Memorial Day Weekend

Mj:  Do you want to help me bake the cake? 
CC: Uh...No.  Not really.
Mj:  Why not? 
CC:  Because I don't really like baking.
Mj:  C'mon, I need your help.  It'll be fun.  We can spend time together.  
CC:  You know you don't need my help and I'm right here.  We're already spending time together. 

Samoa Bundt Cake.  A Giant Girl Scout Cookie

So Mj was in one of his baking moods.  This time it was all about the Samoa Bundt Cake and I ended up helping him out.  Sometimes it's really hard for me to say no to him.  He did Batter 2, the icing and everything else.  He put me in charge of Batter 1 but he watched every move I made.  I was a glorified assistant and I just followed his instructions so I absolutely can take no credit for the deliciousness of this cake.  Not only does it look like the Girl Scout cookie it tastes like it too.  Its perfectly moist and the coconut gives it this amazing crunch.   

 

Condensed Milk turned Caramel

We did discover something truly amazing.  Did you know that when boiled condensed milk turns into Caramel?  It's like magic.  He put the can in a pot and boiled it for four hours and when he opened it up it had magically transformed into Caramel.  Who knew?  Well if you didn't know now you know.  If you want to make this cake and I think that you do, you can find the Samoa Bundt Cake recipe here.

Our own Bar B Q

  Saturday morning I did an exercise video.  Then, I did a little shopping and we went to a Bar B Q.  Gymnastics was on!  I got to watch the Secret Classic-the official first step to the Olympic Games which is coming up soon.  Sunday morning I woke up and went to the gym and spent most of the rest of the day relaxing.  I love it when I can go to the gym in the morning while I am energetic instead of having to drag myself in after a long day of work.  Monday morning I woke up and went to the gym for another 1 hour sweat session.  Later on, Mj fired up the grill and we enjoyed the sunshine outside and ate sliders, hot dogs and beans while listening to music.  We had time to watch two movies and I squeezed in a load of laundry.  All in all this was a pretty fantastic three day weekend.

My BFF

From the archives:  Oct 2007

I hung out with my best and oldest friend on Wednesday.  I don't mean old as in age but oldest as in I've known her since 8th grade.  We did gymnastics and cheer leading in high school together.  We were neighbors and she used to pick me up every day from school our Senior year in high school and we explored the night life of Tijuana together in college.  She's moved away and come back and them moved away again but we have always stayed in touch.  That's not something I can say about too many friends in my life.  She came to visit in 2009 and the last time I saw her was my wedding two years ago in 2010 and even then I didn't really get to see her, see her what with the whirlwind that day was.  

I got off work a little early so I could spend a few extra hours with her.   We met at the mall of course.  Shopping is our thing.  Then we went to dinner and she came over to see our new house, eat some dessert and see Mj.  She actually met him before I did and if it weren't for her we wouldn't have even met.  She gave me the best gift ever the day she met him while they were both in Arizona and told him "Hey, you need to meet my friend."  She's that friend that you can meet up with to go shopping at Walmart or invite over to watch old 80's movies in your pajamas.  That friend that you can talk for hours on end with about nothing and have no secrets from.  I've never had very many friends and even of the ones I have had in my life she's the only one who I have that kind of relationship with.  I feel like she's one of my sisters.   Chances are I won't see her for about three more years because now that she's finishing up her Army adventure she's moving to Alaska.  Yep.  Never a dull moment with her.  And wouldn't you know it I forgot to take a picture?  I was so mad when I realized that.  It was a really nice visit and it was so good to see her.  It's a bummer that we don't get to see each other more often but I'm so glad to have a friend like her in my life. 

New Car

Audi A4

We have a new car in the family.  Not mine of course.  I'm sticking with my fully paid for no nonsense 07 Honda Civic.  Mj has been enjoying no car payments for the last two years but it was finally time to take the leap and trade in his eight year old Murano.  There are SUV's with way worse gas mileage; it actually wasn't all that bad but the new car has even better gas mileage and that's mainly what he was after.   Why do you have to get such an expensive car? I asked.  Don't you like anything else?  His answer was no.  Well, then he's gonna have to pay for it.  My stomach dropped  when I found out what his car payment would be.  I told him he better pay off this car and then drive it until the wheels fall off, put them back on and then drive it some more.  The car doesn't even have an actual key.  It's this square thing that you sort of plug in.  And you better not lose them.  A replacement is about $400 bucks.  Audi's retain their value and may even appreciate which is something you don't find on too many cars.  He would have been fine with a pre-owned one but it's impossible to find a 1-2 year old used Audi.  They just don't exist.  I guess nobody ever sells them that soon.  It's his first new car and he loves it so I'm happy for him.

I didn't even know for sure if he was going to buy it on Thursday.  He sure didn't take me along.  He took his friend who knows how to negotiate and got a good deal.  The car came from a different dealership so I did get to go with him to pick it up on Saturday morning.  I definitely don't ever need a car like that because I probably couldn't ever figure out how to use it.  You can actually talk to this car and it talks back.  I was so confused listening to the salesman go over all of the features with him that I just started tuning it out.  I will probably never drive it anyways.  I'm too scared.

Award winner

  No, Mj doesn't just run around town in Army fatigues for the hell of it.  Right after that we had to go to an award ceremony so that he could receive a military award.  He's switched over to a new unit and his old unit awarded him a medal for his service with them.  He has a Raspberry beret (yes, like the one in the Prince song) that goes with it but I didn't get a pic of him in it.  I love a man in a uniform and I am very proud of him.

May Days

Birthday season officially starts for our family in March with my Mom's Birthday.  April is my Dad's Birthday (along with mine) then it really picks up in May with Mj's Birthday, my sister's Birthday and Mother's Day all within a week of each other.  I'm usually on a shopping frenzy in April for myself and then my car registration is due in May so it's usually a pretty heavy load on the budget. It's basically like Christmas in May.

Red Velvet, Lemon and Chocolate w/Chocolate Chips

Mj's B Day was 2 weeks ago on May 2nd and he didn't want for much.  He never does.  Last year I pushed it because it was a milestone birthday but this year I let him be.  It was a Wednesday, he had tons of homework to do and he had a Vegas trip with his buddies that coming weekend.  His actual birthday was pretty much business as usual.  Work and the gym.  I came home and gave him his presents and we ate Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches for dinner.  He didn't even want me to make him a cake.  Probably because I suck at baking and if there is any good cake to be made he's better off doing it himself.  I got him some delicious bundtini's from Nothing Bundt Cakes.  They come in full bundt cake size, medium size bundlets and then the little bundtini's.  They are so moist and delicious.  I ate one even though I wanted more and the remaining five were all his.

The pretty mama's

Sunday we all met up at my sister's house to celebrate her Birthday and Mother's Day.   My sister sort of gets a raw deal in a way because her Birthday is May 9th so it's either on or around Mother's Day and especially now that she is a mother we pretty much have to lump her Birthday into one celebration with Mother's Day on the weekend.  We had a good time.  We went out to an early dinner at a place of her choice to eat then we had cake and ice cream back at her house.  Next up is Father's Day in June then my little sis's Birthday is in August.

Burgers & Beer!!!!

This has absolutely nothing to do with Birthday's or family holidays but last  Friday Mj and I went on another Groupon Burger date.  This time it was La Jolla Brew House.  It's kind of a dive but the staff there is so friendly and have you noticed that some of the best food often comes out of dive's?  We had 1/2 lb Burgers, Fries, Beer and a dessert to split all for $18.  Can't beat that.  Gosh I love Groupon!  That burger was so big I could barely figure out a way to get my mouth around it even after it was cut in half.  It was a perfect way to relax and stuff my face after a long and exhausting work week.

When My Husband is Away

I'm not one of those women who has never spent a night away from her husband.  Mj was gone for eleven months in 2008 (now that was awful) and he did a ton of traveling in 2011.  I actually consider myself lucky if he has to go somewhere and it's for a month or less because it's nothing compared to 11 months.  Back when I still watched it there was a couple on Real Housewives of Orange County who claimed to have never spent a night apart and even refused to go on any overnight trips without the other and I thought that was ridiculous.  If it's a trust issue then that seriously needs to be addressed.  I think that couple is divorced now.  Just because you are married doesn't mean that you should be joined at the hip.  Everyone needs their own space even if it's just spending a day or evening with your friends.  Even if you think you don't chances are that you actually do.  Codependency is not healthy and absence can make the heart grow fonder.  If  it's Europe, Hawaii or something big I want that trip to be with Mj and if he thinks he's going somewhere like that without me he's got another think coming.  He and his friends do long weekend biking or Vegas trips.  I miss him and I might get a little jealous about being left behind, but I think it's great to see him get out and have fun with his friends.  He wants the same thing for me.  In fact he wishes I would! I hardly ever go anywhere overnight and the one time that I did he said how cool it was having the house to himself.  I know he loves me and doesn't want me to go away forever so there is no point getting my feelings hurt about it. 

This time he was gone for a week.  I love him to pieces but there are some perks when he's gone. 

• I get to park in the middle of our two car garage and have plenty of room to get in and out on all sides.  My backing up skills are questionable and having that extra space means I don't have to worry about knocking my side view mirror off or backing over the lawn.
• The house is neat as a pin.  There isn't random stuff laying about everywhere I look.  There are no clothes on the floor, shoes strewn about or dishes piled up in the kitchen to stress me out.    
• I don't have to cook or feel bad about not cooking. I can eat whatever I want for dinner and not have to answer to anyone.  
• I get way more much needed sleep! I've been in bed by 10:00 pm every work night he's been gone because I'm not trying to stay up longer then I should waiting for him to go to bed.
• I'm willing to spend the night at my mom's.  I stayed there Saturday night and got in some good quality family time.  I do go to Mom's house without him but it's really hard for me to stay the night when I know he's at home. 

The downside:

• I have to push the trash bin out onto the street and sometimes water the plants. 
• If there are any technical difficulties with the TV or my computer I'm on my own.   Usually, I just whine to him that my computer or the TV is not doing such and such and then he'll fix it for me.
• If there is a spider I'm forced to kill it myself, trap it under a cup (yes, I really did this one time) or live in fear.  He is the designated spider killer due to phobias which are beyond my control.   
• I don't have my cuddle bear to watch TV with and sleep with.   
• I come home to an empty lonely house and I don't get to see his smiling face at the end of a long and tiring work day.  We don't do much of anything on weeknights but I love it that we are together.
• I MISS HIM!!!!! He energizes me and lifts my spirits.  Life just isn't the same without him around and I'm always glad to have him back.

Just because we enjoy time apart doesn't mean we don't love each other.  I could totally just be saying this because we had no choice in the matter which kind of forced me to get used to the idea of him being gone, but I do think it can be a good thing to have that feeling of missing your partner now and then.  I wouldn't choose it, but it does reinforce just how much I love him and makes me appreciate him that much more when he gets back.

White Skinnies

April was my Birthday month and with it came lots of Birthday coupons from places like The Limited, Express, Macy's, Victoria's Secret, DSW and Anthropology.  Pretty much all my favorite stores.  Along with the Birthday and shopping coupons galore came a sense of entitlement which caused me to spend money.  I tell myself, it's my Birthday, I deserve it.  So yeah, I've been doing a lot of shopping this month...and if I'm being honest it's kinda been more like all year so far.   It's like a disease or temporary insanity.  To my credit I did not use the Anthropology or Victoria's Secret coupon.  I can't and shouldn't use them all but I did quite a bit of damage.   I did the math and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it but I've spent about $650 bucks so far this year but if I didn't have it to spend then I wouldn't have because I don't do credit card debt.  These stores know what they are doing.  What a sucker I am.

One coupon in particular from Macy's had me interested.  $10 off anything...even the designer brands you love.  It's been a while since I bought a pair of designer jeans and I have been wanting a pair of white skinny jeans so I marched over to Impulse "just to look."  Famous last words.  The Joe's Jeans skinnies are $169 freaking dollars.  Why on earth does a pair of jeans have to be so expensive and why on earth would I even consider spending that kind of hard earned money on it?  Because when you put them on they mold to your figure like a glove and look awesome.  That's why.  I also gave Jessica Simpson's white skinnies a chance.  They were $54 but it just wasn't the same.   I shoulda never tried on the Joe's but I did and therefore could not walk out of Macy's without them.  You see, I was MEANT to have them.

Photo Source

A measly $10.00 off is a drop in the bucket but it was better then nothing.  As the saleslady rang up my jeans she says you would probably do much better off with the friends and family 25% off coupon.  A 25% off coupon that can be used on designer duds?  She scans it and the price goes down by $42 and I the jeans only cost $136 with tax.  It's still mind blowing to me that I might say the word ONLY in reference to spending over $100 bucks on a pair of jeans but there it is.  I've spent up to $150 before.  I only spent $18.99 on the tan skinny jeans I bought the month before so I guess it averages out.  That's what I'm telling myself anyways.  I've officially lost my mind but these jeans last forever, look great and they are worth it.  I'm worth it right?  Like I said, I was MEANT to have them.

What is the most you will spend or have spent on a pair of jeans?

Good Old Fashioned Diet & Exercise

Photo Source:  Grosvenor and Smolin; Visualizing Nutrition.  

I'm a big one for TV munching!! Behavior modification is ongoing

Isn't it funny how we know exactly what we should do but often find it so hard to do it? The formula is simple and yet we search for all kinds of gimmicks, extreme diets and other ways to get out of it.  Eat less, exercise more.  Eat anything in moderation.  Do not overindulge in high sugar and high fat foods.   That's it.  That pic is from my Nutrition book but it doesn't take a nutrition class to figure this out.

Mj lost 20 lbs in 90 days on his Beach Body Challenge doing just that.  Plain old fashioned diet and exercise.  The first three months it was mainly about eating healthy, drinking Shakeology for breakfast and doing P90X2.   There were times when he was so exhausted and sore but he kept up with his work out plan.  I felt bad because I didn't really notice the results so much; probably because I see him everyday.  I couldn't figure out where this 20 lbs even came from because I didn't think he needed to lose any weight in the first place.  Then he showed me his before and after pics.  I was shocked!!  How did this happen right before my eyes without me noticing?  Bad wife.  He lost inches all over his body but the most improved area is his chest, stomach and upper body.    He looks great but he wants to keep going.  I thought he'd about lost his mind when he decided to do another cycle for 60 days.  He had a splurge week after his first 90 days but then he started right back in on his regimen.  Now that he's just trying to maintain and continue toning he's started mixing in other exercise with the P90X2.  He is increasing his protein intake and he does allow himself more splurges then before.  I'm so proud of him for sticking to it.  He's busy going to school full time and working but he made time for this and didn't make any excuses.  Loosing weight is hard but he set his mind to it and he did it.  My husband was already hot but now he's even hotter!  Lucky me.

I've been sticking with my work outs too.  I discovered that (surprise surprise) I can actually live without carbs when I experimented with an extreme Low Carb Diet.   It made me more aware of just how much carbs and sugar I typically eat and I've actually cut down on both a lot.  Not that I'm ever gonna give 'em up altogether.  No way.

It's so much easier to work on being fit and healthy when both partners are on board.  There are times when I don't really plan on going to the gym but Mj will get up and go on one of his 8:30am 40 mile bike rides on Saturday or go play basketball Sunday morning.  I'll just be laying there in bed not doing much of anything except feeling like a lazy slug so I think to myself; I might as well go to the gym or do a work out video.  When he's good, he's very good but when he's bad he's very, very bad and he corrupts me with donuts and pizza when I'm trying to be good but for the most part we are both really into eating healthy.  We've been eating chicken breast and veggies for dinner like it's going out of style and we haven't cooked any dinners at home involving pasta all year.  If I constantly had someone waving fast food french fries or cookies in front of my face all the time and laying around on the couch all day it would make it so much harder to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I was so stubborn before.  I refused to work out.  I didn't need to lose weight and I watch what I eat so I felt like I could get away with it but our bodies always need exercise.  Fitting exercise into my life felt impossible and I didn't have the motivation to even try but I'm so glad I changed my ways so we can be fit and healthy together.  It's important that we do it for ourselves AND each other.

Our Fridge is Outta Control

Our refrigerator had gotten out of control.  Mj is basically unstoppable when it comes to the way he throws things back in the fridge without regard to where they came from after he takes them out.  Accordingly, I gave up on asking him to try to put stuff back where he found it.  The freezer is fine because stuff that comes out of there usually stays out.  Turns out there is a reason for putting the cheese, lunch meat and the vegetables back where you found them and it wasn't just me being an OCD naggy wife.  After a while I couldn't find anything.  I'd open the doors to look and then say forget it and just ask Mj if he knew if we had anymore egg beaters or whatever else I was looking for because I'd given up on trying to dig through the mess that had become our fridge.  Nothing seemed to fit and everything was crammed everywhere into every nook and cranny.   

After a good cleaning and organization

I got really annoyed every time I needed to get something and told Mj he needs to organize this fridge.  Not because I didn't want to.  I've done it before...and look how that turned out.  I just thought it might be something that he'd maintain if it was his project and he did it himself.  Well, not surprisingly that didn't happen and I finally had enough.  I got tired of cramming things in, wrenching things out and digging around whenever I needed something.  Our refrigerator is a good size, we don't even have THAT much food and there is no reason that everything shouldn't fit.  I announced that I was fed up and couldn't take it anymore. Not only was this refrigerator getting re organized but it's dirty and it needs a good cleaning.  I took everything out including the one removable shelf and the drawers.  Mj washed those out while I went about scrubbing down the shelves.  One by one I put every single item back and a miracle happened.  Everything fit with room to spare.  We'd only removed a few items and trashed them so basically the same amount of food that was crammed in there before now fit with no problem.

That very night Mj threw an onion in the door after he used it.  "Why did you do that?"  I asked.  "I don't know."  He moved it.  Then, he caught himself as he was about to put the lunch meat in some random place.  Progress.  I'm hoping that actually seeing how non functional our refrigerator had become will get him to see how the simple act of putting stuff back where you got it can make a big difference over the long term.  I can always hope right?

Low Carb Diet Experiment

Pizza is my favorite food in the whole wide world, I'm a calorie tracker, I have a sweet tooth and I rarely taste a bread I don't like.  I watch my calories and fat so as long as I stay where I want there I don't worry about the rest of it so much.  I have pretty much accepted that I am powerless when it comes to carbs. Being a fat and calorie counting carbohydrate junkie is totally at odds with a low carb diet.  Which is why I never ever considered in a million years ever ever trying it.  EVER.  You want me to give up carbs for even one single day?  I simply can't do it.  My daily breakfast alone has about 30 and I like it that way.  I'm very stubborn about what I like to eat and Carbs are in darn near everything so it didn't seem possible.  Mj decided to try the low carb thing last week and at first I didn't even think about it but I changed my mind.  I always wondered what the heck I was supposed to eat on a low carb diet so for three days I found out.

Day 1 Breakfast:  Egg Beaters with Jack Cheese and Bacon (0 carbs)

Day 1 Lunch:  Almonds (6 carbs), Cheese (0)

Day 1 Dinner:  Lo Sodium Ham (1 carb) , lettuce (8), Cabbage (1) and Cheese (0)

What I Ate
When some people think of cutting carbs they think about cutting out bread and pasta.  But on an extreme low carb diet of 50 grams per day you quickly realize that actually won't cut it because just about everything has carbs.   Even a nice low calorie healthy Yoplait yogurt or an Apple might not really be an option because 23 carbs is a lot when you can only have 50 in a day.  Incidentally, that yogurt is more then my double fiber bread which is 19.  Go figure.  For breakfast I did egg beaters or a hard boiled egg.  I microwaved the egg beaters in a mug at work and with a slice of bacon mixed in it was really good.  For the eggs I'd eat one whole hard boiled and only the egg whites of the second to avoid all that cholesterol.  I still wanted my morning coffee and I need my creamer so I had to give up 5 precious carbs for that.  For lunch it was string cheese, almonds or a pickle.  Dinner was lunch meat (ham), cheese and lettuce wraps and roasted cabbage and snack time was more cheese.   And another slice of ham if I felt my stomach grumbling.  It was cool to realize that I really didn't miss the bread all that much when I ate the lettuce wraps.  I never ever thought I'd say that.  We have a bi weekly meeting that we order cookies for and I have never ever NOT eaten one, or two, or three.  But on day two I simply couldn't spend 19 calories on a cookie so as delicious as they looked and smelled I had to pass.  On Day 3 I managed to limit my carbs to just 8 during the work day so I could come home and eat two Carne Asada Tacos from one of our favorite Mexican Food Restaurants. The very thought of those tacos is what literally kept me going all day. 

Day 3 Breakfast:  Hard Boiled Eggs (1 carb)

[Not Pictured because I was so darn hungry I forgot to take a pic]
Day 3 Lunch:  Pickle (2 carbs), string cheese (0)

Day 3 Dinner:  Carne Asada Tacos with Corn Tortilla (46 carbs)

Pros and Cons
The best thing about eating low carbs is that it lowered my Sugar intake.  I just couldn't waste carbs on sweets at 19-20 carbs a pop.   If  I can't eat sweets then I gotta have something and that something was cheese which I love just about as much as I love carbs.  Eating cheese with abandon was the second best part.  The bad part about the diet is that it raised my Calories, Fat, Sodium and Cholesterol intake which is definitely not good for the long term.  Anything high in protein is typically going to be low in carbs so I could eat it but high protein often means high sodium and high cholesterol.  I can't believe how much sodium cheese has.  I kind of did this on the fly but if I'd been more prepared and not too lazy to cook I would have eaten chicken breast to add variety and beef up my skimpy lunches.  It would also keep my sodium intake down because even the low sodium lunch meat is higher then regular meat.  Fiber intake suffers too because you can't eat breads or grains.  On Day 1 I tried to still get my usual 1/2 cup of Fiber 1 cereal in and it used up 25 carbs which didn't seem worth it when I could eat cheese instead for 0 so I ditched it on day 2 and 3. I also missed eating fruit.

Nutrients:  Typical Diet Day
Fat	19g	18%
Saturated Fat	8g
Cholesterol	17mg
Sodium	1064mg
Carbohydrates	172g	72%
Fiber	25g
Sugars	85g
Protein	24g	10%

Nutrients:  Low Carb Diet Day
Fat	72g	58%
Saturated Fat	23g
Cholesterol	120mg
Sodium	2051mg
Carbohydrates	53g	19%
Fiber	8g
Sugars	13g
Protein	65g	23%

This diet had me running to the bathroom all day.  When you restrict your carbs to less then 50 grams your body goes into ketosis when it burns fat for energy instead of carbohydrate reserves.  This produces ketones in the body some of which are eliminated in urine.  I was just fine on Day 1-2 but by the end of the night on day 3 I did have a slight headache.  Even after the tacos I still felt hungry and there just wasn't anything else for me to snack on.  I should have gotten pork rinds.  I love those but never let myself eat them so this would have been my chance; they are 0 carbs.  I lost 3.5 lbs in 3 days.  I did gain back 1 pound of it.  They say you actually lose water weight first so I can only imagine if I'd kept it up.  I'm stubborn and tend to think that calorie count is the end all be all so I guess I really didn't want to believe it but not all calories are created equal.  Duh.  Cutting carbs really does work.  I felt like some kind of science experiment as I read about the side effects I was experiencing and why it was happening.

 Focusing on carbs totally changed what I eat.  I discovered I really like sandwiches with no bread aka lettuce wraps and I'll probably start mixing egg beaters in with my usual morning breakfast.  Turns out that I am not totally powerless when it comes to carbs; it's just so much easier to give in.  I don't see it as a long term lifestyle diet for me.  Fifty is just way to extreme to stick with and I find it way harder to eat low carb then low cal.   I'd probably get better at figuring out what to eat to keep the Fat and Sodium levels down but overall I just think it would be too hard to maintain and keep those numbers low enough to not be bad for my heart.  Plus, I'd be pretty darn miserable.  I could see limiting them to 100 if I've overindulged and want to cut back but 50 may not ever happen again.  It's interesting to see how focusing on a different number dictates a whole different diet. And that's just the thing.  You can't focus on just carbs or just calories and fat because the body actually needs it all.

You Are Enough

I didn't realize how much it would mean or that I even needed to hear it at all until I did.  As I sat in my car outside work and finished listening these powerful words brought tears to my eyes and touched a place deep within my heart.
  
You are beautiful.  You are enough.  The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough.  You are not thin enough.  You are not tan enough.  You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough.  Your teeth are not white enough.  Your legs are not long enough.  Your clothes are not stylish enough.  You are not educated enough.  You don’t have enough experience.  You are not creative enough.

There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.

You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.

You were created for a purpose, exactly so.  You have innate value.  You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored.  There has never been, and there will never be another you.  Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world.  They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.

You are beautiful.  You are valuable.  You are enough.

I'm smiling up at my husband

I know how it feels to be that girl who feels worthless and does not believe she is good enough.  I never believed in myself and felt I had nothing to offer.  I've come such a long way towards accepting and finding the good in myself after spending so many years tearing myself down.  I am not the same person I was in my teens and 20's and that's a good thing. Some measure of peace and acceptance has come with age, life experiences and a wonderful husband and for that I am grateful.  Had I heard these same words back then they would have made me cry but I probably wouldn't have believed them for even a second.  Today they not only made me cry but I actually believe them to be true.  I cried for the sad and depressed teenage girl I used to be but then I smiled at the more confident and happy woman I have become.

This is #10.  You can find the rest of Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls on Kate Connor's blog Lilly Pads.  Thank you Kate for writing this and thank you AJ of from Star 94.1 for seeing the value in this and sharing it on the radio.  I'm sure I'm not the only girl who needed to hear it.  I'm not a teenager anymore but I can still relate.  It applies to women of all ages.

Wine Tasting and a Picnic

Friday I had the day off.  I spent the morning running errands then my big sister and nephew came down and we met some friends for lunch.  We stayed up late watching a movie and had a great time.  I love spending time with her. 

It was so cool to wake up Saturday morning after having such a great day off Friday and still have my whole weekend to look forward to.  Aren't three day weekends the best?  We live just a little over an hour away from wine country but I've never ever been.  For Christmas my mom got Mj and I a Living Social Deal for Wine Tasting at Danza Del Sol Winery so we finally made it up there.  I was so worried about the weather spoiling our outing.  It has been a little chilly and rainy lately but this day could not have been more perfect.  It was a balmy 81 degrees.  The winery grounds were really green and beautiful.  We got a 20 minute tour, six tastings and a bottle of wine of our choice to take home.  They had some really tasty sweet wines.  We also used our 10% off for the day to buy an extra one.  It was fun.  I managed to get a little tipsy off of my tastings so Mj had to drive us to our next stop. 

Turns out that the winery didn't have a grassy area for a picnic so we went to a nearby park called Lake Skinner.  It was so pretty and peaceful out there.   It's been a while since we had a picnic.  We do it pretty simple.  Just wine, cheese, crackers, Olive Bruschetta, Naan Bread, lunch meat and grapes.  We ate and enjoyed the scenery and then fell asleep.  I love a good afternoon nap and one at the park is even better.  I drifted off to sleep with the feel the warm breeze on my face and the sounds of birds and people laughing in the distance.  It was so soothing and relaxing.  We spent three hours there on that blanket under a tree just chillin'.

What a great weekend it was.  Too bad it goes by so fast.  Monday morning will be a rude awakening.

Birthday Spoils

A night out downtown

Basil, Ricotta and Mozzarella Cheese Pizza.  Their Pizza is sooooo good.

Yes, I'm an April Fool's Day Baby.  My Birthday was on Sunday but I actually started celebrating last weekend.  It's a big one.  Why not?  Mj and I met up with a bunch of his friends downtown at a cool loft like urban bar called Basic that basically only serves Pizza and salad.  They provide paper plates to eat it on.  You know, Basic.  But their Pizza is anything but.  Who knew that Mashed Potato Pizza would actually taste good?   We ordered three different kinds and each one was just as tasty as the one before it.  Every time they brought a pie out it was literally gone in minutes because we snatched them up so fast.  Afterward we went dancing downtown where all the hoochie mama's in their tight short dresses made me feel ancient.  I swear, I was never THAT bad!  I personally am too old to freeze my ass off in my cute LBD that I bought a while ago and still haven't had a chance to wear so I stuck with my standard leggings and boots.  We stayed out later then we have in a long time.  We were party animals!  We didn't get home until about 1:30am.

Friday night I met up with a bunch of my girlfriends and one of our favorite happy hour spots.  It's cheap, low key and we all love to go there.  We've been going there for years.  Not much has changed and that's how I like it.   They have free cheese, tortilla chips, veggies, ranch and salsa out back.  What more could I ever want?  I don't even order food when I go there.  I can get a glass of wine for $3.00 and then after that I can get it for $5.00.  It makes for a fun cheap night out.

I got a free ice cream scoop

Saturday afternoon I met up with my mom at a little mall at the half way point between where we live for some mother daughter bonding time.  She took me shopping!  I found two really cute tops and then we stopped for coffee before heading over to Spa Gregorie's.  This place is so nice.  I normally just get my pedicures at the strip mall nail shop down the street.  Those places are mills.  There is no ambiance and they massage your feet for about 2 minutes if you are lucky.  Well, when you go to a spa it's totally different.  My pedicure took one full hour which included a full on foot massage and relaxing music.  It was heaven.  They definitely charge more but like everything else you usually get what you pay for.  Mj (the sweetheart that he is) bought us both Spa Gregorie's Groupon's so we'll definitely be going back.  After that we walked over to a really nice restaurant in that same mall and had a nice dinner at Paradise Grill.  I'm in their Club so I got a free entree coupon for by Birthday.  It was such a nice day out with mom.  Oh my goodness did I ever feel spoiled; and there was more of it to come the next day.

My big sis and her husband

I love their Lasagna!! I've heard it's frozen but I don't care.

My new fav wine

I asked my family to come to us so I wouldn't have to travel anywhere for the day.  I woke up pretty early and did an exercise video.  Then I took a shower and put my robe on and watched some TV.  I got sleepy so then I took a  nap and woke up just in time to get dressed and ready.  It was a perfect relaxing start to my Birthday and then before too long it was time to chow down because I wanted us to do an early dinner.  I haven't been to Olive Garden in forever so that's the spot I chose for my Birthday dinner.  Oh Lasagna Classico how I adore you... it was just as good as I remembered.  I found my new favorite wine too.  It's called Roscato and it's basically the perfect wine for me.  It's sweet, fruity and I had my fill of it because we got a bottle for the table.  We came back to my house and lounged around a bit and then it was time for Cake.  Or should I say Cupcakes.

My nephew couldn't wait to get his hands on 'em

Mom, Dad and Nephew

Mj surprised me by making four different kinds of cupcakes from scratch three of which had Peanut Butter Frosting which he knows is my favorite.  The funny thing is that I didn't even notice that he made them.  He made Cinnamon Pound cake, Peanut Butter & Jelly, Chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and Strawberry Jelly cup cakes.  I ate the Peanut Butter Cup and it was so delicious.  We each brought some to work but still I'll be eating cupcakes for days!!  Then, it was time for presents.  My little sis sent me a pretty necklace with a little wishbone on it.  My older sis got me a Pink water bottle and Pink ear buds for the gym.  Mj got me the perfect pink and black work out bag. It's so cute and stylish.  He knew I didn't want a boxy old gym bag and picked out the perfect one with plenty of extra pockets.  He also got me Under Armour work out gear and pink work out socks.  I go to the gym enough now that people actually by me work out related gifts...and I actually want them!  I was tired as heck after work but actually excited about going so I could show off use my new stuff.

Can you guess what my favorite color is? Right down to the toe nails.

I'm normally not into making much to do about by Birthday.  Half the time I beg Mj not to buy me anything and I'll often look for the cheapest place for dinner so no one has to spend too much money on my account but I must say it was nice to feel totally spoiled.  Overall I'd have to say that the agony of turning 35 was well worth it. 

Now We Need Bar Stools

We got our kitchen counter tops re done and raised our bar area so now we need bar height bar stools.  I love it that Mj cares about the home decor in our house.  The only problem is that he can be really, really picky.  This often makes picking out anything from throw pillows to shelves quite a frustrating experience.  There are times when he will tell me he doesn't like something without explanation.  No he doesn't know why...he just can't put his finger on it.  What am I supposed to do with that?  Especially if it's something I really like and he can't even tell me why he doesn't.  I'll show him item after item and he'll veto every single one.  So imagine my excitement when he tells me that I get to pick out the bar stools all on my own. His only rule is that they not be cheap.  El cheapo used to be my middle name so I know why he felt the need to emphasize this.  I don't want to bring anything home that he hates so as I'm searching I do run stuff across him.  True to his word he is mostly non committal unless he really hates it...which is fine because I don't want him to hate anything in his house.

I get to pick out whatever I want.  This is great.  The only thing is that I have no idea which ones to get!  I started out wanting something bright and modern.  Funky even.  Just because it's a chance to introduce something new into our decor.  Then, I changed my mind and thought that the more traditional chair might work better with what we already have.  Now, I just have no clue.  Red, Brown, wooden, adjustable height?   I read reviews, I browse countless websites and I compare prices.  I stare at our counter and try to envision them there.  I just end up more confused and undecided.  I cannot ask Mj to help me figure it out.  I'm determined to find the perfect ones on my own.

I've got links to ones I like bookmarked all over the place.  Here are a some that I'm considering.  Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Photo Source:  West Elm $338 for 2 (I'd get the Brown)

Photo Source:  Overstock.com  $186.29 set of 2

Photo Source:  morebarstools.com $104.78 each

I'm hoping that I'll have time on Saturday to go to a store that carries nothing but bar stools and that I can make a decision soon.  I'm pretty sure that I'm obsessing way too much over this but it's what I do.  I can't help it.

Dinner and a Casting

Last month one night before bed Mj handed me his i Phone and told me to check something out.  Fresh off the indignation of having Valentine's Day thrust upon him yet again he stumbled upon something called Steak & Knobber day.  If you have a curious mind and wanna google it go ahead; I dare you.   It's basically the little known male version of Valentine's Day except in typical male fashion the expectations are very specific.  It doesn't quite have the er, commercial potential of Valentine's Day so it won't ever be as popular as V Day but I guess I don't blame the guys for wanting "their" day with their little man spin on it since women seem to be the V Day focus.  He didn't ask me if I'd go along with it but I took it as a hint that he bothered to show it to me at all and since he indulges me on V Day I decided to return the favor.  

Mac & Cheese with Crumbled Bacon on top

Like Valentine's Day Steak & Knobber day fell on a not so date night friendly Tuesday so Friday night downtown would have to do.  I gave him five places to choose from and he chose the most expensive one of course.  Greystone The Steakhouse only made the list of options because I managed to turn some airline miles into a $25 restaurant gift card.  He ordered Steak with Crab on top and I ordered a side salad and a side of Macaroni and Cheese.  I have never ordered Mac & Cheese at a restaurant because next to Fettuccine Alfredo which is also on my do not order list I can't think of any other pasta that is more fat and calorie ridden.  I was craving it for some odd reason and they had it so I splurged.  It was so delicious.  It's comfort food after all so it totally eased the discomfort of paying $11 on for a glass of Wine.  Hold up.  Now that I think about it...how is it that my Mac & Cheese was just $1 more and my side salad was actually $1 less then wine? Oh well. 

After dinner we walked about a block to our casting.  I don't model anymore.  Castings and shoots are during the weekday and it was getting too hard to juggle them with work.  I technically do still have an agent and every now and then she'll send me a casting-which I usually can't make.  This time it was a print add for Microsoft.  They were looking for people between the ages of 25-45 and models were encouraged to bring their significant other.  How could I pass up a casting that was happening from 6-10pm down the street from a restaurant we were already planning to go to?  Well, this never happens so obviously I can't.  The timing was just too perfect and the fact that we could do it together was a bonus.  It was a typical casting.  Fill out your information sheet, wait your turn and smile for the camera.  This time they asked us to make a crazy face for the last shot.   Why?  I don't know but it's not even the weirdest thing I've ever been asked to do on a casting.  I thought it was so cute to see him standing there with his number and smiling for the camera.   Awww....his first casting.  It was at this really cool new Gelato Cafe/Bakery/Bar/Restaurant called Cremolose that I'd never even heard of before.  Of course we got some Gelato on the way out and ate it at the bar.

I already explained to him that since I referred him that makes me his manager so if he gets booked for the job I get a 10% cut.   As for the Knobber part of Steak & Knobber Day...well, I'll leave it to you to decide if I delivered on that one.

Pole Dancing 101

My right wrist is killing me and the insides of my upper thighs are chaffed.  Those strippers make it look so easy and sexy but I tell you what; nothing about the way I climbed up that pole and held on for dear life in my Sit position would be considered sexy.   To move to the next level I'd have to learn to hold myself there for at least 30 seconds without using my hands.  You have to press your crotch into the pole, wind your legs around it tight as you can and use your foot to anchor yourself in place.  In level two you learn how to do it upside down and it simply would not do to fall on your  head.  I placed my hands in my lap and tried to ignore the pain in my thighs as I slowly slipped down centimeter by centimeter.  This is Pole Fitness class at Sumara Pole Fitness and Dance Studio.  My arms are tired, my hands hurt, I'm feeling like a clod and I'm barely half way through the 50 minute class.  Oh crap.  What have I gotten myself into.

It looks just like a typical ballet studio except there is no barre and the room is filled with floor to ceiling poles.  In the newbie class we learned how to clean our poles and do three spins.  My favorite was the Fireman.  You always start with your inside leg and you walk North, South and East around your pole and then hook your legs around it and go into a spin.  I was a little tentative but I managed the moves pretty well for my first time.  After the Newbie class I was allowed to take a Level One which is where this whole pole dancing thing got really hard.  I showed up in my short shorts and tank just like I was told.  The pole needs skin to help you stick so yoga pants and sleeves don't cut it.  I used to be a gymnast.  I have a strong core and I have never done girl push ups in my life so I like to think I have a little bit of upper body strength but I just barely managed the Tuck, Pike and Straddle lifts.  Then it was time for spins.  I did really good on the Forward Chair Spin.  My sexy up was a little unsexy but I made it work.  I got the Stag spin down but because you basically spin your way onto the floor my knees took a beating.  The back hook spin was the toughest.  This one requires four steps around the pole and a backwards fall while while hooking the back of your knee around the pole arching your back and then falling into the spin.  I had to wrap my brain around doing it in the other direction when my body was confused about doing it in just the one.  I was the only one in class so it was basically a private lesson which made it even tougher.

This studio does offer a Sexy Silhouettes class with mood lighting where you can learn sexy little routines.  You can wear platforms or bare feet and knee pads are not required but recommended.  The prerequisites for that class are Newbie and Level 1.  The Level 1 through 4 pole fitness classes center around learning skills and technique.  No clear heels or lingerie required.  It's a work out.  Anyone who doesn't believe that pole dancing requires athleticism and strength need only sign up for an introductory pole class and they will probably change their tune.  My stomach started to feel a little upset on the way home.  Spinning around in circles affects me a lot differently then it did when I was a kid.  Pole dancing is so much harder then it looks.  And it's painful. I felt a little beat up after wards.  I could feel callouses forming on my hands right away and the next day my knees and wrists were bruised.  My arms and shoulders were so sore!  Class was on a Tuesday and on Friday I was still feeling it.

Pole dancing has moved way beyond the strip club.  It's a sport  now.  This studio has a Performance Team.  There is an International Pole Dancing Fitness Association and US and World Pole Fitness Championships.  If anyone is curious about what these pole dancers are capable of here is a link to photos of various Pole Dancing spins and skills.  Most of which I could probably never do no matter how hard I tried.  Mj sent me to two classes on a Groupon.  He may have been hoping I'd come back with a sexy routine to do for him at home but I had to take my prerequisites.  So if I do go back I'll try Sexy Silhouettes; and I'll wear knee pads.  

Flaws and All

Four years ago today I stood on the sidewalk outside of the downtown convention center on a cold rainy day huddled under an umbrella.  When the Silver SUV pulled up to the hotel parking lot next door I peered through the rain and paused for a second before dashing over to the car and getting in.  Hello's were exchanged and then we decided where to go for dinner.   Two weeks prior my friend gave him my number and texted me a pic she took with her cell phone so this was not only our first date but our first time ever meeting each other.  Afterward, I was asked how the date went.   I shrugged my shoulders.  It was fun.  I don't know.  He made me laugh and he was cute but I was highly independent and skeptical.  We'll see.  Four years later that man in the silver SUV is my husband and we are settling into married life.  We are adapting to each others quirks.  Learning of our strengths and weaknesses together and as individuals is an ongoing process.  The so called "honeymoon phase" of dating is different then married life.  It's the natural progression of a relationship and I embrace it just as I took delight in those early getting to know you dates.  

Four years later there are moments when I can't believe that he loves me.  I mean, I know he does it's just that some days I don't feel so lovable.  There are days when I come home from work and an exhausting work out at the gym.  I am tired.  The day has been long and I am agitated for no reason at all.  I walk in and see his wonderful face without really seeing it.  I am so caught up in my need to get in the house and begin my nightly ritual that gets me unwound and ready for bed within the next few hours.  I have had zero time to myself all day and with the night half over I know I won't be getting very much before bedtime.  I am distracted and annoyed that there aren't more hours in the day.  My husband asks me if I will cut up the strawberries and I give him the look.  Are you kidding me?  I just got home and I still have yesterday's laundry to fold.  In that moment I don't like myself.  I love my husband more then anything  but I am just too tired and sore to be bothered with Strawberries.  Cooking under the best of circumstances is a chore for me.  Martha Stewart I am not and  I have yet to unlock my Joy of Cooking so if the way to a man's heart is only through his stomach I'm in big trouble.  Sometimes I feel so undeserving.  I am the wicked witch of the west and he has a heart of gold.  I wish that I had the wherewithal to be anything and everything he needs me to be at all times and at the same time I know that it's not possible.  I am hopelessly flawed but I really do want to be better then I am.  He makes me want to be better but that is an ever evolving work in progress and I have to realize that better isn't likely to ever be perfection. I look at him and hope against hope that this wonderful love we have will survive my flaws because to not have him would be worse then anything else I could ever imagine.

At the end of the night when we cuddle together on the couch and watch a bit of TV before bed.  Not only do I see his wonderful face but I feel it resting on my cheek.  I am struck once again by just how lucky I am.  I have this wonderful person by my side.  I don't have to walk through this world alone.  He loves me when I don't even like myself.  He forgives me for my mistakes and has shown me so much love and compassion even when I am critical and selfish.  When I refuse to cut strawberries or I ask him two five times too many to do something. This realization renews my resolve to be better and do better so that I can be the best wife that I can be...flaws and all.

"Flaws and All" by Beyonce 

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.
[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you [3x]

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that's exactly what I mean.
[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that's why I love you [3x]
[Repeat Chorus]