We Don't Want Kids

One weekend stands out in my head for the crystal clear lens through which it showed me how different we are from everyone else.  It started with my high school reunion.  At the first one you are an oddity one step away from cat lady status if you aren't married but at reunion number two you are a freak of nature if you don't have at least one or two kids at home.  I found myself saying we don't have kids, so we travel a lot.  Repeatedly.  They wanted answers and I didn't want to go into it so that was the easiest thing to say. "No kids?" a former classmate said in confusion.  "Wow. Your life is a fairy tale."  And I guess in a way it sort of is, when you consider how rare the childfree choice is. 

The next day was a pool party and it isn't a party in your thirties without at least one child present.  One baby made an appearance at my high school reunion and at the party all married couples present had kids except us.  The following day we attended our very first pony party.  Things like that happen when all of your friends have kids.  We were the only childfree couple which I would totally expect for a pony party considering the weight limit is 100 lbs, but at least we have the kind of friends where you can always expect adult beverages even when the guest of honor is four.  It was a busy weekend, and I was very tired by the end of it.  I came home and took a long hot uninterrupted shower while my husband retreated to his Xbox.  I had no obligations that needed immediate attention so I fell into an exhausted slumber while I imagined our friends hustling home with kids in tow to the non stop marathon that has become their life.  I'm pretty sure there was no nap or leisurely lounging about the couch in their future.  Every single thing we did that weekend, even the nap was reminder that we are the only ones our age without kids. Not on the planet, although it feels like that sometimes, but at least in our social circle and among those around us.

No kids in your thirties is a fairly unpaved and little trodden path it seems.  In your twenties and early thirties, there are rumblings of three kinds among childfree couples not actively trying to conceive.

A.  We definitely want kids but aren't ready yet.

B.  We aren't sure about kids.  Maybe someday. 

C.  We aren't interested in kids and don't want any.

We are in category C, not interested don't want any group, but it was automatically assumed that we would shift up to category B and then ultimately land on category A at some point.  I mean, everybody does because everybody wants kids right?  And even if you don't, you do it anyway because the maternal instincts are so powerful.  If they don't get you, then eventually you succumb to the pressure of the masses.  It's not uncommon for women in their twenties to still be in their so called "selfish" phase where they are not willing to hand over their life to a child, but as you mature and it becomes the norm among your peers it seems like the natural step.  Even if you were against it, you start to see it as something you want.  If everyone else has abandoned their fears, turned their body into an incubator/food source, totally upended their lives, given up sleep, and freedom to move about the world then made it sound like the best thing in the whole wide world it must be the thing to do.  Preferably, before it gets too late because after you have one, chances are you will spawn another even if you don't know it yet because that's what people do.

You are not alone in your twenties, but the thirties separate the ones who were serious about not having kids from the ones who simply weren't ready.  It's been well over a year since the last hold out in our group had their first and they are already speaking about seconds while the ones who took the plunge years before already have.   Unlike most people we haven't shifted up from category C.  Do you know that some people have told me that they didn't even know it was an option NOT to have kids?  They get this dumbfounded look on their face when I tell them.  "Yes, it's true.  You don't have to have kids.  You can if you want to, but you don't have to.”  Mind blown.  When we say we don't have kids we feel the pink elephant sitting in the corner with large round questioning eyes.  If we don't say it first, they inevitably ask because people are very bold about sticking their noses into the reproductive lives of others.  Also, it's just that much of an oddity to come across a stable married couple of our age who have not gotten around to procreation that even if they had the restraint to refrain from asking a newlywed couple in their twenties they are probably going to ask us. "Why not?"  

From our 2010 wedding

We happily jumped on the home ownership and wedding wagon but the baby train has yet to leave the station and it's kind of a strange place to be right now.  What started with weddings, turned into baby showers, and shifted into birthday parties.  The number of kids at get togethers has multiplied and the dynamic of outings has shifted to accommodate friends with kids.  It used to be that my husband's friends could plan a bike ride or a group dinner with one week notice but the call for social outings are fewer and far between and  group sports have fallen by the wayside.  The social reservoir available to parents juggling life and children seems to have officially run dry.  There is childcare to arrange, time and energy already stretched to the breaking point, and a serious case of chronic sleep deprivation going around.  I'm happy to still have the freedom they don't, but also can't help feeling left out even though it's something that I never wanted in the first place.

I'm not a woman who always wanted a child, but it is really bizarre how you can know one thing and yet your body tells you something entirely different.  The maternal instincts didn't start kicking until my thirties after my nephew was born and after all of my peers had already started doing it. There was a tug of war happening between what I know to be true and instincts beyond my control.  Maternal instincts and the babies of Instagram with their tiny moccasins and gummy grins are an inescapable duo.  Cunning.  Convincing.  Impossible to ignore.  My body ached with the want of it even though it is something I didn't want.  I don't want the physical, emotional and financial strain that goes along with bringing another person into this world and yet maternal instincts threatened to convince me of otherwise.  My mind is objective and calculated but my heart was driven by emotions beyond my control.  I wavered slightly, he did not.  The important thing is that we have always been on the same page regarding this matter, but it should be noted that had he not been so steadfast in his position things could have turned out differently. 

If I see one more bump date, have another baby poop conversation or hear one more person say "it's so worth it," I think I will scream.  Hold on a moment while I stifle that scream with my hands.  Don't worry, it's not you, it's me and it's the same phenomenon that occurs anytime you buck the trend.  I imagine that people who don't believe in home ownership or marriage understand.  Everyone else is on board but you haven't quite bought into the notion that it could make a wonderful difference in your life.  When they say how awesome it is you can't relate and grow tired of feeling the need to defend your choices. The entire world is talking about it, dreaming about it, hoping for it, doing it and you are not.  Having it in your face day in day out starts to feel like a tiresome barrage you can't escape.

I may be tired of hearing it, but I believe you when you say it's worth it.  Once you have a person in front of you that you created it's pretty crappy to say oops we changed our mind it's not working out and we don't like you very much.  There is no going back when it comes to parenthood.  Even parents who feel that way are hard pressed to verbalize such thoughts because this is a helpless little person that you have agreed to take care of for a very long time.  They may drive you crazy with their ability to do nothing but poop, eat, cry, yet control everything and spend all the money, but they need you and you love them fiercely if for no other reason than because they are yours.  As ambivalent as I am I'm quite sure I'd feel the same.  The difference is that I'm not willing to accept the end of life as I know it and the ensuing trials and tribulations in exchange for being the one saying those words.  I'm not a monster.  I am not immune to those adorable baby leg rolls, round tummies and tiny dimpled hands.  Babies are indeed precious.  I adore my nephew.  He is the sweetest thing ever.  His hugs and sweet smiles melt my heart.  I admit, I'm torn between wanting to send him home with mom and wanting him for myself but they don't stay little forever and behind every adorable baby is a mountain of struggles that I don't want to have.

The DINK life suits us well.  Dual income no kids, for those who don't know.  I really enjoy the time that we have to ourselves, the vacations we get to take and a life I don't have to try to split between work, finances, self, spouse and child which seems to be an impossible tug of war that nobody wins. It's startlingly sad how little time working parents get to spend with their children and I barely have enough time and energy for myself let alone a kid who wakes up at the crack of dawn and needs to be entertained all day long.  We get to come and go as we please and our life is our own.  Pregnancy and childbirth sound awful. I'm glad I'll never have to do it. And then there is the money.  Money doesn't buy happiness but you are lying to yourself if you say it can't help.  People with less income have multiple children and I don't believe I can afford one.  They say you never believe you have enough and that you figure it out but I am the stubborn sort.  I don't want to just figure it out.  If I can't do it the way I want to then I don't want to do it all.

I realize that there are things we might miss out on.  I say might because nothing is a given when you have a child.  It is 100% fueled by hope, and just doing your best.  I won't ever know what our child might have looked like, what they would have done with their life or what joys they might have brought to ours.  I won't ever know what it's like for someone to call me mom or experience that parent child bond.  We are a family of two.  We won't have anyone to take care of us when we are old, because you know, having children definitely guarantees that.  

The childfree choice can be a lonely path.  The gap widens between yourself and everyone else. Children present their own set of challenges to relationships but so does not having them.    Our first few years together were a whirlwind with the house hunting, the wedding and everything that goes into early stages of building a life together.  Then it all stopped, and it hit me that this is it.  It is just us and this is how it will be for the foreseeable future. Without bath time, story time and car pools there are no distractions and no kids to shake things up.  Our relationship is what we make it just the two of us, for better or for worse now and ten years from now.  We have to be okay with that.  Part of me wishes I wanted kids just so I can be like everyone else, but I can't do it because everybody else is doing it.  I can't do it because babies are so cute and I certainly can't do it out of fear of future regret that may or may not ever occur.  Some call it selfish.  Some call it lazy.  Others just call it weird.  I call it making a rational, informed, practical decision that is right for us.  We decided the cons outweighed the pros.  We decided we are enough for each other.   

We don't want kids, so we aren't having any.

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Another Baby Shower

Red Carpet Area.  She is clearly preggo but still in fashion.

Over the weekend my mom and I attended my friend's shower.  I actually wore a dress which hardly every happens!  I've known Eb for about four years now and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding.  She is the last person any of us thought would get pregnant next.  She's not really mommy crazy and never has been but she is happy about her little girl that is on the way and her and her hubby are getting ready for the major life change that is to come.  This is seriously one of the nicest baby shower's I've ever been to.  It was at a nice restaurant with a buffet of some very good food.  A pack of diapers got you a VIP party pass and they had a photographer set up in front of the red carpet for pics.  There were a few games, some prizes and really cute party favors.  The cake was Zebra print with Pink trim.

Mommy of honor

She got about a million presents.  Including not one, not two but three car seats!!  Which means there is one for mommy's car, daddy's car and grandma's car.  Eb is such a wonderful genuine person and it's clear just how loved she is by everyone who pitched in to help with her shower and everyone who showed up.  The cup cake centerpieces were adorable.  I think someone at our table thought maybe they were going to take one home but we helped ourselves and they were gone by the end of the party.  I had three but that's OK because they were mini's.  That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.  

Adorable centerpieces.  These are actually tiny frosted cupcakes.

My mom actually ended up staying the night and we had a nice time sitting outside in the backyard by the fire pit and chatting.  This is the year of babies among our circle of friends.  Of Mj's friends there have been three babies born this year already and there is one more due in November.  Everyone keeps asking if we are next and I'm sorry to disappoint but the answer on that one is no.  I won't be having my own baby shower any time soon if ever.  I have a one year old nephew and for us I'm thinking that's plenty.

Babies Are More Then Just A Cute Picture

My nephew DJ gets cuter every day

Looking at those little arms flailing about, that joyful little baby expression and those bright eyes makes my heart melt.  Literally.  It's in a puddle on the floor right now so I don't even know how I am typing this!  If this pic doesn't make you want one of these I don't know what will.  That's just the thing though.  Babies are more then just a cute picture.  I am not a kid person.  Never have been.  I absolutely did NOT expect to be this enamored by my little nephew.  I can't stop talking and thinking about this precious little boy and that kind of scares me.  I don't want children.  At least I don't think I do.  Until I hold him and look at his pictures and feel those maternal instincts tugging at my heart like never before.  Babies are so full of life.  Sometimes a little too much of it at 2:00 am when my sister would kill for another hour of sleep but still.  When you look at their little faces you just see so much hope and possibilities.  They are so innocent and have so much living ahead of them.  It really is a beautiful thing. And as a parent you get to be a part of that.

But they will not always be babies.  They grow into terrible two's and angry adolescents.  I have to wonder.  Do I just want that cute little baby to call my own and not everything else that goes along with it?  There is so much time, energy and money that will go into making that little boy a man.  Is that something I want to take on for myself?  I am determined to think logically here and not be swayed by emotion.  My head says "Hell no I don't want any kids," and my heart says "Yes." But only some of the time.  Having a baby changes EVERYTHING and I'm not so sure that I want everything to change.  I actually kind of like things the way they are.  Mj and I are free to do or not do whatever it is we please.  We can travel or just go to he movies without thinking twice.  The house is quiet and the only person I have to pick up after is him! What effect might it have on our relationship? I think I'm tired when I get home from work now?  Well, the work never ends when you have a little one.  Being a stay at home mom likely would not be an option.  Going back to work would be so hard and of course there are astronomical child care expenses.  Any extra money right can go towards savings, retirement or just ourselves right now but that would not be the case with a child in the mix.  I can't even afford ballet lessons for myself so how am I supposed to feed, clothe, support a child AND pay for their extracurricular activities?  They want and need so much and I would want to give it to them.  Sometimes people jump in without considering these things.  People just assume that having a child is what they are "supposed" to do without really considering the option of doing the cost benefit analysis and simply deciding not to.  That it might not be the right thing for them.   People worry, me included-that a life is incomplete without a child but I don't want to do something just because that's what everybody does and I THINK I might be missing out.  I wish I just KNEW for sure either way what I really wanted.  I'm not getting any younger here.

I need to baby sit this little guy to see what it feels like but even still I will never know the full enormity of what it is to have a child of my own unless I actually had one.  That's the tricky part.  It's natural for any woman to have doubts and fears about having a baby but because I am not a woman who has always wanted to be a mother I have to be very careful here. I have to think with my head and not my emotions.  It can't be a passing fancy or just a moment.  It has to be a desire and a need in order for me to move past those normal doubts.  And then there is Mj of course.  It has to be a joint decision.  He is still at "HELL NO" and despite those maternal feelings I didn't even know I had, most of me is still there too.  So for now the answer to the baby question is still no.  Whether or not that changes remains to be seen and in the meantime I'll just have to direct all of that revved up maternal energy towards my sweet little nephew.  Which won't be too hard-I mean...just look at him!

Let Her Eat Cake

Having a baby is no joke.  You first must host this child inside your body for 9 months and watch your stomach get bigger then you ever thought possible.  Your body goes through all kinds of changes, hormonal and everything else in between, and then you have to either push it out or have it surgically removed.  The miracle of life is beautiful and all but still-I shudder at the thought.  My poor big sis went through a lot to bring her little man into this world.  She had a hard time getting pregnant in the first place, had a miscarriage, then had fibroids removed to try getting pregnant again.  Once she did get pregnant again those fibroids grew right back with a vengeance causing her painful early contractions.  Then on top of that-gestational diabetes.  Not just the kind that requires diet modification.  She had to actually do daily insulin injections.  She LOVES to eat and HATES needles so this was very hard for her.   But she did it so she could have her healthy baby boy.

The Pastry Chef goes to work

Mj volunteered to make her a sweet sugar filled cake after she had the baby.  He doesn't make the kind that comes out of the box.  He makes the whole darn thing from scratch including the frosting.  The last one he made in June was one of the best cakes I've ever had.  He is very serious about his cakes.  He does research to come up with just the right recipe and he wants it to be just right.  Big sis requested double chocolate so he spent Friday evening making it so we could bring it to her on Saturday.  It turned out just lovely!

Double Chocolate Cake 100% from scratch

We drove to mom's house where big sis is staying on Saturday afternoon.  We all oohed and ahhed over this cake and my mom went out to get ice cream and milk to go with it.  The three of us went to a late lunch and when we got back it was CAKE time and this cake did not disappoint.  The bad news is that she might still have diabetes even though it is supposed to go away after mom delivers.  She is waiting on her test results right now.  The good news is this little guy gets cuter by the day.  We do plenty of oohing and aahing over him too.

He is so sweet!  Four weeks old.

DJ hates his pacifier.  He eats and then his eyes get all droopy as he falls asleep.  His yawns are so big and he makes the most adorable funny faces.  Even Mj finally broke down and wanted to hold him.  As cute as he is he is a lot of work but big sis is embracing her new role as a stay at home mom and I know she will be a good one.

New mom and baby.  Two weeks after C section.

As for that cake.  As good as it was I'm glad it's not in our house because I already know I would eat way too much of it.  I already have my birthday cake request in for April and have already decided that I don't care how much of that one I eat.

I'm An Auntie

Two new aunties!  Me and lil' sis

Isn't he just the cutest?  I am in love already! 7lbs 9 oz

Apparently there is nothing predictable about child birth.  Even when you schedule it to be induced.  My sister got to the hospital around 8:30am as she was told.  She didn't get her first round of inducing drugs until sometime after 10:00am and by 11:30pm that night was not dilated at all!  No contractions.  No nothin'.  We were all expecting this thing to get going but it was going very slowly and she was only going to be allowed liquids until after she has the baby.  She was uncomfortable, exhausted, starving and beyond ready to get this boy OUT!!

We left the hospital around 11:30pm when it was clear that nothing was going to happen any time soon.  So we thought.  We went home to get some sleep and about two hours after we went to bed we get a call from her husband that they are doing a C section.  Like NOW!  She had finally dilated to about 1" and was having some contractions after we left.  DJ was showing some signs of distress so without further delay they sent her into surgery.  We tiredly got dressed again and headed back to the hospital to wait.  We got some snacks from the vending machine to keep us occupied then proceeded to fall asleep in our chairs.  They took him out at 2:45 am.  They checked him out and one by one we got to see him.  And he is just precious.  He looks just like his daddy.  My sister is just fine and DJ is healthy and adorable.  It's just amazing.  I'm so happy for them.

We finally got to see our sister around 4:30am.  She was groggy and still high on pain killers.  We went home to get some rest around 6:00 am finally.  Then, went back to the hospital around 3:30pm so we could see him again and finally hold him.  So far he doesn't cry at all and right now he would rather sleep then eat.  I changed his diaper.  The last diaper I changed was probably about 20 years ago when my Lil sis was still a baby.  I left the hospital to go back home around 7:45pm.  I slept a little but my body did not appreciate going to bed at 6 in the morning when the sun is coming up so I was exhausted by the time I climbed into bed.  I took yesterday off but had to be at work at 7:00 am this morning. Thank goodness I am off tomorrow.

My sister gets to go home on Friday.  She slept here and there but she says she really needs about 8 hours of sleep to recover.  I don't think she's going to get it.  She is breast feeding so she has months and months of sleep deprivation ahead of her.  I'm sure it's so worth it to her when she looks at that sweet little face.  It's so great that she will be close enough to benefit from the support of her family.  We can't breast feed but there are plenty of other things we can do to help.

She's Having A Baby Alright

We got some awesome news last week. My sister will not be going to Vegas after all. She will be staying right here in So Cal! The military screwed up and when her hubby went to check in he was told, "You aren't going to Vegas." All of their things had already been shipped out there and now they have to get those back as soon as they figure out where they're going to live. Yes, it kind of threw them for a loop but I am really glad she is going to be so close.

Me and my big sis

Her baby shower was Sunday at my mom's house and it turned out really nice. We spent most of the time outside and basked in the perfect 72 degree weather. She got tons of gifts and hung out with some friends she hasn't seen in a while. My mom invited her friends from work and a few of my friends came. When I got home Mj asked me why I didn't bring him any food and I told him the truth. "We ate it ALL." And we enjoyed every bit.  I can't believe that this tiny little person who can't talk, walk or even sit up needs so many things!!! She's been wanting this for a long time and is so happy and I am happy for her.  And of course my mom is thrilled that one of us is finally going to give her a grandchild.

Presents!!

I think babies are cute and precious and all that good stuff but I am not really a "baby person." They give me a maternal pang when I see them and hold them but for the most part it usually ends right there. I've never wanted to baby sit or had an instinctive desire to be a mother for that matter.  I'm not sure if I'll ever have one of my own, but in about a week I will have a nephew which is totally new to me. I've not had too many babies in my life since my little sis stopped being a baby a long time ago so it will be interesting to see how how that's going to feel.

Next Tuesday is the big day and I'm so glad it's not me giving birth. I'm sort of using my sister as a "test case."   What a difficult pregnancy it's been for her from trying to get pregnant in the first place, to fibroid complications to gestational diabetes.  She is more then READY to get this kid out.  After getting the inside scoop from someone who shares my genes and interacting with a baby so closely related to me, if I find that this whole baby business seems to be way too much then it could really help me make up my mind.   It might make me want to have a baby less then I do right now OR there is that slim possibility that it could have the opposite effect.   In which case I'd then have to convince my husband and that would be even harder then convincing me. 

Babies

The movie Babies will be released in theatres on Mother's Day.  It is a documentary that follows 4 babies from different parts of the world doing what babies do.  Ponijao from Namibia is my favorite.

Creating a human being has got to be an amazing experience.  I mean, to carry a life inside of you that turns into this person that shares the genetic make up of you and your significant other.  This person that relies on you completely and  for which you are solely responsible for.  What an amazing bond a parent must feel for their child as they nurture them and watch them grow into adulthood.  I love the idea of seeing Mj with OUR child and wonder...what would he or she look like?  Having a child really makes you a family.   I don't know if Mj and I are going to have kids or not.  I have been on the fence about babies pretty much my whole life.  I always felt that I could go either way and would most likely lean towards my partner's preference.  Well, as of now my partner is saying NO WAY so unless that changes within the next 3 years or so my mom won't be getting any grand kids from us.  On the one hand I don't want to miss out on something so huge and on the other hand I kind of like my life the way it is.  Parents love to talk about their kids and despite the pain and discomfort of child birth women keep on doing it.  They say it's all worth it.  There has to be something to this whole having kids thing...I just don't yet know if it's for us.

Even though I am not sure how I feel about the day to day responsibility and expense of having a child of my own I can't help but notice just how precious and adorable little ones are.  When I was in the jacuzzi on Sunday there was this adorable little girl still in diapers wearing a yellow and white stripped bathing suit.  I could not stop smiling at her and just wanted to hold her and pinch her round cheeks.  In that moment I felt like I wanted a little person of my own.  And the minute I saw this "Babies" movie trailer I could not stop oohing and aahing over it.  The opening scene is the best. 

Warning:  If you have any untimely baby cravings do not watch this trailer.  It's gonna make you want one NOW and you might find yourself knocked up with child sooner then you planned!!

Baby Maybe

A couple weeks ago I was at a girls get together and my friend brought her one month old baby. It is not often that I am around a newborn so at first I was reluctant to hold her but as the night went on I found that I could not resist. She is absolutely precious. She was wearing tiny silver shoes with a bright pink matching leggings and top outfit. Soft sweet smelling baby skin and baby fine curly hair atop her little head. Tiny hands, tiny feet. Tiny mouth with yeah, you guessed it, tiny little lips. I sat on the couch holding her and just marveling at this tiny little person. I looked into her eyes as she stared back at me and I could only wonder what little baby thoughts might be passing through her mind, and what it might be like to have a little person like that of my own.

Then, she started crying and I had to give her back to mama. I watched as mommy rocked her and tried to sooth her with pacifiers, bottles, and a diaper change. I listened as she described the pain of breast feeding and her so far 22 pound weight loss. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of doing such a thing. Nine months of gestation, gaining massive amounts of weight, labor pains, the whole change in lifestyle. Oh, and let's not even talk about the cost. I am not one of those women who always wanted to be a mom or has this innate love for all things baby and child. Should I take that as a sign? As I get older and older I have started to think that perhaps my life is fine just the way it is. The thought of bringing an innocent child into this increasingly scary world is well...scary. I really don't want to be an "old" mom. Right now 35 is my age maximum although it used to be 30, so a very short window remains in which to make this decision. I am not ready for a baby just yet, but my biological clock is tick tocking away and those maternal instincts keep showing up when I least expect it. I don't want to miss out on the joy that being a mother and having a family can bring but I want to enjoy married life without kids before we take that step. He is kind of on the fence about the whole thing too, so at least we are on the same page. He is younger then me and is even less ready then I am.

I am not sure what it will take to push us to one side or the other, but I suppose only time will tell. It is a HUGE decision and one that we will ultimately make together but until then...that biological clock will just have to keep on ticking.