Maintaining the Magic

On our wedding day

There are so many unhappy marriages in this world.  I don't have statistics but I venture to guess that for every happy and loving marriage there are at least five pairs of miserable dysfunctional marriages that are on the verge of collapse or already have.  I should know.  I used to be in one of them.  I am glad to say that my newly minted marriage is alive and well.  We love and respect each other.  The lines of communication are open and we have fun.  But for everyone of those marriages that are falling apart many of them started out just like us.  Happy, loving, affectionate.  Madly in love.  It is a huge reminder to me that although I know that Mj is the right person for me we are not just going to magically stay as in love as we are now forever without effort.  I think it's so important to put forth the effort and be conscious of that now when things are good to avoid having to try to do it later in a relationship that has been allowed to unravel into disrepair.

Dating Mj was such fun.  Our first date was dinner and even though it was also my first time meeting him I felt comfortable right away.  He planned our second one which was an all day date that included lunch, go cart racing and kite flying.  After the third date I was hooked.  I fed off of his energy and he showered me with gifts, love and all kinds of fun outings.  Learning new things about each other all the time was thrilling especially because the more I found out the more perfect he seemed for me.  Every time we were together was like a new adventure.  Issues and problems that we'd had with previous partners were a thing of the past.  Everything was different now that we'd found each other and it felt wonderful.  Every kiss, every touch, every time I got to see him was magic.

That was 3 1/2 years ago and we are 1 year into marriage.  We are no longer in that euphoric exciting fun filled newly dating and falling in love phase anymore.  That phase only happens when you are newly dating and falling in love and seeing as how we are no longer newly dating and have already fallen in love that phase of our relationships is over.  We still have fun but now our relationship has a whole new dimension to it.  We live together.  We have bills to pay.  I get to wash his dirty gym clothes and he gets to listen to me complain about him not putting his keys and sunglasses in the brown basket.  While we might not know everything there is to know about one another we know quite a bit and so that discovery process has slowed down.  Still, when he kisses me or says "I love you" just because my heart melts.  I'm still excited to see him.  We love spending time together and I love coming home to him every day.  I am as in love with him now as I was in those exhilarating days of dating and I want it to stay that way.

We are newlyweds just beginning our marriage journey.  Those early days of dating are in the past but I don't ever want to loose that wonder and attraction that made us fall in love with each other.  Therein lies the challenge.  We are no longer newly dating and freshly falling in love but we are in love and we need to keep that magic alive. It's so easy to communicate when everything is perfectly uncomplicated but what about when it's not?  The hardest decision we make isn't where we should go for dinner anymore, it's whether or not we should have kids, how much we should put into savings and who gets to clean the bathroom.  Communication is more important now then it ever was and having the courtesy and respect for each other that we started out with will only make it easier to maintain a healthy happy relationship.

The bottom line is that as a couple you should never stop doing the things that made you fall in love in the first place and add in new things that will keep you there.  Continue to be kind to each other.  Listen to each other and have fun together.  Think about the words you said on your wedding day.  Relationships, like people are constantly evolving.  As easy as it is in these early days of our relationship it might get more difficult as the years go on especially if we don't nurture and value what we have.  When I see those happy couples married for 20 + years with gray hair still out there slow dancing, holding hands and going on dates it makes me smile.  I know without a doubt that I want that to be us some day and it's up to us to make sure that it is.

Define Soulmate

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:  A soulmate ( or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul, which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate. In New Age spirituality, the ultimate soulmate is the one and only other half of one's soul. However, not everyone who uses these terms intends them to carry such mystical connotations

Dictionary.com
soul mate
-noun
a person with whom one has a strong affinity

soulmate
-n
a person for whom one has a deep affinity, esp a lover, wife, husband, etc

google.com/dictionary
soul mate Noun
1.  A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner

It really wasn't until I met Mj that the soul mate question ever really crossed my mind.  Up until then I was very doubtful of the concept and didn't give it much thought.  There is the life I led before Mj and the one I lead after.  The after is way better and such a stark contrast to the before.  I am a better happier person since I met him.  He literally saved me from myself.  The very fact that this person has transformed my life so much got me thinking.  If ever there was a soul mate then he must be it.  The answer you get when you ask someone about soul mates can be very telling about their relationship history.  It seems that if you have met your soul mate you know it and you are a believer.  If you have not then you aren't sure it exists and/or don't believe that you have met him.  The other question that comes to mind is can you have more then one?  If there is only one perfect soul mate in the entire world for you then the odds of finding that person are slim to none meaning that most who believe they have found their soul mate really haven't based on pure odds alone.  Makes sense, but I don't like those odds.  I think you can fall in love multiple times but all of those times won't be "real."  It's something you think is real and true at the time but don't realize it isn't until you have experienced it with a soul mate.

He is my heart

I don't think any of those definitions of soulmate do the word justice.  "A person for whom one has a deep affinity" could be anyone and a lot of  people at that.  A soul mate is more then a deep affinity.  It has to be.  I know there are mythical implications and I'm not really sure what I believe about all of that but I do believe that I have met my soul mate...whatever that is.  For me it means that I have met someone who is the perfect person for me in every way.  A person who I am meant to be with.  How else could our relationship be so easy and amazing?  How else could this sense of comfort, peace and certainty have washed over me despite all initial efforts to fight it? We have fun and enjoy spending time together. I am totally at ease in his presence.  There is no drama nor has there ever been.  I trust him completely.  There is this myth that relationships are hard.  Not only that, but that they are supposed to be.  If you believe this then maybe you haven't met your soulmate.  My relationship is not hard at all.  We don't fight.  We ebb and flow around and through each other as naturally as could be.  His strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa.  We are on the same page in so may ways.  We agree on a lot and what we don't is usually simple enough to resolve.  We know when to push or when to pull back without being told.  I find it difficult to even be mad at him.  We balance each other out in a way that makes loving him and being with him feel like something I was meant to do.  Does it annoy me that he has some sort of aversion to putting away his stuff?  Yes, but this amazing ability to love him deeply in spite of any flaw that he may have is somehow stronger then my annoyance.  Anything that comes with loving this man is worth putting up with and it hardly even feels like a sacrifice.  I may drive him nuts to no end but there he is every morning giving me a kiss before he goes to work while I'm still in bed.  We respect each other and I find him to be one of the the most handsome men alive.  Without a doubt I know that we will be in love and happy together for the rest of our life and that there is nothing that we can't handle together. 

Is this presumptuous?  Perhaps.  But it's the way I feel.  There is simply no doubt when it comes to him.  It is painful to even briefly summon the thought of what life would be without him.  I shake my head and push it away because of this feeling that life is not worth living unless he is by my side.  At times I am totally overwhelmed with this incredible feeling of love for him.  This indescribable wave of emotion that brims out of my heart and fills up my soul.  I am so lucky and happy that this wonderful person has been placed in my life.  Sometimes when he kisses me on the top of my head or gives me a tight little squeeze for no particular reason there is a moment of clarity where I say to myself, "Oh my gosh, he loves me." And it is such a thrill.  This is very powerful stuff!  I've been married before.  The first time around never felt even close to this.

He might be my soul mate but that doesn't mean that I can take him or our relationship for granted.  I'm not saying that challenges won't come our way or that there will never be problems.  Life is unpredictable and anything can happen.  Maybe we will eventually have an argument or something bigger to tackle but I feel that we are so well matched that we will be able to deal with it.  Together.  Having said all of that I still don't think I've defined soulmate but I'm ok with that.  Like Love it's a feeling more then anything else and experienced in so many different ways by different people that it cannot be fully captured or defined.  Words alone just don't do it justice.

Do you believe in soulmates?  If not, then why?  If so, have you met him?

Injured List

According to the weather report it was going to be a gloomy day so we decided to postpone our day date.  Mj went on his Saturday morning bike ride as planned and I just expected to spend the day at home relaxing.  I didn't think we'd end up at Kaiser Permanente.

I got the call right after I got out of the shower.  He said he dislocated his shoulder and that we'd be taking a trip to the doctor.  I found out which location had walk in hours and was ready to go by the time he made it back home.  He started biking with his friends last year and now he has all the gear that goes with it.  He has a road bike AND a mountain bike.  He has the tight spandex outfits in bright colors and the weird shoes that clip onto the pedals and everything.  Today they went about 25 miles east to the mountains for a 12 mile bike ride.  It was freezing, there was snow on the ground in some spots and the altitude was really high.  Poor guy.  About half way through the ride he took a toss over his handlebars and his shoulder was unfortunate enough to connect with the only rock in sight.  I don't know how he managed to clip his shoes out of his pedals in time to detach from his bike.  He had to half walk half ride his way back with a jacked up shoulder for 6 miles.  He's such a tough guy.  You would never even know how much pain he's in.  His tolerance is pretty high and he's not a whiner like I am.

Those bones should not be that far apart

Kaiser is so efficient.  We were in and out of there with X rays done and Rx in hand pretty quickly.   The bustling pharmacy is staffed with an army of white lab coats taking orders and getting people their drugs.  Turns out he has pulled the ligament that is supposed to hold his shoulder to the bone and it's separated pretty far.  They put him in a sling and he'll need to follow up with an orthopedic specialist to determine if it can heal on it's own or if it will require surgery.  He's going to be out of town next week for work so it'll have to wait until the week after.  He and his buddies had a mountain biking mancation to Utah planned for the end of next month.  At this point who knows if he will be recovered enough to do that.

It was only a matter of time before SOMETHING else happened.  He has a bit of an accident prone past.  Years ago before we met he sliced his face open in Army drill team tossing swords in the air.  I can't remember exactly how many broken bones he's had.   He busted his eye brow open two years ago playing basketball while overseas and had to get stitches.  The eyebrow scar it left is actually pretty sexy but that is besides the point.  He routinely comes home from mountain biking all scraped up and this is his second major spill.  I love it that he has a hobby he enjoys that gets him out with his friends and keeps him fit but I don't love it that it can be dangerous.  A car could run him over on the streets and they get to speeds of up to 45 mph on those skinny tires.  If you hit a pot hole or an unexpected dip you are done.  Mountain biking is even worse.  The terrain is rocky and slippery with gravel and dirt.   A biker could tumble off the side of a mountain if things went really wrong.  Thank goodness they wear helmets.  I suppose it could be worse.  He could be on a motorcycle.  Well, actually that will never happen because I already told him he better not ever even think about getting one of those.  Nope.  Not on my watch.

Winter Grillin'

He got a new toy

Neither sleet, snow, darkness or rain can keep him away

Nice grills are expensive! Mj had a good one but it got totally destroyed in the move.  I was thinking one of those old school three legged ones that has two wheels and takes actual charcoal would be good enough but that wasn't exactly what he had in mind.  After much shopping around and extensive research he finally found the perfect one one about a month ago.  It's easy to clean, the parts that dismantle are dishwasher safe and it's made of heavy cast iron.  It's still Winter and we haven't even hit Spring yet but that hasn't stopped him from getting out there.  He's grilled sliders, steaks, chicken, bratwurst and asparagus so far.  I usually watch him from the sliding glass door because it's too cold for me to go out there.  He's probably out there a couple times a week.  He loves it!  I think it might be hereditary.  When we went out to visit his family in Delaware in DECEMBER his dad was outside on the grill standing in the icy cold when we pulled up to the house.  Mj loves to cook inside so I guess it should come as no surprise that he likes to do it outside too.

Dinner!!

It's a giant monster of a propane grill and I don't even know how to use the darn thing.  Even so, I am looking forward to warmer weather and finally getting some patio furniture so I can get out there and enjoy it too.  I'm not sure I get what is so awesome about that grill that he is out there wearing flip flops in the cold trying to beat the rain to get our dinner cooked but I sure love to eat whatever comes off of it.  Tonight's chicken dinner. 

Some V Day Love

*Special Delivery:  Cookie bouquet*

I didn't expect anything thing for Valentine's Day.  Mj was out of town all weekend during the time when we might have done something.  He's not really into Valentine's day and although I used to be more so when we were first dating it doesn't matter to me as much as it used to.  I know he loves me.  We make sure to get in at least one date night a month so we already make a point to do special things together.  A lot of people are anti Valentine's because it's a holiday made up by the greeting card industry to make money and an excuse for all related industries to jack up their prices.  I totally agree, but I see nothing wrong with throwing in one extra day to show your sweetheart that you care as long as there is no pressure and high expectations for some grandiose outing and expensive gifts.  I just don't think all that is necessary.  Monday at work I received an unexpected delivery of giant festive lolly pop cookies.  What a sweet surprise, especially for a guy who isn't really into Valentine's Day!

Much needed tie rack for Mj.
Source: Bed, Bath, & Beyond. 

When I got home Mj was in the kitchen and I could already smell dinner cooking.  I ran upstairs and grabbed his gift.  It's sort of cliche but at the same time he actually really needed a tie rack, so that's what I gave him.  Now he doesn't have to keep them crammed into a drawer anymore.  I had time for an exercise video so I did that and then we sat down to a home cooked meal of chicken, fresh asparagus, and french bread with fresh garlic.  It was delicious like everything else he makes. 

dinner for two at home

Then, he tells me I have to go upstairs while he cooks a surprise dessert.  I sit in the loft as the aroma of Cinnamon, Chocolate and some other kind of sweetness filters up the stairs but I still have no idea what he's got up his sleeve.  About 35 minutes later he tells me to come downstairs and I see my favorite dessert in the whole wide world sitting there.  Molten Chocolate Lava Cake with Vanilla ice cream!!  I love it that they are a perfect petite size and the ice cream on the side is Dreyer's light with 1/2 the fat!  Does this man know me or what?  I have only ever enjoyed this dessert in restaurants and now it's right here at home and tastes just as good.  I enjoyed every bite and finished off my glass of wine.

My all time fave dessert, perfectly plated.

He ran up to finish playing PlayStation and I finished up the last of the dishes.  Incidentally, I broke a wine glass and just got busted for it because I forgot to tell him and he found it in the trash!  We watched Heavy on A & E and then went to bed.  I couldn't have asked for anything more.  My cookie bouquet and the time he took to make me dinner made me feel so special.  No big fancy night out or diamonds needed for this lady on Valentine's Day.  We don't go all out but I'm glad that we do acknowledge this day.  It's really the little things that go a long way to showing appreciation.  Day to day gestures of love and affection matter more then any one single day ever should.  As we lay in bed that night I whispered to him that he is a good husband and that I love him.  Because he is and I do and I'm still trying to figure out how I got so lucky.

Finding "The One"

*Me and "The One" on our wedding day*

I can still remember my first crush.  Dreaming that he would like me back while listening to mixed tapes that I recorded off the radio for hours in my room.  That longing aching sensation I had inside for a boy I didn't even really know.  He was a smart, cute basketball star and I just wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me.   Along with half the other girls in our school.  At the tender age of Fifteen I felt utterly heartbroken and alone because he never gave me a second glance.  I got over it eventually, but that first crush is something I'll never forget.

I was a "late bloomer."  The glasses didn't get traded in for contacts until Junior year in high school and the much needed orthodontia did not come until my Junior year in College.  In high school I was the girl who only got invited to two high school dances and never had a boyfriend.  I wanted a boyfriend so badly but kissing still seemed sort of disgusting.  Until I finally got to do it myself with my Senior Prom date just after high school graduation.  I cursed my non existent love life back then but as a wizened adult who's been around the block I can look back and say it was a good thing.  My cautious and tentative nature when it came to boys meant that I took things slow which meant that I was very selective with who I gave a chance and didn't have to kiss too many frogs to get to my prince. 

I met my first boyfriend when I was Eighteen and ended up marrying him.  It may have taken me a while to feel comfortable enough to have a boyfriend but once I made up my mind I was all in.  It was great at first.  Isn't it always?  Then, I began to realize that we were were simply too different to make it work.  What's with three years of dating and a four year engagement?  We clearly had reservations but we had been together so long it was our duty to tie the knot so that's what we did.  I didn't even know myself at 18 when we met and 10 years later was still trying to figure it out when I found myself divorced, in my late twenties and dating for the first time in my life.  After a 9 year relationship.

I had plenty of dates but very few connections.  There was a certain feeling that I was looking for and I wasn't going to settle or pretend.  Getting taken out to dinner was fun and all but I never knew how to negotiate that moment when I realized that I didn't like the guy "that way" and I didn't see the point of leading him on.  Dating was fun and being single was OK with me but I prefer having one special person and I found myself in relationship #2 with the proverbial "bad boy" before long.  If you could call it that.  Our relationship status was always a question mark so it never really felt like one and let's just say that he wasn't as "separated" as he claimed to be.  Being so inexperienced I was too naive to see what should have been obvious.  I still considered myself lucky for having been burned only once in my life by a man.

Oh, and remember that first crush?  Right around my dating years he resurfaced.  He lived out of state but when he was back home visiting he always made a point to call me and we'd meet up.  On one such visit, like something out of a movie, he gave me his high school Basketball jersey.  The very same one that I dreamed about having Thirteen years earlier just didn't have the same effect on me now.  He never noticed me before so he wasn't the right boy for me in high school nor the right man for me over a decade later.  That jersey represented everything I ever wanted when I was in the throes of that poignant teenage crush.  I had come full circle from that awkward lonely girl just wanting to be loved, to a woman that had no problem getting dates, who had loved and lost and was now OK with being on her own.

I had a brief but fun long distance romantic interlude with a guy from the other side of the US.  It was just what I needed to get over the two timer and get ready for the most important one yet.  Third time's a charm.  Fresh off of a quasi relationship I knew exactly how things were NOT supposed to be and was simply blown away by the difference.  The very next man who I handed my heart to and asked for love in return is the same man who I am happily married to three years after we met.  The same man who I expect to be married to the rest of my life.

I wasn't supposed to have a high school boyfriend.  I was meant to long for love in a way that would always make me remember how much I want it and just how precious it is.  I wasn't meant to have 10 boyfriends and several short lived romances.  It could have changed me and my path to "the one" in so many ways.  Instead, I was given two relationships and a time for dating in my late twenties.  Nobody plans on divorce, but I was meant to have a "starter" marriage to prepare me for the one that counts.  With each heart break I learned the lessons that I needed to learn and grew in the ways that I needed to grow.  I didn't know it yet but all along I was on the path towards "the one."  And when he came along I was ready for him.  The man I was meant to be with.

Relationships are so Hard

I was reading a friend's facebook status.  She posted "Relationships are so hard."   It's almost a no brainer to me as to why.  She sort of signed up for hard.  She is a 20 something who has shouldered the burden of being the main provider for herself and her 40 something year old boyfriend.  Not only can her boyfriend not fully take care of himself he is also unable to take care of his eight year old daughter so guess who supports her too?  Not only that but there is a crazy baby mama in the mix.  Then she tells me that she is actually the instigator in a lot of their fights.  I guess they deserve each other.  No wonder her relationship is hard but it got me thinking....are relationships really that hard?  Is my relationship "hard?"

My two previous relationships were in fact very hard but I have since come to realize the reason for that is because I was with the wrong person.  With both relationships they either started out hard or got there pretty quick which was clearly a sign even though I didn't want to see it.  Thank goodness those days are over.  My relationship with Mj has been smooth sailing from the start.  We met, we clicked and we were together.  No trust issues, no petty arguments and no ridiculous miscommunication blunders.  No drama.  We compliment each other and are on the same page.  When I am in a bad mood and feeling like a total bitch I just tell him not take it out on him.  He let's me get through my "mood" and to this day we have never had an argument.  We also keep the lines of communication open.  Our relationship is still young but the same is true of my friend and her boyfriend.  If you can't manage to get along and find a solid level of bliss early on do you really think it's magically just going to come later?  If it's "hard" now then what will it be in five years?  People who struggle and remain in difficult relationships are mostly kidding themselves.  I know because I did it myself.  If he doesn't call you, if you can't trust him, if you argue a lot for no reason or if every other day feels like a new battle then consider the possibility that this is not the person for you.  Unless some major things change the relationship certainly is not going to improve and if you can see that there are no changes taking place then it's probably best to move on.

Find someone who is right for you and eliminate the struggle.  Someone you don't have to question or wonder about. Someone who doesn't add stress to your life.  Everyone says relationships are hard work and I believe it but am happy to say that thus far mine has not been hard or work at all in any way. Unless you count having to be apart for 11 months which was indeed hard but had nothing to do with flaws in our relationship or how we interact with each other.  That separation presented many challenges but we dealt with them well.  Together.  Given time we may find that things become harder and we have to put in some of that work I keep hearing about to stay strong but I'm really glad to say that at least we didn't have to start out that way.  This reconfirms for me just how right for each other we are.  We have an amazing foundation and when the going gets rough we can draw on that to get through it.  In the meantime I will enjoy my not hard relationship and continue to tell my friend that unless they can change the dynamics of their relationship she needs to move on.  Chances are she will continue to not listen to me and I can only hope that one day she wakes up and realizes it doesn't have to be that way.  Like I did.

This whole weekend has been great.  Fri-Sun we mostly just hung out, watched movies and watched TV together with just a few little errands and outings and some housework thrown in here and there.  Today was yet another example of a wonderful day with hubby.  We were practically attached at the hip all day as we lounged around, cuddled and watched football all day enjoying our last day of the long weekend.  I love being with him.  There is nothing hard about that.

I Miss This Face

Sent via text message

Whenever he puts on that uniform it means he's leaving.  Two years ago it was for a month here and a week there that culminated in a year long deployment..  This year so far it's mostly a weekend  but this time around it was for a week.  They split his two week drill into two separate weeks so he was only gone one week but will be gone for another week next month.  Well, it's better then a year and after going through that a week or a weekend really is nothing but it still makes me sad.  He usually has to leave really early in the morning while I'm still in bed.  I wipe my eyes and put on my glasses so I can get a good look at his handsome face one last time.  He comes to my bedside to give me a hug and a kiss like he usually does before leaving for work except this time instead of a button up shirt and tie he's wearing his Army fatigues.  He sits on the bed and hugs me and I don't want to let go.  I kiss him a few extra times and hug him a little longer then usual.  He is freshly shaved and I rub my cheek against his smooth face and squeeze him extra tight.

As I lay in bed with my eyes closed I listen as the garage door opens downstairs and closes after he drives away and tears leak out of my eyes.  I wonder why it still makes me cry when it's only one week. When he's away it's like a little part of me is missing too.  Sunday I get a text message.  I open my phone and I start laughing.  He sent me this adorable picture.  I text him back  "I love this pic, you are so cute! Thank you."  This pic will get me through the week.  Looking at it makes me smile.

He is making the 5 hour drive back right now.  By the time I get off work he will already be at home waiting for me.  I'm cooking dinner.  Our pro wedding pics are online now but since he wasn't here we are going to look at them this weekend.  Together.

2 Amazing Years

Yesterday Mj and I had a wonderful day together. Nothing big. Sleeping in. Lounging around in pajamas for a bit. Catching a matinee [Shutter Island] and running a few errands. Cooking tostadas together and eating dinner and beer in front of the TV while watching a DVD. The sun was shining, the day was relaxed and I was happy. Just happy to be in that moment. Ordinary day or not it was perfect. I'd look at Mj and think to myself "Oh my god, how I love that man." This amazing feeling of love sometimes just overwhelms me. I look at him and I cannot believe that this amazing person is mine to have and to hold. He has gotten used to me just sort of staring at him for no apparent reason with this [hopefully] dreamy look on my face by now.

Like life a relationship is composed of moments. Snapshots in time. Not always perfect or ideal and often times pretty ordinary, but snapshots just the same that create the continuum of what we do and who we are. That moment that I met Mj was life changing for me. I certainly didn't know it at the time but I was meeting the man I always wanted and needed. He completes me. How corny is that? I mean, it is best known as a Jerry McGuire quote but corny or not it is so true. There aren't better words to describe it. I cannot imagine a world in which he does not exist. I don't want to.

Sometimes I get annoyed at him when he leaves his socks on the floor, his clothes hanging haphazardly over the couch or he looses something else. There has to be a laundry list of ways that I probably annoy him with my neat freak tendencies, pessimism, and being so darn picky when it comes to food just to name a few. He is not perfect. I am not perfect. We are not perfect. But that does not matter. We are perfect together and any imperfections he may have are drowned in the love that I feel for him. Sometimes I do not feel worthy, but he loves me despite all of my flaws. There is this level of comfort in the knowledge that simply being me is enough.

2 years ago today we had our first date on a rainy Saturday night. We got set up by my friend. They were both in Arizona for some Military schooling and at a get together and she had the bright idea after meeting him that we should meet up. And meet we did. Fall in love we did. And now I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I was working a promo job that night. I was downtown and when I saw a silver SUV pull up to the designated spot outside the convention center I walked right up to it and got in. I suppose he could've been a psycho or another guy who's calls I would have to dodge but instead he turned out to be my future husband. We ate dinner at Friday's. I was dating just for the hell of it but this one stood out for me because I genuinely laughed like I had not on any other date. It wasn't that ha, ha polite kind of laugh but one from the heart. This one was different.

One date led to another. I could only describe it as a whirlwind of fun, romantic dream dates and getting to know each other better. I would tell myself one day that this guy better not expect me to spend every weekend with him and then the next thing I knew that was all I wanted. I was reluctant to take this journey because of my issues, my fears and because of my past. My sometimes very depressed and often isolated lifestyle was not healthy and often unhappy but to change anything about it would mean to lose control and that terrified me. When it was just me I could and did neglect my own emotional well being but having him in my life meant I could no longer do that. I could no longer wallow in misery. It meant I needed to do better. Not just for me but for him too. Finally, I could no longer ignore what my heart was telling me and I chose happiness. It was really hard for me to let go and let love in but when I did I fell head over heels. We missed out on eleven months of our 2 years together when he was deployed but we quickly picked up where we left off and have made up for lost time. It was a tough time for me but he was well worth the wait.

I am sitting at my desk at work when I hear a man say he is looking for me. He walks back to my desk with a package from Edible Arrangements. I am puzzled and completely surprised. This day never actually became our official anniversary because we became engaged the same year that we met and changed it to that instead for the following year. Inside are chocolate & peanut butter covered apples and a note that says "Do you remember what day today is?...I do." And of course I remember. It was only one of the best days of my life. And I smile because I am lucky and happy. And because I remember all the times it felt like there was nothing worth living for and thanks to Mj I now know without a doubt that there is.

Cuddle Time Interrupted

I was almost late for work Friday morning. I am generally not all that thrilled about getting out of bed at 6:25 am no matter how much sleep I got but what made it so difficult that morning was Mj. As soon as my alarm went off and I turned to the right to hit snooze his arms encircled me and he rested his cheek on my back in such a cozy way that I smiled to myself and sighed as I snuggled back under the covers.

There it goes again. That darn alarm. Why won't it leave us alone? I hit snooze again for the second time which is normal. When it went off again this is normally the point where no matter how good it feels to be cuddled up I force myself to get out of bed because although I should get out of bed at 2 snoozes I haven't been able to get out of bed any sooner then 3 for a long time and that is REALLY pushing it. For some reason I ignored the voice of reason that told me if I didn't get out of bed RIGHT THIS MINUTE I was going to be late.

I enjoyed every last extra minute I got to stay in bed with Mj's warm arms around me. He is the best cuddler. I was just so comfortable and it felt so perfect to be right there in that moment that I didn't want to move. After that 4th snooze I finally disentangled myself from those amazing arms and threw my reluctant legs over the side of the bed to start my morning routine. I was rushing which I hate and just barely made it to work in time but it was worth it.

I hear so many women complain that their husband doesn't show them affection. He won't hold their hand and doesn't like to cuddle or hug. I am so glad I don't have that problem. I crave that physical affirmation of love and Mj has no problem with giving it to me.

That's just one more reason why I love the weekends. Not only do I NOT have to be forced out of bed by some annoying alarm clock but I get to cuddle as much as I want.