On Being Lazy

Every day when MJ came home from work  last week I was in the same place doing the same thing. Sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching TV.  By the 4th day I was actually starting to feel a little embarrassed.  He's at work all day, there are dirty dishes in the sink and yet there I sit day after day on my butt.  He's taking care of everything. Monday I changed it up and when he came home I was upstairs. Taking a nap.  The theme of last week was mostly pain management and this week it seems to be fatigue.  I'm sleeping on my sides more comfortably though and I'm finally able to cuddle up with MJ again.   

I can't sleep in so every morning I wake up early to do nothing.  I take a nice hot shower, put on my jammies and check the status of my swelly belly which is improving every day.  My belly button is no longer a bloody hole.  Eww!! It's now a scab.  Still gross!  I bring my pillows downstairs and pop a pill. I'm eating breakfast at the table now and when I'm done I arrange my pillows around me on the couch just so with my ipad, iphone, remote and water bottle within reach. And you know what? I love it. It feels so wrong to admit that I love being lazy but I really do. I love that for once in my life there is not a damn thing I have to do.  I have no responsibilities.  I feel like a bum but this is what my body needs me to do right now.  Last Friday I tried something different and it didn't go so well. 

My first post surgery outing was Friday after being inside the house for an entire week.  MJ needed to drop his car off at the dealership for service really early in the morning and we'd stop for breakfast down the street on the way back.  Easy peasy right?  We both thought it would be good for me to get out.  Big mistake.   The dealership is only about 20 minutes away.  On the way there I was aware of every single bump.  I only had to stand briefly while he turned in his car and got a rental but by the time we were half way to breakfast I was feeling it.  I walked in there like I had a stick up my butt determined to enjoy it.  When I got home I was immediately on my back surrounded in pillows with a very swollen belly and pains for the rest of the day.  That delicious veggie hash was worth it though!

It really just goes to show you how much we are actually doing every day just being out in the world even when we think we aren't doing all that much.  Just when I thought I was feeling good my body said not so fast lady and told me to go back to sitting on my butt.  My parents came down on Saturday but I haven't gone anywhere since. 

When I got home that day I opened this sweet little care package from my mom and literally burst into tears.  I was just sobbing.  I'm not really sure why.  I'm emotional but usually not THAT emotional.  I was in pain and flustered that a 2 hour errand did me in and there was just something about these simple yet thoughtful gifts that really touched my heart.  Sometimes it really is the little things that mean so much.  It was so sweet that she found these little things that she knew I'd love.

Laziness is not considered an attractive quality. We are taught that lazy is bad.  Most of us anyways.  And the ones that see lazy as a way of life don't usually get very far.  But why does it have to be so wrong when it feels so right?  I wouldn't want to marry someone who sits on the couch all day for no good reason.  What kind of life and what kind of relationship could you have if you did absolutely nothing?  As tantalizing as it sounds even if I never ever had to go back to work I would not make lazy my new occupation.  Not that I wouldn't want to 'cause it's actually pretty awesome; but ultimately I really wouldn't like myself and I'm pretty sure MJ wouldn't like me either.  I'm no overachiever but I have to be productive in some way or else I feel like crap.  Obviously going to work every day is the main thing but in addition to that whether it be working out, writing, blogging, cleaning, errands, paying bills, I have to do something that feels like I did something in order to feel good about myself.  No matter how good it feels to do nothing eventually the feelings of guilt and disgust at myself would eat me alive.  It's hard enough not to feel down on myself right now even though nothing is what I'm supposed to be doing.  

Last week sitting up without back support and holding my arms over a keyboard was exhausting but I'm getting stronger so this week it's different.  I'm still usually sitting on the couch by the time MJ gets home but in the morning after breakfast is novel writing time.  It would be ridiculous not to use some of this precious time off for that.  Even though I do nothing else I'm already feeling better about myself. 

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