a huge impact on whether the relationship works, or doesn't even start.  First impressions are huge and some things are deal breakers.  The track record is not good.  Most people don't get second dates.

And here you have it, 16 things not to do on a first date as discovered by single people of San Diego.  Single or married, it's a fun read.

1.  Don't talk excessively, non-stop and exclusively about Music.  This probably goes for anything.  It's okay to be passionate about it and excited that you share something in common, but if she has no clue who you are because you made her listen to song after song on your phone and sang a few of them at the top of your lungs you are probably overdoing it. YES

2.  Don't hate excessively on the restaurant that your date chooses.  You never know if it is owned by one of her family members.  Even if it isn't there is no need to make your date feel bad with a running commentary of everything you hate about it. NO

3.  Don't hate excessively on children, even if you are out at night in an adult atmosphere.  I get it.  As a single and ready to mingle kind of person, riding an elevator in your skin tight party dress with a few toddlers is probably not your cup of tea.  A comment is no big deal, but refrain from complaining and expressing how insulted you are over it the entire night.   Kids are part of the world and your date may be part of a gigantic Italian family with kids everywhere, and very accepting of them even if you aren't. NO

4.  Don't order any fun foods that might might get attention at restaurants.  Stay away from sizzling fajitas or big ass Margaritas the size of your head or else your date may think that you are an attention monger just like his ex girlfriend. NO

5.  Don't wear too much over the top make up when he's already seen you at the gym looking perfect as ever au natural.  If you show up with fake lashes, show girl make-up, tons of jewelry, and a short tight dress he might feel like he's dating an entirely different girl than the one he asked out. YES

6.  Don't make too much money and choose a restaurant for the first date that is way out of his price range.  If he's a barista, and you are a lawyer it is not going to work.  He's tried it before and he knows that at some point your friends and family will be talking crap behind his back and he doesn't want to go through that again. NO

7.  Don't spit on the ground excessively.  I think a gal can understand if you are sick with a cold or just happen to have a bit of phlegm that can't wait, but do not spit consistently throughout the date.  It's really a turn off. NO

8.  Don't stalk your date on every form of social media and then talk to him about things that you would only know if you had done that.  It might make a cute story after  you've  been together for a while, but on your first date.  Creepy.  When you express concern over this don't be surprised if he says, "Well, good luck dating people who don't like you." NO

9.  Don't insist that your dog is basically the same thing as a child. Don't claim that you understand her struggle as a single mom because you are single and  you have a dog.  If she insists that it's actually different, don't dig in your heels and say that it's the same exact thing, because you also have to get a babysitter when you go out of town or on a date. NO

10.  Don't talk about all the hot guys you've dated. Name dropping is also not necessary.  You might think it is making you appear more desirable and amazing, but it gives the impression that you are superficial, and it makes him feel insecure and like he couldn't possibly measure up to the hunks that have kissed your lips. NO
 
11.  Don't invite your ex boyfriend to join you while you are on your first date with another guy, if you happen to see him sitting alone at the bar. NO

12.  Don't assume that just because you blew up the bathroom with your unexpected and totally inconvenient post dinner poops after she invited you into her tiny apartment for a drink that she never wants to talk to you again.  She and her roommate were not laughing at you, and don't  find you the most disgusting person on earth.  They actually had no idea that it even happened.  YES

13.  Don't drop your phone in the toilet, switch to a temporary flip phone, and lose her number. YES

14.  Don't be "just a bartender" when your date is only interested in men with an established career or actively pursuing an established career.  You might find out later, that he is actually in grad school and change your mind when he calls into a radio station to find out why you didn't want a second date, but by then it's too late because he's already extremely offended by your attitude.  NO

15.  Don't spend half the date talking on the phone to your twelve year old daughter who is perfectly capable and self sufficient.  He may think that you don't have room in your life for a man right now.   YES

16.  Don't deny being a smoker when you pick him up in your car that reeks of cigarette smoke.  All the mints in the world won't hide the taste of tobacco when he goes in for a good-night kiss.  Smoking can be a deal breaker and even though you say you would be willing to quit for the right person, you've already shown yourself to be a liar.  NO

Only 5 out of 16 got second dates proving once again that first impressions really are everything.  Make it count. 
  

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40 Years

Me and the rents on my wedding day

I don't know the origins of it but there are designated traditional wedding gifts for every anniversary year from 1-75.  I don't think I'll live long enough to be with my husband for 75 years but if by some miracle I did, then I know that our gift to each other that year is supposed to be diamonds.  Year 3 is leather, year 6 is candy, year 15 is crystal and year 30 is pearls.  According to the list year 40 is a Ruby.  My parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary and a month ago my mom was thisclose to giving my dad a kidney.  Now that is off the charts awesome in terms of a gift right?  An organ from your very own body is way more precious then diamonds.  It is the ultimate gift of life and health.  My mom was a match and right in the middle of the testing process.  It turns out she didn't have to donate but she was willing and ready to do it.  

On October 24th they got the call.  My mom picked up the phone and the lady said, "Does your husband still want a kidney?"  My mom said, "YES."  A donor kidney had finally became available and by 7:00am they were at the hospital and my dad was getting tested and prepped for transplant surgery.  It took longer then we thought it would; about 5 hours.  My dad pulled through with flying colors.  He was in ICU for a day then got moved to his regular room.  Just one week after surgery he got to go home.  The doctors said the kidney was "lazy."  My dad was really disappointed to still have to do dialysis even after the long awaited healthy kidney but we hoped that it would start doing it's job very soon and it did.  On November 9th he was taken off of dialysis.  No more would he have to spent 4 hours a day 3 days a week hooked up to a machine to do what his kidneys no longer would.  He actually has three kidneys now.  Turns out they actually leave the non working ones in and just add the new one. 

Now there are doctors appointments several days a week and a stock pile of pills that need to be taken in addition to his insulin.  My mom took off work and has been right there by his side taking care of him and helping him manage just as she has been through this entire process.  Just as she has been for the last 40 years.  In sickness and in health, through good times and bad.  I can't count how many times I shook my head in anger over things that were going on in that relationship but my mom's love for him has never wavered; and despite actions that may speak to the contrary neither has his for her.  My mom is as forgiving as she is generous and my dad is as loveable as he is stubborn.  When you love someone like that you will do anything to save their life.  You are selfless if a little selfish because not only will you do what it takes to make sure that person is okay but you also can't bear to imagine a world in which they do not exist and want to keep them with you.  My dad feels healthier and more energetic then he has in a long while.  He needs to keep up the exercise and eating right.  This is a new lease on life and he need not waste it.  Not only for himself but for the people who love him.  I don't like to think of my parents getting older.  For my whole life they've just always been there and that's how I want it to stay.   I'd like to think that they will be here forever.  Just as I'd like to think that my husband and my sisters and anybody else I care about will be too.   

Forty years with Mj.  I'm all signed up...I just don't want it to fly by too fast.  The 40 year anniversary traditional gift is Ruby, the modern day gift is a Garnet and if he needed an organ I would give it to him.  What will we look like in 40 years?  What kind of twists and turns will our relationship have taken?  How many date nights, weekend getaways and movie nights will there have been?  How many disagreements?  Life is just so precious.  And so is love.  We are not promised tomorrow so while we are here we need to be thankful for what we have, live and love as hard as we can, while we still can.  

Maintaining the Magic

On our wedding day

There are so many unhappy marriages in this world.  I don't have statistics but I venture to guess that for every happy and loving marriage there are at least five pairs of miserable dysfunctional marriages that are on the verge of collapse or already have.  I should know.  I used to be in one of them.  I am glad to say that my newly minted marriage is alive and well.  We love and respect each other.  The lines of communication are open and we have fun.  But for everyone of those marriages that are falling apart many of them started out just like us.  Happy, loving, affectionate.  Madly in love.  It is a huge reminder to me that although I know that Mj is the right person for me we are not just going to magically stay as in love as we are now forever without effort.  I think it's so important to put forth the effort and be conscious of that now when things are good to avoid having to try to do it later in a relationship that has been allowed to unravel into disrepair.

Dating Mj was such fun.  Our first date was dinner and even though it was also my first time meeting him I felt comfortable right away.  He planned our second one which was an all day date that included lunch, go cart racing and kite flying.  After the third date I was hooked.  I fed off of his energy and he showered me with gifts, love and all kinds of fun outings.  Learning new things about each other all the time was thrilling especially because the more I found out the more perfect he seemed for me.  Every time we were together was like a new adventure.  Issues and problems that we'd had with previous partners were a thing of the past.  Everything was different now that we'd found each other and it felt wonderful.  Every kiss, every touch, every time I got to see him was magic.

That was 3 1/2 years ago and we are 1 year into marriage.  We are no longer in that euphoric exciting fun filled newly dating and falling in love phase anymore.  That phase only happens when you are newly dating and falling in love and seeing as how we are no longer newly dating and have already fallen in love that phase of our relationships is over.  We still have fun but now our relationship has a whole new dimension to it.  We live together.  We have bills to pay.  I get to wash his dirty gym clothes and he gets to listen to me complain about him not putting his keys and sunglasses in the brown basket.  While we might not know everything there is to know about one another we know quite a bit and so that discovery process has slowed down.  Still, when he kisses me or says "I love you" just because my heart melts.  I'm still excited to see him.  We love spending time together and I love coming home to him every day.  I am as in love with him now as I was in those exhilarating days of dating and I want it to stay that way.

We are newlyweds just beginning our marriage journey.  Those early days of dating are in the past but I don't ever want to loose that wonder and attraction that made us fall in love with each other.  Therein lies the challenge.  We are no longer newly dating and freshly falling in love but we are in love and we need to keep that magic alive. It's so easy to communicate when everything is perfectly uncomplicated but what about when it's not?  The hardest decision we make isn't where we should go for dinner anymore, it's whether or not we should have kids, how much we should put into savings and who gets to clean the bathroom.  Communication is more important now then it ever was and having the courtesy and respect for each other that we started out with will only make it easier to maintain a healthy happy relationship.

The bottom line is that as a couple you should never stop doing the things that made you fall in love in the first place and add in new things that will keep you there.  Continue to be kind to each other.  Listen to each other and have fun together.  Think about the words you said on your wedding day.  Relationships, like people are constantly evolving.  As easy as it is in these early days of our relationship it might get more difficult as the years go on especially if we don't nurture and value what we have.  When I see those happy couples married for 20 + years with gray hair still out there slow dancing, holding hands and going on dates it makes me smile.  I know without a doubt that I want that to be us some day and it's up to us to make sure that it is.

Define Soulmate

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:  A soulmate ( or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul, which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate. In New Age spirituality, the ultimate soulmate is the one and only other half of one's soul. However, not everyone who uses these terms intends them to carry such mystical connotations

Dictionary.com
soul mate
-noun
a person with whom one has a strong affinity

soulmate
-n
a person for whom one has a deep affinity, esp a lover, wife, husband, etc

google.com/dictionary
soul mate Noun
1.  A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner

It really wasn't until I met Mj that the soul mate question ever really crossed my mind.  Up until then I was very doubtful of the concept and didn't give it much thought.  There is the life I led before Mj and the one I lead after.  The after is way better and such a stark contrast to the before.  I am a better happier person since I met him.  He literally saved me from myself.  The very fact that this person has transformed my life so much got me thinking.  If ever there was a soul mate then he must be it.  The answer you get when you ask someone about soul mates can be very telling about their relationship history.  It seems that if you have met your soul mate you know it and you are a believer.  If you have not then you aren't sure it exists and/or don't believe that you have met him.  The other question that comes to mind is can you have more then one?  If there is only one perfect soul mate in the entire world for you then the odds of finding that person are slim to none meaning that most who believe they have found their soul mate really haven't based on pure odds alone.  Makes sense, but I don't like those odds.  I think you can fall in love multiple times but all of those times won't be "real."  It's something you think is real and true at the time but don't realize it isn't until you have experienced it with a soul mate.

He is my heart

I don't think any of those definitions of soulmate do the word justice.  "A person for whom one has a deep affinity" could be anyone and a lot of  people at that.  A soul mate is more then a deep affinity.  It has to be.  I know there are mythical implications and I'm not really sure what I believe about all of that but I do believe that I have met my soul mate...whatever that is.  For me it means that I have met someone who is the perfect person for me in every way.  A person who I am meant to be with.  How else could our relationship be so easy and amazing?  How else could this sense of comfort, peace and certainty have washed over me despite all initial efforts to fight it? We have fun and enjoy spending time together. I am totally at ease in his presence.  There is no drama nor has there ever been.  I trust him completely.  There is this myth that relationships are hard.  Not only that, but that they are supposed to be.  If you believe this then maybe you haven't met your soulmate.  My relationship is not hard at all.  We don't fight.  We ebb and flow around and through each other as naturally as could be.  His strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa.  We are on the same page in so may ways.  We agree on a lot and what we don't is usually simple enough to resolve.  We know when to push or when to pull back without being told.  I find it difficult to even be mad at him.  We balance each other out in a way that makes loving him and being with him feel like something I was meant to do.  Does it annoy me that he has some sort of aversion to putting away his stuff?  Yes, but this amazing ability to love him deeply in spite of any flaw that he may have is somehow stronger then my annoyance.  Anything that comes with loving this man is worth putting up with and it hardly even feels like a sacrifice.  I may drive him nuts to no end but there he is every morning giving me a kiss before he goes to work while I'm still in bed.  We respect each other and I find him to be one of the the most handsome men alive.  Without a doubt I know that we will be in love and happy together for the rest of our life and that there is nothing that we can't handle together. 

Is this presumptuous?  Perhaps.  But it's the way I feel.  There is simply no doubt when it comes to him.  It is painful to even briefly summon the thought of what life would be without him.  I shake my head and push it away because of this feeling that life is not worth living unless he is by my side.  At times I am totally overwhelmed with this incredible feeling of love for him.  This indescribable wave of emotion that brims out of my heart and fills up my soul.  I am so lucky and happy that this wonderful person has been placed in my life.  Sometimes when he kisses me on the top of my head or gives me a tight little squeeze for no particular reason there is a moment of clarity where I say to myself, "Oh my gosh, he loves me." And it is such a thrill.  This is very powerful stuff!  I've been married before.  The first time around never felt even close to this.

He might be my soul mate but that doesn't mean that I can take him or our relationship for granted.  I'm not saying that challenges won't come our way or that there will never be problems.  Life is unpredictable and anything can happen.  Maybe we will eventually have an argument or something bigger to tackle but I feel that we are so well matched that we will be able to deal with it.  Together.  Having said all of that I still don't think I've defined soulmate but I'm ok with that.  Like Love it's a feeling more then anything else and experienced in so many different ways by different people that it cannot be fully captured or defined.  Words alone just don't do it justice.

Do you believe in soulmates?  If not, then why?  If so, have you met him?

Finding "The One"

*Me and "The One" on our wedding day*

I can still remember my first crush.  Dreaming that he would like me back while listening to mixed tapes that I recorded off the radio for hours in my room.  That longing aching sensation I had inside for a boy I didn't even really know.  He was a smart, cute basketball star and I just wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me.   Along with half the other girls in our school.  At the tender age of Fifteen I felt utterly heartbroken and alone because he never gave me a second glance.  I got over it eventually, but that first crush is something I'll never forget.

I was a "late bloomer."  The glasses didn't get traded in for contacts until Junior year in high school and the much needed orthodontia did not come until my Junior year in College.  In high school I was the girl who only got invited to two high school dances and never had a boyfriend.  I wanted a boyfriend so badly but kissing still seemed sort of disgusting.  Until I finally got to do it myself with my Senior Prom date just after high school graduation.  I cursed my non existent love life back then but as a wizened adult who's been around the block I can look back and say it was a good thing.  My cautious and tentative nature when it came to boys meant that I took things slow which meant that I was very selective with who I gave a chance and didn't have to kiss too many frogs to get to my prince. 

I met my first boyfriend when I was Eighteen and ended up marrying him.  It may have taken me a while to feel comfortable enough to have a boyfriend but once I made up my mind I was all in.  It was great at first.  Isn't it always?  Then, I began to realize that we were were simply too different to make it work.  What's with three years of dating and a four year engagement?  We clearly had reservations but we had been together so long it was our duty to tie the knot so that's what we did.  I didn't even know myself at 18 when we met and 10 years later was still trying to figure it out when I found myself divorced, in my late twenties and dating for the first time in my life.  After a 9 year relationship.

I had plenty of dates but very few connections.  There was a certain feeling that I was looking for and I wasn't going to settle or pretend.  Getting taken out to dinner was fun and all but I never knew how to negotiate that moment when I realized that I didn't like the guy "that way" and I didn't see the point of leading him on.  Dating was fun and being single was OK with me but I prefer having one special person and I found myself in relationship #2 with the proverbial "bad boy" before long.  If you could call it that.  Our relationship status was always a question mark so it never really felt like one and let's just say that he wasn't as "separated" as he claimed to be.  Being so inexperienced I was too naive to see what should have been obvious.  I still considered myself lucky for having been burned only once in my life by a man.

Oh, and remember that first crush?  Right around my dating years he resurfaced.  He lived out of state but when he was back home visiting he always made a point to call me and we'd meet up.  On one such visit, like something out of a movie, he gave me his high school Basketball jersey.  The very same one that I dreamed about having Thirteen years earlier just didn't have the same effect on me now.  He never noticed me before so he wasn't the right boy for me in high school nor the right man for me over a decade later.  That jersey represented everything I ever wanted when I was in the throes of that poignant teenage crush.  I had come full circle from that awkward lonely girl just wanting to be loved, to a woman that had no problem getting dates, who had loved and lost and was now OK with being on her own.

I had a brief but fun long distance romantic interlude with a guy from the other side of the US.  It was just what I needed to get over the two timer and get ready for the most important one yet.  Third time's a charm.  Fresh off of a quasi relationship I knew exactly how things were NOT supposed to be and was simply blown away by the difference.  The very next man who I handed my heart to and asked for love in return is the same man who I am happily married to three years after we met.  The same man who I expect to be married to the rest of my life.

I wasn't supposed to have a high school boyfriend.  I was meant to long for love in a way that would always make me remember how much I want it and just how precious it is.  I wasn't meant to have 10 boyfriends and several short lived romances.  It could have changed me and my path to "the one" in so many ways.  Instead, I was given two relationships and a time for dating in my late twenties.  Nobody plans on divorce, but I was meant to have a "starter" marriage to prepare me for the one that counts.  With each heart break I learned the lessons that I needed to learn and grew in the ways that I needed to grow.  I didn't know it yet but all along I was on the path towards "the one."  And when he came along I was ready for him.  The man I was meant to be with.

Love & The Holidays

There is something about the holidays that makes us love being in love.  The chilly air makes you want to cuddle close.  The pretty twinkly lights beckon for someone special to share them with.  The beautiful Christmas songs suggest love and togetherness with lyrics like, "I'll be home for Christmas" and "All I want for Christmas is you."  We see it on TV too.  The Lexus commercial that shows the beautiful wife come out of her equally beautiful home to find a brand new Lexus with a bright red bow wrapped around it.  A gift from her loving husband.  In the Zale's commercial we see the guy dangling a sparkly diamond necklace outside the window for one lucky woman.  This may or may not cause us to turn and smile expectantly at the man sitting beside us.  And we all know that "Every kiss begins with Kay."  How many women have hoped upon hope to find that diamond engagement ring underneath the tree?  A lot of them do because come January newly engaged couples come out in droves to nail down that wedding venue. 

The Christmas tree, holiday decorating, chilly weather, sounds of the season, family bonding and ongoing festivities causes some kind of chemical reaction in our brain that makes us want to love and be loved.  We want someone to get all dressed up for and go to holiday parties with.  Someone to take home to our family.  We take such delight in shopping for our significant other and receiving something special in return.  When the clock strikes 12 am on New Year’s Eve it's just not the same without a date.  Even better if that date is your partner in life and that kiss represents the hope and promise of a fresh new year that you will share and look forward to together.  The holidays are a magical time.  Love and festivities are in the air and we all want someone special to hold onto as we enjoy everything going on around us.

Six years ago right after Thanksgiving I found myself suddenly single after nine years.  It was difficult enough without having it coincide with the full swing of the holidays.  I really wanted to be happy during this time but my life was literally falling apart and I was too busy trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces to be festive.  I took my big sis to the holiday party that year.  It was a blessing in disguise that the relationship ended and I embraced being single and starting fresh.  I love my family but something about the holidays still made me long for companionship and feel like something was missing.  I had a happily single but open to the perfect man attitude all year long but when the holidays rolled around being single suddenly felt depressing and lonely.  The only thing worse was Valentine's day.  My perfect man did come along four holiday seasons later and I now relish the opportunity to share traditions and festivities of such a fun time with my husband.  He was deployed for most of last year but he made it back just in time for Thanksgiving thank goodness because it just wouldn't have been the same without him.   

There are a lot of break ups just prior to Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has experienced this phenomenon.  Sometimes it's just to avoid spending money on a gift for someone you're not really sure if you like all that much and what could be awkward family meet and greets.  For some, being alone is preferable to the false and empty feeling of being mismatched for the holidays and feeling obligated to go through the motions.  There is also the opposite effect.  Engagements and heartfelt proclamations of love when people realize they don't want to spend another holiday without this amazing person in their life.  The holiday season is powerful.  It serves as a lens through which we view our life and our loved ones taking stock of where we are where we have been and where we are going in the new year.  It is a time of reflection, fun, giving and family.  The holidays may not be about falling in love but there is something about this time of year that makes us want that all the same.

We Are Family

I load my bags into the back seat of my car and get in. I honk once like I always do as I make my U turn. They watch from the doorway. Two dark silhouettes outlined by the bright lights coming from inside the house. They wave and then close the door against the dark chilly night. There is a lump in my throat but it isn’t caused by sadness. I round the corner as I have done so many times before and the shadow of my childhood home rushes by me on the left and disappears behind me into the darkness. I set off on my drive home and quietly reflect on just how lucky I am. Those two people waving at me from the doorway are my parents and I have never once had reason to question their love for me or mine for them. It’s always been that way and the notion that I am very fortunate to have that is not lost on me. My two sisters are pretty great too. One is a creative fashionista going to College in the North and the other my beautiful and kind big sis who has re located to the South. I grew up with my big sister and her moving out of state has not shaken our closeness one bit. I take delight in seeing the poised and responsible young woman that my little sister has become. The painfully shy little gymnast flipping around the house is all grown up. I can’t wait to see what amazing things she is going to accomplish in her life. We are so very different and yet our parents girls and therefore the same. No matter how much space and time comes between us we will always have that sisterly bond.


My parents don’t live too far and I try to make sure to go up there regularly to visit. I am the only one of their girls who still can. My mom and I spend time together as any two best friends might. There was happy hour and the movies Saturday, shopping on Sunday, and plenty of just hanging out and talking in between. I couldn't ask for a better mother or friend. I am not sure why it never occurred to me before to ask but just before I left on Sunday night I wanted my parents to tell me the story of how they met. I could tell my dad was trying to fight the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he re counted the story of meeting my mom at a club in Detroit. His gruff exterior melts away as they take me along with them down memory lane. I can see how much they love each other in their exchanged glances as they smile at each other and chime in with their version of the events as they unfolded over 35 years ago. I try to picture my dad as the cool "older man." The handsome fit military man my mom describes him as and my mom as a young mother barely 20 years old. I should be so lucky to have so many years of marriage and shared experiences with my husband. There are so many secrets and history that I could never begin to understand that has kept their bond strong through the ups and downs of life and marriage. I know it hasn't been easy. My dad has not always been the easiest man to love. He is his own person. With time comes acceptance and understanding. His heart has always been in the right place and we love him as he is. As they speak of their early days my memory is jogged as fragmented and vague images of my childhood dart in and out of my mind so fast that they never fully materialize. A huge gold Oldsmobile with vinyl quilted seats, long cramped family road trips all the way to Michigan. A faded red door with peeling paint from a long ago house we used to live in. Just bits and pieces here and there but enough for me to know that I had a good childhood. I wish I could remember more. They were so very young when they started this family. I am grateful for all of the years of work and love that went into making a home for my sister’s and me.

My family is imperfect as all families and people are but we love each other and want the best for each other. That is what family is all about. There are people all over the world who were beaten, neglected, forgotten or otherwise unloved by the people that you most expect to love you unconditionally and I feel lucky that I haven’t ever had to experience that kind of pain. My parents have watched me grow over the years from a girl scout in pigtails with missing front teeth into the woman I am today. I’d like to think that I have made them proud. My parents and my sisters have always been there for me and I am comforted by the certainty that no matter what, they always will be. Just as I will always be there for them.