Four years ago today I stood on the sidewalk outside of the downtown convention center on a cold rainy day huddled under an umbrella. When the Silver SUV pulled up to the hotel parking lot next door I peered through the rain and paused for a second before dashing over to the car and getting in. Hello's were exchanged and then we decided where to go for dinner. Two weeks prior my friend gave him my number and texted me a pic she took with her cell phone so this was not only our first date but our first time ever meeting each other. Afterward, I was asked how the date went. I shrugged my shoulders. It was fun. I don't know. He made me laugh and he was cute but I was highly independent and skeptical. We'll see. Four years later that man in the silver SUV is my husband and we are settling into married life. We are adapting to each others quirks. Learning of our strengths and weaknesses together and as individuals is an ongoing process. The so called "honeymoon phase" of dating is different then married life. It's the natural progression of a relationship and I embrace it just as I took delight in those early getting to know you dates.
Four years later there are moments when I can't believe that he loves me. I mean, I know he does it's just that some days I don't feel so lovable. There are days when I come home from work and an exhausting work out at the gym. I am tired. The day has been long and I am agitated for no reason at all. I walk in and see his wonderful face without really seeing it. I am so caught up in my need to get in the house and begin my nightly ritual that gets me unwound and ready for bed within the next few hours. I have had zero time to myself all day and with the night half over I know I won't be getting very much before bedtime. I am distracted and annoyed that there aren't more hours in the day. My husband asks me if I will cut up the strawberries and I give him the look. Are you kidding me? I just got home and I still have yesterday's laundry to fold. In that moment I don't like myself. I love my husband more then anything but I am just too tired and sore to be bothered with Strawberries. Cooking under the best of circumstances is a chore for me. Martha Stewart I am not and I have yet to unlock my Joy of Cooking so if the way to a man's heart is only through his stomach I'm in big trouble. Sometimes I feel so undeserving. I am the wicked witch of the west and he has a heart of gold. I wish that I had the wherewithal to be anything and everything he needs me to be at all times and at the same time I know that it's not possible. I am hopelessly flawed but I really do want to be better then I am. He makes me want to be better but that is an ever evolving work in progress and I have to realize that better isn't likely to ever be perfection. I look at him and hope against hope that this wonderful love we have will survive my flaws because to not have him would be worse then anything else I could ever imagine.
At the end of the night when we cuddle together on the couch and watch a bit of TV before bed. Not only do I see his wonderful face but I feel it resting on my cheek. I am struck once again by just how lucky I am. I have this wonderful person by my side. I don't have to walk through this world alone. He loves me when I don't even like myself. He forgives me for my mistakes and has shown me so much love and compassion even when I am critical and selfish. When I refuse to cut strawberries or I ask him two five times too many to do something. This realization renews my resolve to be better and do better so that I can be the best wife that I can be...flaws and all.
"Flaws and All" by Beyonce
I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.
[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you [3x]
I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that's exactly what I mean.
[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that's why I love you [3x]
[Repeat Chorus]
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.
[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you [3x]
I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that's exactly what I mean.
[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that's why I love you [3x]
[Repeat Chorus]
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Good Post! I totally understand you. I've been with my husband going on 11 years and married 7 of those years. Marriage is hard, and there are many days that I wish we were still in those dating and honeymoon stages, but such is life. It's hard work and requires so much from both people, but well worth it when it's all said and done.
ReplyDeleteomg, i think this must be my most favorite post of yours. absolutely loved reading this because i know exactly what you mean. how blessed we are to be loved with all our flaws and all.
ReplyDeletei have to check out this song :)
Such a great post! We've been together almost 6 years and there's ups and downs and I don't know how he puts up with me!
ReplyDeleteAwww! So touching!!! The hub's and I have been together for 10 years (married for 7) and very recently learned that we will be adding an additional layer of unconditional love to our union...we're expecting our first child! It is crazy to believe that you can be together for so long and still feel like newlyweds...and we certainly do. I totally get what you're saying about your hubby loving you when you don't even like yourself. Just last night my husband woke me up at about 2am (after we went to bed around midnight because of his comedy show last night) to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am and how I am going to be an amazing mother. Now, when I think about it I am VERY touched and feel extremely blessed. BUT at 2am after sleeping for 2 hours (with very frequent trips to the bathroom)and then subsequently getting up at 4am...and HELLO pregnant, I have to say I was a bit of a grouch. I am glad he loves me unconditionally...Flaws and ALL!
ReplyDeleteWith Class and Sass,
~Khalilah~
So romantic!! Love it! Happy anniversary to the two of you!!
ReplyDeleteCece, I loved this post! I feel this way all.the.time. Not enough hours in the day, I swear!
ReplyDelete:)
Yasi
Hello, Gorgeous!
You have an awesome "How we met" story. How beautifully random is it that you and your hubs met the way you did?!?! Also I am really loving the Beyonce song you posted. I had never heard it before, but I just listened to it and really related to the lyrics. I sent it to my hubs because it describes me to a T!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great post, even made me tear up a little bit because you couldn't have said better what I feel most days when I get home from work. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is cook dinner or clean up the place, and sometimes I take it out on Ian who comes to greet me with a hug and kiss. And I hate myself for doing that.
ReplyDeleteI remind myself that above everything, I get to come home to hang out with my best friend every night, and that helps me bite my tounge when I want to take out the days frustrations on the nicest person in the world. It's all part of the transition into marriage. And we are totally still in the honeymoon phase!
So glad you could relate. I think a lot of people will. My husband too is just the sweetest thing ever. He is hardly every moody or annoyed and it makes me feel so terrible when I am irritated for no reason.
DeleteHappy 'Meeting' Anniversary!! :)
ReplyDeleteFor a bit money was tight and I was working extra, which was bringing stress home with me- on top of the stress I already had. One day, I realized that it was not worth the "flaws" it was causing in my marriage. My hubby works hard too (just as yours does), so I decided to only work extra shifts and put extra things on my plate if it was going to allow me to enjoy life outside of those "things". Guess what? Life got better! I hardly any stress and am at peace with myself and my relationship. Then I read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and that just reaffirmed it! I need to continue that review I was doing now that I have more time! You are a strong and loving girl, so I know that you will do what is right for yourself and your hubby. Compromise is key. Just a question- does he help out with chores? I know that helped us. Will did the dishes 'cuz I HATE doing the dishes, and he does maintenance, yard work and keeps the downstairs vacuumed and picked up. Just those few tasks made me feel like I wasn't having to do it all. Ya know?
ReplyDeletehave* Dang typos!
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way. And sometimes I even get ahead of myself and think "how do people do this when they have kids?!" I can be selfish right now but still, what will happen to those evenings to myself???
ReplyDeleteThis may be one of my favorite posts of yours! I think that the honesty here is so admirable...and for me it's all about trying to find honesty.
ReplyDeleteI have so many flaws that it's a miracle my husband puts up with me. He has flaws too but mine are just so much more obvious!
Love this picture!