Not to be overly dramatic or anything, but guys, I am hanging on by a thread. A thin, frayed thread precariously close to snapping. My life is not in danger and there are far worse things to battle, but referring to this as my battle with insomnia feels fitting because I have been dealing with this off and on for a long time. There is no rhyme. There is no reason. I go to bed just like I do every other night, except there is that one night I wait for sleep and it doesn't come. Not that night, or the next, or the next.
I went to see the Lion King on Sunday. It was so entertaining and so good. Lions dancing, mountains moving and can you feel the love tonight? I felt it. It was great, but I could barely keep my eyes open. Sunday matinee performances after a carb heavy brunch and a mimosa is enough to make anyone feel a bit drowsy, but I was fighting sleep almost the entire time. Fighting so hard, that it was kind of painful, and that's been my life for going on two weeks now. My eyes are glazed over and heavy inside my skull. I don't quite have a headache, but the tension in my head pulses and the energy it takes to keep my eyes open when every cell in my body is telling me I need to sleep is nauseating.
I worked out six days last week. This week I'm doing five. Working out has been non negotiable for so long that I'm on auto pilot. No matter how tired I am, I take off my clothes and wiggle into a sports bra as soon as I walk in the door. I might as well work out. It's not like I can sleep instead. I feel a temporary burst of energy right after I work out, but by the time I've showered and made my way downstairs for dinner, usually around 7:00ish, it's gone and I'm crashing all over again.
I'm exhausted, but I still can't sleep.
I get into bed and lay down from about 8:30-9:00pm to 6:20am, so according to my Fit Bit I'm sleeping, but I'm not! When my alarm goes off in the morning I'm already awake. I think I'm going to be okay, but by the time I get to work I don't know how I'll make it. Over the weekend I didn't wake up at 7:00am. I gave up at 7:00am because I was just laying there. I can't say I don't sleep at all, but whatever it is that is happening isn't restful because it doesn't feel like sleep when I am aware that I am laying in bed trying to sleep. I don't know how you dream without sleeping, but it happens. You know those dreams when you are aware that you are dreaming and you feel kind of like you are trapped in your own body watching yourself dream? It was like that.
My magic pill rx doesn't work and it's not because I've been taking it too much. I learned that lesson the hard way last year after taking it Sunday through Thursday for months. My body adapted. It stopped working and I had to tough it out on my own for a while. Since that bout ended I have only used it occasionally, so I fully expected it to lull me to sleep. I finally tried melatonin two nights ago. Who knew it came in flavors? The strawberry smelled so good I wanted to eat it like candy but I didn't. I swallowed one pill and hoped for the best. No luck. I doubled it up last night. Some luck. I felt like I actually went to sleep as in a not aware that I am trying to sleep deep sleep for at least a few hours, but I think I was awake by 1:00am off and on. Valerian Root is on deck. Might as well try everything.
I don't have kids. I'm supposed to be able to sleep when I want! I cannot function like this for much longer, and yet I have no choice, but to function like this for as long as it continues. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. This is torture! I don't feel as zombie like as I did yesterday, but sitting in front of a computer for eight hours is not helpful, so it will be another long day.
Does anyone else struggle with insomnia on a regular basis? What works for you?