Ugg Anxiety

I have a problem with spending money. It's not what you're probably thinking though. Whereas most people have a problem with spending too much money I have a problem with spending too little. How is that a problem you might wonder. Well, when buying a pair of Ugg boots (that I actually have the money for) causes me to burst into tears unexpectedly while telling Mj about them during our cyber Date....Well, that is when it could be considered a problem.

I'm very organized with my bills. I get paid once a month, pay my bills online once a month, and go to the ATM once a month. I have a set amount of money transferred automatically from my checking to my savings accounts so I don't even have to think about that. A lot of people find the one paycheck a month difficult, but it's no problem at all for me. I know how to make a budget and stick to it.

I was feeling pretty footloose and fancy free when it came to my finances for a change and that felt good. I was looking forward to a few fall clothing purchases I'd been planning on. I happily bought a few shirts and everything was fine until I bought the Ugg boots. Suddenly all of my money anxiety came rushing back to me full force and I began to feel that I shouldn't buy anything at all for myself for the rest of the entire year. What made me think I could buy a pair of $140 Ugg's when I have car registration due ($300!!), an out out state trip planned, a special anniversary outing to plan and Christmas around the corner? It hits me that the only reason I've been feeling ok about money lately is only because I really haven't been spending any. Aside from the necessities like gas and groceries and food out here and there I really haven't spent too much money on myself in a while.

It's not like I buy a lot of things for myself. I don't have the most expensive taste. Well, except for my jeans which I feel are a must after years and years of wearing cheapos!! But, I know when to stop. I have my core set of designer denim that look and feel great so I won't be buying anymore for well...ever. I have one exquisite expensive purse (that I never in a million years would have bought for myself); but that was courtesy of Mj (bless his heart!).

I actually got some off brand cheap Uggs last year and one of the boots actually stretched out around the leg. They didn't even make it one season. I am that person who will take a trip but not want to buy any souvenirs, partake in any activities that cost much money, or even eat at a nice restaurant while I am there. I am usually so thrilled just to be on the darn trip and I feel like I can't spend much more then what it's costing me to travel there. About 3 years ago when money was tighter then ever I actually forgot what it felt like to be in a mall. I stopped going because it was too hard to be there knowing I couldn't buy a single thing and if I needed any clothing item at all for any reason I was only allowed to go to Target, Walmart, or Old Navy. I couldn't even take joy in window shopping. I am okay with buying a top or a pair of shoes here and there but the minute I exceed what is comfortable for me I freak out. Is this what I have to go through every time I want something special just for me that costs more then $100 dollars?

Well, it's pretty ridiculous. I've been saving money since I was 16 years old and I have never had credit card debt beyond what I could reasonably pay off one purchase at a time. I use a credit card for monthly expenses to get a cash back bonus but its within my budget so I can pay it off monthly. I have always done the right thing when it comes to money and finances-it just came naturally to me. So, why can't I indulge every now and then? Part of my rationale for not wanting to is that my fiscal discipline is what got me where I am in the first place and I don't want to mess it up. I am also of the belief that you can't have everything you want. If there is something I want that I don't feel I can reasonably justify on my income then I can't have it. Plain and simple. I may not like it but I can live with it because that's just how it goes. I already feel like I don't save enough although I do what I can, so that reason alone is why I shouldn't be out spending money on expensive items and outings.

I work hard. I save. I am responsible with my money. I know deep down that I deserve the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of my labor every now and then but there is always that voice in my head saying "YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!!!"

So, I am working on allowing myself to live and enjoy things because I do realize that a lifetime of denying myself this and that just because I'm not rich is really not what I want for myself. I will never be a shopaholic. There is only so much money available in my budget for that, but I shouldn't feel bad for using it, within my means. The tears weren't really about the Uggs. I love those cozy boots and I don't regret buying them. What upset me is the anxiety that I so often feel just from buying something that should make me happy.

I still have money coming to me for those two model gigs I did back August. I WILL get those fall items I've been looking forward to and I WILL enjoy it.