Love and Loss

I have never been to a funeral.  No one that I am really close to has ever passed away.

My parents moved to Southern California before I was even born and most of my extended family is in Michigan with some in Northern California.  I have cousins, aunts and uncles that I don't know very well.  Growing up, there were Summers that we piled into the car and made the cross country journey to Michigan or the 9 hour drive to San Jose but it wasn't enough to really know them.  It bothers me that I don't and I want to connect but I feel like I don't know where to start.  I met 3 out of my 4 grandparents.  My grandmother on my dad's side is still alive but the others have passed away.  I never really understood how special that grandchild and grandparent relationship until my nephew DJ was born since I had never experienced it myself.  My parents are so in love with that child.  As am I.  Children are so loved.  I imagine that my grandparents love(d) me that way too but not being close to them I never really understood that until now.  DJ will know his grandparents and his aunts in a way that I never did.  They live in North Carolina but we had him here for the first three years of his life and it's important to all of us that he doesn't forget who we are.

Its an odd feeling when someone in your family passes away and you don't feel sadness about it in the way that you think you should.  It kind of makes me feel like a bad person but I know that it's just because I didn't know them.  Yes, I'm sad but not in the way that I would be had I truly known them as a person and had the opportunity to grow close to them.  In a way, I have been spared the pain of loss simply by not knowing my extended family.  While I may be somewhat shielded I don't know how lucky that is because I really would have liked to have known them better.

My aunt passed away on Saturday after 6 years of battling cancer.  I haven't been to Michigan in over 10 years and I can't even remember the last time I saw her.  I am saddened by this and my heart aches for my mother who is losing a sister.  I love my sister's so much.  I can't even imagine how awful that feels.  She is also a mother, a wife and a grandmother.  There are so many who are deeply affected by her passing.  It's this gigantic ripple effect and every ripple is a layer of love and a deeply painful loss.  I don't ever want to know that sickening heart wrenching feeling of loss but I know it's not a choice I get to make.  There will come a day that I will become painfully acquainted with it.

With the passing of my aunt and that terrible shooting; death has been on my mind.  I know, it's so morbid.  But sometimes your mind goes to dark places whether you want it to or not.  I watched Safe Haven on Sunday.  It's about a man who loses his wife to cancer and is now raising their two children on his own.  Boy meets girl, they fall in love and the story unfolds.  The end of the movie left me a sobbing mournful mess alone on my couch.  I can be emotional so this is not unusual for me.  I've cried watching a cotton commercial. I cried as if my heart was breaking just imagining the loss of this fictional characters wife.  Then the anger hit.  I know it's just a movie, but then I thought of my aunt Martha again and anyone else that has lost loved ones.  I too will experience it at some point before I eventually expire myself and somehow it all just seems so cruel and unfair.  I literally asked out loud as if someone would answer; Why do people have to die? It's such a childish question and I am old enough to know the answer.  It's the circle of life.  We can't live forever. 

Sometimes I let my mind wander a little bit too much and I think of how I can possibly endure loosing the people in my life that I love the most.  My eyes tear up, I get this terrible lump in my throat and then I have to push it aside because we can't live our lives fearing what has not yet happened even if it is something as inevitable as death.  I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it.  Nobody should.  It's too depressing and we have to live for the here and now.  But whenever it does sneak into my thoughts it's a reminder of just how important it is to make the most of precious time with friends and family.  Nobody is promised tomorrow.

Have I Let Myself Go?

It dawned on me the other day that I look a lot cuter when I'm not at work. Too bad my co workers will never know the magnitude of my true hotness.

It's not exactly a corporate or fashion forward type of environment.  If you are an administrator you might wear Ann Taylor suiting and dresses but other then that most of my co workers don't.  I've never had to wear a suit to work thank goodness, so I don't even own one.  The style of dress ranges from tennis shoes and jeans to slacks, suits and dresses.  The age range is anywhere from 20's to 60's.  We don't have an official dress code. I mean, there is the moral code of not wanting to look like a ragamuffin at work but overall, it really is left to our own discretion to wear what is appropriate.  There is little to no face to face interaction with anyone outside my office.  I see the same people every day.  I sit inside an air conditioned office for about 9 hours staring at computer screens and most of the time don't even go outside.  And then I go home.  So what's to get all beautified for?  I'd rather spend the extra time in the morning scrolling through Instagram and Twitter feeds thinking about getting out of bed instead.  I don't think I have to look "done up" to present a professional image and I'm comfortable with my appearance without make up. 

There is some cross over, but my more conservative work outfits are less exciting then my non work ones.  Monday through Wednesday I wear my favorite chino type pants that I get from J.C. Penny's or slacks from The Limited and Express.  I try not to wear any pants that are too bright or skinny delicious on those days.  I pair them with casual tops or button ups and cardigans.  I do casual Friday AND casual Thursday just because I can.  Those days I'm in colored denim or blue jeans and cute tops.  I like my casual clothes way more and I hate ironing.  I live in flats.

NO make up, NO filter, NO problem

And then there is the face.  I feel like I used to care a lot more, but somewhere along the way it stopped mattering so much.  I've never been a big make up person anyways.  There was a time that I never showed up to work without at least blush and a colored lip gloss which I keep in my purse and put on in the car on the way there.  About a year ago I stopped doing that every day.  I even show up to work totally bare faced.  The horror.  It feels like too much effort to do it every day before 7am. When I do feel like wearing make up for work it's just my 5 minute face with the basic fixings. I really don't see the point of any more then that.   Unless I have plans directly AFTER work.  Sometimes I have to whip out the flat iron but the hair is basically get up and go.

I don't think I look bad.  Typically anyways, unless I'm running on hardly any sleep or it's the day after an annoyingly mid week holiday.  Yes, I'm talking about you 4th of July 2013.  If I'm in an outfit that I feel good in and well groomed that works for me. And earrings.  For some odd reason I feel naked without earrings and I get bummed out for a second when I realize I forgot them.  I wear the same necklace everyday.  It rarely comes off.  Outside of work  I put in more effort with make up and styling my outfits.  I get to wear fun things that won't cut it even in our casual office environment and I enjoy taking the extra step with make up to feel extra pretty.  I'm not a glamour girl.  Unless we are going out out out I'm still not wearing a lot make up but I will wear a little more and switch up the jewelry.  I'm more motivated to take those extra steps on weekends when I'm on MY TIME enjoying life with friends and family and doing things that I want and when I'm just schlepping around doing errands lately, I just rock the glasess and don't even bother putting in my contacts.  I'm not going out like the people of Walmart but I'm definitely not going to get done up.  And if I run into someone I know from work or elsewhere?  Who cares.  Since I don't wear a lot of make up anyways I don't look all that much different. 

So have I really let myself go?  I mean, is this where it starts? One day you stop wearing make up on the daily and the next you are shopping in the ugly Missy section at Macy's and leaving the house with pink rollers in your hair. I'm not quite there yet so I'm going to go with no.  As much as I wish I was more glam...it's just not me.  I'm going to call it settling into my casual self and not caring what anybody around me thinks of it instead and I'm finding it to be very liberating.

Manual Mode Made Easy

I guess I should say Manual Mode Made Easier.  Because great photography isn't exactly easy.

When we got  our camera I spent about 20 minutes looking at the manual and gave up.  It was way too much information making it way too complicated for a newbie DSLR user like myself.  It was just TMI.  All I wanted was the basics.  Just enough for me to understanding the most basic function of each setting.  A year later I sat down, did some internet research and pared down the volume of information so I could figure this thing out.  Finally, instead of randomly changing the settings around until my image stopped being black I was able to make educated guesses about what settings to use in different conditions.  I spent all last weekend taking pictures at home trying to get better at this.

There is so much to learn about manual mode and how to take great pictures.  This barely scratches the surface.  Once you understand the settings there is still a lot to know about how to manipulate them in relationship to each other to get the shots you want.  Never mind all the skill and practice it takes to really be good at it.  It's enough to get started without making it more complicated then it has to be for a beginner.  Everyone's brain works differently so this may or may not be the key to unlocking the mystery of manual mode but it's been very helpful to me. 

Shutter Speed
Amount of time that the shutter is open. Length of time that your image sensor ‘sees’ the scene you are attempting to capture. Measured in seconds (i.e.:  1/60 or 1/80)
Example: Think of how window shutters work.  The speed at which you open and close them controls how much light gets into a window.  The lower the bottom number is the slower the shutter is being closed and more light is allowed in.   

Slower Shutter

• Lets in more light

• Brightens image

• Captures speed and movement in an image

• For use with a Tri-Pod

Faster Shutter  

• Lets in less light

• Darkens image

• Freezes the moment and reduces the effect of camera shake.

Window :: Aperture   //  Shutters :: Shutter Speed [photo credit: Christophe]

Aperture
Size of lens opening with which the picture is taken. Measured in F-stops (i.e:  F7.0).  The larger the F-number the lower the Aperture.  Example: Think of it as a window that lets in light.  A larger window (larger aperture) lets in more light and will have a smaller F-stop.  This one gets a little confusing because large equals a lower number.

Larger Aperture (Smaller F-Stop Number)

• Larger hole (more light gets in)

• Brightens image 

• Large Depth of Field: Most of your image is in focus with clear background details

• Landscape shots

Smaller Aperture (Larger F-Stop Number)

• Smaller hole (less light gets in)

• Darkens image

• Shallow Depth of Field: Only part of the image will be in focus with blurred background details

• Portrait shots

Here I am wearing my low ISO Sunglasses outside // Please excuse the duck lips, don't know what I was thinking

ISO
Measure of digital camera sensor’s sensitivity to light. The image sensor converts an optical image into an electrical signal.
Example:  Sunglasses.  Dark sunglasses block light so we wear them to lower our eye's sensitivity to the bright sun.  So think of using a low ISO as putting on sunglasses when you are outside because you need to lower the amount of  light getting into your eyes. When you are inside you don't need to block out light, you actually need more of it to see so you take your sunglasses off. 

Lower ISO 

• Less sensitivity to light

• Darkens Picture

• Outdoors or in a well lit area 

• Sharpens Image

• Still Shots

• Tripod

Higher ISO 

• Greater sensitivity to light

• Brightens image

• Indoors or in a dimly lit setting

• Add grain to image

• Action Shots 

I gathered a lot of this information from Digital Photography School.

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Great Work if you can Get it

I got mail last week that reminded me of something that was kind of a big deal for me but that never made it on the blog.

Back in April I got an e mail from my agent about a casting for a catalog shoot for a company that makes baby toys and products.  I'm still listed with an agent even though I haven't done any modeling in a long time. She's really cool about the fact that 99% of the time I have to say no because most castings and jobs are during the work week.  This time however, I was able to say yes.  It was going to be a quick one because they were only asking  a limited number to come in and I could get it done on my lunch break.  I don't like to bother with a casting if I already know I probably can't make the shoot, but she already knew the week the shoot would be on so I had time to wrap my head around juggling it with work. 

On Set // I got to work with those adorable babies

At the casting the person in charge said the client really liked me.  That should have made me confident but instead it made me even more nervous.  What if they liked my agency photos but HATE my casting pics?  Well, they didn't and I got an e mail that I had been booked for the job.  I was so excited because booking a job is practically a miracle.  That's how I see it anyways.  It's just such a crap shoot because there are so many variables that go into it.  Either it's a giant casting with a million girls that all look a like and you wonder how they ever choose one or everyone is so different that you have no clue what they are looking for.

Hair & Make up // Wardrobe // Display monitor while shooting // Beach Shoot Day 2

The shoot was at Groovy Like a Movie Studios.  It had been so long since I'd been able to do this that I was soaking everything up from the moment I got there.  I was so early they were still setting up.  You NEVER want to be late for a shoot.  It's unacceptable.  It happened to me once for my very first shoot ever.  It was at the beach and I got lost.  It was awful and my agent forgave me but I never wanted that to happen again.  The make up and hair person showed up and the fun began.  I went from the make up chair to the hair chair.  The client kept asking if we were almost done so they were rushing.  As soon as they finished I quickly changed into the outfit they had ready for me.  It was a basic top, sweater and capri's from Target.  In commercial print it's not about the clothes it's about the product.  Most of the shoot clothing comes from places like Target, JC Penny's or Marshall's.  And some of them like you to leave the tags on in case they want to return it.  I rushed over to the set to meet my son.  He was an adorable 5 month old baby boy and the next few hours were spent cuddling him while they took pictures.  It was really tricky.  You can't always get babies to do what you want them to do when you want them to do it but this baby was such a little pro.  He never cried even though he got passed around from person to person for hours.  Then my fake husband did some shots with our fake son and then all three of us did shots as a fake family.  The idea of course is that it look convincingly real.  There is a lot more acting in modeling then people may think.  And it's a painstaking process.  The baby's diaper is showing in one shot and my sweater is falling open in another.  It was always something and yet everything has to be perfect.

There is always a little bit of pressure because there is a room full of people watching.  This project is important to the client and I'm being paid to get good shots for them.  I want to do a good job.  It was a little confusing because the client told me to show more expression when the photographer had just told me not five minutes earlier to tone down the smile.  The monitor where the pictures pop up was actually facing towards me which I found unusual.  I'd never been on a set where I could actually see how the pictures were turning out so that was kind of helpful.  The hair stylist was obsessed with my pony tail.  She kept popping up next to me with her brush and hair spray.  My hair was basically shellacked by the time I was done.  The make up person was always right there checking out my face and giving it a swipe here and there.  I had one outfit change and a hair change throughout the shoot. 

Day 2 was at the beach.  I'm not the biggest fan of outdoor shoots because you have to deal with the elements and logistically it can be a pain in the butt.  I'm usually either too hot or too cold.  There might be dirt or itchy grass.  I just don't like it.  My call time was 7:30am.  The hair and make up station was a park bench and wardrobe was under a tree.  Once the clouds burned off it was a perfect day.  It was exhausting because I had to smile while lifting and carrying the 5 month old from yesterday all over the playground. My arms felt like noodles by the time we were done.  Then I worked with a toddler and they are even more unpredictable then babies.  We sat in the sand and tried to get this kid from dumping out all the sand onto his pants.  My fake husband was late.  I felt really bad for him because he showed up all flustered and the client was obviously mad.  Apparently there was a mix up with his agency about what his call time was.  I did some shots with him and another toddler on a play mat and then it was over.

In the grand scheme of things this gig was small potatoes but modeling opportunities for me are few and far between so any chance I get means a lot to me.  Even if it rarely happens I always feel lucky that  I've been able to do it at all.  There is a lot of waiting around and it can be really hard work but it's so much fun.

That was five months ago and what I got in the mail reminding me that I hadn't blogged about it was a fat paycheck.  It's real nice to get paid generously for doing something I actually enjoy.  What a concept!  It would take a 40 hour work week at my day job to get paid what I did for just 6 1/2 hours of modeling.  Don't even get me started on how depressing that thought is.  If modeling could be my real full time job we'd be rich.  It's pity I can't do it more often.  It really is great work if you can get it.

Throwback modeling pic

More about my illustrious modeling career here.

Kate Spade Giveaway

Jackie from Jade and Oak organized this lovely giveaway for you all.  I have to be honest here.  I know nothing about Kate Spade except that the designer is well known and that I can't afford it.  I've never even checked out the website until I became a part of this giveaway because I already know it's out of my budget.  So why would I be part of a giveaway for a brand I know nothing about?  I personally would love to win free money towards a designer brand that I would never buy for myself so I figured you might too.  If you are like me and have never shopped Kate Spade before this is your chance.   

 Kelly - Curated by Kelly / Rachel - With Love, Rachel / Cece - Pink Sunshine / Jules - Canines & Couture

 Belinda - Found Love Now What / Kelsey - Ladies in Navy / Alesha - Lifeology / Catherine - Bailey Dailies

Kelly - Petite Ramblings / Sarah - Venus Trapped in Mars / Tara - Starletta Designs / Jackie - Jade and Oak

Gift Card + Ad Space:  2 months Big Ben ad space from Belinda at Found Love Now What and 1 month of Flavor of the Month ad space from Catherine at Bailey Dailies.
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Giveaway is limited to entrants 18 years and older. All entries will be verified. The giveaway will end on September 13, 2013 at 11:29 p.m. EST. The winner will be selected at random by Rafflecopter. The winner will be notified within 48 hours of the end of the giveaway. The winner will have 48 hours to respond or a new winner will be selected.

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I Don't Use Coupons

I confess that I left for work and forgot to turn off my flatiron.  I wasn't totally sure it was on but I had this nagging feeling as I pulled into 7-11 to get my coffee.  I'd rather be late then have my house burn down; although I don't really know for sure if that would happen so I went back.  Better safe then sorry.  Lucky I hadn't gotten that far.  Good thing I did because it was still on.  Don't you hate that?  

I confess that the REAL reason I was late to work is because I really liked my outfit and spent about 10 minutes with Timer Cam trying to get a picture.  It's on Instagram. I'm embracing colored denim; GREEN! Something I would have never done before.   And I've been shopping a lot lately.  Might as well show some of it off.

I confess that my husband is a computer nerd now.  He got a hot new Computer Network Engineering job and then he brought home a PC.  We are Apple people.  We  have Mac laptops, i Phones and he has an i Pad.  I know.  Scandalous.  Apparently when you are a computer nerd you want a PC to "play around with" whatever that means.  And sometimes you even buy odd computer game controllers called Thrustmaster.  My computer nerd is smart AND sexy so I'm not bothered by this one bit.

I cut out coupons but they rarely make it to the store before they expire.  I want to use them.  I try, but nine times out of ten it just doesn't happen.  Whatever I save is chump change so it just doesn't seem like it's worth the effort.  It's either things I don't use, they want you to buy multiples or I don't have it with me.  I kind of wish I had the time and know how to be an extreme couponer but I don't have the storage for it anyways.  I'm much more likely to use restaurant or clothing coupons.   I will go out of my way to make sure that the $10 off at Kohl's doesn't expire on me.  I finally put an envelope in my car.  Let's see if that helps. 

Linking up with Leslie @ A Blonde Ambition

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from using that rusty razor in the shower is that one episode I saw on 1,000 Ways to Die about the stripper with the looooong luxurious legs who used a rusty razor, went into sepsis and died.  I'll grab my razor when I'm in the shower.  Look at it.  See rust.  Think about how I'm already wet and don't want to drip water everywhere reaching into the drawer to grab a new one.  I think about that damn show and how a tiny nick could potentially be the death of me.  Then I do it anyways.  Or let my legs stay hairy and skip it altogether.

I confess that I keep deodorant in the center console of my car. One day on the way to work I realized I'd forgotten to put some on so I rushed to the drug store, bought some and kept it in the car. It's come in handy on more then one occasion.

I confess that I live in pajamas when I'm at home. I get home from work and the first thing I do is trade day clothes for pajamas. When I'm at home and have to go somewhere getting dressed is done right before I have to leave. I just can't be in my home in clothes.  I feel like I can't relax.  Don't worry, I'm not hanging around in rags.   I have a ton of jammies and most of them are really cute ones from Victoria's Secret.  

It's going to be another hot weekend for us in So Cal.  It was 83 degrees on my way to work at 7:30am this morning.  HOT!  But I really love it.  If I didn't have Air Conditioning at home I might be complaining but I am a California girl and I love the heat so I'll take it while it lasts.  Have a great weekend everyone!!!

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