Vaccinated in a Parking Garage

Most of the posts about the covid-19 vaccination from people I follow on Instagram express excitement or relief about getting their vaccine. For me, it's neither. It was pretty naive of me, but this time last year I was thinking about the vaccine as something that would save us all. In my mind, the vaccine would be the key to opening up the world and things getting back to normal, but as time went on I realized it was a lot more complicated than that. It's a start, but it's not going to be the magic bullet I kinda thought it would be. Not only that, I was scared to get it. 

My Frozen Shoulder: One Year Later

This time last year I was recovering from a Manipulation Under Anesthesia with the hopes of unsticking my shoulder. I'd been dealing with pain from a torn rotator cuff since the Summer of 2016. The pain got worse and worse until it eventually froze in August 2017. In September I was diagnosed with Adhesive Capsulitis. When I say it froze, I quite literally mean that my shoulder joint froze. At it's worst, I could barely lift my arm enough to get a razor in to shave my arm pit. I could not lift my arm fully above my head or extend the angle of shoulder open past 90 degrees. I don't think I fully realized how much I needed my shoulder to rotate on ball and socket, until I lost my ability to do so. The human body is amazing and it was especially designed that way for a reason.

Physical Therapy is Super Fun

Adhesive capsulitis, also known as frozen shoulder syndrome is really weird. The tissues in my shoulder became tight and inflamed. Scar tissue and adhesions that are not supposed to be there formed making it hard to move my arm. The manipulation under anesthesia (MUA) is meant to break that tissue with aggressive movement and manipulation of my arm. It might also include a scope with tiny scissors through an incision in my shoulder, if the adhesions could not be sufficiently broken. The anesthesia team came by before hand and told me I would be given a nerve block shot prior to being put under anesthesia, but that I'd get a little something in my IV to relax me.

Bummer. I was hoping that the whole thing would happen while I was completely knocked out.

Surgery or no Surgery? That is the Question

If my doctor had asked me in November last year if I wanted shoulder surgery my answer would have been yes. Without hesitation. Yes! Put me under. Give me the knife. Just make the pain stop! I was really, really over it by then. Physically pained, and mentally exhausted by living that way for so long.

Disclaimer: I have no recollection of this photo being taken due to drugs

Despite all efforts, to rehab my torn rotator cuff in physical therapy I was still in a lot of pain, and had been for a year. Just to recap. Summer of 2016 I felt a twinge of pain in my shoulder when I did push-ups. By November of that year, the twinge of pain during exercise morphed into an excruciating stab of pain every time I reached for something above my head or to my right. By January 2017 I was in with my primary doctor, who suggested exercises (which I did faithfully) and a follow up appointment if it got worse. I went back to my primary in March. I was referred to Orthopedics, X-rayed and MRI'd. Diagnosis: 7 mm tear of the rotator cuff. I had my first physical therapy appointment in April. I was really committed to physical therapy three times per day. There was some improvement, but I was still in pain doing most of the exercises, up until my very last PT appointment in June before leaving the country for six weeks.

My Shoulder is What?

I sleep with a teddy bear.  I know it sounds weird, and I know I'm way too old for stuffed animals, but you see my shoulder is frozen.  And when I say frozen, I actually do mean frozen.  Sleeping on my stomach is not comfortable, and sleeping on my right side is not possible. I know better than to even try.  I can sleep on my left side okay as long I stuff a pillow under my armpit for support, but I spend most nights sleeping on my back.  That's how the giant teddy bear found it's way from the basket in the spare room to my bed.  I can't rest my hand on my belly when I lay down.  It's really  bizarre how it just sort of hangs there hovering above my stomach like a limp rag.  Teddy gives me another option besides leaving it stiffly at my side.  I wrap my arms around him, and generally contort him into whatever shape I need to get comfortable.

Sometimes it's all Just a Little too Much

September was the worst.  

Coming home after 6 weeks abroad was fantastic. There were spiders in every corner of my kitchen. Disgusting Spiders. And you know how much I hate spiders? A lot. It's just one reason I really need my husband to come home. I'm so afraid of spiders that I took my garage door opener with me to Germany, and it's not because I drove to Germany or even to the airport.  My car was in the garage the whole time I was gone, but I knew I'd never make it through the front door of my house in the dark with my luggage through cobwebs (I knew were waiting for me) without some serious mental trauma.

I was also really thrilled to show up at the post office on Saturday afternoon to collect my mail only to be told there was no record of my mail hold.  How are they going to send me an email that my mail hold is ending soon when they never even did it in the first place? I was beyond annoyed.

The other awesome thing that welcomed me home was my dear old friend insomnia. Return to USA jet lag was not so bad. Dead tired at 7pm, deep sleep, and wide awake at 4:30am (before my alarm) was doable. I could work with that, but as the days progressed, tired at 7pm, barely any sleep, and an alarm clock that goes off at 6:30am, leaves much to be desired.  Grocery shopping. Meal prep. I missed it so much! The familiar zombie like routine of work, eat, skip the work out cause I'm too tired, and then go to bed so I can not sleep was back in full effect. I was not impressed.

What most of my weekends look like lately and I'm not mad about it

Injured List

Sometime last summer between Bikini Body Guide Week 13 and Healthy Body Guide Week 12 I injured my shoulder.  It hurt when I did those push-ups where you stick your butt up in the air, but I didn't think anything of it.  I was working out 5-6 days a week so there were always aches and pains.  I was sore for like two months straight, and my knees always hurt.  I can work through pain, and pain is all I thought it was.  After a while I stopped doing push-ups that hurt, and stuck with regular ones.  I figured maybe I'd just tweaked my arm somehow, and that it would eventually go away.

But it didn't. 

I did circuit training workouts with cardio in between from January through September.  As planned, I went to Hawaii in October feeling better about my body than I had in a long time.  When I returned, I settled into a less intense and less structured workout schedule.  I bought a Yoga strap and was excited about shifting my focus to Yoga, and working on my back flexibility, but by the end of November I could barely lift my purse.  Up until then, my shoulder only hurt when I did those butt in the air push ups (also known as pike push-ups), but suddenly I couldn't lift my arm, or reach for things, without a searing pain ripping through shoulder.  I couldn't sleep on my right side or my stomach.  All arm workouts ceased.  I couldn't even do yoga.

I have bad knees.  I can't overwork my lower half, so I cut down to walking and/or running on weekends one leg circuit training workout per week, until eventually I quit the one circuit too. The only thing I really felt comfortable doing without knowing what was wrong with my shoulder was walking, but also I was burnt out.  The weather was cooler, the days were getting shorter, and my Insomnia was bad so when my shoulder pain started to take over, I kind of gave up.  If I moved my arm a certain way, or even moved it too fast it hurt.  Even simple things like driving, opening doors, and lifting my arm to wave at someone hurt.  I couldn't even cuddle with my husband unless he is on my left hand side.  I'd started walking around with my elbow stuck to my side because that was the best way to ensure there would be no painful movements.

I went to the doctor in January and got sent home with a list of shoulder exercises.  I did them diligently every day, and my shoulder started to feel worse.  Then it started to feel better.  Then it started to feel worse.  I went back to the doctor and pushed for a referral to Orthopedics, because in my eyes, this was way past a wait and see situation.  I needed some answers.  Orthopedics sent me for an MRI in March which confirmed a tear in my Supraspinatus rotator cuff muscle.  Physical Therapy started in April. 

There are four rotator cuff muscles in the shoulder.  One along the top, two across the back, and one that runs up the side. That's the one I tore.  It affects abduction, so for me it's kind of like having a dead arm.  My arm feels about 50 times heavier than it actually is.  I actually feel gravity pushing against it whenever I activate my muscles to lift my arm.  Depending on the motion I either feel weakness or pain.  Sometimes it aches from my shoulder all the way to my collar bone with no movement, and other times I forget it's injured until I'm trying to pull up my covers while lying in bed or reaching over to hit the switch for the garage door on my way out. 

I wasn't sure how I was going to fit in my daily physical therapy exercises, but I make it work because a rotator cuff tear is not the kind of thing that will just go away on it's own.  I wish it would.  I do a set of exercises before work, a set when I get home, and the last set before I go to bed.  I do this every single day, because being injured sucks and I don't even want to think about having surgery.  At my last physical therapy appointment they added three additional exercises.  Two months later, there is some improvement, but it also seems to be up and down.  Some days are better than others.  I can sleep on my stomach now, which is pretty exciting, and less things are causing me pain throughout the day, but my arm is still not 100%.  Not even close.  It's very stiff in the mornings and getting in and out of shirts and sweaters still hurts.

I don't want this to turn into a chronic pain type of situation.  I want to handstands and bridges again.  I want to be able to do push ups, and as much as I love to hate it, I even want to do Bikini Body Guide again, but until then, I'll be in the corner working my therapy bands and over the door pulley system from the 1980's.  Last month I realized I'd be on vacation in a bikini in less than two months and had only been running on the weekends.  Oops.  So I started a no impact mostly abdominal/lower body toning workout I can do with only a few adjustments multiple times per week without moving my arms too much.

What a difference a year makes.

I still don't know know why or how, but the cuff is torn.  I'm being careful with my shoulder.  I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and hopefully the physical therapy does what it's supposed to be doing and I'll be using that Yoga strap in the not so distant future.

New Year, New Scale

I confess.  I have a scale addiction.  I have only weighed myself every single morning for as long as I can remember.  When I'm on vacation I can't, except that one time I found a scale under the sink at the Bellagio in Las Vegas of all places.  So when I was contacted about receiving a Beets BLU Bluetooth smart scale in exchange for review, my answer was YES.  Does this fit my brand or does it fit my brand?  Not that we don't already have two scales at home or anything.

We each came into the relationship with our own scale.  Mine weighs in half pound increments, but his weighs in increments of .2 so mine was relegated to the extra bathroom.  The Beets BLU Bluetooth Scale does that and a whole lot more.  It measures weight, body fat, muscle mass, water level and bone density percentages.  It also tells you how much of your weight is lean body mass and calculates your BMI.  Like everything else, there's an app for that.  I think it will be good for me to have another number besides weight to track progress.  There is much debate over how accurate these things are, but considering the best and truest way to measure body fat is a DEXA machine or underwater weighing that most people don't have access to I think it can be a helpful tool to establish a baseline if nothing else.  My understand is that a harmless electric current passes through your body to measure resistance.  The greater resistance the greater body fat.  The next best thing after this, is body fat calipers.  That being said, based on past testing I do think the number I'm getting is fairly accurate.

I'm finding that the Smart Scale app needs to be open in order for all the information to transmit.  Once you step on the scale, there is one beep to indicate that weight has been recorded and a second beep to indicate the rest.  The weight comes up faster than any scale I've ever stepped on.  No hesitation at all.  Anyone can step on it at any time for weight.  It shows up on the scale, but the app is required to obtain the rest of the information.  I am secretive about my weight, so I make sure the phone is on vibrate because the app recites all of your stats out loud.  It's especially fun when you don't like what you hear.  The app graphs changes daily, weekly and over a 30 day period and is very easy to download and navigate.  Multiple users can download the app and have individualized information sent to their app. 

I like it.  We both do.  He likes almost anything with Bluetooth and I like that it's sleek and nice to look at.  So now I have this cool little syncing circle going on.  My weight records where I want it to without me having to do anything.  I use Lose it! to track calories and weight.  The scale does not sync with Lose it! but it does sync with the Health App on my iPhone which syncs with just about everything.  The Smart Scale app sends my stats to the Health App which sends it to Lose it!  Simple.  Now if only getting and staying in shape were as easy as that.

I am not one of those "I just go by the way my clothes fit," people but I am thinking I may do an experiment where I weight in daily as usual, but don't look at the information for at least a week.  It would probably be really good for me to see what it's like not to be aware of that number day to day.  I do not necessarily advocate daily weigh-ins.  I know there are other ways to track progress, but I think having an accurate scale is helpful if you are working on weight loss goals.   The extra information the scale provides is a bonus.  It sure can creep up on you the older you get, and even if you aren't trying to loose weight it's a good way to make sure that you are staying on track.  If you are in the market for a scale that measures body fat this is a good one.

Body Talk

I don't floss but I don't get cavities.  I've never had anything like bronchitis or strep throat.  I don't get the flu shot and I don't get the flu.  I have vague memories of shivering and sweating in bed as a teenager so I may have had it before but it's been so long that I can't remember.  I have a stomach of iron and I don't know what heart burn or indigestion feels like because I've never had either.  Exactly one year ago I had surgery and was back at work in three weeks.  Like a perfect all knowing machine my body knew exactly what it needed to do to heal and get me back to living the life I love.   I can barely see my hand right in front of my face but it's correctable with contacts.  I have loud creaky knees and a sometimes bad back but I still climbed a really big mountain a few weeks ago.  It aggravated my old lady knees and I could barely walk for days days, but I was able to do it because my body allowed me to. 

It dawned on me around November of last year when people were being struck down left and right with illness that I hadn't been sick for a single solitary day in the calendar year 2014.  Not once.  I actually had to check my blog to find out that the last time I got sick enough with a cold to miss a day of work was January 2013 and it had been a year prior since I was sick before that.  Last month there was one occasion where I had a weird cough and another that I felt a little stuffy at night for a few days but nothing that materialized into anything requiring a day off work, medication or even tissues.  So what's my secret?  The truth is, I don't have one.  I am absolutely not perfect in my diet and exercise and I've only recently gotten more regular with vitamins.  When I'm not eating hamburgers the size of my head I have a solid awareness of what a healthy diet is and that's what I eat.  I exercise regularly except when I'd rather watch reality TV or snuggle in bed with a good book than work out.  There isn't always an explanation for good health just as there isn't always one when it's bad.

My first thought when I realized I haven't been sick in so long was Holy immune system you are really good!!  I'll probably get the plague, the measles or at least a really rotten cold for publicly acknowledging that I haven't been sick in two years; but it's the truth and it's pretty awesome. My second thought.  You are mighty ungrateful for someone who has been graced with such good health.

I know I'm lucky and I don't take my good health for granted.  I never did, although my actions told a slightly different story.  An unhealthy aversion to fat and calories dominated my life for a really long time but in my mind it wasn't a problem.  I wouldn't listen to anyone who said you have to put gas in your car in order to fuel it because I was getting away with it.  There was hardly any gas and yet there I was chugging along.  My trusty body stood up to the abuse like a champ and thrived in spite of my poor nutrition.  Things are different now.  Over the last year I had to accept this whole eat to live concept, but the voice in my head that drove my actions all those years remains.   I should be grateful for my good health.  I am grateful, but sometimes I have to ask myself; how truly grateful I can be when I don't love my body?

I love my body for what it has done but not at all for what it is and sadly, I have never loved any version of my body no matter the size.  I can pick up any journal I've ever written since I was ten years old and find something negative about my shape or weight.  My physical form is a vehicle for life but also a source of conflict.  It's like being trapped in an unwanted shell that you cannot escape.

One day I was in the bathroom using a hand mirror to stare at my butt when my husband walked in.  Let's be real.  I can't be the only woman who has ever done this.  Normally, I hide my hate sessions and would have quickly put the mirror down but I didn't bother.  He's heard me give every excuse in the book to avoid dinner and held me while I cried about my thighs.  There are really no secrets left when it comes to this and as much as he loves my body the way it is he already knows I don't.  He gave me a funny look.

"What? Haven't you ever used a hand mirror like this to look at your butt?"  I asked sarcastically because I already knew the answer.  Of course not.

It struck me as some otherworldly state of being not to have ever done such a thing because I really don't know what it's like to not hate my body.  I can't imagine an existence where I don't use a hand mirror so that I can hate-see my butt.  Where I don't avoid the mirror because I dread what I will see or am compelled to look so that I can shake my head in disgust.  I've pinched, criticized and compared for so many years that I don't even know what I look like anymore.  Objectively, I know that I am not this hideous creature I see in my head and that my harsh opinion is terribly skewed and therefore lacks merit.  I know this, and yet those negative thoughts still speak the loudest.  I've starved.  I've overexercised.  I've called myself fat.  The physical war is over, but the mental war inside my head won't quit and I haven't figured out how to shut off the voice telling me my body is not good enough. There is no reason that any woman at any size should look in the mirror and be so blinded that they can only see what needs fixing. Who's to blame?  How does this happen?  I can't very well blame the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show because this all started before I even knew what Victoria's Secret was.  I can't say that I'm not affected by those images, because I most definitely am, but it's so much more complex than that.  

I've loathed it to the moon and back but all it has ever shown me in return is love.  My body has never let me down.  It does everything it's supposed to do and I should love it wholeheartedly because that's what it deserves. My body deserves better.  I deserve better.  There are people with chronic and/or life threatening illnesses and people get sick every time the wind blows so it does feel kind of ridiculous to be so hung up on something like this.  I'm not one to cuss much, but really; I'm too old for this shit.  Life is too short to spend it hating the very thing that allows you to live.  I'm working on it.  That's really all I can say and hopefully one day I'll learn to appreciate my body for the amazing things it does and for what it looks like.

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More Energy Please

I'm back!! Vacation was awesome.  My blog reader has over 600 unread blogs, I have a tan line wrapped around my neck visible above my scoop neck top and a million pictures to go through.  I'm feeling twice as energetic on the Monday after my vacation as I did the Monday before my vacation so that means it did it's job.  I am officially refreshed, but how long before I start burrowing my head into my pillow in misery on Monday's again?  

Is it just me or does anyone else ever feel tired all day every day for no good reason?  MJ is an energizer bunny.  He's hardly ever tired, but not me.  Sometimes I wake up tired.  Go to work tired.  Come home tired.  Go to bed tired.  Then I do the same thing all over again the next day like some kind of chronic fatigue thing that never seems to go away no matter how much sleep I get or how much exercise I do.  I know that mood and diet have a lot to do with your energy.  It makes sense to be exhausted if you are depressed and not eating a healthy diet but now that I'm doing better in those areas it was really annoying to find that I was still chronically fatigued.  Life is way too short to be tired all the time.

 I've started and stopped taking multi vitamins a million times over.  I'd do really good taking them for awhile and then I'd start forgetting and quit altogether.  I'd think about taking it but say, oh well why bother because it didn't seem to be doing anything for me anyway. Bodies are so different.  What works for one person may do nothing for another.  I heard all of these wonderful things about vitamin B12 so I took it religiously for a while and it didn't do a thing so I quit.

I was researching something else and stumbled across three vitamins that kept coming up so I went out and bought all three.  I've been taking a 5,000 IU Vitamin D, a 1000mg Vitamin C and three 400mcg folic acid tablets for going on two months now and I think I finally found something that works.  It took about a month for me to feel any different but once I did I was very motivated to keep taking them every day.  It's a lot easier to remember if you actually feel like it's  benefiting you.  I'd get to work and wonder what was going on.  Why am I not tired?  When I get home I don't want to just fall asleep on the couch.  I'd go to bed anyways because I know I need my sleep but I wasn't feeling as dead tired as I was before.  I'm still tired when I don't get enough sleep but day to day I'm finding that I'm just not as tired as I used to be and that is a very good thing because sleepwalking through life is no fun.

I'm also taking 2 Fish Oil tablets with dinner every night as part of my meal plan which is an Omega 6 fatty acid that is supposed to be good  for your heart.  Once I run out of the Vitamin C I'm going to switch to a multi vitamin that has at least 1,000mg of C and supplement with a slightly lower dose Vitamin D and Folic Acid to make up the difference.   Most Multi's actually don't have a whole lot of D and I really think that's what's doing the trick for me.  Or maybe not.  Maybe it's the combination of the three.  Who knows.  I just know that it's really nice to not be dead tired when I get to work every day.  This combination is also very good for vaginal health.  So yeah, that was the other thing I was researching.

I bought this really cute Vita Carry pill case on Amazonbecause rushing to open three bottles every morning was a pain in the butt.  This way I can keep it in my purse and take them at work.The giant fish oil pills fit and it's a lot better looking then those old school looking pill cases they sell at Walgreens. 

Vacation works better then vitamins.  I skipped all vitamins and I still had tons of energy while we were gone.  I ALWAYS have energy for days when I'm on vacation and my chronic fatigue issues magically disappear; which is just one thing I love about vacation.  The only problem is that life is not a vacation.  Life is 45 hours a week at work and fitting in everything else in between so I'm back on my vitamin regimen and I hope it keeps working.

Do you take vitamins?  What works or doesn't work for you?

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The Glass is Half Full (Even When You Have Stitches in Your Mouth)

So, about 2 months ago I got this bump on the inside of my bottom lip.  It wasn't too bothersome.  It got bigger then it got smaller.  Initially, you just kind of shrug these things off so it took me a while to figure out that it was the same one and that it didn't seem to be going away.  I did what I always do when I have strange symptoms.  I took it to Google and self diagnosed myself with a cyst that was probably not going to go away.  Ever.  At one point I though maybe the inter-webs were wrong because it got super flat and stayed away for about a week but then it came back bigger and badder then ever.  And maybe I could have lived with it if it were in a different location but my bottom teeth kept hitting it making it tender and uncomfortable.  I scheduled a doctor's appointment when I realized there was a good chance it wouldn't go away and was referred to a head and neck specialist appointment for the following week.

I wasn't sure what to expect at the appointment.  Would they tell me to wait and see?  Would they remove it that day?  Would they schedule a different appointment to remove it?  I sat down in the exam room and the doctor confirmed what I'd found out on the internet.  It's a mucocele cyst caused by a blocked salivary gland and sometimes they do but there is a very good chance it won't go away.  I asked if he could just pop it rather then actually dig it out and he said no.  My body is trying to make saliva and as long as that gland is blocked it would just build right up again.  Bummer.  He could perform oral surgery right then and there to remove the gland and the cyst.  There would be cutting and stitches involved but it would only take 15 minutes.  I wasn't mentally prepared to be cut that day, but when are you ever?  I realized that if I left I would just give me more time to worry.  I'd just have to come back and in the meantime I'd still be suffering with the cyst.  I told him I'd wait and think about it so the nurse went to get me a business card.  Just when the doctor was standing up to leave, I changed my mind.

Hope this pic isn't too gross for my blog.

There were two numbing shots which really hurt.  Then I didn't feel much.  Then there was this burning smell like a campfire.  Not entirely unpleasant unless it's coming from your mouth.  Then there was some tugging.  I knew that had to be the stitches.  As promised about 20 minutes later I was on my way home with 4 stitches and a swollen bottom lip.  When the numbing medication wore off I thought I was going to be really, really bad off and it was for a little while but I took an Ibuprofen and that helped.  The doctor had the nerve to say that most people really aren't in that much pain.  What?  It hurt!  I think it hurt more then my abdominal laparascopic surgery if that makes any sense at all.

It hurts if I talk too much but I'm getting used to the feel of prickly stitches in my mouth.  They are supposed to dissolve in a week.  It was throbbing in the morning but it's feeling better now.  My bottom lip is still swollen, I use straws out of the right side of my mouth and I have this odd sensation that people are looking at me funny trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with me.  

Things like this suck but it really makes me stop and appreciate the fact that I have really good health insurance.  I have no idea how much my laparascopic surgery cost.  I'm sure it was in the five figures but I didn't pay a dime for any of it and I walked in and out of oral surgery without paying anything.  I don't have a deductible to meet or even a co pay for doctor visits and I only pay $5 for Rx's.  As long as it's just me and my spouse I don't pay for these benefits at all.  It's totally free.  About 8 years ago I didn't have health insurance at all for almost two years.  I went to planned parenthood for necessities and luckily nothing happened but what if it had?  As much as I complain about the daily grind that is work I have to be grateful (and I really, really am) because it's what gets us such amazing benefits.

The glass is always half full.  Even when you have stitches in your mouth.  There was a time when I couldn't see it that way but I'm glad that I do now.

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Post Op Observations

I REALLY love sleeping on my tummy and I HATE sleeping on my back.  When I am forced to sleep on my back all night my butt is literally sore when I wake up.  After 2 weeks side sleeping was more comfortable but I cannot wait to get back on my stomach.  I don't know now pregnant women do it.

I'm perfectly content doing nothing.  During my the 23 days off I left the house exactly 7 times.  I did not at any time become bored with staying home.  Not surprising.  I'm a classic introvert.

My purse is ridiculously heavy.  One day I was trying to get it out of my car and it actually strained my belly.  What the hell is in there?  The thing is that there really isn't much.  My what's in my purse post would be so boring, but dang it sure is heavy.  I need to figure out what's going on.

My husband still sends me flowers even though we have all but sworn of Valentine's day and don't really celebrate anniversaries either.  As expected I came back to work and was hit with a crap ton of work.  This is our busiest time of year so I knew it was coming.  As soon as I got there it was non stop and it really sucked to be there.  Just when the pain was hitting me I got a 1st day back at work flower delivery from MJ.  It was so sweet and it felt so much sweeter receiving it on that day then getting it on Valentine's Day ever would.

MJ is truly AMAZING!!  I already knew that but this is just additional confirmation.  He picked up the slack around the house without complaint AND he thinks I'm hot.  Even with my Buddha belly and sexy surgical tape he tells me how hot I am and it really means a lot to me.  All of this on top of no sex.  It had to be said.  The man is a saint.

I might be an adult but I am still my mother's child.  My parents were right there the day after and my mom was constantly checking up on me to see how I was doing and asking me if there was anything that I needed.

I did not get this dress but if enough people tell me it's cute I might go back for it

Sitting upright in a chair for 8 hours is harder work then you might think.  My first day back at work was really hard.  The belt came off.  The top button came undone.  Then the zipper came down.  By 11am my belly was hurting pretty bad to the point where if it didn't get better I'd have to go home.  I took a motrin and it got better so I toughed it out.  Tuesday was better but then Wednesday felt worse.  I sit down in front of a computer all day long so I didn't think it would be this hard to go back.  Now I know how silly it was for me to think I could go back after two weeks when I probably really need at least four. 

Leggings, dresses and boots is a work fashion do.  I've never much been into dresses let alone dresses with boots so this is all new to me.  I bought 6 new dresses at Old Navy and a bunch of leggings and tights from Kohl's.  I don't plan on wearing regular pants to work for awhile.  A totally justified shopping spree!! If I have to be there I might as well be comfortable and now I will have even more options for getting dressed in the morning. 

Wearing Uggs is another work fashion do.  I've never worn  them before because it seemed too unprofessional but when I reached for my shoes on Friday morning I didn't care.  Its been too warm to wear them lately but It was rainy and cold and they were lucky I showed up to work dammit!  Turns out it's not a big deal just like I knew it wouldn't be since we don't have a dress code.  Nobody looked at me funny.  I'm still not sure how cute Uggs are but they make my feet feel good.  I think I'm going to make a habit of it.  They don't call it casual Friday for nothing. 

The world won't end if I miss work for 3 weeks and use up a whole bunch of my sick hours.  My duties at work were shuffled around and when I came back I was able to dig right in and pick up where I left off.  I had the hardest time letting go of those hours but I hardly ever call in sick anyways.  I will build up my reserves again.

I may have a prescription drug addict lurking inside of me.  Those hydrocodone pills are the bomb!  I stopped taking them at night after two weeks but I took them again last week.  I could still justify taking them because I do still have some pain but mainly they are awesome sleeping pills.  I did not sleep well on Sunday night and I could not spend a week of work and not sleeping well so I did what I had to do.  As soon as those waves swept over my body I was out like a light in a nice deep sleep and still felt refreshed in the morning.  I picked up some over the counter sleeping pills over the weekend so I'll switch over to that but I will miss the good stuff.
 
Don't believe everything you read.  I read so many horror stories on the internet but I worked myself up over nothing.  The surgery itself went very smoothly and recovery hasn't been that bad.  It's been up and down.  I felt so good so fast and then it just leveled off so that after the two week mark I started to get frustrated that I wasn't 100% back to normal yet.  I think I can do more then I can and then don't realize I've pushed myself until after I've already done it.  I still have some aches and pains and my stomach still swells up after I move around a lot.  I'm doing really well overall and with time I expect to be back to normal.

I am brave.  Kind of.  I get worked up if I skin my knee and I'm terrified of spiders.  For a wimp I think I handled this okay.  MJ may beg to differ.  There is something about facing a surgery and coming out okay on the other side that makes me feel that maybe I'm not quite as wimpy as I thought.

Modern medicine is amazing.  My incisions are tiny and barely visible.  When I look at my doctor I'm amazed.  She is young, pretty, obviously very smart and knows how to operate on someone through tiny holes.  She literally takes peoples lives in her hands.  My mind is boggled by the concept that such a thing can be done and that there are people in the world capable of learning it.  

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On Being Lazy

Every day when MJ came home from work  last week I was in the same place doing the same thing. Sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching TV.  By the 4th day I was actually starting to feel a little embarrassed.  He's at work all day, there are dirty dishes in the sink and yet there I sit day after day on my butt.  He's taking care of everything. Monday I changed it up and when he came home I was upstairs. Taking a nap.  The theme of last week was mostly pain management and this week it seems to be fatigue.  I'm sleeping on my sides more comfortably though and I'm finally able to cuddle up with MJ again.   

I can't sleep in so every morning I wake up early to do nothing.  I take a nice hot shower, put on my jammies and check the status of my swelly belly which is improving every day.  My belly button is no longer a bloody hole.  Eww!! It's now a scab.  Still gross!  I bring my pillows downstairs and pop a pill. I'm eating breakfast at the table now and when I'm done I arrange my pillows around me on the couch just so with my ipad, iphone, remote and water bottle within reach. And you know what? I love it. It feels so wrong to admit that I love being lazy but I really do. I love that for once in my life there is not a damn thing I have to do.  I have no responsibilities.  I feel like a bum but this is what my body needs me to do right now.  Last Friday I tried something different and it didn't go so well. 

My first post surgery outing was Friday after being inside the house for an entire week.  MJ needed to drop his car off at the dealership for service really early in the morning and we'd stop for breakfast down the street on the way back.  Easy peasy right?  We both thought it would be good for me to get out.  Big mistake.   The dealership is only about 20 minutes away.  On the way there I was aware of every single bump.  I only had to stand briefly while he turned in his car and got a rental but by the time we were half way to breakfast I was feeling it.  I walked in there like I had a stick up my butt determined to enjoy it.  When I got home I was immediately on my back surrounded in pillows with a very swollen belly and pains for the rest of the day.  That delicious veggie hash was worth it though!

It really just goes to show you how much we are actually doing every day just being out in the world even when we think we aren't doing all that much.  Just when I thought I was feeling good my body said not so fast lady and told me to go back to sitting on my butt.  My parents came down on Saturday but I haven't gone anywhere since. 

When I got home that day I opened this sweet little care package from my mom and literally burst into tears.  I was just sobbing.  I'm not really sure why.  I'm emotional but usually not THAT emotional.  I was in pain and flustered that a 2 hour errand did me in and there was just something about these simple yet thoughtful gifts that really touched my heart.  Sometimes it really is the little things that mean so much.  It was so sweet that she found these little things that she knew I'd love.

Laziness is not considered an attractive quality. We are taught that lazy is bad.  Most of us anyways.  And the ones that see lazy as a way of life don't usually get very far.  But why does it have to be so wrong when it feels so right?  I wouldn't want to marry someone who sits on the couch all day for no good reason.  What kind of life and what kind of relationship could you have if you did absolutely nothing?  As tantalizing as it sounds even if I never ever had to go back to work I would not make lazy my new occupation.  Not that I wouldn't want to 'cause it's actually pretty awesome; but ultimately I really wouldn't like myself and I'm pretty sure MJ wouldn't like me either.  I'm no overachiever but I have to be productive in some way or else I feel like crap.  Obviously going to work every day is the main thing but in addition to that whether it be working out, writing, blogging, cleaning, errands, paying bills, I have to do something that feels like I did something in order to feel good about myself.  No matter how good it feels to do nothing eventually the feelings of guilt and disgust at myself would eat me alive.  It's hard enough not to feel down on myself right now even though nothing is what I'm supposed to be doing.  

Last week sitting up without back support and holding my arms over a keyboard was exhausting but I'm getting stronger so this week it's different.  I'm still usually sitting on the couch by the time MJ gets home but in the morning after breakfast is novel writing time.  It would be ridiculous not to use some of this precious time off for that.  Even though I do nothing else I'm already feeling better about myself. 

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House Arrest

I really appreciate all of your comments on my last post.  I was so scared!  It was nice to see some of the comments before surgery.  I gave myself a pass and didn't reply, but this is me giving you a big giant reply all thank you right now.

Friday was a really long day. As long as it was for me it was even longer for MJ since I was basically unconscious for part of it.  We left the house around 8:30 and didn't get home until around 7pm.  It was all very organized but there were many stations to get through.  We checked in, I was sent to pre op where I got these cute little purple non skid socks with white paws on them and a purple gown.  The coolest thing about this gown is that it had a ventilation system.  When I got all trembly and freaked out about the IV they were able to put the hose right into a hole and heat me up from the inside out.  I really need something like that for work where it's always freezing.

My own surgery collage.  I look so awesome I couldn't just decide on one.

I was in surgery for 3 1/2 hours.  When they wheeled me into the operating room Wake Me Up by Avicci was playing. Usually I listen to that song at the gym but it was perfect operation music. "So wake me up when it's all over." So they woke me up when it was all over and I had 3 holes in my belly.  My first thought was; I did it!!  It's over!!  Once the anesthesia wore off I moved onto the final recovery station before you get to go home.  It took me about an hour to eat 2 crackers because I was still nauseated.  I nibbled on them like a rabbit and was rewarded with two Percocet.  They don't rush you, but I was really tired and I know MJ was probably really over it by then.  Once I finally finished those crackers I moved onto next challenge.  Nobody goes home unless they demonstrate the ability to get up and go potty.  Less then two hours after surgery I was standing up and hobbling my way to the bathroom.  Standing up brought on more nausea so I asked for a barf bag just in case but I didn't need it.

I'm a big wimp and a huge chicken.  Like most people I hate needles and pain.  Surgery it not exactly something you put on your list of monthly goals but it felt like a big accomplishment.  As I was wheeled out of the hospital I felt really proud of myself for being stronger then I thought I would be.  MJ thought I'd be a complete disaster but I wasn't.   I didn't even take the anti anxiety meds that I asked my doctor to prescribe in case I needed it to get in the door.  The worse part really, was getting the IV-which they had to do twice because apparently I have tiny veins.  After that you are knocked out for everything else that's gonna hurt.  My doctor the surgeon was awesome and everyone was so nice. The pre op room is huge and kind of like an assembly line with rows of patients on each side waiting for the operating room but the nurses are so attentive. There is an entire team dedicated to getting you prepped, attending to your surgery and then taking care of you after.  They made me feel very comfortable and well cared for from start to finish. 

On the day of surgery I ate 9 crackers.  2 at the hospital and 7 later that night.  I call it the surgery diet.  I don't recommend it.  On Saturday I was still eating light.  MJ had football in the morning so my parents came down early to be with me.  My mom is so sweet.  She brought flowers and made me soup.  By Sunday my appetite was back to normal.   I've been eating leftovers for 3 days from a super bowl party I didn't even attend.  MJ went to his friend's house (with my blessing) to watch the game.  I ate a slice of pizza for dinner two nights in a row and today I started in on the Chili.  

On night one I was almost in tears trying to get up for the bathroom in the middle of the night but it's taking me less time to get up now and I'm getting more and more mobile every day.  Being forced to sleep on my back all night makes it hard to get comfortable and I miss cuddling with MJ but overall I'm doing okay.  The drugs are doing their thing so I haven't really been in too much pain.  Mostly just discomfort. Every time I move.   Totally manageable.

MJ has been taking such good care of me.  He makes sure I take my pills, he feeds me.  He took my bandages off when I was too scared too look at my incisions and coaxed me into the shower when I was afraid of getting them wet.  You gotta love a guy who helps you put on your underwear when you can barely stand up, waits on you hand and foot, sees you in tired old baggy pajamas for days and still calls you cute.  He's the best.   I don't know what I would have done without him. I am mad at him for "accidentally" scaring me so bad that I screamed hard enough to hurt my belly.  He's really going to have to stop that when we get old or he might cause a heart attack.

It's still really hard to believe that my only job for at least two weeks is to rest.  I can't drive.  I'm not supposed to be cleaning, doing errands or working out.  I can sit on the couch watching TV all day long and be a total and complete bum without guilt.   How often does one get an opportunity like this?   Pretty much never and it sucks that it requires major surgery to get it, but I'll take it.  I haven't gone anywhere since Friday's surgery.  It's like being on house arrest without the ankle bracelet and the introvert that I am is totally embracing it.  Normally I loathe the rain but after months of oddly warmer temps we finally got some.  I didn't mind it one bit because I got to burrow under the covers all morning and then spend all day in jammies.  I got out of bed when I felt like it and gingerly made my way downstairs to set up camp on the couch.

Mj thinks I'll get sick of it but I'm not so sure.

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Scared

I really hate hospitals. Who doesn't? Every time I go to one I see something I wish I hadn't seen.  After I see it I can't just unsee it so there it is burning an impression in my mind until it finally fades away and I move onto something else to obsess over.

I was there for an MRI.  Gosh those machines are huge and loud.  I had dye injected in one arm and an organ relaxer in the other.  I'm so glad I didn't know that MRI's can come with shots or else it would have been one more thing for me to worry about.  I didn't find out until just before I changed  into my lovely hospital gown.  I survived and then I headed to the lab to do my blood work and went back to work only to feel like crap about 30 minutes later and have to leave early.  I guess it was all just a little too much for me.  When I got home I laid between the cool sheets burrowed under the covers and thought to myself that this time in two days I'm probably going to feel about 10x worse then this.  Maybe 50x worse even.  I napped and was thankful to feel like my old self again in a few hours.

Do yourself a favor and don't google your surgery before you have it.  I mean, it's a good idea to be well informed and the internet is nothing if not informative but the two weeks that I spent obsessively dredging the internet for every possible horror story known to man was pretty exhausting.   I mean, chances are you can't not do it but just know that it's probably going to freak you out more then anything.  It's really, really hard not to think of all the things that could go wrong but at some point you must take a chill pill and let it go.

If you are reading this right now it means I'm on my way to the hospital and it's taken a lot of soul searching, anxiety and second guessing to get here.  It's a hard decision to make when there are no solid answers. About anything. I haven't mentioned it to anyone I know outside of family.  Telling it makes it real. Your last day at works makes it even more real. I'm sort of in denial that it's happening because technically, even up until the moment I arrived at the hospital I could change my mind and bolt.  I never saw myself doing that but you can't tell someone that you are having surgery one day and then show up for happy hour the next.  You don't tell someone something like that unless you know for certain that you are which I did; except I like to keep my options open until the very last minute.  I have a very difficult time making decisions about even the smallest most insignificant things let alone the slicing of my skin.  If you are reading this right now it means I waited until the very last moment to hit publish just in case I changed my mind even though I knew that I wouldn't.

I wasn't sure if I'd mention it here, but it felt really weird not to.  Not that I tell you everything because I don't but this is a big deal and this is my blog and it really just felt like I should.  I don't know if or when I will feel comfortable talking about what kind of surgery I'm having but I know that today is not that day. This is my first "real" surgery anesthesia and all so I don't know how I'm going to feel or what to expect.  If I'm not active in blog land you'll know why.

Oh, and that thing I saw at the hospital that I wish I could unsee was a deceased person.  Not exactly the kind of thing you want to see on the eve of your first surgery or EVER for that matter.  Lying on a stretcher snugly wrapped in a blue blanket from head to toe was the unmistakable form of a person who had taken their last breath.  The worst thing about it is that the guy was lost.  He rolled that stretcher up and down the hallway right past me twice trying to figure out where he was going.  The MRI's are done on the basement level and I think that's also where the morgue is. 

I can't unsee it but I'm desperately trying to push that image out of my mind.  It's routine surgery.  The people who love me tell me that I will be okay and as terrified as I am I believe them.   I am young.  I'm healthy.  I'm strong.  I plan on taking lots of drugs.  I'll be okay.

Please send good thoughts my way. I'll check in when I can.

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More Sick People

My weekend in a nutshell brought to you by Instagram

Mj took such good care of me on Wednesday that I guess he figured it was only fair that I return the favor so he woke up sick on Saturday.  Well, it's actually not his fault or his choice for that matter.  I'm the one who got him sick and I do feel bad about it.   There was more sick people food to be made and more medicine to be taken.  First thing Saturday morning I went to the grocery store for OJ, cough drops and other very important things like Peanut Butter and Fat Free Pringles and after that I didn't leave the house again all weekend.  It was grey and dreary, I had a sick husband at home and was still recovering myself so that was fine with me.  It worked out perfectly that we didn't have a single thing planned.

This might be one of the first weekends I can remember in a very long time that Mj didn't do anything.  It's no thing for me to spend a weekend at home but he is such a busy body that even if he has no plans he has to run errands or SOMETHING just to get out but not this weekend.  His Saturday morning flag football was rained out which was a good thing because he was too sick to play.  Plus, it meant he  gave that broken pinky a rest.  He broke it weeks ago but refuses to stop playing.  As for me, I did a lot of laying around on the couch twittering, reading blogs, watching TV and generally being lazy.  It was the perfect weekend for it because I don't think the sun came out once so I was perfectly content to stay inside.  I did get laundry done and that was probably the only productive activity of the weekend.

Mj had to call in sick today but hopefully he'll be back to 100% soon too.  It's Monday.  Back to work.  Back to the gym.  Back to the grind.  The sun is shining and I haven't felt this rested on a Monday in a while.  All that laying around paid off.  What with MLK day and calling in sick twice I only worked two days last week and now I've got a lovely long five day work week ahead of me.  It only took me four days to kick that cold's butt and I only had about 2 really awful days.  I can't help but think about all the people in the world who are chronically ill and still hoping for the day that they get better and it makes me so appreciative of my good health.  I'll have to remember this thankful feeling when I'm wrenching myself out of bed on Friday morning for work and spending 3 hours cleaning house on Saturday.  As much as I whine about it I do realize I should consider myself lucky that I'm physically able to do them both.

Korean Honey Citron Tea

The idea of laying around all day half comatose and sleeping instead of going to work sounds really good but when you feel terrible it's no fun at all and oddly enough you'd rather be at work.  Well, that was me Wednesday.  It's been exactly a year since I had so much as a cold and I've never had a flu shot but I can't remember when I ever had the flu.  I never get sick.  Famous last words.

Sick people food // Tomato Soup, Grilled Cheese and OJ

Monday night I felt it coming on.  Uh, oh I think I might be getting sick.
Tuesday I tried to fight it with Emergen-C.  I still attempted my 1 hour cardio routine as normal but couldn't finish and spent the last half walking.  Something about the dry air going in and out of my nose was too painful.
Wednesday I called in sick to work after a mostly sleepless night and didn't get out of bed until 11am.  I dragged my achy body downstairs where Mj had lunch waiting.  He is so sweet.  He stayed home so he could take care of me.  Either that or he just really didn't want to go to work but either way I was glad to have him there. Sick or not I had to make my hair appointment that night.  I looked in the mirror and saw a hot mess staring back at me.  How sad that my husband had to look at this all day.  Honey Citron tea and a hot shower made me feel half way human.  I had a good hour or two before I would revert to total uselessness but it was enough for me to make it there and back.
Thursday I went back to work.  On the way there with my eye balls all heavy in my head I wondered why I ever thought it was a good idea.  My brain was foggy and everything I did that day felt like slow motion.
Today I stayed home.  I feel better then I did on Wednesday but it's one of those gray rainy days that makes you want to never get out of bed and so I didn't.  I'm sick and I have a plethora of sick hours so I might as well use them.  I expect to be back to 100% by Monday at the latest if not sooner.   It's just a cold so I guess I can't complain too much.

So getting back to that Honey Citron Tea.  Mj drank it all the time when he was stationed in Korea and he re discovered it here at a local Korean market called H Mart.  I'm not a tea drinker at all.  I normally have to add loads of sweetener to make it taste half way decent but I don't need to add a thing to this.  It has the same consistency of jelly and I only use one spoonful for an average sized mug.  It tastes so good and when you get to the bottom there is a little citrus surprise to nibble on.  It's really good when you are sick because it's full of Vitamin C.  They have other flavors but I only like this one.  Best tea ever.  You should try it.  Don't wait until you are sick.

*****

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The Cost of Food

Sometimes there's nothing like a good salad

Friday just before I got off work I got a text from my husband insisting that I feed him.  He's quick to tell me he's not eating carbs.  Normally I'd tell him to go jump in a lake (he likes fish) but since I am making an effort to cook now I agreed.  Hmmm...what to do.  I've been craving salads lately and it's technically not really cooking.  Sounds good to me.  As I walked around Fresh & Easy picking out my ingredients I started thinking that this seemed like quite a bit of work just for a salad....and it felt like I was spending a lot of money for it too.  They had some small pre packaged ones for about $3.50 each.  That would have taken me 1 minute to grab and would be just as quick to open up and eat.  They say that you save money by grocery shopping and cooking food yourself instead of eating out but when we can spend $300 in one shopping trip somehow it just doesn't feel that way.  So, I decided to do the math.  I divided each product as needed to estimate 1 serving per item.

The Cost of Salad  

• Balsamic Vinaigrette dressing ($2.79):  .47
• Lettuce ($1.79):  .44
• Tortilla Strips ($1.99):  .33
• Fully cooked Bacon (12):  ($3.49)  .58
• Pre-Cooked Chicken Breast ($4.99):  $1.25
• Cucumber (2) ($1.96):  .49
• Dozen Eggs ($1.89):  .15
• Onion ($0.89):  .22
• Shredded Cheese ($3.69):  .61
• Total Spent:  ($23.48)  $4.21 Per Salad

It  actually is cheaper to spend the time and money making the darn salad.  My homemade salad had a lot more in it then the $3.50 option at Fresh & Easy and if I'd bought one at McD's or Wendy's it would have been at least $2 more expensive.  A Cobb salad at an average restaurant can be anywhere from $10-15 bucks each.  I might spend less money on that particular day for two salads but I get more bang for my buck buying the groceries instead.  Those ingredients last beyond that one day.

These turned out pretty tasty.  We have left over stuffing for wraps.

Then Saturday while we were at the grocery store I was shopping for my Stuffed Green Peppers recipe and I saw that I could literally buy them frozen pre made and stuffed at 4 for $6.99 on sale for $4.99.  Why make them myself when I can just buy them I thought?

The Cost of Stuffed Green Peppers with Rice

• Ground Beef  1 lb ($3.34):  $3.34
• Green Peppers (6@.49 ea):  $2.94
• Brown Rice 16 oz ($2.19):  .55
• Diced Tomatoes 14.5 oz:  .69
• Onion (.89@1/2):  .44                     
• Garlic (3 for $1.00):  .33
• Total:  $8.29 =$1.38 per Stuffed Green Pepper

My recipe makes 6 so that's $1.38 each as compared to the grocery store price of $1.23 each (on sale) which in this example is actually a tad more expensive at home BUT depending on how much you pay for ground beef that could make a big difference.  Meat is much cheaper on base but I've paid much more for low fat ground beef.  Also, I got more then 6 servings out of that meat.  Sometimes I moan and groan about spending $11.49 on 6 chicken breasts but when you do the math on it that's only $1.91 per breast and think of how much you pay when you buy a chicken breast entree with veggies at a restaurant?

Time, Money or Health?
Bottom line is that in most cases eating out and buying frozen and  pre packaged meals will be more expensive.  So the next step is deciding how much your time is worth.  Do you want to pay restaurant and fast food labor for cooking the food or do it yourself?  For some it's worth it to spend a little more money and save time but for others the extra savings is well worth time spent in the kitchen.  And it's win win especially if you really enjoy cooking.  There are some really great value meal deals going on at places like Applebee's and Chili's but overall I think that dining out meal prices and the tip you have to shell out can be a waste of money.  The super cheap fast food option can only take you so far health wise unless you spend more money to choose healthier options.  The sodium content of all restaurants and pre made food in the frozen foods section is generally way higher so even if you find good deals it's just not something you should do all the time.

What would be the cheapest way I could think of to eat out every day without developing cardiovascular disease?  I'm a huge fan of $5 foot longs at Subway and I seriously think I could eat it every day although Mj absolutely could not.  If we ate one every day for lunch and dinner and spent $3.00 for their breakfast which is typically and egg sandwich type deal and coffee it would cost us about $56.00 for a week which is $224 for a month.  Then, I'd have to double that because it would be for both of us.  That's $448 per month provided we spent no money on any other food whatsoever which is more then we normally spend on groceries in a month.  That's about as cheap is it could get but it leaves no room for extras and you are pretty limited in your food choices.  It's also a lot of carbs, not that I don't do major carb damage anyways!  So, yeah as much as I wish it actually were cheaper to buy food out instead of spending the time making it that is not the case so the joy of grocery shopping and cooking is here to stay.

Gym Rat

The other day my husband called me a gym rat.

Me? I asked in shock.  You think I'm a gym rat?  

With your P90X you work out way more then me.  I only committed myself to minimum of two days a week and yeah, I do more some weeks but not enough for me to be a gym rat.  

First I couldn't get you in the gym and now I can't get you out.  You go every chance you get and you get upset if you plan to go and don't get to.

My goodness.  I had refused to work out for so long.  How did this happen?

I thought about it for a minute and had to admit there is some truth to his statement.  Lately I have been more committed to exercise then ever.   This week for example.  I went on Sunday to compensate for a Pizza fest the day before.  I went Monday morning on my off day.  Then I went Tuesday after work.  Then I went Wednesday morning before work.  I did 60 minutes on the Elliptical for four days in a row burning between 590-650 calories per session.  Tuesday and Wednesday in particular, I was really in that zone that everyone talks about.  I was pumping my arms and legs like nobodies business and it felt amazing to push myself.  I probably looked like some kind of lunatic mouthing the words to my favorite songs, bobbing my head up and down and grinning for apparently no reason.  I was sweating but I was literally breaking out in goose bumps on my arms and legs because I was so into my work out and the music.  I felt like I could go on forever and the time flew by.  It was awesome.

I've learned to push my after work fatigue aside and head to the gym without even thinking twice about it.  I even worked out when I was sick.  Exercising has just become something I do.  Something that I make time for.  I was always athletic growing up participating in gymnastics, track and cheer-leading.  After high school my parents put me on their gym membership and then I worked out at my College gym too.  It was so much easier then.  Yeah, maybe I had school and part time jobs but I also didn't spend 45 hours a week at a full time job and have a house to keep up.  And I'm not as young and energetic as I used to be.  I managed to stay committed to working out for the most part with some off and on until I fell off the wagon big time for years and didn't see how I would ever find my way back. 

I really love it that I'm doing something good for my body and that I'm actually enjoying it.  I really love it that I CAN.  It's one thing to just be lazy and not exercise and entirely another to be physically unable to.  I am lucky that I have a gym membership (that I don't even pay for) that gives me access to a really nice gym that's close to home.  I am lucky that I can exercise and I finally realized that needed to take advantage of that and not take it for granted.  I still haven't gotten to my new exercise videos but I will.  I do hit the gym consistently and I just bought my 2nd package of classes at a dance and fitness studio.  I've gotten a lot of my lost flexibility back and I'm even starting to see some of those hard to get oblique muscles coming in on the sides of my stomach.

So when I think about it I don't really mind being called a gym rat.  It's actually taken a lot of time and energy to earn that label so I'll proudly accept it.   It's way better then being known as a couch surfer...although I am guilty of that too!