Baby Maybe

A couple weeks ago I was at a girls get together and my friend brought her one month old baby. It is not often that I am around a newborn so at first I was reluctant to hold her but as the night went on I found that I could not resist. She is absolutely precious. She was wearing tiny silver shoes with a bright pink matching leggings and top outfit. Soft sweet smelling baby skin and baby fine curly hair atop her little head. Tiny hands, tiny feet. Tiny mouth with yeah, you guessed it, tiny little lips. I sat on the couch holding her and just marveling at this tiny little person. I looked into her eyes as she stared back at me and I could only wonder what little baby thoughts might be passing through her mind, and what it might be like to have a little person like that of my own.

Then, she started crying and I had to give her back to mama. I watched as mommy rocked her and tried to sooth her with pacifiers, bottles, and a diaper change. I listened as she described the pain of breast feeding and her so far 22 pound weight loss. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of doing such a thing. Nine months of gestation, gaining massive amounts of weight, labor pains, the whole change in lifestyle. Oh, and let's not even talk about the cost. I am not one of those women who always wanted to be a mom or has this innate love for all things baby and child. Should I take that as a sign? As I get older and older I have started to think that perhaps my life is fine just the way it is. The thought of bringing an innocent child into this increasingly scary world is well...scary. I really don't want to be an "old" mom. Right now 35 is my age maximum although it used to be 30, so a very short window remains in which to make this decision. I am not ready for a baby just yet, but my biological clock is tick tocking away and those maternal instincts keep showing up when I least expect it. I don't want to miss out on the joy that being a mother and having a family can bring but I want to enjoy married life without kids before we take that step. He is kind of on the fence about the whole thing too, so at least we are on the same page. He is younger then me and is even less ready then I am.

I am not sure what it will take to push us to one side or the other, but I suppose only time will tell. It is a HUGE decision and one that we will ultimately make together but until then...that biological clock will just have to keep on ticking.

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