Ugg Anxiety

I have a problem with spending money. It's not what you're probably thinking though. Whereas most people have a problem with spending too much money I have a problem with spending too little. How is that a problem you might wonder. Well, when buying a pair of Ugg boots (that I actually have the money for) causes me to burst into tears unexpectedly while telling Mj about them during our cyber Date....Well, that is when it could be considered a problem.

I'm very organized with my bills. I get paid once a month, pay my bills online once a month, and go to the ATM once a month. I have a set amount of money transferred automatically from my checking to my savings accounts so I don't even have to think about that. A lot of people find the one paycheck a month difficult, but it's no problem at all for me. I know how to make a budget and stick to it.

I was feeling pretty footloose and fancy free when it came to my finances for a change and that felt good. I was looking forward to a few fall clothing purchases I'd been planning on. I happily bought a few shirts and everything was fine until I bought the Ugg boots. Suddenly all of my money anxiety came rushing back to me full force and I began to feel that I shouldn't buy anything at all for myself for the rest of the entire year. What made me think I could buy a pair of $140 Ugg's when I have car registration due ($300!!), an out out state trip planned, a special anniversary outing to plan and Christmas around the corner? It hits me that the only reason I've been feeling ok about money lately is only because I really haven't been spending any. Aside from the necessities like gas and groceries and food out here and there I really haven't spent too much money on myself in a while.

It's not like I buy a lot of things for myself. I don't have the most expensive taste. Well, except for my jeans which I feel are a must after years and years of wearing cheapos!! But, I know when to stop. I have my core set of designer denim that look and feel great so I won't be buying anymore for well...ever. I have one exquisite expensive purse (that I never in a million years would have bought for myself); but that was courtesy of Mj (bless his heart!).

I actually got some off brand cheap Uggs last year and one of the boots actually stretched out around the leg. They didn't even make it one season. I am that person who will take a trip but not want to buy any souvenirs, partake in any activities that cost much money, or even eat at a nice restaurant while I am there. I am usually so thrilled just to be on the darn trip and I feel like I can't spend much more then what it's costing me to travel there. About 3 years ago when money was tighter then ever I actually forgot what it felt like to be in a mall. I stopped going because it was too hard to be there knowing I couldn't buy a single thing and if I needed any clothing item at all for any reason I was only allowed to go to Target, Walmart, or Old Navy. I couldn't even take joy in window shopping. I am okay with buying a top or a pair of shoes here and there but the minute I exceed what is comfortable for me I freak out. Is this what I have to go through every time I want something special just for me that costs more then $100 dollars?

Well, it's pretty ridiculous. I've been saving money since I was 16 years old and I have never had credit card debt beyond what I could reasonably pay off one purchase at a time. I use a credit card for monthly expenses to get a cash back bonus but its within my budget so I can pay it off monthly. I have always done the right thing when it comes to money and finances-it just came naturally to me. So, why can't I indulge every now and then? Part of my rationale for not wanting to is that my fiscal discipline is what got me where I am in the first place and I don't want to mess it up. I am also of the belief that you can't have everything you want. If there is something I want that I don't feel I can reasonably justify on my income then I can't have it. Plain and simple. I may not like it but I can live with it because that's just how it goes. I already feel like I don't save enough although I do what I can, so that reason alone is why I shouldn't be out spending money on expensive items and outings.

I work hard. I save. I am responsible with my money. I know deep down that I deserve the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of my labor every now and then but there is always that voice in my head saying "YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!!!"

So, I am working on allowing myself to live and enjoy things because I do realize that a lifetime of denying myself this and that just because I'm not rich is really not what I want for myself. I will never be a shopaholic. There is only so much money available in my budget for that, but I shouldn't feel bad for using it, within my means. The tears weren't really about the Uggs. I love those cozy boots and I don't regret buying them. What upset me is the anxiety that I so often feel just from buying something that should make me happy.

I still have money coming to me for those two model gigs I did back August. I WILL get those fall items I've been looking forward to and I WILL enjoy it.

Make New Friends But Keep The Old

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold." We used to sing that song in Girl Scouts. I don't know about the whole silver and gold thing but it's so true about keeping the old friends.

My oldest and best friend was in town over the weekend. We had such a great time yesterday hanging out. She hasn't been home for an actual visit since she joined the military about two years ago although, I did see her when I went to go visit my sister in May earlier this year. No matter how much time or distance has passed between us it's just like old times when we do finally get together again. I picked her up around 3:30 and we drove downtown to grab a bite to eat but not before walking into a tiny boutique "just to get change for the parking meter" where we happened to do a little shopping on the way out! After that we walked over to the mall and shopped some more there. From store to store constantly talking along the way about anything and everything. No topic is off limits. There is really nothing that we don't feel comfortable talking to each other about.

We bought Ugg's at Nordstrom's and wore them right out of the store. The sales lady was getting really irritated with us because we kept asking her to bring out different ones and couldn't make up our minds! I got the short ones even though she tried to convince me that the tall ones looked better. Good thing too, because we spent the rest of the now chilly night on our feet. The casual daytime atmosphere has been replaced with a night time party vibe. The sound of loud music filters out as we walk past club entrances where the bouncers in all black have taken up their positions for the night. We went to a coffee shop for mocha frappuccino's and gelato. Then, wandered aimlessly about the city wandering into whatever little store that caught our attention. We didn't leave downtown until about 10:00. Oh, boy can we ever hang out!!

When it comes right down to it I don't have a whole lot of friends and of the ones I do there aren't too many that I could do that with. We had a great time remembering old times and catching up on new ones too. We've been friends since 8Th grade. We did cheerleading and gymnastics together and lived in the same neighborhood for years. She used to pick me up for school every morning in her old blue Corolla and I will never forget our wild party phase when Tijuana twice a week was standard. We are very different in personality but have always gotten along. Our lives have taken so many twists and turns over the years. We have drifted apart and been in and out of touch over the years but have always maintained our friendship nonetheless.

Incidentally, she just so happens to be the person behind setting me up with Mj. She took one look at him at a random chance meeting in AZ of all places and knew that he would be perfect for me and she was right. It is only fitting that my oldest and dearest friend would set me up with the love of my life. I am very disappointed that she won't be at our wedding. She'll be back home for Christmas and then after that I won't see her again until 2011. She'll be spending 2010 in either Iraq, Kuwait, or Afghanistan-wherever the Army decides to send her. It'll be nice to have her back for good in 2011.

Regardless of how little we might speak or how few times I see her I know she thinks about me just as I think about her. It's just that kind of rare and true friendship. I am so glad that we have stayed in touch over the years and I know that we always will.

Sleeping Is Not My Strong Point

There are quite a few things I am bad at. I suck at parallel parking, I can't sing and I am horrible when it comes to math and numbers. But, of all the things there are to be bad at I never thought sleeping would be one of them. I have suffered from insomnia on and off over the years and lately it has definitely been more on then off. My ability to sleep has been severely hindered for about the last 5 months. I was taking OTC sleeping pills and Benadryl. I finally went ahead and got a prescription sleeping pill and it has helped although not consistently.

Up until about two weeks ago my problem was that it took me a long time to fall asleep, if at all. I'd lay there all night waiting for sleep and probably getting some but not long enough or deep enough to feel rested in the morning. I haven't needed my alarm clock to actually wake up in over two weeks. I need it to know when to get out of bed but I have been waking up hours before my alarm clock and not because I have gotten all of the sleep I need. I seem to be OK on nights that I don't have to wake up early in the morning. I can stay up as late as I want and sleep in as late as I need to-though not usually past 9 am. Even if I didn't sleep all that well I am waking up late enough and on my "own" time so it compensates for any fatigue I might feel.

Sleep deprivation has simply become a part of my daily life, like it or not. I wake up tired. I go to work tired. I come home tired. I go to bed tired. And it just doesn't end. It takes its toll after a while. I am so worn out that I have no energy to do anything but drag my body through the motions. I come home too tired to even sit and watch a movie and forget about going anywhere after work. No errands, no happy hour-nothing. I am just too tired. I won't ever take a nap though, because by the time I get home it's 5:30 and I know that will only make sleeping even harder later.

Even if I am feeling rested enough on the weekends I still don't want to do anything because I've gotta recoup mentally from being so exhausted and fried all week long.

Monday was another rough one, but every day starting on Tuesday I've been feeling progressively more refreshed and rested then have in a long time. My eyes aren't glazed over and burning with fatigue. My head isn't aching and heavy. So, I am hoping that this is a continued trend and that my sleeping skills are improving. I just ordered a refill for another 30 day supply of Restoril but it would be really nice if I didn't need it.

Each Day Is Like The Other

Sometimes I can't remember what movie I watched yesterday, what day I requested that prescription on line, or even what day of the week it is. Did I wear this pink shirt two weeks ago or was it just a few days before? It's like deja vu sometimes how each day kind of blends into the next so that I can hardly differentiate one from the other. I am not the only creature of habit though. It struck me one day that the path I take as I go through my daily routine crosses with others who also seem to be doing the same old thing every day just like me. At least for that brief moment. I wonder if they ever notice me as I notice them.

I hear the familiar footsteps of a lady who lives in my complex and the gate slamming behind her as she makes her way out to her car. I hear the engine roar to life signaling to me that after my usual three snoozes if I don't get up NOW I'll be late. I finish my quick morning routine and am walking out my front gate. There she is again. The lady who lives across the street is sitting on her front porch as I carry my sandwich in it's cute little pink container and cross the street to my car. She is usually wearing red plaid flannel pajamas, smoking a cigarette, and sipping something out of a mug. I usually find myself wishing that I was sitting on my front porch in my jammies NOT smoking a cigarette and drinking warm coffee while the glow of the early morning sun warms the pavement instead of going to sit in an office for the next 8 hours.

At work I boot up my computer, eat my PBJ, and drink my coffee while I settle in for the day ahead.

At 12:30 pm like clock work Oscar the friendly security guard who knows everyone is making his rounds and greets me with "Hola" as he strolls past my desk. He usually follows this by saying how many days there are until Friday and we laugh. Every day from Monday to Thursday is just a countdown to Friday after all.

At around 1:30 pm I walk the same path down the hall, through the door, down the stairs and through one more door. I am usually on the phone by now talking to Mj. Like a fixture I see her sitting quietly in the lobby reading a book as I walk by. I think she is probably on her lunch break like I am. As I sit in my car chatting with Mj half way through my break the fifth and final character of a day in my life gets into the passenger side of her own car. She is usually parked right next to me and I watch as she pulls out her reading materials and her lunch for the day. When my hour is up I head back into my building chatting with Mj up until the last minute to finish out the last part of my work day.

By 4:58 pm I am shutting down my computer relieved that the work day is finally over. It usually takes me about 25-30 minutes to get home and less time then that to get into my comfy casuals for "me" time. I have a precious 4 hours or so in the evening to relax which usually includes the Internet, a movie, TV, reading or any combination thereof. Then, It's time for bed when I will hopefully sleep and then will gratefully wake up to do it all over again the next day.

Have You Seen My Bread?

Have you seen my bread?

Don't you hate it when stores suddenly, inexplicably, and without warning stop carrying a product or brand that you have grown accustomed to. They put it in the store, they make you love it, then they take it away! How cruel.

I am a carb fiend and sliced bread is very important to me due to my morning PBJ habit. I loved the Delightful Sara Lee bread because it has a decent whole grain and fiber content all for only 45 cal's a slice. What I don't love is the price. I was buying it for a while regardless, but when it got up to $3.99 (although I can get it for a little less at Walmart-if I am in the mood to deal with that madness) it became ridiculous and so I needed to find another option. Enter Nature's Own wheat bread. It showed up right on time smack dab in the middle of my bread dilemma. Only $2.19 with similar nutritional values as Sara Lee for only 5 calories more. It even had a few more slices per loaf. I found it at my usual grocery store and I could even get it at Walmart if I happened to be doing some shopping there. Problem solved!

Until I was at Walmart a couple of weeks ago and they didn't have it. "Darn it, now I have to stop by the grocery store too." And to my dismay, they didn't have it either. So, there I am still searching the bread aisle as if it will somehow magically appear out of thin air just because I want it to. When that doesn't happen I start examining each and every brand to find an alternative because I refuse to pay Sara Lee prices. I eventually settle on Orowheat "Soft Family." Yep, that's what it's called and the bread certainly lives up to that name. At 65 cal's per slice is the lowest I could find and it has a reasonable fiber content. The price isn't as good as Nature's Own but it will have to do. I supposed I could try other grocery stores but grocery shopping is such a huge inconvenience to me even when it's close so I am not about to go out of my way to other stores even for my coveted bread. You can bet that every time I go to the store I will be looking for it in case it makes a comeback though.

Am I being cheap? Maybe, but I have always been big on bargain shopping and coupon clipping not only in the grocery stores but in the shopping malls too. Am I obsessing too much over the calorie count of my bread? Probably!! As far as I'm concerned on both fronts it all adds up and every little bit counts.

Life Without Mj

I am loosing steam. Like a flower that wilts without sunshine the luster from his visit has worn off and I am becoming droopy and lifeless. When I first found out he'd be leaving for so long just five months into our relationship I was devastated but determined to be strong and just deal with it. His after Christmas departure left me with an ache in my chest and gloomy thoughts of the long months stretched out ahead without him. I wallowed for a bit, but not wanting to be sad and make this separation even more difficult I began my mission to keep myself occupied with friends, family, and various outings. By focusing on short term activities perhaps I can trick myself into forgetting that Mj is not around.

We missed what would have been our first New Years together, but we got Thanksgiving and Christmas so I have to be grateful for that. Happy hour here, get together there. I was a trooper for a while until about April. Only 3 months after he left, 3 months until I'd see him again and 7 long months until he'd be home for good. I let my negativity get the best of me and had a horrible birthday. To pass the time in May I focused on looking forward to an end of month visit with my sister. Last year Mj and I had so much fun at the fair together and I made the best of it this year but it felt flat in comparison. At the end of June, I had my excitement over his July visit to keep me going. The joy of our 11 days together kept me fired up for a while and the Joe's Jeans contest provided a welcome and exciting distraction. Two months post visit and any remaining embers have long been extinguished and I am left with only ash and smoke as I find my self in a rut again.

When I watch a really good movie I still wish he was here to share it with me and sometimes I save and re play his old voicemail messages just because I like to hear his voice. My enthusiasm to "get out there and have fun dammit" has fizzled out. I am so tired most of the time during the work week anyways that by the weekend all I really want to do is cyber date Mj. Is it weird that I would rather stay at home in front of my laptop with my not really there cyber fiance then to venture out and interact with real live people? I don't care if I go anywhere or do anything else as long as I get to see his handsome face for a few hours. When I go to sleep at night I imagine what it feels like to have his arms around me. When he is beside me sleep isn't something I hope for, it just happens. Every song I hear reminds me of him and that dull ache has crept it's way back into the center of my chest.

Every month that passes, every care package I've sent, every phone conversation we have is one step closer to seeing him again.

I have lived alone for going on 5 years and have always prided myself on my independence. So what did I do before he came into my life? I was a fully sometimes dysfunctional human being before we met so why is it so difficult to be without him now? Well, that was then. Before I knew any better. Before I knew how wonderful loving and living could truly be. Before he let the sunshine in.

Oh how I miss that man. Eleven months is a long time. Simply put my patience for life without Mj has worn thin. A part of me is missing and I can't get it back until he comes home.