Since He's Been Gone

Throw Back Thursday:  Pics from
 Roaring 20's Holiday Party in January

Today is Thursday and not Friday like I wish it was but it's still a GREAT day because I'm finally getting my husband back.  I'm picking him up from the airport after work and I cannot wait to finally see him for real and not via FaceTime. 

Since he's been gone....

I am a major homebody.  I know this about myself but I'm not allowed to be as much of a homebody when MJ is around.  He's just the opposite.  We do things together and because I am in go mode I also do more things with others.  I did a few things but didn't make that much of an effort to get out especially towards the end.  I like being at home.  

Cooking has gone out the window even more so then it normally is.  I don't have to try to cook or feel guilty for not doing it.  I was actually impressed with myself because I did make Chicken Breast for the first three weeks.  It was boring but my grocery list never changed and it was easy.  After that I was over it.  As easy as it is to make chicken breast it's even easier to make Cheese Casadilla's so I've been eating that for the last two weeks.  I spiced it up this week by adding green onions.  I also made beans.  Just plain old fresh beans and I ate that with my casadilla's.  MJ looks down on my dinner.  I know he does.  So you are eating fat and carbs? Well, not exactly.  Cheese has a ton of protein and I weigh it.  1 oz per casadilla keeps the fat count reasonable and I use whole wheat tortillas.  BAM! Healthy cheap easy dinner and no dishes.

I go to bed earlier.  Some weekends I was tired but not really, really tired but I'd just go to bed because I was bored.  I wish that meant I was getting more sleep but lately I'm still waking up super early for no good reason.

My life becomes a lot more predictable and routine.  I eat the same things and do the same things every day.  This is just one reason why MJ is my better half.  He gets me out and about more then I'd be on my own and that's a good thing.

When I'm just there with myself I'm more likely to get productive with extra time.  I rarely clean house on Sunday's.  If it doesn't get done on Saturday it doesn't happen but one Sunday I was just sitting there so I cleaned the microwave and the stove top.  Then I watched some TV.  Then I decided to dust the floating shelves that are a pain in the butt because I have to take everything off and stand up on the counter tops to reach them all.  I usually do my writing in the mornings but there were a few nights that I was just sitting there so I got on my laptop and spent a few hours writing. 

I don't have to clean as often.  Things just don't get as messy when it's just me.  There is also a lot less laundry.

I dominate the Netflix Queue.  I put all my chick flicks and random movies at the top.  I like discovering new movies and sometimes that means no name independent or foreign films.  If there is an actor in it that I like or if the story line looks interesting I'm willing to give it a try.  A lot of them suck but I have found some hidden gems.  MJ is not interested in spending his Saturday night watching a movie that's probably going to suck so when he travels I get as many of those in as I can.
 
Does absence make the heart grow fonder or is it out of sight out of mind?  Our first separation in 2009 was the longest.  We had 7 months apart, 1 week together then 4 more months apart.  Eleven months!  I remember feeling happy but also nervous when it was time for him to come back.  What if he doesn't love me anymore?  What if things aren't the same?  I don't worry about that anymore.  We've done this so many times.  There is always an adjustment period when he leaves and then again when he comes back but in our case absence makes the heart grow fonder.  That's how it should be.

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My Boyfriend's Back

My husband is back! I confess that I may or may not have picked him up from the airport wearing a sheer nighty and a thong.  You know.  Just to spice things up a little.  Just kidding.  Not really.  I'll let you decide.  

There is gonna be a whole lot of shit everywhere now. His words not mine and he has certainly delivered on that.  He has also delivered on being the cutest man ever and even though my undiagnosed OCD is kicking in big time I'm glad to have him home. I kind of feel like my space is being invaded which is totally not true considering we bought this house together and have been living in it together for 3 years.  There is always this weird transition period that occurs whenever he comes home from an extended absence. I'm almost surprised to see him in the house when I walk in the door after work.  His presence has busted me out of my quiet little self contained bubble.  Like, what?  There is someone else in the house?  I have somebody to talk to and cuddle with?  When you are alone you just kind of float about the house without regard to anyone or anything but when you are in a couple there is someone to consider.  There is someone who wants to watch the football game on the big TV downstairs at 5:30pm.  Someone that might wonder where you are if you've gone and disappeared upstairs for a few hours.  There is an adjustment period when he leaves as I get thrown into the solo life AND when he comes back as I get adjusted to WE instead of just ME, ME, ME.  And it's a good adjustment to make.

Amazingly enough, I actually kept him fed for two dinners on the chicken breasts I made the day before he came home.  He took Monday off to recover from his travels and of top priority that day was grocery shopping.  He had the nerve to assume there wasn't much food in the house and well....he was right.  You know how I do.  Then he turned around and made this delicious healthy version of a Philly cheese steak sandwich for dinner on Wednesday.  So good.  He's baaaack!!!  Good lovin', good cooking, and a good man.  What more can I ask for?  Okay, so maybe it would be pretty cool if he could pick some of his clothes off the floor but you know what they say?  Marriage is about compromise.  I'm no walk in the park myself.  We will be having Subway for dinner tonight.  My pick. 

Now that he's back I finally got to watch Breaking Bad.  Now I know what my co workers have been whispering about and if you aren't already watching you should be.  It is CRAY!!!  I pretty much HATE Walter White.  He is cold, evil and power hungry.  The best thing about hating Walter is that I'm not freaking out about whether or not he dies, gets away with it or gets locked up.  I don't care one way or another and it has eased the anxiety that I would have if I actually cared.  The latest episodes have been so dark.  I always feel a little stunned after watching.  We are all caught up and will be able to watch the season finale with everyone else.  I cannot wait. 

Oh California how I love you.  Good old San Diego is hanging onto Summer by it's fingertips and that is just fine by me.  It's still a little chilly in the morning but by the afternoon it's been anywhere between 77-79 which is pretty darn perfect if you asked me.  Fall can take as long as it wants to show up.  There is plenty of time for boots and leggings.

We are already booked for Saturday.  He could not wait.  He literally made these plans while he was still out of the country.  We will be having dinner and maybe a movie at Cinepolis with friends.  I'm happy to be dating my husband again and I anticipate some movie watching and cuddle time on the couch too.

Now I just need this darn work day to be over so I can get on with it.

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Thermostat Wars: Him vs Me

When it gets warmer outside it gets warmer inside and when it gets warmer inside the AC goes on. And when the AC goes on so begins the AC wars. I'm always cold. He's always hot. So you can imagine the kind of battles we have in our household.   When we first moved into our house he thought it was cool to have the thermostat running on low all day long.  I was skeptical (and cold) but I didn't argue.  Some theory about your bill being lower if you just keep it cool so that the system doesn't have to work so hard cooling it down after it gets too warm.  Our electric bill told a different story so we don't do that anymore.  That theory is bunk as far as I'm concerned.

This is what Air Conditioning can do to you

But every year the minute the weather starts warming up his first instinct is to run to the thermostat and crank it down to arctic freeze.  I know it's warmer now, but do we really want our electric bill to double?  He literally wants to freeze me out of  house and home.  I complain and reach for my granny robe even though it's almost Summer and 90 degrees outside.  We take turns turning it up and down on each other.  In my book anything below 74 is ridiculous unless I'm working out and leaving it that low overnight is way too cold AND expensive when a fan can do the job.  Or an open window.  Either way, I often find myself going to bed in a cute nightie and waking up looking like a bag lady as I blindly reach for more clothes to put on throughout the night.  After a year of seasons in our house I figured out in general when it should come on and off and at what temperature.  We aren't always home on weekends so it's set really high or really low depending on the season so it doesn't come on unless we adjust it so it's not running all day in case we forget to turn it off.  He better not mess with my thermostat settings but I can't do anything about him sneaking over there before bed and putting it on whatever he wants to.  

He does the same thing but in reverse when it starts to get cold.  As soon as it starts getting chilly in the house he goes for broke and starts cranking up the heat except this time he's the one complaining about being too cold.   I tell him to put on more clothes.  If you can put on some pants and a robe and not be cold then do that first before costing us money by running over to the thermostat says the bag lady.  I mean, that's what I do.  If I have to be a bag lady then he can be a bag man every now and then.

My dad is the exact same way only 10x worse and he absolutely refuses to listen to reason.  He turns on the heat full blast until the house is a sauna and my mom is always the one who has to turn it off.  What is it with men and their thermostat?  Or is it just that I'm cheap?  Probably a little bit of both.  When I lived alone in my condo I had one of those built in Electric AC Units that sit right below the window.  There were times I'd literally be sitting up in my house sweating because I didn't want to use it.  Mj does not believe in suffering when he doesn't have to so he places comfort over budget every time.  I on the other hand am a glutton for punishment.  If it will save me money I'm willing to suffer a little bit.

The good news is that once we settle into the new climate he tends to back off a little and let my strategically planned thermostat settings do it's thing.  I'm cold, he's hot, I put on more clothes, he has to take some off.  We figure it out.  It's just one more training exercise in compromise.

Linking up with Shanna for Random Wednesday.

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8 Tips For a Happy Marriage

Please read this post because I deleted the entire thing and had to start from scratch!!  I was totally demoralized but determined that this post should be written so I dusted myself off and did it all over again.

Mj and I have been together for five years and we have never had an argument.  I can hardly even believe that myself.  We don't always agree but we come from a similar enough starting point that it just works.  We push and pull each other with just the right amount of force so that it never results in a verbal altercation.  Our biggest issue is that he's on the messy side and I'm a neat freak who sometimes nags.  If that's our biggest problem I figure we are doing something right.  We are far from perfect but these are some things that have been working for us.  There really is no magic secret to a happy marriage.  Everybody is different and carries their own personality, baggage and expectations into a relationship making each one unique.  What works for one couple may not work for another.  There is no one size fits all solution but we can still learn a lot from one another.

Pic from Christmas Day last year // No white Christmas around these parts

First of all, it really helps if you are compatible.  This is not really a tip.  I'm just stating the obvious.  They say opposites attract but if you don't agree on anything in life it will be really hard to make a relationship work.  Perhaps not impossible just a lot harder.  And not that you want to be with a carbon copy of yourself but it helps if you share similar values, morals and beliefs.  It will be that much easier to relate to each other, get along and deal with life.

1.  Never forget why you fell in love with each other in the first place. We get annoyed at each other.  Sometimes our partners drive us nuts.  It's going to happen.  But anything that bothers me about Mj is insignificant compared to the many things about him that I love. If there are more things about your partner that you don't love then things that you do love that's a problem.

2.  Respect each other. You don't always have to like your partner but I think it's really important to respect them as a person.  Respect breeds trust, kindness and empathy for one another.  It sets the tone for how you relate to each other which sets the foundation for how you handle problems and disagreements.   

3.  Communication.  Tell him what's wrong.  Men are not mind readers and we can't expect them to be.  If I'm visibly disgruntled and Mj asks me what's wrong if I don't tell him that's it.  He will not ask again and my pouting goes ignored.  This is actually a good thing because it makes me realize how much time I'm wasting stewing alone in my anger.  Lack of communication is so often the root of arguments.  Typical scenario.  She's mad but won't say why.  He get's annoyed because she's stomping around yet won't say what the problem is.  Now they are both annoyed.  Any little thing can set either one of them off and the next thing you know there is a fight.  It's best to avoid that whole charade altogether.  If I'm just in a mood and there is no reason for me to be grumpy I apologize in advance and tell him it's not him it's me.  I just need to be a brat right now and he lets me be.  And if it is him that's bothering me even though it's hard I need tell him.  Being upset about it but keeping it to yourself accomplishes nothing.  The longer you wait the more the situation festers and then it's even worse down the road. 

4.  Think of yourselves as a team.  Don't keep score and don't play the blame game.  Just because he screws up it certainly doesn't give you a pass to do something wrong out of spite.  Our mama's taught us this one.  Two wrongs don't make a right.   It's also very destructive to keep score and then throw the mistake back in each others faces later.  It only builds resentment over time and creates a you vs him type of dynamic which is terrible for a relationship.  Nobody is perfect.  People make mistakes.   We need to learn to forgive each other and move on.   Together.

5.  Pick your battles because you will never win them all nor should you because a relationship is about compromise.  You will never get him to understand or agree to your point of view on everything and vice versa.  Push for what's important and pull back on the rest.  Ideally, he will do the same thing for you and you can meet each other half way on most things.

6.  Be willing to admit when you are wrong.  Nobody likes a know it all who always has to be right and have the last word.  All it does is build resentment over time.   

7.  Never stop dating.  It's good for you to see each other in something other then hang around the house comfy cotton casuals.  Have fun together!!  Going out and doing fun things together reminds you of when you first started dating which makes you feel all lovey dovey inside which can do wonders for helping to keep the romance alive.  

8.  Give each other space.  Mj and I lived in a 400 square foot studio condo for about 6 months and it was really hard.  We were basically living on top of each other and that makes anything that annoys you about your partner multiply by 10 because it's in your face all the time.  At first I missed being able to see him all the time when we moved into our house but having two living spaces not to mention two sinks has been wonderful.  Sometimes you just need moments to yourself to just BE.  Take moments away from each other.  Do things apart.  Have experiences apart from each other so that you can come together and share what you've been up to.  Miss each other a bit even if it's just for a few hours.  It makes you even that much more appreciative of your time together. 

I am no expert.  Half of the advice I give are things that I'm still working on myself.  This is my 2nd marriage.  I have screwed up in the past and don't know everything but I have learned a lot from my mistakes.  There are many times where I don't feel worthy of this wonderful sexy man that I have managed to snag.  But lucky for me I love him, he loves me and we are both willing to put in the effort it takes to make our relationship work.  It's a work in progress but that's okay as long as we're both committed to working on it.

Linking up with Emily from Newlywed Moments.

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When My Husband is Away

I'm not one of those women who has never spent a night away from her husband.  Mj was gone for eleven months in 2008 (now that was awful) and he did a ton of traveling in 2011.  I actually consider myself lucky if he has to go somewhere and it's for a month or less because it's nothing compared to 11 months.  Back when I still watched it there was a couple on Real Housewives of Orange County who claimed to have never spent a night apart and even refused to go on any overnight trips without the other and I thought that was ridiculous.  If it's a trust issue then that seriously needs to be addressed.  I think that couple is divorced now.  Just because you are married doesn't mean that you should be joined at the hip.  Everyone needs their own space even if it's just spending a day or evening with your friends.  Even if you think you don't chances are that you actually do.  Codependency is not healthy and absence can make the heart grow fonder.  If  it's Europe, Hawaii or something big I want that trip to be with Mj and if he thinks he's going somewhere like that without me he's got another think coming.  He and his friends do long weekend biking or Vegas trips.  I miss him and I might get a little jealous about being left behind, but I think it's great to see him get out and have fun with his friends.  He wants the same thing for me.  In fact he wishes I would! I hardly ever go anywhere overnight and the one time that I did he said how cool it was having the house to himself.  I know he loves me and doesn't want me to go away forever so there is no point getting my feelings hurt about it. 

This time he was gone for a week.  I love him to pieces but there are some perks when he's gone. 

• I get to park in the middle of our two car garage and have plenty of room to get in and out on all sides.  My backing up skills are questionable and having that extra space means I don't have to worry about knocking my side view mirror off or backing over the lawn.
• The house is neat as a pin.  There isn't random stuff laying about everywhere I look.  There are no clothes on the floor, shoes strewn about or dishes piled up in the kitchen to stress me out.    
• I don't have to cook or feel bad about not cooking. I can eat whatever I want for dinner and not have to answer to anyone.  
• I get way more much needed sleep! I've been in bed by 10:00 pm every work night he's been gone because I'm not trying to stay up longer then I should waiting for him to go to bed.
• I'm willing to spend the night at my mom's.  I stayed there Saturday night and got in some good quality family time.  I do go to Mom's house without him but it's really hard for me to stay the night when I know he's at home. 

The downside:

• I have to push the trash bin out onto the street and sometimes water the plants. 
• If there are any technical difficulties with the TV or my computer I'm on my own.   Usually, I just whine to him that my computer or the TV is not doing such and such and then he'll fix it for me.
• If there is a spider I'm forced to kill it myself, trap it under a cup (yes, I really did this one time) or live in fear.  He is the designated spider killer due to phobias which are beyond my control.   
• I don't have my cuddle bear to watch TV with and sleep with.   
• I come home to an empty lonely house and I don't get to see his smiling face at the end of a long and tiring work day.  We don't do much of anything on weeknights but I love it that we are together.
• I MISS HIM!!!!! He energizes me and lifts my spirits.  Life just isn't the same without him around and I'm always glad to have him back.

Just because we enjoy time apart doesn't mean we don't love each other.  I could totally just be saying this because we had no choice in the matter which kind of forced me to get used to the idea of him being gone, but I do think it can be a good thing to have that feeling of missing your partner now and then.  I wouldn't choose it, but it does reinforce just how much I love him and makes me appreciate him that much more when he gets back.

Our Fridge is Outta Control

Our refrigerator had gotten out of control.  Mj is basically unstoppable when it comes to the way he throws things back in the fridge without regard to where they came from after he takes them out.  Accordingly, I gave up on asking him to try to put stuff back where he found it.  The freezer is fine because stuff that comes out of there usually stays out.  Turns out there is a reason for putting the cheese, lunch meat and the vegetables back where you found them and it wasn't just me being an OCD naggy wife.  After a while I couldn't find anything.  I'd open the doors to look and then say forget it and just ask Mj if he knew if we had anymore egg beaters or whatever else I was looking for because I'd given up on trying to dig through the mess that had become our fridge.  Nothing seemed to fit and everything was crammed everywhere into every nook and cranny.   

After a good cleaning and organization

I got really annoyed every time I needed to get something and told Mj he needs to organize this fridge.  Not because I didn't want to.  I've done it before...and look how that turned out.  I just thought it might be something that he'd maintain if it was his project and he did it himself.  Well, not surprisingly that didn't happen and I finally had enough.  I got tired of cramming things in, wrenching things out and digging around whenever I needed something.  Our refrigerator is a good size, we don't even have THAT much food and there is no reason that everything shouldn't fit.  I announced that I was fed up and couldn't take it anymore. Not only was this refrigerator getting re organized but it's dirty and it needs a good cleaning.  I took everything out including the one removable shelf and the drawers.  Mj washed those out while I went about scrubbing down the shelves.  One by one I put every single item back and a miracle happened.  Everything fit with room to spare.  We'd only removed a few items and trashed them so basically the same amount of food that was crammed in there before now fit with no problem.

That very night Mj threw an onion in the door after he used it.  "Why did you do that?"  I asked.  "I don't know."  He moved it.  Then, he caught himself as he was about to put the lunch meat in some random place.  Progress.  I'm hoping that actually seeing how non functional our refrigerator had become will get him to see how the simple act of putting stuff back where you got it can make a big difference over the long term.  I can always hope right?

Flaws and All

Four years ago today I stood on the sidewalk outside of the downtown convention center on a cold rainy day huddled under an umbrella.  When the Silver SUV pulled up to the hotel parking lot next door I peered through the rain and paused for a second before dashing over to the car and getting in.  Hello's were exchanged and then we decided where to go for dinner.   Two weeks prior my friend gave him my number and texted me a pic she took with her cell phone so this was not only our first date but our first time ever meeting each other.  Afterward, I was asked how the date went.   I shrugged my shoulders.  It was fun.  I don't know.  He made me laugh and he was cute but I was highly independent and skeptical.  We'll see.  Four years later that man in the silver SUV is my husband and we are settling into married life.  We are adapting to each others quirks.  Learning of our strengths and weaknesses together and as individuals is an ongoing process.  The so called "honeymoon phase" of dating is different then married life.  It's the natural progression of a relationship and I embrace it just as I took delight in those early getting to know you dates.  

Four years later there are moments when I can't believe that he loves me.  I mean, I know he does it's just that some days I don't feel so lovable.  There are days when I come home from work and an exhausting work out at the gym.  I am tired.  The day has been long and I am agitated for no reason at all.  I walk in and see his wonderful face without really seeing it.  I am so caught up in my need to get in the house and begin my nightly ritual that gets me unwound and ready for bed within the next few hours.  I have had zero time to myself all day and with the night half over I know I won't be getting very much before bedtime.  I am distracted and annoyed that there aren't more hours in the day.  My husband asks me if I will cut up the strawberries and I give him the look.  Are you kidding me?  I just got home and I still have yesterday's laundry to fold.  In that moment I don't like myself.  I love my husband more then anything  but I am just too tired and sore to be bothered with Strawberries.  Cooking under the best of circumstances is a chore for me.  Martha Stewart I am not and  I have yet to unlock my Joy of Cooking so if the way to a man's heart is only through his stomach I'm in big trouble.  Sometimes I feel so undeserving.  I am the wicked witch of the west and he has a heart of gold.  I wish that I had the wherewithal to be anything and everything he needs me to be at all times and at the same time I know that it's not possible.  I am hopelessly flawed but I really do want to be better then I am.  He makes me want to be better but that is an ever evolving work in progress and I have to realize that better isn't likely to ever be perfection. I look at him and hope against hope that this wonderful love we have will survive my flaws because to not have him would be worse then anything else I could ever imagine.

At the end of the night when we cuddle together on the couch and watch a bit of TV before bed.  Not only do I see his wonderful face but I feel it resting on my cheek.  I am struck once again by just how lucky I am.  I have this wonderful person by my side.  I don't have to walk through this world alone.  He loves me when I don't even like myself.  He forgives me for my mistakes and has shown me so much love and compassion even when I am critical and selfish.  When I refuse to cut strawberries or I ask him two five times too many to do something. This realization renews my resolve to be better and do better so that I can be the best wife that I can be...flaws and all.

"Flaws and All" by Beyonce 

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.
[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you [3x]

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that's exactly what I mean.
[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that's why I love you [3x]
[Repeat Chorus]

The Trash Man

My husband is not really into the whole household cleaning and organization thing.  He is amazing in the kitchen and will cook up a great dinner or bake cookies in a heart beat but it can be difficult to get him to straighten up or pick up after himself.  He can be forgetful too.  Sometimes I have to remind him over and over to do certain things before he remembers to do it. 

There is one particular thing however that he does unprompted and without any reminders by me.  Rain or shine like nobodies business he is on it when it comes to taking out the trash.  I have never had to remind him about this chore as long as we have lived together.  In fact, I never even specifically asked him to...he just did...like magic.  When our little recycling trash bin just outside the garage door fills up he dumps it.  Come Monday morning as I lay in bed still hitting snooze I can hear the familiar scraping of him wheeling those trash bins out to the curb before he goes to work.   By the time I roll up to the house later that day after work those bins are back inside the fence next to the house right where they belong.  More often then not he forgets to put a trash bag in the can but bless his heart, he will dump the kitchen trash and will even walk it outside to the trash bins if I pull it out and leave it next to the door.  What is it with men and trash? It's just about the manliest household chore around.  I wish cleaning the bathroom or dusting the blinds were considered manly.  I can hear it now.  No honey, you better not be cleaning the bathroom again.  You know that's my job.  Not likely, but the trash is their domain and you would be hard pressed to find a man who does not believe it is his inherent duty to handle it.  And thank goodness because I have so many other things to do and remind him about so I really appreciate that I don't ever have to haul those stinky heavy trash bins to the curb.

When it comes to trash I can sit back, relax and know that it's being taken care of.  Just as soon as I finish cleaning the house.

....and Everything in it's Place

My poor sweet husband.  He has to put up with me nagging bugging him about all kinds of things. Please don't leave your shoes in the walk way so I don't have to step or trip over them.  Why won't you put anything back where you found it?  Can you please put your stuff away?  Why are your clothes on the floor?  Can you put your dirty clothes in the hamper not on it?  Is there a reason those dishes still sitting there?  You get the point.  I must admit I am not without fault.  My main indiscretions are misplacing the lotion bottle, leaving the pantry door open, not matching the knives into the right slots on the butcher block, squeezing the toothpaste from the middle and .....well that's about it.  Oh, and all that nagging reminding.  So sorry baby (I know he's reading this).   

In his pre wifey days his routine was to throw clothes on the floor, let messes and dishes pile up throughout the week, clean it all up Saturday then start it up all over again.  So, you mean to tell me that your house was a mess about 5 out of 7 days?  That's about 20 days out of a 28 day month.  Totally not acceptable to this lady.  You see, I have an illness.  I'm a neat freak, I have OCD, call it whatever you like but I believe there is a place for everything and everything in it's place.  I didn't have that luxury for a very long time.  I used to have no place for anything and nothing in it's place because I simply didn't have the space.  Now we do.  Why spend thousands of dollars on a closet and not put your stuff in it?  My home is my sanctuary and when my home is mired in the chaos of clutter I cannot be at peace. 

I could blame it on my childhood.  I grew up in a messy house and there was nothing I could do about it.  The minute you straightened anything up it was messy again.  My dad was a walking tornado who wouldn't lift a finger around the house and expected everyone else to clean up after him.  He wouldn't even put his plate in the sink.  I hated it, so excuse me if I'm a little sensitive about this subject.  I just don't want that for my home.  My mom may have been willing to double as a servant but even as a child I vowed I never would.  Thankfully, MJ is not even close to that.  In fact, I'm pretty lucky to have a modern man such as himself who cooks and makes an effort to consider my feelings.  If I make the effort to clean the house I just don't think it's too much to ask to pick up after yourself.  I know it can be a pain in the butt and sometimes life gets busy.  It doesn't even bother me if it's not done right away as long I know you will...someday...in the near future...soon...please.  Believe me, I wish I were not like this and I certainly don't wanna be the house police.  I WANT to happily toss my belongings willy nilly without regard to where they land, ignore crusty dishes stinking in the sink and care not about the ring of dirt accumulating in the toilet.  Sounds kinda nice actually.  We could enjoy a content often dirty clutter filled life together-no nagging involved.  But the laws of nature have ensured that a messy person always marries a neat freak so that is not to be. 

We've been living together for about two years now and he really has made some major improvements.  He no longer stores his jammies on the floor, shoes are getting put away and dishes aren't getting left for days.  It means a lot to know that he is listening and trying.  I've got to give him props for that...and for putting up with me.  Messiness makes me irritable and eventually I must speak up.  If I don't say anything how will he know it bothers me?  It's called communication.  He's sure to let me know if I do something that bugs him too; it just doesn't seem to happen as often.  I can't help it that I need order and that messes put me on edge.  And I suppose he can't help it either.  He literally doesn't see things that are sitting there all messy in plain sight and/or it simply doesn't bother him too much.  I do bite my tongue and I have loosened up some.  It's his house too and there are way more important things to worry about right?  I try to ask nicely and I make sure that I show my appreciation of his efforts to neaten up.  I mean, I don't want him to hate me...or divorce me for that matter.  This is just one of those things that we have to accept about each other and try to compromise on so that we can both be happy together and in our home.  Give and take.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  This part of him tries my patience but does not diminish the many things I love about him in any way.  

Fruit, Meat, Vegetables, Cheese.  Not too complicated.   

We spend all this money on a beautiful refrigerator with a lovely LED light and plenty of space and roomy drawers to organize our food.  Mj never puts anything back in those drawers where he got them from.  I've explained to him where everything goes many times but just as recently as last week he says "Well, I didn't know that the meat goes in that drawer."  So, I labeled them right quick before I left for work in the morning and left it for him to find when he got home.  Now, I'll pose this question to you.  Am I a B-I-T-C-H or just a wife who wants the meat to go in the meat drawer?  Lucky for me my husband has a sense of humor.  He had a good laugh, took this picture and posted it on Facebook.

Maintaining the Magic

On our wedding day

There are so many unhappy marriages in this world.  I don't have statistics but I venture to guess that for every happy and loving marriage there are at least five pairs of miserable dysfunctional marriages that are on the verge of collapse or already have.  I should know.  I used to be in one of them.  I am glad to say that my newly minted marriage is alive and well.  We love and respect each other.  The lines of communication are open and we have fun.  But for everyone of those marriages that are falling apart many of them started out just like us.  Happy, loving, affectionate.  Madly in love.  It is a huge reminder to me that although I know that Mj is the right person for me we are not just going to magically stay as in love as we are now forever without effort.  I think it's so important to put forth the effort and be conscious of that now when things are good to avoid having to try to do it later in a relationship that has been allowed to unravel into disrepair.

Dating Mj was such fun.  Our first date was dinner and even though it was also my first time meeting him I felt comfortable right away.  He planned our second one which was an all day date that included lunch, go cart racing and kite flying.  After the third date I was hooked.  I fed off of his energy and he showered me with gifts, love and all kinds of fun outings.  Learning new things about each other all the time was thrilling especially because the more I found out the more perfect he seemed for me.  Every time we were together was like a new adventure.  Issues and problems that we'd had with previous partners were a thing of the past.  Everything was different now that we'd found each other and it felt wonderful.  Every kiss, every touch, every time I got to see him was magic.

That was 3 1/2 years ago and we are 1 year into marriage.  We are no longer in that euphoric exciting fun filled newly dating and falling in love phase anymore.  That phase only happens when you are newly dating and falling in love and seeing as how we are no longer newly dating and have already fallen in love that phase of our relationships is over.  We still have fun but now our relationship has a whole new dimension to it.  We live together.  We have bills to pay.  I get to wash his dirty gym clothes and he gets to listen to me complain about him not putting his keys and sunglasses in the brown basket.  While we might not know everything there is to know about one another we know quite a bit and so that discovery process has slowed down.  Still, when he kisses me or says "I love you" just because my heart melts.  I'm still excited to see him.  We love spending time together and I love coming home to him every day.  I am as in love with him now as I was in those exhilarating days of dating and I want it to stay that way.

We are newlyweds just beginning our marriage journey.  Those early days of dating are in the past but I don't ever want to loose that wonder and attraction that made us fall in love with each other.  Therein lies the challenge.  We are no longer newly dating and freshly falling in love but we are in love and we need to keep that magic alive. It's so easy to communicate when everything is perfectly uncomplicated but what about when it's not?  The hardest decision we make isn't where we should go for dinner anymore, it's whether or not we should have kids, how much we should put into savings and who gets to clean the bathroom.  Communication is more important now then it ever was and having the courtesy and respect for each other that we started out with will only make it easier to maintain a healthy happy relationship.

The bottom line is that as a couple you should never stop doing the things that made you fall in love in the first place and add in new things that will keep you there.  Continue to be kind to each other.  Listen to each other and have fun together.  Think about the words you said on your wedding day.  Relationships, like people are constantly evolving.  As easy as it is in these early days of our relationship it might get more difficult as the years go on especially if we don't nurture and value what we have.  When I see those happy couples married for 20 + years with gray hair still out there slow dancing, holding hands and going on dates it makes me smile.  I know without a doubt that I want that to be us some day and it's up to us to make sure that it is.

Housekeeping



Tools of the trade

I do the cleaning in our house because unfortunately, it won't clean itself.  I figure since there are already a million other things that I have to nag remind Mj about that neither one of us needs the aggravation of me asking him for the 3rd time when he's going to clean the toilet or vacuum.  I do it myself and it gets done.  He is responsible for trash day, picking up after himself, and keeping his desk and one of the extra rooms he uses tidy.  That seems to be plenty for him to keep up with.  He cooks way more then I ever will do and either one of us starts the laundry when the hamper lid won't close or he runs out of undershirts; whichever comes first.  The kitchen counters, dishes, stove etc are done throughout the week on an as needed basis by both of us, or just me if I get too annoyed with his habit of letting them pile up and sit.  Can you guess which one of us is the "neat one"? 

When I lived in my studio it took me about an hour tops to clean the entire place from top to bottom.  It was easy and didn't take up too much of my time so I didn't mind it all that much.  Since moving into our house it takes so long that I find myself dreading it more and more.  It's like the gym.  Once I get started I'm usually ok, it can be soothing and satisfying and I like the finished results but finding the motivation to get going is tough sometimes.  Cleaning is usually a Saturday morning affair so I can get it out of the way and have the rest of my weekend to relax and have fun.  If I didn't get to the laundry that's no big deal to leave for Sunday, as long as the cleaning is done.  I like everything to be clean at the same time AND I'd rather not be cleaning something every day so I do it all at once every other weekend.  Unless I'm feeling really lazy and/or busy in which case I might put it off one extra week.  Because it takes me so long I decided to track exactly what I was doing and how long I was doing it to figure out if I could trim down the time.  We have 3 bedrooms,  2.5 bathrooms and two living spaces.  These are examples of three different torture cleaning "sessions" and how long it took me.  

54 minutes:  Dusting blinds and all surfaces 
25 minutes:  Vacuum carpets/Floors
50 minutes:  Clean Bathrooms
35 minutes:  Swiffer all floors
2 hours 44 Minutes

1 hr 10 min: Dusting all surfaces, blinds and window sills
45 min: Vacuum carpets and floors
46 min: Clean Bathrooms
6 min: Trash
2 hrs 46 min

43 min:  Dust all surfaces
33 min:  Vacuum carpets and floors
45 min:  Clean bathrooms
5 min:  Trash
2 hr 6 min

The 1/2 bath and the extra full bathroom don't get much use so those are pretty quick.  I did find that I was wiping down mirrors that didn't need to be wiped and vacuuming and mopping carpets and floors that hardly get used so I have cut back on that.  I dust behind the DVD/Satellite box/Playstation/Xbox hub and other surfaces that aren't quite dusty but it seems to pop up overnight so I think it's just better to stay on top of it.  We don't wear shoes inside so I don't think it necessary to mop every single time.  I also don't do the blinds, window sills and baseboards every time either. 

I woke up to my neighbor blasting Barry Manilow on Saturday morning.  Should I be embarrassed to admit that I really liked a lot of the songs?  Somehow music makes doing anything more tolerable so I got out of bed, blasted some i tunes of my own and started in with the dusting.  2 hours and 6 minutes later I'm finished and I'd hate to see how much longer it would take me if we had a bigger house.  I take pride in keeping a clean and neat house and like it that if someone drops by unexpectedly I won't be embarrassed by the condition of my home.  I really enjoy the finished results of all of my hard work....that is until the Mj storm rolls through and leaves his trail of destruction.  It's actually kind of a work out too.  Either that or I'm totally out of shape because my body usually feels fatigued by the time I'm done.  The good news is that I have the entire three day weekend ahead to have fun without having to even think about cleaning.  The bad news is that next weekend or the weekend after depending on how lazy busy I am I get to do it all over again.  I noticed that our neighbor behind us (the one who likes Barry Manilow) has a maid and sometimes I really wish we did too.  Maybe someday that would be possible, especially if we ever got a bigger house, but for now I'm it.

How do you divide household chores in your house?  How long does it take you to clean or are you lucky enough to have a cleaning service?  What is your typical cleaning schedule?

Relationship and/or Technology?

-Song Lyrics: 
I Love Technology-Napolean Dynamite

Why do you love me
Why do you need me
Always and forever

We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure, the World Wide Web is great
But you, you make me 'salvivate'

Yes, I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever

Our love is like a flock of doves

Anybody remember, and love Napolean Dynamite as much I did?  A classic!  For some reason when I was writing this post it made me think of that hilarious song he sang to his sweetie LaFawnduh.

Before I had my laptop I spent less time on the net.  I didn't want to be chained to my desk at work then go do the same thing at home.  Now that I have a laptop I can be in the kitchen, on the couch, and anywhere I want to be and still be connected to the Internet.  DVR has made TV time more customizable.  Now I can stockpile a bunch of shows in my play list and pretty much always have something on TV to watch when I want to.  Add to that the fact that now I have a smart phone.  My phone just became a whole lot more interesting to look at and it's literally with me 24/7.  I have apps, e mail and Facebook available to me all the time at home and away from home without even having to open a laptop.

One moment as I stood there in the kitchen watching a DVR'd House Hunters episode, cooking dinner and checking my Facebook news feed while Mj was upstairs playing play station and watching live Baseball streaming from somewhere I don't really understand on his lap top it got me to thinking.  Has technology taken over or should I say taken the place of my relationship?  This is something that I can't help but think about as my stockpile of electronic gadgets has grown and my access to them has increased. 

It's obvious that if there were no TV or Internet our time at home together would look a whole lot different.  Without any distractions all we could do is talk or read.  I don't even know what that would be like.  So clearly technology technically does detract from our interactions but not to it's detriment.   I don't ever feel ignored or disregarded in favor of an i Phone.  Mj enjoys playstation but it's not an obsession.  I've been a victim of that addiction before....and it's not pretty.  I do find that both of us often have our lap tops and/or our phones within reaching distance when we are at home but I don't think it's a bad thing as long as it doesn't become excessive.  When I do feel that I've become too engrossed in blogging or whatever else  I do make the conscious effort to say, "OK, close the lap top and put the phone down."  I really try to be aware of the time I'm spending on technology and not let it become more important then my husband.  We don't have a TV in our bedroom which I think is a good thing.  We always ask each other how was work and how was our day.  I might come home and unwind with my DVR during the busy work week but we usually come together for some cuddle time at some point by the end of the night.  We still talk and enjoy each others company.  We play scrabble, although we do it online!  We play old school Yahtzee.  We watch movies and TV shows together and it's something fun for us to do.  We get out of the house and do things together as well.  While technology time has increased I don't think it's taken away from our relationship in any way.  We still get our quality time in AND we enjoy our outlets that Internet, TV and video games provide.  Like anything else in life it's all about balance.

If I ever felt that I could no longer relate to my spouse, felt a disconnect or became totally annoyed when he needed attention that cut into my technology time there might be a problem.   If I felt that we lived two separate lives at home with each of us entwined in our own respective technologies then it would probably be high time to re evaluate priorities and work on reconnecting.  With us, this has not been an issue.  I don't think you have to choose between the quality of your relationship and technology.  A healthy relationship can balance both.

Relationships are so Hard

I was reading a friend's facebook status.  She posted "Relationships are so hard."   It's almost a no brainer to me as to why.  She sort of signed up for hard.  She is a 20 something who has shouldered the burden of being the main provider for herself and her 40 something year old boyfriend.  Not only can her boyfriend not fully take care of himself he is also unable to take care of his eight year old daughter so guess who supports her too?  Not only that but there is a crazy baby mama in the mix.  Then she tells me that she is actually the instigator in a lot of their fights.  I guess they deserve each other.  No wonder her relationship is hard but it got me thinking....are relationships really that hard?  Is my relationship "hard?"

My two previous relationships were in fact very hard but I have since come to realize the reason for that is because I was with the wrong person.  With both relationships they either started out hard or got there pretty quick which was clearly a sign even though I didn't want to see it.  Thank goodness those days are over.  My relationship with Mj has been smooth sailing from the start.  We met, we clicked and we were together.  No trust issues, no petty arguments and no ridiculous miscommunication blunders.  No drama.  We compliment each other and are on the same page.  When I am in a bad mood and feeling like a total bitch I just tell him not take it out on him.  He let's me get through my "mood" and to this day we have never had an argument.  We also keep the lines of communication open.  Our relationship is still young but the same is true of my friend and her boyfriend.  If you can't manage to get along and find a solid level of bliss early on do you really think it's magically just going to come later?  If it's "hard" now then what will it be in five years?  People who struggle and remain in difficult relationships are mostly kidding themselves.  I know because I did it myself.  If he doesn't call you, if you can't trust him, if you argue a lot for no reason or if every other day feels like a new battle then consider the possibility that this is not the person for you.  Unless some major things change the relationship certainly is not going to improve and if you can see that there are no changes taking place then it's probably best to move on.

Find someone who is right for you and eliminate the struggle.  Someone you don't have to question or wonder about. Someone who doesn't add stress to your life.  Everyone says relationships are hard work and I believe it but am happy to say that thus far mine has not been hard or work at all in any way. Unless you count having to be apart for 11 months which was indeed hard but had nothing to do with flaws in our relationship or how we interact with each other.  That separation presented many challenges but we dealt with them well.  Together.  Given time we may find that things become harder and we have to put in some of that work I keep hearing about to stay strong but I'm really glad to say that at least we didn't have to start out that way.  This reconfirms for me just how right for each other we are.  We have an amazing foundation and when the going gets rough we can draw on that to get through it.  In the meantime I will enjoy my not hard relationship and continue to tell my friend that unless they can change the dynamics of their relationship she needs to move on.  Chances are she will continue to not listen to me and I can only hope that one day she wakes up and realizes it doesn't have to be that way.  Like I did.

This whole weekend has been great.  Fri-Sun we mostly just hung out, watched movies and watched TV together with just a few little errands and outings and some housework thrown in here and there.  Today was yet another example of a wonderful day with hubby.  We were practically attached at the hip all day as we lounged around, cuddled and watched football all day enjoying our last day of the long weekend.  I love being with him.  There is nothing hard about that.

The Name Change Shuffle

I changed my last name at the Social Security office and the DMV and it wasn't until after that I felt an unexpected twinge of loss, sadness even-and I can't quite seem to put my finger on why.   After my first marriage I changed my name and never questioned it at any point.  Maybe it's because I'm older now?  After the divorce I didn't want to go through the trouble of changing it back so I never requested that as part of the divorce decree.  I didn't think it would be a big deal to do it later but was shocked and angry to find out that the court wanted to charge me $300 dollars to change it back!  I didn't want the hassle at first but it wasn't long before I felt sort of icky having the ex's last name.  I needed a fresh start.  Fortunately, they eliminated that fee and I felt such sheer relief at getting my own name back that I hardly minded all the phone calls to switch everything out. Again.  I vowed never to change it again.  It's just too much work and I truly believed I would never marry again anyways.  That icky feeling and need to reclaim my maiden name alone tells me that there's something in a name....even though I don't quite know what that something is.

I didn't consider not changing anything.  We are married now.  I want my name merged with his.  Now, if I didn't like his last name I might feel differently.  I have a Bachelor's degree in my maiden name but I haven't done anything awesome like write a book or win a Pulitzer prize with it, unless you count winning the Sectional gymnastics championships in high school.  Which you don't.  Nor have  I established any kind of "career reputation" with it.  You'd actually have to have a career in order to do that.  I don't feel attached to my maiden name for feminist reasons.  The basically chauvinistic concept that it is women who are expected to change their names and not men is not lost on me but I accept it.  It's certainly not about the principal of it for me.  I considered hyphenating but I couldn't really come up with a real reason why I wanted that other then that I felt it would make the transition easier. If I kept both last names then I could interchange between the two seamlessly as needed.  I started reading up about how the hyphen can be a problem during name searches and how no matter what you need to use only one official name anyways to prevent any issues down the road.  I guess just don't feel adamant enough about retaining my maiden name to go the hyphenated route.

It's hard being two people at once.  I don't know who anyone has me on file as.  I carried both drivers licenses just in case because all my credit cards didn't match the new license yet and they punched a hole through the expiration date on the old one.  The last step was putting in the paperwork at my job-which I still don't think has gone through.  Now that I have officially made the change I am actually three people.  There are certain things that I don't want to bother with and/or don't even know how to go about switching.  What do you do about real estate and property titles?  My condo and timeshare are in my old married name.  My car title is in my maiden name.  I will need to change my passport which will then have a 3rd name amendment added to it.  Unfortunately, I don't have any international trips planned so I suppose I can take my time on that one.

Verbally identifying myself as myself with my new last name still feels strange.  When they called my name at the doctor's office it was almost like they were calling someone else and when I see it in print it almost takes me by surprise for a second.  So what's in a name?  I'm still not sure.  My maiden name is me.  I like it.  It's who I have always been.  It sounds natural to say it and it's what I am used to.  On the other hand, I am honored to take Mj's  last name.  It feels special for us to share that and it's new but I already like it.  I'm sure that I will come to own my new last name and take comfort in it as I do our relationship itself.  The reality is that I don't even  think I want to be the person I was before I met him.  He changed my life for the better and there is no me without him so despite any conflicting feelings and brief sense of identity crisis I might feel as a result I know that it's the right choice for me.

The Saver and The Spender

In every relationship there is usually a spender and a saver. It seems like some force of nature that draws opposites in this category to one another. Each person has their designated role and the silent and sometimes not so silent tug of war ensues as the pair makes their way through a life together where the subject of money is simply impossible to ignore. Just one more thing to keep things interesting and although it can be annoying at times I do think it can be a good thing. Guess which one I am? Yes, the saver.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving we went to a store to catch some of the Black Friday deals but without the massive crowds. Mj picks out a navigation system for his car. Now that I have one in my car of course he wants to be like me. After checking out the cameras and the flat screen TV's he decides on a flat screen as a Christmas present for his mom. The total for both purchases is around $750 and while my eyes are bugging out of my head he barely bats an eye.

The next day while I am at work I get an e mail from him saying that he's decided to keep the TV. What!! I can't understand this because although my TV is very small it is only temporary until we move and he has a large flat screen TV in storage and purchased a projector while he was overseas. Additionally, he has a regular TV in storage as well. Why in the world do we need essentially, 5 TVs between us? What is he going to get his mother now on top of this huge purchase?

I walk in the door after work and find that not only has he decided to keep it but it is already neatly set up and displaying Monday night football. The old TV has been relegated to a sliver of space between the wall and the closet. I look at it and him in stunned silence. I am even more confused when he tells me that he kept the TV because he has decided that he wants to get his mother a camera instead. OK....so why isn't the TV still in the box ready to go back to the store I ask. His reply is basically that instead of taking it all the way back to the store he just decided to keep it. Just for the heck of it.

I cannot comprehend such things. You see, I am a saver. If I have extra money which is rarely these days I prefer to save it rather then indulge it. A penny saved is a penny earned and although I really really wish that some day I could walk outside and pluck a dollar off of my own personal money tree I know that is never going to happen. My last major purchases came when I moved into my place almost five years ago and was forced to by a new computer when the old one died on me and some other things to get set up in my new place. Oh, and who could forget the Ugg Boot meltdown in October and the dominoe effect of anxiety my car purchase set off last month. I plan and save for my little mini trips here and there and I do buy clothes with coupons here and there when I can. Next year I will likely have to spend a hundred or so on a new cell phone and I don't even want to think about how much my wedding dress is going to cost.

In no uncertain terms I told him this was very upsetting for me considering all of our expenses we have coming up and the fact that he isn't going back to work until mid January. I can't afford to go to Vegas with him and am agonizing over a clothing purchase I made yesterday. I don't even know how I am going to pay for some of my upcoming expenses and he just decides to keep a $400 TV just for the hell of it. "It's not fair," I basically whined. Once I got him to acknowledge my feelings then I pretty much had to get over it. I trust him not to behave recklessly and spend beyond his means and when it comes down to it his means are different then mine. I have to take that into account. The more money you have the more you can spend. Just because my strained budget can't stretch to accommodate certain luxuries doesn't mean that I have to hold him accountable to the same tight standard.


That being said, we are going to sit down come January and work on our finances together. I am good at saving and budgeting and he pretty much buys what he wants. Mostly because he can. He is not out of control but to keep him on track I want to come up with a reasonable budget for him based on his expenses and income. Not mine. It's only fair. As a couple, we need to work together by discussing big purchases-not that I will ever make any!! We also need to settle on a system of savings and managing our joint finances that is comfortable for both of us. We have the joint savings which we do deposit money in and we have a joint checking account but haven't really done too much with it. I think it's always best for partners to still have their own individual accounts too.

When you think about it two savers together would have NO fun. Life would be filled with cheap low budget trips and stress over every penny. Two spenders together would find themselves in a world of financial trouble highlighted by way too many things and a life that depends solely on credit cards and debt. Don't get me wrong. If you make a lot of money by all means spend it. It's the spending AT OR BELOW YOUR MEANS part and putting money aside into savings that is key. Whatever those means may be and like it or not, that determines how much you are able to spend. You might be able to spend more if you make more but that also means you should be saving more!! Oh, and having credit cards does not count as having money.

Instead of fighting about these differences we can communicate, take a little from each, balance each other out and hopefully have the best of both worlds. Well, that's the plan anyways.

*Frugalista Money Tip: Spend at or below your means and save at or above your means*