Life Without Mj

I am loosing steam. Like a flower that wilts without sunshine the luster from his visit has worn off and I am becoming droopy and lifeless. When I first found out he'd be leaving for so long just five months into our relationship I was devastated but determined to be strong and just deal with it. His after Christmas departure left me with an ache in my chest and gloomy thoughts of the long months stretched out ahead without him. I wallowed for a bit, but not wanting to be sad and make this separation even more difficult I began my mission to keep myself occupied with friends, family, and various outings. By focusing on short term activities perhaps I can trick myself into forgetting that Mj is not around.

We missed what would have been our first New Years together, but we got Thanksgiving and Christmas so I have to be grateful for that. Happy hour here, get together there. I was a trooper for a while until about April. Only 3 months after he left, 3 months until I'd see him again and 7 long months until he'd be home for good. I let my negativity get the best of me and had a horrible birthday. To pass the time in May I focused on looking forward to an end of month visit with my sister. Last year Mj and I had so much fun at the fair together and I made the best of it this year but it felt flat in comparison. At the end of June, I had my excitement over his July visit to keep me going. The joy of our 11 days together kept me fired up for a while and the Joe's Jeans contest provided a welcome and exciting distraction. Two months post visit and any remaining embers have long been extinguished and I am left with only ash and smoke as I find my self in a rut again.

When I watch a really good movie I still wish he was here to share it with me and sometimes I save and re play his old voicemail messages just because I like to hear his voice. My enthusiasm to "get out there and have fun dammit" has fizzled out. I am so tired most of the time during the work week anyways that by the weekend all I really want to do is cyber date Mj. Is it weird that I would rather stay at home in front of my laptop with my not really there cyber fiance then to venture out and interact with real live people? I don't care if I go anywhere or do anything else as long as I get to see his handsome face for a few hours. When I go to sleep at night I imagine what it feels like to have his arms around me. When he is beside me sleep isn't something I hope for, it just happens. Every song I hear reminds me of him and that dull ache has crept it's way back into the center of my chest.

Every month that passes, every care package I've sent, every phone conversation we have is one step closer to seeing him again.

I have lived alone for going on 5 years and have always prided myself on my independence. So what did I do before he came into my life? I was a fully sometimes dysfunctional human being before we met so why is it so difficult to be without him now? Well, that was then. Before I knew any better. Before I knew how wonderful loving and living could truly be. Before he let the sunshine in.

Oh how I miss that man. Eleven months is a long time. Simply put my patience for life without Mj has worn thin. A part of me is missing and I can't get it back until he comes home.

Dunce Alert

I enjoy sharing and writing about the good stuff, but I am also willing to share the stupid stuff too. I definitely know how to laugh at myself. I generally don't mind if others laugh along with me as long as you make sure I'm laughing too before you start laughing hysterically at my expense! My car has had some electrical problems not too long ago so I was only mildly surprised when on Friday I noticed that my interior cabin lights were staying on while driving. I didn't go anywhere all weekend so I didn't worry about it until yesterday. I played around with the light switch to see if maybe it was on the wrong setting somehow. I carefully verified that they didn't stay on while the car was shut off and exactly how long it takes for them to turn off on their own so I could tell the service center. I woke up extra early today so I could take it to the dealership by 7:15 am and get to work by 8:00. Annoyed by the task, but glad to get it over with-and within my warranty period.

I pull up into the service line and give them my name as I prepared to take things I would need out of my car. When asked what the problem is I say, "My interior lights stay on while I am driving." Well, he fixed my so called problem even faster then it took me to tell him about it. He promptly reached through my window and turned my interior lights off the permanent setting with the switch that was designed to do just that. "Uhhhh....oops. I didn't realize I had switched it on to permanent, I'm so sorry. I guess I don't need to leave it then." The service guy was very nice and told me it's OK and that I must have just accidentally hit it. Now that service guy has a funny story for he and all of his co workers to laugh about today. Glad to be of service.

I felt like such a "girl." Well, to be fair not all women are like this but apparently I am one of those!! I do have my moments of brilliance [according to me] when setting up equipment, putting things together and trouble shooting certain problems. But, I am 100% girly girl when it comes to my car, household repairs, most complex technological systems. I don't even know how to change a flat tire even though I know it's probably something I should learn. My garbage disposal is still out. The lights in my kitchen went out months ago but it's a huge fixture with multiple screws. It looks heavy and who knows what kind of dirt or creepy crawly things are lurking inside that fixture. Needless to say, I really don't even want to attempt to do it by myself. Good thing I don't spend too much time in the kitchen.

So, I went to work early to do some overtime after my aborted vehicle drop off and that was that. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with my car and because I got to work so darn early I managed to get a premium covered parking spot which is helpful when I relax in my car for lunch breaks on hot days. The bad news is that I am so freaking tired because I got up earlier and that I am officially a dunce for the day!

And Then There Were Five

I am filled with excitement as I board the plane to LA. I am in a great mood and just sort of taking in everything around me. After landing around 10:30 am I call the car service and soon after a black stretch limo pulls up. I felt like such a jet setting VIP as I step inside. I could really get used to this!! Three of the other male models are already inside the limo and before we head to the studio we pick up 2 more.

We arrive at Smashbox Studios in Culver City where our shoot will take place. It is this huge hollow open space with stark white walls that have no corners. The 4 other female models are already in hair and make up. They seem so tall and glamorous. There are flurries of activity coming from everywhere. Make up artists, hair stylists, crew, Joe's Jeans staff and a bunch of other people are all over the place. There is loud music playing making it a very upbeat atmosphere. There is a videographer floating around taking footage of everything.

Finally, it's time for me to get my hair done. I find out I will be given extensions to make a high very long pony tail. It is so tight I can feel the skin in my scalp stretch when I smile. My hair is now ruined and disgusting from all of the thick Crisco like wax used to slick down my hair. I have this pompadour thingy put in the front of my head. Definitely not your everyday look but it is so cool to being made up so differently then my usual [slightly boring] self. My wardrobe consists of black ripped tights, a long black sleeveless sweater top, and a cool biker type denim jacket. The shoes are stiletto Christian Louboutin boots that are super sexy but hurt like hell. I wait until the last minute to put them on. My eye make up is pretty dramatic with winglike eyeliner extending out from the corners of my eyes. There is a lot of waiting as the other female models shoot before me. I am starving by now. It's 2 pm and lunch has arrived but I don't want to ruin my lips and I am too keyed up anyways, so I don't eat yet. The photographer is Jiro Schneider. By the time I get on set I am no longer nervous-I'm just ready to get started. I catch a glimpse of one of my pics on the monitor but when they see me looking they turn it away from me. I know there are people watching but I am really not aware of it because I am so focused on listening to the photographer's directions and the bright lights make it kinda hard to see anyone. I am standing in front of a plain white backdrop. There are no props and you can't just stand there. You have to do something interesting with your body which isn't easy to do when you can't see yourself. I shake my ponytail, pose, and prance around. There are no smiles on this shoot. It's high fashion. I am having fun and then before I know it my shoot is over. I keep replaying the shoot in my mind trying to figure out if it went OK but I can't really know anything for sure until I see the pictures. We do group shots and then it's a wrap around 6:30pm. We have champagne, chocolate and strawberries to celebrate. The hard part is over and now it's time to let loose and have fun.

We are taken to The Standard Hotel in downtown LA where we'll be staying. The rooms are funky and very modern. There is a platform bed with a bedroom that shares a glass wall with the bathroom shower so you can literally see right through the wall and into the bathroom from the bedroom. Joe's is treating us to drinks and appetizers at the rooftop club/bar at 8pm. It is cool getting to know all of the models that up to now I have only seen on the website. Everyone is really nice and we are all having a good time. I can't believe I am out drinking and dancing on a Thursday night when I am normally in bed!! The night is warm and we have a great view of the high rise buildings that surround the hotel. I am soooo exhausted by now but having so much fun that I really don't want it to end. We hang for a bit longer then we all go to our own hotel rooms. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

The next morning we meet at 10am for breakfast on the rooftop. The mood is somber. The loud chatter and excitement of the day before is replaced with quiet murmurs as we all lounge around eating and waiting for the rest of the Joe's Jeans staff to arrive. One by one we are taken to meet Joe. He asks me some basic questions like where I'm from, what size I wear and how tall I am. More waiting. We are all getting pretty antsy by this point. It's well past 11 am and we just want to know who the winner is.

I am asked to go back over and talk to the owner of the Photogenics Modeling agency. She asks me a few more questions. I am only one of three who was asked back for a second chat-the other two are the winners. They say it was really tough decision to make as they ask all 10 of us to line up in front of the Joe's staff and judges and they announce the winners of the first ever Joe's Next Model Contest. Madeline and Craig will be the faces of their newest add campaign. We are handed plastic envelopes with full size prints of the pics they selected for us and told that we will be extended a gift credit to shop at Joe's Jeans online (in addition to the pair of jeans we were allowed to keep from the shoot). I am really excited to hear that!

Of course I am disappointed not to win. This was my last chance at an opportunity like this. I was hopeful but at the same time I had no expectations except to do a great shoot, have a good time and make my family proud. I'd say I accomplished all three. Madeline's shots were gorgeous and she is 5'11". I am honored just to be in the running with all of these other good looking people. I am much older then the youngest of the bunch but I fit right in and held my own. How cool is that? I am proud of myself for having made it this far. I had such an incredibly good time. Did I bring my camera? Yes. Did I take any pictures? No. I was a little bit devastated when my camera turned up missing. Unfortunately, one of the make up artist hijacked my camera by accident. She packed it up with all of her other supplies and took it. It figures that would happen to me!! She is kind enough to mail it to my home address but that doesn't do me any good right now when I am in LA. It really sucks that I didn't get to take pictures to document this amazing experience like I wanted to.

But I will always have my photo shoot pics. They are not your typical smiling beauty shots. I can't believe it's me looking like an add out of some funky fashion magazine. It was so out of my element but I think I pulled it off pretty well.

I am so tired right now. I am not a partier so just one night of being out on the town has worn me out along with the long shoot and the excitement of everything that's been going on. I am killing time in the hotel lobby while I wait for my 4pm ride to the airport. I am so glad that this is going to be a quick flight for me. I will have the car all to myself on the way to the airport which will be a nice way to wrap up this amazing experience. Joe's Jeans has really treated us so well and ran a great contest. I am just so, so happy to have been a part of this. I said that I would be OK if I didn't win and I really am.

Back To The Gym For Some Yoga

So, a monumental thing happened today. For the first time all year I went to the gym. This is huge for me because I have really fallen off the wagon this year when it comes to exercise. I am so far off the wagon that the wheels have rusted and broken off. It all started around the holidays. Probably around November. I just got really lazy-no excuses. Then, by the time February rolled around and I had still not gone back to the gym. I had a schedule change because I switched offices and went from working 7:00-3:30pm which I have done my whole working life to 8:00-5:00pm and going to the gym that late just seemed undo able. At least in my mind. So, I just didn't go. I used to be a gymnast, then a cheerleader in high school, then I took ballet classes for about three years. I have had a gym membership for a while so in between anything else I was doing I could always get to the gym for some exercise. I'd do weights and run on the treadmill. Last year I'd started doing Yoga and Pilates there pretty regularly. I also went through an exercise video phase when I couldn't stand going to the gym and wasn't doing anything else. That started around the time of my major weight loss and I used to do one every day without fail. I guess I felt the world would end and I would get fat if I didn't. I found that it was a nice break from the gym and did keep that up for a while. Since I've re arranged my little studio last December there really isn't room for exercise in the home. I have been maintaining my weight with diet alone and so I guess I'd just been feeling like I can get away with it-but no matter what size you are the heart needs exercise. This isn't the first time I've quit the gym. I've kind of had a love hate relationship with it for a while. Sometimes it just seems like such a chore. After a long day at work, usually the only thing I want to do is get home. I'd love to get back into ballet for variety but the classes are expensive and not in my budget anymore.

I went straight to my mom's on Saturday after the Spa and spent the night. It's still really hot (82 degrees even at night) so I was definitely better off there then at home. We had a really nice visit. Hanging out, watching a movie, running errands. My mom knows I am "off" the gym so when she mentioned she was going to Yoga she didn't really even ask me at first. Then, she said "would you like to go?" I said no at first and then for whatever reasons just decided to go ahead and go. She's been wanting me to and I was there. So why not? I ran around getting dressed and out the door in about 5 minutes flat and off we went. It felt good. I love movement. I love pushing my body to do more. I can tell I am out of shape because I was fatigued not too long after class. Yoga didn't used to make me sore at all.

So, I am not making any promises yet about when I'll be going back. I somehow have to get over this whole schedule hang up, get some motivation, and stop being so darn lazy. I just haven't figured out when all of this is going to happen yet. They are building a brand new 24 Hour Fitness near my house and if I upgrade to a Sport membership I could actually go to it instead of the dank and funky Active one that I was going to before. I think that when MJ comes back I might be more likely to make an effort with his influence but for now at least I broke my no gym streak for the year.

It's Gettin' Hot In Here

When I left work yesterday I was greeted by a wall of heat. When I pulled out of my work parking lot my car registered 102 degrees and dipped down to 97 as I headed inland towards home. So, when I get home there is no hesitation this time about turning the AC unit on or not. I usually will sweat it out a little and see if I can make it but it's way too hot to worry about the electric bill today. It was still warm after the sun went down but I will NOT go to sleep with it on. Let's not get too crazy now. Looks like it'll be another scorcher today. On my way to work at 6:30am it was already 72 degrees.

Lost and found story: As I was getting out of my car yesterday, I found my earring that I thought I'd lost the day of the fashion show 4 days ago. I'd put them in right before I got out of my car and by the time I got the bathroom inside the one in my left ear was gone. Just little cheapie silver hoops but I really liked them. I used to freak out and get upset EVERY time I lost any little thing but this time I shrugged it off and then it just shows up on my seat waiting for me to find it. I love it when stuff like that happens.

So whoo, hoo it's Friday. I am getting together with friends tonight at a place that we simply refer to as "the spot" for happy hour. But it's unlike any other happy hour I've been to anywhere else. We do this about once a month and I am so ready to let loose. I will be doing a quickie wardrobe car change (what girl hasn't EVER done that?) from work drab to party fab into my cute little short shorts and my new high heels that I just treated myself to the other day. They are HOT if I do say so myself. A little out of my "conservative" box but I am ready to rock them today.

I Think I Love My Husband

-MJ in Kosovo-

Ok so I don't think, I know. Oh, how I love my husband....err, Fiance.  There are seriously times that I have to pinch myself just because I cannot believe that I got lucky enough to have such a wonderful man. Yesterday during our usual lunch break phone session he told me all the reasons that he loved me. He was so sleepy and as it got closer to the end of my lunch break and closer to his bedtime I could tell he was dozing off. I don't get offended. Hey, it's late and the guy is tired. Even so, he didn't want to get off the phone until our full hour was up even though I kept saying, "just go to bed."

Today he sent me an e mail out of the blue just saying he was thinking about me. When I asked him what made him think about me today he just said that he is always thinking about me. This day is no different than any other-he just so happened to tell me about it in an e mail.  My heart...melting. Oh, and did I mention how absolutely sexy and adorable he is?

Sometimes the phone relationship gets old. I get frustrated and irritable and I told him as much today. He always more than makes up for those frustrations just by continuing to be him and I love him for it. "Awww....how cute, they must still be in the honeymoon phase.  It won't last," is what they say.  Well, we have been together long enough that we are definitely past that point. True, during the time that we have been together he has been deployed for almost half of it, but long distance relationships come with its own set of potential pitfalls and we have held up just fine through the worst of it thus far. I know the true test comes when he comes back and we shack up in my studio which is small enough for one person let alone two. On the one hand I say, "We must be crazy!!" but on the other hand I think it will be good for us to know we can get through something like that. Regardless, this will be our home for however long it takes us to find a house. Space will be limited. We're gonna get on each other's nerves. My neat freak tendencies are going to be sent into overdrive and will probably drive us both crazy. We will disagree. We might argue. Bring it. I'm ready.