If You Want Something Go Get it

Funny how sometimes you don't even realize that you need a little inspiration until after you get it.  Sports and athleticism is everything that dreams are made of.  Hard work, determination, challenge, pain, fear, victory and defeat.  This video made my eyes tear up and a sticky lump form in my throat.  I can't even pin point exactly why.  I do know that it has nothing to do with my crushed dreams of becoming an Olympic gymnast.  As much as I loved and still love gymnastics I wasn't really that great at it.

I might sound like a pessimist saying this but sometimes it's so annoying to constantly hear that if you work hard enough you can be anything that you want to be and do anything that you want to do.  The people you hear saying it are usually the ones that found that pot at the end of the rainbow.  It feels all nice and fuzzy to say it but the reality is that no matter how hard you try not all dreams come true.  I hate to be a Debbie downer but that's the truth of the matter.  There is absolutely no guarantee etched in stone somewhere that dreams come true.  It is true that it's possible to dream big and accomplish something even bigger but hard work and dreaming it doesn't always make it so.  That's no reason to quit or give up though, and I think you should believe wholeheartedly that it can come true.  Don't stop dreaming.  Don't stop believing.  You kind of have to in order to keep reaching for it but in the end the only thing you can control is whether or not you really and truly did your best and tried your hardest.

Reality TV has gotten so trashy along the way but that's not how it started.  In the beginning most of them seemed to be centered around dream chasing and that's what attracted me to it the most.  The Real World started out with seven strangers with stars in their eyes off to New York City.  A lot of people know Lucy Hale from Pretty Little Liars.  She was on American Juniors 10 years ago.  I watched every single episode.  And this was before DVR.  I don't watch the show but when I saw that she was on it, I thought to myself.  Wow.  She made it.  I cried like a baby when Kelly Clarkson won American Idol and season after season tears fall down my face when I watch the winner of America's Next Top Model announced.  I even watched a few episodes of Food Court Wars and I can't wait to start watching the first episode of Chasing Nashville.  Against all odds.  Despite the day to day challenges of life.  It's such a beautiful and inspirational thing to see people realize their dreams.  I really can't get enough of it.

My emotional response to this video is without completed fill in the blank answers but at the same time very telling.  True, I cry when fictional characters die in movies and when people win reality TV shows.  And I'm a sucker for beautiful Gymnastics but it was more then that.  It stirred up something else inside of me.  I may not know what's behind it but I can only hope that some day I will figure it out.

Listen to the words.  What do they say to you?

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A Novel Idea

Sept 2009:  6,800 words, 27 pages

Jan  2012:  10,131 words, 42 pages

Feb 2012:  0

Mar 2012:  0

Apr 2012:  13,513 words, 53 pages

May 2012: 19,282 words, 80 pages

June 2012:  23,056 words, 95 pages

July 2012:  29,517 words, 123 pages

Aug 2012:  35,058 words, 146 pages

I started this in 2009, put it down and didn't look at it again for three whole years.  I never even said it out loud to anyone that writing a book was something I wanted to do until this year even though it's been floating around in the back of my mind for a really long time. I mean, you can't just casually say, "Oh, yeah I want to write a book."  It seems so impossible.

Who am I to think I am actually capable of such a thing?

I love to read and to write. I used to sign up for Summer reading programs at the library when I was a kid. I've been writing in journals since I was 9.  I used to write stories and enter writing contests in elementary school. I've always loved writing, but I have no clue if I'm any good at it. If I'd been true to my heart in college I probably would have majored in creative writing or journalism or anything to do with writing.  In retrospect I wish I had. Sociology may have seemed more practical at the time but I've never even come close to working in that field so I could have gotten a degree in anything based on where I'm at now.

Writing a book has always been a dream of mine, but I put it off for so long because I was afraid. I didn't know where to begin and I was afraid of finding out that I wasn't capable of it. Eventually, I put some words on paper in 2009 and got a nice start. Then I got stumped. Then life happened. I was too busy with house hunting, wedding planning and post wedded bliss. There was always some excuse.

Sneak Peak

Every  now and then I'd get this burning desire to write a book and instead of ignoring it this year I dusted off the old manuscript and got to working on it again. It's going to be Fiction.  I had to re read everything and figure out where I was and then where I wanted to go, but once I got started again I wrote 20 pages in one day making me think....okay maybe I can do this. I need to get to about 60,000-80,000 words which is about 225 pages for it to be novel length, so I made it one of my new year's resolutions to write 15 pages per month. I'm a little bit behind. I skipped Feb and March altogether because I was taking a few college classes, and I'll be gone for half of next month so I'm not sure how I'll do then. I'm okay with that as long as I do my best to write every month.

Sometimes I hit a wall.  I don't know what I want my characters to do, or it feels boring and don't know what to do to liven things up. When that happens I get a little discouraged, and put it aside but at some point I force myself to pull it out and keep writing. Write something. Anything. I keep telling myself that if I just make myself keep going, eventually the story will unfold. I keep notes about the characters and a timeline of events as I go so I can keep track of what's going on. With every page I write, I gain more confidence in myself that I might actually be able to finish it. 

Even now that I've decided I'm doing this the words "my book" still feel very strange coming out of my mouth.  It's something that a lot of people say they want to do, but only a handful ever actually do it. I really want to be one of the ones that do. I'm not even worried about whether or not I would get it published or not.  I just want to be able to say that it was something big I wanted to do and that I did it.

If I Can Dream

I am under a lot of stress lately being smack dab in the middle of closing.  I am just tired of the whole process am beyond ready for it to be over already.  I feel like I've been living in limbo all year and it's really getting to me.  Buying a house AND having a wedding within the space of two months means a boatload of money is being spent and if there is one thing that's been stressing me out aside from my cramped 400 square foot studio and so much uncertainty over the house it's that.  We just spent $500 on a cake.  I still don't have a renter for my studio and so I'm considering taking on a 2nd job.  I don't even know for sure when we are getting the keys to our house and I have a moving truck scheduled for Friday.  The bank has been so slow getting our documents out for us to sign.        

So, let's just say it didn't take much to get the waterworks flowing.  I've been watching this web only show called "If I can Dream"on hulu.com.  Amanda has made a decision to leave the dream house because it's not working out for her to be there where she feels she has no control over her personal life living in a house with cameras 24/7.  When she made her announcement both she and Cara were crying and the next thing I know I was crying too.  This is not unusual considering I have been moved to tears by a 30 second Cotton commercial before.  Watching that outpouring of emotion just kinda touched a nerve in me partly because of my personal stress and partly because I found it so sad that she was literally walking away from her dream.  As one who once had a dream myself I can only imagine how difficult that must be.  It is next to impossible to make it in that industry.  For every Julia Roberts, Miley Cyrus or Megan Fox there are thousands upon thousands of talented people that couldn't make it.  She is giving up a once in a lifetime opportunity to live in a house rent free, not have to work, receive free acting classes, and support from the management team that handles all the American Idol winners.  The chance to pursue her acting dreams was handed to her on a silver platter and she chose to walk away from it.  In my opinion there must be more to the story then what she is saying that would cause her to do that.  I don't know what it's like to walk in her shoes but from the shoes I'm wearing....I think it's quite a bizarre choice and I can say with certainty that if I EVER had a chance like that I would jump at it in a heartbeat and don't think anything could make me walk away.

Crying has always been a tension reliever for me so it was good for me to just let it out.  In my darker days I used to do it A LOT and not be able to snap out of it but thankfully those days are over and I now have the ability to brush myself off and keep moving.  Today is a new day and I'm off to a good start.  I forgot to put on a bra today [no worries, they aren't that big] but other then that I'm at work and I'm getting on with it.  At the moment the only dream I have on my mind is getting those keys and becoming a homeowner with Mj.  There is still a possibility that we can sign docs today, close and have our keys by Friday so we can move.  I'm just waiting ANXIOUSLY for that call from escrow. 

America's Next Top Model Cycle 13 Petites: Nicole vs Laura

Nicole & Laura at the Final Runway Show

This was the first cycle ever dedicated to petite models 5'7" and under only. I thought it was great to see having always been a "short" model myself. I think it proves that you don't have to be 5'10" to look amazing in a high fashion photo. The fashion industry is stubborn so I don't see the industry standards changing any time soon but it's a start. You don't even have to win America's Next Top Model to become a successful working model. Tyra Banks has gotten so many models discovered and working who might otherwise have gotten lost in the shuffle. Her show has been a great innovator in terms of pushing the industry towards acceptance of different looks, plus size and now she is doing it again with petites.

The stakes were really high this season. There are always tears in the initial episode where the group that actually competes to be the top model is decided but this time it was even more devastating for these girls. Short models face an uphill battle and for many of them this was their one shot to ever have a chance of making it.

Nicole's transformation from beginning to end was nothing short of incredible. In the early episodes she talked like a stoner and had the personality of a rock. Her monotone voice showed even less expression then her face and she was so socially awkward. The lights were on but nobody was home. Compare that to the final episode where she is bubbly, laughing, confident, and full of smiles as she challenges for the top spot in the final runway show. She seems like a totally different person. She takes beautiful photos and once she came out of her shell there was no stopping her. Being on the show not only turned her into a model but a well adjusted woman with confidence that simply wasn't there before.

Laura is a sweetheart. She's your down home small town girl with dreams and a heart of gold. She truly is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside and that is such a rare and special quality. Her personal style was just about the worst ever seen in Top Model history but her personality was so charming and endearing that she made it to the final two anyways. It was amazing to watch her overcome her dyslexia and deliver such a likable Cover Girl commercial. Her commercial from last week's episode was horrible but she totally turned it around surprising everyone.

Neither one are exceptional on the runway and being 5'7" that probably doesn't matter so much anyways. They did a good job in the final runway show but I couldn't see either one in fashion week and not because they are petite. It would have been nice if the first petite top model winner was also amazing on the runway so she could challenge in that area as well. Looking at their photos from all prior shoots in panel it was clear to me that Nicole took better pictures and has greater range then Laura because of her high fashion edge. She is just a natural model with a fierceness in her eyes and carriage of her body that stands out in photos.

Although, I do think that Nicole is the better model based upon photos and range Laura was my sentimental favorite to win the whole thing. Also beautiful, Laura has this Polyanna like happiness and innocence about her that I envy. Nicole has the red hair but Laura is the Annie who believes that the sun will come out tomorrow. In her own words she is poor, from a small town, and has been told she is stupid yet has gone farther then anyone ever expected her to. It's a great story and it was so sad to watch her burst into tears as Nicole was announced the winner.

What a life changing and wonderful opportunity. Both girls are so lucky and fortunate to have this chance and I think they will both be very successful in their careers.

I have watched every single episode of every single cycle of America's Next Top model and Cycle 13 was no exception. I never grow tired of watching dreams come true and that is exactly what happens on this show. Reality TV has a bad rap for a lot of really good reasons. Some shows on the air are absolutely ridiculous. There are some really bad shows out there that I watch anyways but shows like this are different. Who can really trash talk a show that gives people a chance to have their dream? To me, this is the upside and the true potential of reality TV from American Idol to Project Runway or Top Chef. Sometimes people just need a chance and these shows give it to them.