One Second Every Day (For An Entire Year)

 

I've always been the one taking pictures and writing in journals. Then blogging came along. Then social media. For whatever reasons, I've been drawn to documenting my life since I was 10. One second every single day? Who has time for that? And what's the point? 

What I've Been Doing in Quarantine

When I left work for the last time that day in March I knew we weren't going back for a while. They were very realistic with us. They said May if we were lucky, but more than likely June. Well, June is next week and we've heard nothing about when we will be going back to work. Not much is being said about non-essential non retail workplaces. Ten weeks into the stay at home orders San Diego is just now entering phase two where restaurants and retail stores can do in person shopping and dining in with social distancing precautions and extra cleaning requirements. Phase 1 was just parks and beaches. It's funny because in the initial days of this I was thinking, okay we stay home and flatten the curve and then it will be over, but it didn't take long before it hit me that Covid-19 isn't actually going anywhere. We can learn more about it, find new treatments, and eventually come up with a vaccine, but ultimately we will be living in a world in which Covid-19 is always a threat and there is nothing that will change that. As bizarre as it is to be re-opening even as people are still dying daily, I do agree that it has to happen. People have definitely lost their patience with staying indoors. It feels too soon, but the economy is dying and people need to pay their bills. We can't stay home forever.

Since we've been home....

We ordered Blue Apron three times. The first two were because the world had gone mad. The shelves were barren. We couldn't get our hands on a lot of our normal foods, and we couldn't get any grocery pick up slots. It has been so long since we last ordered, that the first delivery actually went to our old house. MJ had to drive over there and snatch it off their doorstep. The last delivery was accidental, and we couldn't have that happening every other week so I made MJ deactivate his account. Each time we ordered three meals that served four so that we could have left overs the next day. The portion sizes are plentiful. It was nice to change things up a bit, and I was actually able to enjoy cooking (even on a weekday) because I wasn't so exhausted from being at the office all day. I enjoyed everything we got. We also did quite a bit of Door Dash, Grub Hub, and Postmates, but we are back to regular programing now.

Crazy Things Are Happening

When I heard that Celebrity cruises was offering a very upgraded two-night cruise to Mexico for military and veterans I called right away. Sign us up! I called on February 29th and we were booked in for April 4th. It would be the perfect thing to do for my Birthday, and I was really looking forward to it. Even after hearing about two Princess cruise ships that were re-routed due to COVID-19, I still wasn't that worried. I'm in relatively good health, and I still hadn't grasped the enormity of what was going on. It still didn't seem like that big of a deal. I figured the odds were that I wouldn't get it at all, but if by some small chance I did, I would recover. My biggest worry was finding myself quarantined somewhere if there were concerns about people aboard having been infected.

Life By the Numbers: That Kind of Year

2017 IN NUMBERS

0 arm workouts.

1 time eating Panera Bread, and it was so good.  I had to fly all the way to Dover to do this.  Not like they aren't all over the place where I live or anything.

1 pair designer jeans purchased.  I got lucky and found Seven jeans for $50 on a mess of a clearance rack at Macy's.

2 times eating cheese spaetzle in Germany.  I love it so.

3 flights to Las Vegas.

Sometimes it's all Just a Little too Much

September was the worst.  

Coming home after 6 weeks abroad was fantastic. There were spiders in every corner of my kitchen. Disgusting Spiders. And you know how much I hate spiders? A lot. It's just one reason I really need my husband to come home. I'm so afraid of spiders that I took my garage door opener with me to Germany, and it's not because I drove to Germany or even to the airport.  My car was in the garage the whole time I was gone, but I knew I'd never make it through the front door of my house in the dark with my luggage through cobwebs (I knew were waiting for me) without some serious mental trauma.

I was also really thrilled to show up at the post office on Saturday afternoon to collect my mail only to be told there was no record of my mail hold.  How are they going to send me an email that my mail hold is ending soon when they never even did it in the first place? I was beyond annoyed.

The other awesome thing that welcomed me home was my dear old friend insomnia. Return to USA jet lag was not so bad. Dead tired at 7pm, deep sleep, and wide awake at 4:30am (before my alarm) was doable. I could work with that, but as the days progressed, tired at 7pm, barely any sleep, and an alarm clock that goes off at 6:30am, leaves much to be desired.  Grocery shopping. Meal prep. I missed it so much! The familiar zombie like routine of work, eat, skip the work out cause I'm too tired, and then go to bed so I can not sleep was back in full effect. I was not impressed.

What most of my weekends look like lately and I'm not mad about it

That Type of Person

I'm the type of person who kind of shuts down when insomnia takes over.  Combine that with being pushed to the limit at work and I'm done.  Motivation is down and inspiration is squashed.  I can't muster the energy for anything extra and that definitely includes all things blogging.  Stringing together coherent thoughts for a post is impossible, and then the longer I go the easier it is not to, and then I feel so bummed out that I'm not blogging that it makes me not even want to read blogs.  A few weeks ago a friend asked me on Friday around 7pm if I wanted to go to an art festival the next day.  I was already in pajamas trying to stay awake on a movie.  If she needed to know right then the answer was no because when I'm that nauseated from fatigue I can't imagine wanting to do anything.  I told her I'd text her the next morning because tomorrow is a new day, and sure enough the sun was shining and I was ready to run around like mad getting all the errands and Saturday stuff done before rushing off to Art Walk where we had a great time. 

What we had for lunch at Art Walk

I'm the type of person who doesn't think anyone cares about the type of person I am.  I think this also tends to contribute to my lack of blogging at times.  When you think about it blogging is kind of bold.  It's hey look at me, look at what I'm doing, and this is what I think! When you are a lifestyle blogger you might blog about things like travel, fashion, or cooking, but a lot of it is all about you.  When you get right down to it blogging requires some level of confidence to assume that people are interested in who you are and anything you have to say at all and the confidence to be okay with it if they aren't.  It's funny how I don't truly realize confidence is exactly what it takes until it's gone, but like those times when I feel too tired for life, that confidence comes and goes.

I'm the type of person who feels so deeply.  Sometimes I think I am too emotionally fragile for the world.  I cry on movies, commercials, and TV shows.  I watched a documentary on Netflix called Be Here Now, and I sat on my couch alone in the dark and sobbed for a good five minutes after it was over.  I was so saddened and moved that I thought about it for weeks.  I hate conflict too.  It is entirely too stressful.  If I have to deal with conflict or if people are mad at me I feel physically ill.  Appetite gone.  Stomach in knots.  I hate it that people have to die, that there are so many sick and suffering, and so many people who are just plain evil.  Feelings can be such a burden!  I feel good things very deeply too.  That part I like.

I'm the type of person who loves watching people's dreams comes true and I will use that as an excuse for watching another silly reality TV show.   The Pop Game, features five teenagers who are invited to live in an LA mansion and compete for a record deal while their parents/managers bicker and cause drama in the background.  MJ totally judged me for watching it, but what can you do?  Admitting that I watched it (and will watch it again if there is another season) is a little embarrassing, but it was so good.  I sat there and cried (of course) on the last episode because I saw so much growth in each contestant and wanted them all to win because they improved so much and did so good. Gosh, you'd think I know these kids or something.

So how's that for my first post back in a month?

I actually feel like a human being today instead of a zombie, and I really wanted to take advantage of that and write, even though I didn't have anything in particular to say.  I also might be the type of person who cares too much about what other people think.  I need not allow thoughts that nobody is interested or that I don't have anything important to say prevent me from blogging.  So What.  Right?  So here I am writing without apology, and without regard to how literary or "post worthy" this may be.  Just me, writing what I want (and hitting publish before I change my mind) because it's what I like to do.

 
Bloglovin' // Twitter // Facebook // Instagram

Why Suffer When You Don't Have To?

On Sunday I brought our laundry downstairs to the living room for folding, because I would have broken out in a sweat doing it upstairs.  I couldn't deal with the last load so I left it sitting in the basket.  I ran the blow dryer on my hair for exactly two seconds before realizing what a stupid idea that was because our air conditioning broke just in time for the hottest weekend of the year. San Diego county broke high temp records everywhere and there we were, putting off bedtime as long as possible because downstairs wasn't terrible, but upstairs was a sauna.  Laying there spread eagle in bed listening to the hum of the tower fan and feeling it's lukewarm air blow across my body brought back memories of the old days when I lived alone in a studio apartment.  Right now our only choice is to deal with the heat, but it reminded me of the days when I had a choice, and chose to suffer anyway.

It feels like a lifetime ago.  It was a lifetime ago.  I was living alone for the first time ever and newly single.  Street parking was tight, there was a shared laundry room that took quarters only, and no storage to speak of, but my little apartment was so cute.  I was proud that I did it on my own and living alone was pretty neat. 

Like a lot of places, there was no central air.  It had a wall AC unit, but it was sufficient for cooling the whole place since the whole place was essentially the size of a room.  I was on the upper floor, so when it was hot, it was hot and there was no escape.  I don't know how I sat there sweltering, when I could have had relief with the flick of a switch.  The tower fan would have to do, because the wall unit was to be used ONLY while I worked out, and sometimes not even then depending on just how hot it was.  Those were the rules.  I went to bed in stifling heat some nights and woke up to damp sheets.  During the day I holed up in the library or went to the mall when it got too bad.  I took two showers a day because just breathing was enough to make me sweat, but upon pain of death I would not touch that wall unit.

Those were the rules.

And so many rules there were back then because life demanded it.  I could only buy clothing if I absolutely needed it and only from Walmart or Target.  I wasn't allowed to eat after six.  To cut down on gas I couldn't go too far from home most weekends and stops at 7-11 for 99 cent coffee was only allowed once a week. 

Those were the rules because money was tight and discipline of utmost importance. 

Diet soda was allowed daily.   I had one every day with "dinner" to help me feel full.  If you could even call it that.  Three slices of thinly sliced lunch meat ham, slapped between two slices of bread, a 2% Kraft Single, and the thinnest layer of mustard was the main dish with a side of exactly one serving of pretzel sticks.  I counted.  The cans were rinsed and stored in the dishwasher and taken to the recycling center monthly where I would receive my CRV in the form of a grocery store credit at Ralph's next door.  I parked in between the two, so I could haul my cans to the recycling center and then walk to the grocery store where I would painstakingly select each item after carefully scrutinizing the nutritional information.

The thing about it, is that my electric bill was so cheap.  I still don't know how it was so cheap, but it was only about $35.00 per month.  Allowing myself some relief and turning on the wall unit every now and then would have made me much more comfortable, and how high could my bill really get?  Not very high, as I would find out later, but I was too caught up in my own suffering and sadness to find out.  Everything had to be controlled to the maximum level possible.  I didn't allow myself to splurge.  Ever.  On anything.  I embraced hunger, the stifling heat and all the things about my life that was difficult without resistance, but it wasn't just about the money.  It was proving to myself what I had already come to accept at that time.  Life is hard and I wasn't meant to be happy.     
   
Then I met my husband.
 
I lived there for five years.  He lived in that little studio with me for the last six months of it, and you better believe that when it got hot he didn't hesitate for a second to turn that thing on.  He couldn't understand my logic.  Why suffer, when you don't have to?  I mean, if you have no choice that is one thing, but when you have a choice, why not choose comfort?  It's usually worth it.  Space was limited and sometimes the clutter made me cranky, but it wasn't just me against the world anymore, and that cold air circulating through the studio felt like a small miracle.  It was pure magic, and my oven which still pristine after five years of very little action was finally getting put to good use.  The girl who didn't want to eat had fallen in love with a foodie.

When we moved into our house I tried to make us both suffer.  Our expenses were high that year between the new house and the wedding.  Old habits die hard.  "We're fine," I'd say.  "It's not that hot," because I was used to sacrificing comfort to save a dime, but MJ wasn't having it.  He went crazy cranking up the AC at just the slightest hint of warm weather, and I went along with it until we got the bill.  I taught him the value of a savings account and he taught me to live a little. I gave in a bit, so did he, and we've found a pretty nice balance over the years. 

I shake my head sometimes thinking about how my life has changed since then.  All for the better, and I am so thankful.  We own a home with central air, we take trips, I don't think twice about stopping at 7-11 for coffee, and I have an Amazon addiction.  My meals are nutritionally balanced, I have an awesome husband, and I no longer look for any excuse to martyr myself.  I'm happy.

Why suffer when you don't have to?  The answer is, you shouldn't.  Air cooling is a wonderful invention.  I am truly humbled after being without it for six hot days and can't wait for it to be fixed next week. 

Disclaimer:  This post was brought to you by our broken air conditioning unit and the wonder that is air cooling, but all thoughts and opinions are my own.

Bloglovin' // Twitter // Facebook // Instagram

The Kind of Happy That Just Is

I had a really bad dream last night. For some reason it really rattled me and I can't seem to get it out of my head. Have you ever wondered about what your life might be like if you made a different decision or if one thing or another had happened differently? I think everyone has at one point or another. The dream was very vague and unformed as dreams tend to be but the gist of it was this. I was not married to my husband. I was with someone else.  I was miserable and I was thinking of that guy I met with whom everything was perfect.  That guy that I only went out on a few dates with before deciding it would be best to go back to an old relationship.

July 4th 2008 // Our first Vegas trip together

There were no monsters.  I was not swimming in a vat of spiders.  There was no Nightmare on Elm Street running through a field screaming bloody murder and yet this dream was positively chilling because in it I knew what it was like not to have MJ in my life.  In the dream "that guy" was MJ and for whatever reasons I went back to an old tattered relationship rather then take a chance at being happy.  I knew what it was like not to be able to hold his hand or see him smile and it was a terribly empty feeling.

In reality there was no guy I went back to but there was a previous marriage that ended in divorce. Ten years ago my marriage had fallen apart.  I was bitter, hopeless and oh so very lost.  Life was misery for me.  When I hear about any suicide including the most recent one that everyone is talking about it really hits home.  When I see Robin Williams face I look at his eyes and wonder what kind of torment and pain might have been hiding behind jokes and smiles at that very moment.  I hid a lot with my smile too.  I don't know his struggle but I know what it's like to see ceasing to exist as a solution.

Four years later I was still single and very anti relationship because relationships are "so hard" and I was not worthy.  I didn't think I would ever meet anyone I liked enough to take a chance with which was fine because in my mind I was unlovable anyway; destined to be alone and sad. When we started dating in March 2008 I pushed him away because I did not believe I deserved someone like him.  I was distant.  I wouldn't allow myself to like him.  I just knew I would ruin his life and that's exactly what I told him.  I was in a slightly better place but still very damaged and afraid.  I still didn't know what it was like to love life and be happy.  I had moments of happiness but not the kind of happy that just is for no reason at all and that's when I met him.  That's when everything changed for me and I'm so incredibly grateful.  He pushed, I found the courage to let him in and life with MJ has been nothing less then amazing.  We don't fight, we figure it out.  Loving him is easy.  He is my rock.  He comforts me in so many ways.  What if I had never gotten divorced?  What if I had successfully sabotaged our relationship?  I shudder to think of what my life would be like right now if I had never gotten a divorce and it saddens me to think of the lonely and miserable person I was and might still be today had I not met MJ when I did.

I vaguely remember him kissing me this morning like always before he left for work and reassuring me that it was Friday and not Thursday.  That was the other nightmare I had last night.  And when I woke up I felt a huge sense of relief.  Not only because it was Friday but because the life I have right now is so very different then the one I had ten years ago and I get to come home to a man who means everything to me.  It was just a bad dream.

Bloglovin' // Twitter // Facebook // Instagram

My High School Reunion was Weird

My high school reunion was weird.  I'm not really sure what I expected but that's the best way to describe it.

I had mixed feelings about whether or not I wanted to go.  I was a cheerleader for three years but I didn't build a network of friends out of high school, or college for that matter, and there is only one friend I'm still in touch with outside of Facebook who I already knew wasn't going to be there.  The 10 year reunion is all about who got fat, who got married, how the popular kids turned out or who made it big but 20 years later nobody cares about that stuff anymore.  By now we know that life happens and keeping your head above water and being content is sometimes as good as it gets and that's totally okay.  The stuff you cared about in high school is almost totally irrelevant and the stuff you wondered about even 10 years later feels a little juvenile.

To go or not to go?  My thought process was this.  I'm here, I have a cute husband, I haven't made a total mess of my life.  Might as well go.  My life actually was a total mess 10 years ago and I still went to that reunion. 

I bought the tickets, put it on my calendar and then mentally checked out.  I didn't submit a biography.  I gave myself hardly any time to get ready and by the time it rolled around I kind of wished I wasn't going at all.  I got off work at 5:00pm, I needed to be there at 7:00pm and at least an hour of that was to be drive time.  I rushed home, rushed into the shower, rushed to do my hair, rushed to do my make up.  Threw on a dress.  Forgot to put on a necklace.  Rushed out the door.  Forgot my camera.  It's a miracle I had the foresight to get my toes done last week but I had to have MJ slap a clear coat on my nails.  On the way there.  While I was driving.  Yeah, that was interesting for both of us.

Turns out I probably could have come in anything and it wouldn't have mattered.  The dress code on the flyer said "cocktail casual."  I don't even know what that is.  It also said "cash bar only" as in cash paper money no credit cards.  Weird.  

There were a few people that didn't want to pay to come inside including an old cheer buddy, J.  They showed up at the hotel to meet for drinks before hand and I can't say that I blame them.  I almost wished I'd thought of it myself because tickets were ridiculously overpriced.  $75 per person and that's times two for me because I wasn't going to make MJ pay for such shenanigans.  I was really glad J came over and said hi.  We keep up on Facebook and I always really liked  her.  We spent a few minutes catching up before everyone started to go inside.  She was a fun girl then and she still is.  It's too bad we don't "really" keep in touch.   She tried to speak to this other couple whom neither one of us recognized and was totally ignored.  She'd mentioned it to me and I gave her a you weren't kidding look with my eyes when they did it again. She just side eyed her and looked at the guy but wouldn't speak and there was no word or acknowledgement from the guy.  Either he had no idea who she was, she was mean to him in high school or they have no social skills. More weirdness. 

We signed in, got our obligatory name badges, and went inside.  People were wearing everything from jeans and maxi dresses to cocktail dresses.  I start to wish I'd gone casual instead of cocktail and felt a little bad for vetoing MJ's polo shirt request.  I made him wear a button up.  The room was small and there were only a few tables so I already knew the turnout was going to be low.  There was a booklet on the tables with class biographies but hardly any profiles in it. 

There was a picture area set up where we took cheesy prom like photos against a black textured backdrop.  I actually liked the pictures of us but I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with 1 8x10, 1 5x7 and 4 wallets for $40.  I know that we graduated before the digital age but now that we are in it, what's with the old fashioned picture packages?

We heard that dinner was ready so we went out to the Mexican food buffet to fix our $75 fajitas and then sat down in the still mostly empty room and started to eat while I wondered if anybody else I knew was coming.  There were familiar faces but nobody I was actually friends with.  I was closest to my cheer friends and gymnastics friends but none of them showed up.   Where are you? I send a message via Facebook to the one friend I was really hoping to see.  She replied that things got busy and she couldn't make it which is a total waste because I know she bought her tickets and there are no refunds.  We did cheer leading and gymnastics together and triple dated to senior prom.  We were Freshman year college roommates, she lives about 1 1/2 hours away and yet I haven't seen her in 10 years since our last reunion.  Why didn't we stay in touch?  I've asked myself that question many times over the years but I don't have a concrete answer.  Why didn't I stay in touch with anybody?  Some of those people I see on Facebook don't live that far away but when high school is over some stay in touch and most of us drift.  It's just what happens.

I remembered everyone who sat at our table (and vice versa) including the guy voted class "Most Wanted."  He brought along our class yearbook which I have sitting at home, but haven't looked at in forever.  I didn't even remember that two of us were on prom court together. I was impressed that they'd traveled out of state to come. We had some interesting catching up conversations.  

28 out of  a graduating class of 300 something

We took an awkward class photo.  It was an oh my gosh this is really happening kind of moment as the photographer cajoled us into gathering around.  They gave away really weird prizes for things like most kids (6) most tattoos (29) and longest married (17) based on so called ballots we filled out.  Now that I'm thinking about it why was it a ballot?  It was more like an info sheet but I guess in some roundabout we we were voting for ourselves even if we didn't know it.  One of the prizes, which is what looked like a fish bowl full of rocks, cracked when tattoo guy, whom I didn't recognize claimed his prize.  It is announced that he will receive a free beer to match the one in his hand.

After that we were left to our own devices.  The music got louder so I looked around for the DJ and saw an iPod hooked up to a speaker.  I guess $75 per person really doesn't go very far.  I spotted a girl that I did Girl Scouts with in elementary school and hesitated before approaching her.  We lost touch after she stayed in girl scouts and I quit in middle school.  I don't think we spoke a word in high school so would it be weird for me to talk to her now what would technically be over 20 years later?  Maybe a little, but I said hello anyway.  We caught up a little and I chatted with a friend she's kept up with all these years but someone whom I only knew in passing in high school.  I ended up in a really good conversation with three other girls two of which I remembered.  We all had really interesting stories about how we met our spouse/fiance.  The dance floor mostly sat empty.  I doubted this thing would last all the way until midnight and was surprised that we stayed until just past 11:00pm. 

It was interesting to see how people have aged or not aged over time.  So where do you live?  Here.  What are you doing?  I work.  Kids?  No, but we travel a lot.  Polite inquiries along with the obligatory I can't believe it's been 20 years because really, none of us can.  Where does the time go?  How is that I am as old as I am?  How is it that my peers are old enough to have teenagers almost the same age we were 20 years ago?  Sometimes I feel it, but most of the time I don't feel like the old person I thought people in their 30's to be when I was in high school. 

The organizers from our class did the best they could with what they have to work with and have already said that the 30 year reunion will not be professionally organized.  It will be a happy hour somewhere instead which makes much more sense considering the turn out is likely to be even less...or maybe it will be better if it's free.

A few days later I got this e mail with all of the candid pics from the reunion.  I found our gallery and all I could do is shake my head and laugh.  Out of all of the random pictures taken throughout the night I'm only in two that were taken while we were all doing the group photo.  I'm glad I went (and according to MJ he did not have a terrible time) but It's almost like I wasn't even there.  Just like high school.

Are all high school reunions this weird?  Or just mine?

Bloglovin' // Twitter // Facebook // Instagram

Things I Don't want to Face Right Now

That there are five out of seven days of the week that I kind of wish I didn't have to do.  I think you know which ones I'm talking about.  I have a problem with wishing days away when life is so precious.  We really do need to be grateful for every single one.

Some day I will have to buy another car.  I bought a Honda so I could drive the wheels off and that's what I intend to do.  I've had it for 5 years and it was used when I bought it.  I'd drive it for the rest of my life if I could but even Honda's don't last forever.  I love my cute little car so much and it loves me back.  Good gas mileage, low maintenance and no car payment.  My next car will probably be another Honda so I'll still have one....it's just the whole parting with cash thing that I hate to think about.

My MacBook is dying.  Like Honda's even Mac's don't last forever.  MJ bought it for me in late 2009.  He added new memory, replaced the battery and re installed the operating system (I think that's what he did) but it's still not acting right.  It shuts down randomly when I'm in Firefox, Safari or word.  Most recently I can't upload pics from iPhoto to blogger.  I'm basically a blogger without a laptop right now.  I never use it anymore because it's so annoying.  He's going to try one more last ditch effort to save it but after that.....it might be time to spend some more moolah.    

That my closet is officially stuffed to capacity and there was room to spare when we moved in 4 years ago.  I don't want to face this because it means that I've done a lot of shopping which means I've spent a lot of money which feels really really wasteful.  In retrospect I do feel that a lot of stuff I got was because I needed it.  As much as you need clothes when you already have some anyway.  I need to do a serious closet cleanse and get rid of stuff and keep my shopping to a minimum.  I have a REALLY hard time parting with clothes.  I need help!!!

That my husband wants another house.  He's got this idea in his head that he needs a yard when one of the things that we really liked about our house when we moved in is that it did not have one.  He has changed his mind about that; I have not.  He wants to spend weekends doing yard work.  I do not.  I really, really love our house.  It has everything we need, a few things we don't and it's going to be a tough act to follow.  It's not the biggest house or the fanciest house but I think it will be damn near impossible to find one I like as much with a price tag we can afford.  I also really hate moving.  Three words come to mind.  Expensive.  Stressful. Don't wanna.  Okay that's four.

That I will never be able to do my middle splits again.  I got the left side back with ease, the right side back with some pain, but the middle splits are as elusive as the carefree days of my teenage years right about now.  I will keep stretching and fighting the good fight as long as I'm physically able.

That some day I'm going to be really old and wrinkled all over.  Getting older can be a bummer sometimes but overall I've been okay with it because I honestly feel that my life and my overall mental health has only improved with age.  Plus, I don't look old yet.  At least I don't think so.  When I look in the mirror I still see a youthful face, a body that still mostly fights gravity and only a few grays here and there that I can pull out.  One day that will not be the case and it's kind of scary to think about what that will feel like.  Or maybe it's just so gradual that you don't really notice it all at once and by then you are ready so it's not that hard to accept?  That's what I'm hoping.

That some day I will lose someone I love.  It's only a passing thought once in a blue moon.  I keep it tucked away in a deep dark area of my brain in a place I choose not to access very often.  It's the kind of thing that is always there and yet you can't think about too often. 
 

So Ready for Retirement

This has been some kind of week; a bad one. Last week flew by but this week I can't believe it's only Thursday. Time is moving incredibly slow. That's what happens when you spend your day in a fog.

There is no pattern that I can figure out but every now and then I get insomnia. MJ will usually tell me that I was asleep but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm laying in bed all night waiting for the alarm to go off.  I can only guess that I'm just not getting into that deep REM sleep that makes you feel like you are sleeping and rested when you wake up. So that happened last Monday. I couldn't fall asleep and was exhausted all day. I took OTC sleeping pills for the rest of the week to make sure it wouldn't happen again and I was okay for the rest of the week but this week I had a new problem. I'm waking up hours before my alarm clock for no reason. The sleeping pill gets me to sleep but then I wake up too early so I'm still not getting enough.

My happily retired parents 

Speaking of being tired I am so ready to be retired. It makes total sense that the word tired is in the word retired because after working for so many years you have got to be straight up tired. I know I am and I am not even half way there. People in their 30's have no business even thinking about retirement.  I'm thinking about it because I'm having a really bad week and my mom is having a really good one because she just retired. After 28 years of working at the post office my mom is finally a free woman.  28 freaking years! That is a really long time to work at one place. My Dad retired last year but they still couldn't travel freely or be flexible with their plans because my mom was still tied down to a job. She might have worked a little longer but after seeing my Dad enjoy the retired lifestyle she was ready to be done with it. I'm glad it's happening while they can still enjoy it. I hate hearing about people who spend their life working only to retire so old and/or ill that they aren't healthy enough to really enjoy their life once they finally can.  Or worse; that they never even make it. My parents are gym rats and are in good health.  My Dad is doing really well since his Kidney transplant so now they'll get to enjoy life together.  It's a pretty exciting time for them. California isn't exactly a retirement friendly state so they have some big decisions to make about where they want to move and settle down. This is their time to live life on their terms. It makes me happy to know they will have comfortable retirement.  Things have fallen into place.  They've worked hard and they deserve it.  I'll have to do the same. 

If I can't retire I'll settle for independently wealthy but either one feels like an impossible far off dream.  I love thinking about getting there one day but I also hate thinking about it because who knows if I'll actually be able to.  I  have a long way to go before I am age eligible but realistically, I'll probably end up working for several years beyond that.  It's overwhelming (and depressing) to think about working well into my 60's. Sigh.  Pensions are a thing of the past.  How do regular folks do it? I contributed to a 401(k) with a company match for 6 years at my old job. I rolled that into a 403 (b) where I contribute what I can monthly since 2008.  I also contribute 7% of my pay to a state retirement account.  I always forget about that one because they make us do it.  I've been paying into social security since I was 16 and I have multiple savings accounts but I still have no idea if it will be enough. I don't think I'll ever feel like I'm doing enough. What do people who don't work rely on?  MJ has a 401(k) with a employer match and he plans to stay in the Army reserves long enough to collect retirement from that so his chances are better then mine. I hate thinking about going to work every day while he lives the retired life.  Call me selfish, but it would really suck.      

If only my actual life was one big vacation with days and days stretched out ahead of me with which to do whatever I want whenever I want.  Wouldn't it be awesome though if you could retire in your prime when you are still young, hot and full of energy?  Not that I can barely stay up past 10 or that my parents aren't hot or anything.  I won't wish these years away.  There is plenty of life to be lived and good times to be had but there will also be years and years of weekends that are never long enough, many Monday's I will dread and vacations that I wish would last forever. 

Love and Loss

I have never been to a funeral.  No one that I am really close to has ever passed away.

My parents moved to Southern California before I was even born and most of my extended family is in Michigan with some in Northern California.  I have cousins, aunts and uncles that I don't know very well.  Growing up, there were Summers that we piled into the car and made the cross country journey to Michigan or the 9 hour drive to San Jose but it wasn't enough to really know them.  It bothers me that I don't and I want to connect but I feel like I don't know where to start.  I met 3 out of my 4 grandparents.  My grandmother on my dad's side is still alive but the others have passed away.  I never really understood how special that grandchild and grandparent relationship until my nephew DJ was born since I had never experienced it myself.  My parents are so in love with that child.  As am I.  Children are so loved.  I imagine that my grandparents love(d) me that way too but not being close to them I never really understood that until now.  DJ will know his grandparents and his aunts in a way that I never did.  They live in North Carolina but we had him here for the first three years of his life and it's important to all of us that he doesn't forget who we are.

Its an odd feeling when someone in your family passes away and you don't feel sadness about it in the way that you think you should.  It kind of makes me feel like a bad person but I know that it's just because I didn't know them.  Yes, I'm sad but not in the way that I would be had I truly known them as a person and had the opportunity to grow close to them.  In a way, I have been spared the pain of loss simply by not knowing my extended family.  While I may be somewhat shielded I don't know how lucky that is because I really would have liked to have known them better.

My aunt passed away on Saturday after 6 years of battling cancer.  I haven't been to Michigan in over 10 years and I can't even remember the last time I saw her.  I am saddened by this and my heart aches for my mother who is losing a sister.  I love my sister's so much.  I can't even imagine how awful that feels.  She is also a mother, a wife and a grandmother.  There are so many who are deeply affected by her passing.  It's this gigantic ripple effect and every ripple is a layer of love and a deeply painful loss.  I don't ever want to know that sickening heart wrenching feeling of loss but I know it's not a choice I get to make.  There will come a day that I will become painfully acquainted with it.

With the passing of my aunt and that terrible shooting; death has been on my mind.  I know, it's so morbid.  But sometimes your mind goes to dark places whether you want it to or not.  I watched Safe Haven on Sunday.  It's about a man who loses his wife to cancer and is now raising their two children on his own.  Boy meets girl, they fall in love and the story unfolds.  The end of the movie left me a sobbing mournful mess alone on my couch.  I can be emotional so this is not unusual for me.  I've cried watching a cotton commercial. I cried as if my heart was breaking just imagining the loss of this fictional characters wife.  Then the anger hit.  I know it's just a movie, but then I thought of my aunt Martha again and anyone else that has lost loved ones.  I too will experience it at some point before I eventually expire myself and somehow it all just seems so cruel and unfair.  I literally asked out loud as if someone would answer; Why do people have to die? It's such a childish question and I am old enough to know the answer.  It's the circle of life.  We can't live forever. 

Sometimes I let my mind wander a little bit too much and I think of how I can possibly endure loosing the people in my life that I love the most.  My eyes tear up, I get this terrible lump in my throat and then I have to push it aside because we can't live our lives fearing what has not yet happened even if it is something as inevitable as death.  I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it.  Nobody should.  It's too depressing and we have to live for the here and now.  But whenever it does sneak into my thoughts it's a reminder of just how important it is to make the most of precious time with friends and family.  Nobody is promised tomorrow.

Working for the Weekend

My alarm went off at 6:22am like it always does on a work day. You might be wondering why not a round number like 6:15 or 6:25. I honestly can't tell you. Somehow it ended up at 6:22am and I just left it that way.  And through a tired haze I thought to myself.  Can I really do this every day for the next 20 years?  At what point do you snap?  I hit snooze.  I scrolled through my Twitter, Instagram and Facebook feeds.  It helps me wake up so I can get out of bed when snooze time runs out.  There it goes again.  Sigh.  Check the weather app.  Drag myself out of bed.  Get dressed, grab snacks, drive to work and stay there for 9 hours.  Summer is particularly brutal.  A lot of people are taking time off.  The empty office makes it feel like nobody is working but me.  Summer vacation ceased to exist a long time ago but every now and then I can't help but wish I could get it back.  Work, work, work.  Come home, work out, eat dinner, watch a few TV shows and relax for the next 2-3 hours left of my night.  Lather, rinse, repeat for five days until Friday rolls around and I have two days; 48 whole hours to myself in which to fit in fun and anything else that needs to get done.

It's kind of weird concept to think that the very roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food that I eat depends on me going to a building every day where I sit at a desk and do various tasks.  If I don't go, they don't pay me and if they don't pay me I have nothing.  The very thing that prevents me from doing so many things that I would much rather do is also the same thing that allows me to do and have anything at all.

But that's life and they don't call it work for nothing.  I am one of millions and millions of people working for the weekend every day.  Hell, some don't even get the weekend and some don't even have jobs and desperately want them so I should consider myself lucky.  And I do.  Even though my tone is grim I do realize how lucky I am to have this place I can go to every day in exchange for a paycheck and the health benefits that go along with it.  I'm lucky to have the health and well being to get up and go.  And thank goodness for all of the wonderful things in my life that I love that help break up the monotony of the 9-5.  I really enjoy my weekends off spending time with friends and family or doing not much of anything at all.  We always try to have some kind of travel plans on the horizon to look forward to.

So, the question remains.  Can I get up every day and do this for the next 20 years?  And as depressing as it sounds the answer is yes.  There really isn't any other choice in the matter.  If doing this every day keep our bills paid, helps get us the things that we need and allows us to do things we want then that's what I'll have to do.  I will not always love it.  Who am I kidding.  Most of the time I won't.  Counting the hours until I can go home is more like it.  I don't hate my job.  I'm just not all that thrilled that I HAVE to go there every day.  There will be many times when I'm jealous as hell of other people that don't have to do this.  I will have more day dreams then I can keep track of about a life that doesn't include the daily grind.  Fantasies about striking it rich.  Early retirement. About turning my passion into my career or becoming a full time world traveler.  I don't know what the future holds.  Who knows.  It could happen.  In the meantime I'm tired and I gotta get to bed so I can get up and go to work tomorrow.  One day down, four to go.....

Life Lessons From The Office

The people on The Office are weird.  Only three of them are normal.  Pam, Jim and Darryl.  Okay, and maybe Erin when she's not being so dense.  There is nothing outwardly desirable or interesting about their life.  Their clothes are blah.  Their jobs are blah.  Their lives are one big blah.  They are working 9-5 stiffs at a paper company.  Could there be anything more boring then paper?  In a boring town that nobody would ever really want to visit.  And their office parties are terrible.  

 

People don't want to see that.  They like watching young beautiful people who look like they fell out of a magazine working at glamorous jobs, wearing the latest fashions and doing trendy things.

Except maybe that's not always the case.  Maybe sometimes people get tired of all that high gloss perfection.  Sometimes we just want to see normal people doing ordinary things.  Well, actually there is nothing normal about Dwight and Kevin or about Andy crapping on the hood of a car but still.  In general, they are just regular people.  Like me.  They are flawed.  Goofy.  They are not Forever 21 and they don't always make sense.  They go to work in a colorless office building, sit in the same desk and see the same people every day.  They go to meetings in the conference room.  They joke around.  They meet up for happy hour.  They become friends.  The months turn into years.  I can relate.  I get to do really fun things and I savor my weekends off but by and large because it happens five out of seven days of the week the day to day is about going to work.  It's a normal every day sometimes hum drum life and I liked seeing it on TV In all of it's embarrassingly awkward yet funny yet what the hell just happened glory.  It's way more exciting then what goes on in my office but at the same time so real. And really bizarre.

The Office figured out a way to make ordinary interesting and there is nothing ordinary about how interesting these ordinary characters could be and how they kept people wanting more for 9 seasons.  

When my husband was getting ready to delete the very last episode from our DVR I made him stop.

Why?  Because.  I just wasn't ready to let it go yet.  I have a thing for words.  I love words that make me feel something inside.  The quotes at the end of the show were so moving.  I guess I just wanted to hear them said one more time.  And I didn't want to forget.

It took me so long to do so many important things.  It's just hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy then I could've been.  Be strong.  Trust yourself.  Love yourself.  Conquer your fears.  Just go after what you want and act fast because life just isn't that long.  -Pam

If you film anybody long enough they're going to do something stupid. It's only human natural.  (big goofy smile) -Kevin

When are we all going to be here?  Together again?  -Angela

If you are ever in the area.  You'll have a place to stay.  In my barn.  -Dwight

I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.  Someone should right a song about that. -Andy

You take something ordinary, like a piece of paper.  It's not much. But if you see it in the right way......-Oscar

How did you do it?  How did you capture what it was really like.  How we felt?  How we made each other laugh? And how we got through the day.  How did you do it?  Also, how do cameras work? -Erin

Everyday when I came to work all I wanted to do was leave.  So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now? -Darryl

No matter how you get there or where you end up.  Human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. -Creed

I worked for a paper company all these years and I never wrote anything down.  -Phyllis

Even if I didn't love every minute of it.  Everything I have I owe to this job.  This stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job. -Jim

There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things.  Isn't that kind of the point?  -Pam

Who knew those nutty people could be so worldly and wise?  Here's my takeaway from The Office. 

• True love will find a way.  
• There is significant value as human beings in every single one of us.  
• Every person we meet touches our life in some way whether you realize it or not.  
• Don't forget to take delight in the ordinary every day joys of life.  
• Be present and soak it all in.  
• Life is not always perfect or what you expected but it's still yours and it has the potential to be whatever you want it to be so it's up to you to make the best of it. 

Resolutions Revisited

Wishing everyone a healthy, happy, prosperous New Year [Pic Source]

Last year I was not very ambitious when it came to making New Year's resolutions.  I had an amazing 2010 where I had the wedding I always wanted, bought a house, went to Hawaii for my honeymoon and got a promotion at work.  I was still basking in the joy of 2010 and settling into everything by the time the end of 2011 rolled around!  I was rebounding from a very expensive and financially stressful 2010 but by then I was feeling good about finances as an individual and as a couple.  I had stuck with the gym marking a year of consistency after going through a pretty long I refuse to work out phase.  I was in such a good place that I wasn't wanting for much more then I already had so I only focused on three.  Having so few can either better my odds of success since there weren't that many to begin with or make me look like a total fail if I don't complete every single one.

2012 Resolutions:
1. Write a book!  SUCCESS
Well sort of.   I had never told anyone that I wanted to write a book so I put it out into the universe for the first time last year with the goal of writing 15 pages per month for the entire year.  How did I do?  There were 3 months out of the year where I failed miserably and wrote nothing because of school and then because my brain was still in la la land after we got back from Europe.  Other then that I almost met my goal.  I went from 27 pages and 6,800 words to 188 pages and 45,104 words over the course of the year.  When you do the math that's about 13 pages per month.  I consider it a success because I've come so far with it.  If I keep up the pace I will finish it by the end of 2013.  I'll probably still have a lot of fine tuning and editing to do but the bulk of it will be done.

2. Learn Spanish with Rosetta Stone. TOTAL FAIL
I planned to pick it up again after I finished my classes but that never happened.  I found that when I had extra time I wanted to devote it to writing and there just didn't seem like there was too much extra time after that.  I got far enough before to earn a certificate and I actually liked it so I know I can do it again once I really set my mind to it.  I'm filing this away as something I definitely plan to do but just haven't decided on when!

3. Get cooking.  SUCCESS
My goal was to keep it on my radar as something I need to do and get in there and do it.  I made no commitment about how often.  I'm going to count this as a success because that's exactly what I did.  I made an effort and I got in the kitchen and cooked.  Not with any regularity and there were some major gaps in between at times but for me that is better then not doing anything at all.  I think I've also come to  a realization about cooking.  It's not me and it may never be me.  My husband enjoys it and he's a hell of a lot better at it then me so why not just let that be his thing?  Whey beat myself up over it and feel like a terrible wife just because it's not something that I'm going to do that often?  We each bring something different to the table.  I clean and do laundry, he cooks and maybe that's okay.  I'm still going to make the effort to get in there because I think it's a nice thing to do for him but I need to stop feeling so guilty about not doing it a lot.

Two out of three is 66%.  Bleh!  So what about this year?  I'm not making any resolutions!  I just want to finish my book and that will be good enough for me.  And it's not like there aren't other things I want to do but even being the list maker that I am I'm not feeling the need to list them out this year.

Our NYE was very low key as usual.  We went to a gathering at friends house for dinner and then came back home a few hours before midnight.  We watched a countdown show, shared a big smootch and promptly fell asleep on the couch until about 2am.  I'm spending New Year's day relaxing at home and doing laundry.   I'm currently watching a Catfish marathon on MTV.  I DO NOT want to go back to work!  These 12 days off and getting to spend so much time with Mj have been great.  Pity it has to end.

Link up here!

You Are Enough

I didn't realize how much it would mean or that I even needed to hear it at all until I did.  As I sat in my car outside work and finished listening these powerful words brought tears to my eyes and touched a place deep within my heart.
  
You are beautiful.  You are enough.  The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough.  You are not thin enough.  You are not tan enough.  You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough.  Your teeth are not white enough.  Your legs are not long enough.  Your clothes are not stylish enough.  You are not educated enough.  You don’t have enough experience.  You are not creative enough.

There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.

You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.

You were created for a purpose, exactly so.  You have innate value.  You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored.  There has never been, and there will never be another you.  Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world.  They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.

You are beautiful.  You are valuable.  You are enough.

I'm smiling up at my husband

I know how it feels to be that girl who feels worthless and does not believe she is good enough.  I never believed in myself and felt I had nothing to offer.  I've come such a long way towards accepting and finding the good in myself after spending so many years tearing myself down.  I am not the same person I was in my teens and 20's and that's a good thing. Some measure of peace and acceptance has come with age, life experiences and a wonderful husband and for that I am grateful.  Had I heard these same words back then they would have made me cry but I probably wouldn't have believed them for even a second.  Today they not only made me cry but I actually believe them to be true.  I cried for the sad and depressed teenage girl I used to be but then I smiled at the more confident and happy woman I have become.

This is #10.  You can find the rest of Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls on Kate Connor's blog Lilly Pads.  Thank you Kate for writing this and thank you AJ of from Star 94.1 for seeing the value in this and sharing it on the radio.  I'm sure I'm not the only girl who needed to hear it.  I'm not a teenager anymore but I can still relate.  It applies to women of all ages.

2012 Resolutions

I know most people came up with their resolutions last month or at the beginning of this month.  There is exactly 1 day left in January but the new year is still fresh so I figure it's not too late to write mine.  I have some non specific general things that I want to work on in life but these are the specific ones.  I like to zero in on a few that are really important to me so my list is usually short and sweet.  Let's see how I did on last years resolutions first.

2011 Resolutions:
1.  Be active at the gym or otherwise.  Success!  It was really hard at first.  It really sucked to be spending hours of my precious evenings working out but I stuck with it and now going to the gym and getting work outs in has become a regular part of my life.  It feels good to know that I am doing something healthy for my body and staying fit.  It  became part of my routine and doesn't suck as much as it used to.

2.  Take some classes at the community college.  Success!  I'm in my second semester now.

3.  Continue on with learning Spanish using Rosetta Stone. Fail!  I didn't even start up again at all.

4.  Get in the kitchen and cook.  Mixed Bag!   Cooking isn't my "thing" and I don't think it ever will be so I never set out to be that person that cooks multiple times a week.  The plan was to manage once or twice a week actually.  I started out really good last year.  I looked up recipes and got the ones I liked all organized in a folder on my laptop.  When we went grocery shopping I made a point to buy the needed ingredients so that I would be prepared to cook them.  When I get out of the habit of making an effort to cook it gets really hard to start back up again.  It started fading away as the year went on.  I got busy with trying to stay in the gym and then once I started taking classes in September that was pretty much the nail in the coffin.  Then the holidays came.  Things got busy.  Blah, blah, blah. 

Eh, not so bad. Maybe I'm not as much of a slacker as I sometimes think I am! I accomplished most of them and only had one total fail.  Now for this year's resolutions.

2012 Resolutions:
1.  Write a book.  This is the first time I've ever verbally voiced my desire to do this or even told myself that I really would.  By putting it out into the universe I am hoping that will help hold me accountable and make it feel more real and possible.  I have something fiction that I've been working on for a while and it sat untouched since Sept of 2010.  I started writing again and ended up with 20 pages in one sitting.  I can do this.  I just have to push myself.  I don't care if nothing further ever comes of it but I love writing and would like to accomplish this for myself. 

2.  Spanish with Rosetta Stone.  I started this back in 2009 while Mj was deployed to help keep me occupied.  He came back, we planned a wedding, got married and bought a house.  Needless to say I was otherwise engaged and then last year I dropped the ball completely.  I plan to pick it up again after I finish my two classes this semester.

3.  Get cooking.  Mj is the main cook in our family.  He enjoys it and he's way better at it then I'll ever be.  I'm trying not to feel so badly that I don't do this more often...or ever as of late.  We each bring different things to the table and for me cooking is just not one of them.  BUT...I need to keep trying.  Mj deserves to eat something every once in a while that he did not have to make himself.  It always makes me feel good when I make something for him even if I know it probably would have tasted better if he had done it himself!   So even thought this is not my "thing" it goes back on the list.  I'm not going to specify how often, just that I need to keep it on my radar as something I need to do on a regular basis.

Be The Match

July is African American Bone Marrow Awareness Month and it made me think about what led me to the bone marrow registry in the first place.  Just after college an old high school friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer.  I hadn't spoken to him in a long time but I think being struck with a potentially deadly illness propelled him to reach out. We were friends, but like many do after high school we had lost touch.  I remember visiting him in the hospital.  He'd had surgery and was so drugged up and in so much pain he couldn't say more than a couple words to me.  Fortunately, I'd never had much cause to visit a hospital but I didn't think it would affect me the way it did.  That "hospital smell," the shiny white washed floors and the presence of suffering and illness made me weak in the knees.  For a moment I actually thought I might pass out as I stood there and did what I could to be of comfort to him.  He battled this illness for well over a year and even towards the end when I could visibly see the cancer snaking its way up his neck he was always hopeful that he could beat it.  At some point in his illness he required a bone marrow transplant and my family got tested to see if any of us were a match. Nobody wants their life disrupted by surgery and having never even had an overnight stay in the hospital even as I was giving blood I was scared of what might happen if I matched.  But my fears were not important.  My friend is someone's son.  He is an older brother.  That is what was important. His life matters and seeing him in need and fighting for his life meant that I needed to do what I could to help even if it required anesthesia and a needle.  No one in his family was a match and neither were any of us.  Nobody was.  Though he put up a valiant fight he succumbed to his illness.  I will never ever forget him.  He was so young and had so much left to do in this world.  I am saddened to think about all that he and his family have missed out on.

Would I feel the same way if it was a stranger?  I may not have that physical connection that comes with knowing the person in need but the circumstances are the same.  The bone marrow donor must be a close match.  When even family members may not be suitable donors it makes you realize that it’s really like searching for a needle in a haystack.   If I am that one match that someone needs I'd have no choice but to help.  When we got tested, our information was sent to the National Marrow Donor Program^® Registry, as it was called then (now Be The Match Registry^®).  That meant that technically, I could get a call at any time regarding donation for someone in need.  According to Be The Match Registry "On average, one in every 540 members of Be The Match Registry in the United states will go on to donate marrow to a patient."  There are two ways to donate.  One way is to extract bone marrow through a needle in the back of the donor’s pelvis.  This is always done under anesthesia. The other more common method is called Peripheral Blood Stem Cells (PBSC).   For five days the donor receives daily injections of a drug called filgrastim to increase the number of blood forming cells in their bloodstream prior to donation.  Then, a needle is used to remove the blood and separate out the blood-forming cells.  It is very similar to giving blood.  You can read more information about the steps of donation here.  Could I  do it?  Would I have the courage to undergo that procedure for someone that I've never met? The answer is yes. Getting that call means there is someone that might die without my help.  I am living my life just fine; why not give someone else the same chance to do that too?  The amount of discomfort and fear that I might go through is minimal in comparison to what a person facing a serious illness and possible death is dealing with.  I also think about if the roles were reversed.  I would want someone to step up and be willing to do the same for me.

It's especially important for ethnic minorities to be on the registry as a volunteer donor.  Race is a factor in determining if a donor is suitable or not.  Patients are more likely to be a match to someone of their own race and ethnicity. Many African Americans and others of diverse backgrounds have trouble finding a match, so racially and ethnically diverse donors are urgently needed.  The pool of diverse potential donors needs to go up in order to increase the chance that patients will find the life-saving match they so desperately need.  

I am just a regular woman who goes to work in an office every day.  I am not in the military, a doctor, or a firefighter but I could still save a life and that is huge in my book.  I’ve seen what a bone marrow transplant can do.  Over 10 years ago my younger sister had a close childhood friend that was diagnosed with Leukemia.  Not too long ago I stumbled upon her Facebook page which led me to her blog.  That sick little girl I saw in a hospital bed is now a beautiful young woman who has gone to college and has a real talent for photography.  The average time it takes for the bone marrow donor to resume normal activities is 1 to 7 days and in return she and her family have the chance to experience a lifetime of memories.  While the idea of donating scares me, if I can make that possible for someone else and give them that second chance I will.

You can get more information at BeTheMatch.org.

Weight of the World

When I was a kid my best friend and I were gymnasts.  Her mom was a stay at home mom to three and most of the other parents had to work so she always ended up being the carpool go to person.  She picked us up, and dropped us off at daily practice and hosted many a slumber parties and camping trips.  We seemed to spend a lot of time in the car.  I'm not sure why I remember the things that I do but I still have this image of her driving with one hand on the wheel and the other hand holding up her head while her arm rested on the door with her elbow just slightly sticking out of the window.   She sighed a lot and often looked sad and tired.  Just looking at her like that you got the sense that the weight of the world was on her shoulders.  I remember clearly thinking to myself with the innocence of a child that I would never be that way.  As a kid sitting in the back seat chatting with my gym buddies I had no comprehension of the menagerie of worries she could possibly be struggling with and simply could not understand what could make someone appear so beaten down.  How could I?  Childhood is such a wonderful little bubble of joy.  I was young, full of energy and had no responsibilities beyond household chores and going to school.  My biggest worry was if I would get my back handspring on beam or if my dad would let me go to Disneyland with the other girls. 

As an official adult for the last sixteen years I know better now.  I can think of a million things that could have caused the sadness in her eyes and the weariness in her face.  I often times find myself assuming that same pose with my head in my hand on my way home from a long day of work.  A worried head racing with thoughts of this or that.  Funny how that is.  I know now what I couldn't begin to know back then.  As we grow older our world broadens and along with that comes a million other things that make us grow up and make us grown ups.  Some things we like, and some we don't but we don't get to pick and choose.   I remember the excitement of going off to college, the thrill of ordering my first drink in a bar and the pride of moving out into my first apartment on my own after college.  I remember how excited and responsible I felt when I got my first "big girl" job with salary and benefits.  Along with each step comes things that need resolving, bills that need to be paid and obligations that need to be tended to.  It goes on and on with each new milestone.

Life can be as hard as it is rewarding.  I know that I've not seen the worst it has to offer and can't complain too much but there are days when I just can't see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel and my inner demons threaten to knock me down.  Moments where I feel tired and worn out by the day to day struggle of making it and figuring out where I fit in.  Times that I wonder where I went wrong and what, oh what can I do to fix it now. 

So what do we do?  We keep going because as grown ups that's what we are supposed to do.  We hold on tight to the good things and do our best to fend off the bad.  We gather strength and joy from the ones we love.  We keep working, growing, and learning.  We bask in delight wherever it finds us, because surely and thankfully it will.  We do this because life can be hard but it is still good.

It's My Story

I meant to write this post last week.  Just like we meant to take down the Christmas tree.  At least we don't turn on the lights anymore.  It WILL come down this weekend.  For sure.

I want to take a moment to say thank you for the wonderful and kind comments I received on my blog post What A Decade It's Been.  First, let me back up and say thanks for reading my blog at all.  A lot of you commented on how honest and real that post was.  That it's brave to just put it all out there.  Me strong?  I never felt that way.  Ever.  But thank you so much for saying so and making me realize that maybe I am.  I  left some things out of course, but it's the general gist of that period in my life.  At the time I would have been way to embarrassed to discuss what I was going through but now that it's behind me I'm not afraid.   I'm not that person anymore.  Like it or not it's a part of me and what got me to where I am today.  Not exactly my proudest moments but it happened and I AM proud that I managed to overcome it.

For so long I believed that I didn't deserve happiness.  I thought it was something that only smiled upon others but that I should never expect it for myself.  The last two years have proved that theory all wrong.  The majority of the decade was pretty miserable but things really did turn around for me.  I am just so darn thrilled that things are different now.  It's my story and it just felt right that I share it on my blog, ugly details and all.