On Breaking Up With the Scale

For a really long time I had a really unhealthy relationship with the scale.  I still do, and for that reason, I had to give it up. 

In Those Jeans

Wow.  This time last year I was just starting my determined quest to lose weight, tone up, and fix my metabolism once and for all.  To those of you just starting out this year.  Keep going.  Don't quit.  You will thank yourself by the time Summer turns into Thanksgiving and you don't have to beat yourself up about extra carbs and a few missed workouts sabotaging your progress.  They won't, because you have already done the work.

I did an 8 week challenge I found on Instagram and the 12 week Bikini Body Guide back to back from January to May.  I continued consistent workouts, but took two months off from a specific program in June and July.  I took a bit of a break in July, due to travel and other things.  I could feel myself losing motivation so I started the 12 week Healthy Body Guide in August and that took me all the way through October.  I had an I have to do this, no excuses mindset that you really need to put up with hard workouts day in and day out on top of work and everything else.  It kept me on schedule.  If I missed a day, I'd have to double up, or I would fall behind.  Skipping even one day, could lead to another, and another so I committed to the process and that was that. I cannot begin to tell you how excited and relieved I was when I did that last total body workout.  It was the end of ten long, hard, awesome, and productive months of 5-6 days a week of intense exercise.  Being on a program is great for motivation and accountability, but I was so tired and so over it, and also pretty proud of myself for sticking with it and accomplishing my goals.  

The year before, I had gone through my closet and weeded out clothes I hoped I might fit into again and others I knew were a lost cause.  So many designer jeans.  Joe's.  Seven's.  Gone.  Never to be worn again.  Expensive jeans were never important to me.  I was fine with Old Navy, Levi's...whatever fit good at a reasonable price, until that one day I went out and bought a pair of Joe's Jeans.  I was hooked.  They felt AMAZING.  I had finally allowed myself to cough up the money for designer jeans and look what happened?  Sadly, I removed them from my closet because I couldn't bear to look at them any more and I told myself I would never buy another pair again.  Ever.  In my mind I didn't deserve them.  I had my chance and I got fat.

December 2011:  Not my lowest weight | December 2016: 18 lbs heavier 

It was so hard to see my body changing in the mirror and have no control over it.  I was aware of the fabric pressing against my thighs making me want to jump out of my skin, and I felt bulk and fat where there used to be bone.  The scale went up, and up and up and then my clothes got too tight.  I still remember that day, summer 2015, when MJ and I were getting ready to spend the day biking downtown.  I went through my drawers, and realized I had no shorts that fit.  I had been hiding under skirts all year, even in the winter.  I had already busted out of all pants, but could still squeeze into shorts.  We had to stop at Kohl's on the way, and there was hardly anything to choose from because summer shorts had already been replaced by Jeans.  I was devastated, miserable, ashamed, and so angry at myself for putting myself in that position in the first place.

By this time last year, I had mourned the loss of my skinny body for almost three years.  I'd gained so much weight and it felt hopeless, but I didn't give up.  I stuck to the plan and  ever so slowly, my body began to respond.  Ever so slowly, I am learning to appreciate the stronger healthier body I have now.

I know I should have been grateful just to have a body that works, but the reality is that I don't think I was ever going to be satisfied with the body I had last year.  I did not recognize the person I saw in the mirror.  It was not my best me, and I knew it.  That body was the aftermath of years and years of disordered eating.  My quest for thin had backfired, leaving me with a decimated metabolism, and insatiable hunger.  I was hungry all the time!  No matter how much I exercised or what I ate, the pounds piled on, and the only way to fix it was to do what I should have been doing all along.  Healthy eating (not minimal eating) and exercise.  It's no secret, but somehow all these years I had no idea that you could actually eat food and lose weight.  That concept did not exist for me and no matter how many times I read it, heard it, and was told it, I refused to believe.  It was my way or the highway, and my way was to eat as little food as possible, do as much exercise as possible, and still be a functioning human being.  It was a big change.  I had to get used to not ignoring hunger cues.  Hunger pangs used to mean I was doing something right, but now they mean it's time to eat.  I had to learn to feed my body what it actually needed.  1/2 cup of fiber one cereal, one string cheese, and a tiny container of yogurt is not lunch and thin deli slices of ham, with 45 calorie slice of reduced fat cheese between two pieces of 50 calorie bread is not dinner.  It's not normal to have a zero calorie day.  Do you know what that is?  It didn't happen all the time, but it is a day where I ate so little food and exercised so much that my net sum calories was zero.  I was trashing my body and it felt good.  I liked it.  Just think about that for a moment.

Oh, the things I had to do to fit into those jeans!

The worst thing about it.  Well, not the worst thing.  The worst thing was being that physically and mentally unwell.  The second worse thing is that I still thought I was fat, and nobody, not my mom, not my husband, could tell me any different.  If you are going to suffer that much you'd think you would at least enjoy being thin right?  But that's not how it works.

I lost about 10 lbs and 5 1/2 inches.  I am fitting into pants and shorts I couldn't get into before, but there are others that I will never get back into.  I cried when I could barely pull them past my thighs, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will not and should not ever be that size again.  It's that simple.  I can't go back.  I have curves.  I have a butt.  I can no longer cut glass with my shoulder bones, and knobby elbows and that's okay.  I still have plenty of days when I miss how I used to look, but overall I'm happy with the progress I made and making peace with how I'm built.  I am sitting at 23lbs above my lowest weight, but thin does not always equal healthy.  I actually think I'm in the best shape of my life right now.  My blood pressure was 97/52 at my last doctor's appointment and my resting heart rate is in the 50's.  Those are the real reasons people should exercise.  Not just for vanity.

It took me a long time to come around, but if this is the body I'm meant to have I think it's time to reconsider those designer jeans.  The "fat jeans" I bought in 2014 are getting too big.  I've worked hard, and the curvy me deserves them even more than the skinny me ever did.  

 
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Why I Couldn't Watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

I knew I was in a good place when Halloween rolled around.  Eating candy didn't make me hate myself.  Finding out that there was going to be pizza served for the office didn't send me into a panic.  This time last year,  and the year before, I was not in a good place.  I was feeling out of control and utterly disgusted with my appearance and it was a daily battle just to exist in my own skin.  I felt trapped.  Hopeless.  I had gone from being the skinny one to hiding under skirts and tunics.  I was in no condition to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion show.

I bought three VS bikinis this year and the majority of my bras and jammies come from there.  I love the brand and I always love the musical guests they choose like Akon, Selena Gomez, and Rhianna.  The Victoria's Secret fashion show is the holy grail of modeling jobs, the super bowl of runway, and viewed by millions.  It is a cohesive blend of performance, fashion, and whimsy, that I have always enjoyed watching except those two years I couldn't do it.

The show has evolved.  Remember when Victoria's Secret models represented the fuller, yet still very slim model figure?  They had boobs and hips. Some of them even had butts.  Some of them still do, but since 2013 high fashion editorial types have joined their ranks. The girls are getting thinner.  Also, the show isn't just about what happens on the stage.  They've taken us backstage, and added behind the scene segments and special clips  featuring the models.  We're so lucky! Once you are in the show, your life changes.  Between the interviews, sexy commercials, backstage access, and casting footage the Victoria's Secret fashion show is basically a one hour long celebration of beautiful genetically gifted women who are paid very well to look good, and travel the world. 

I didn't want to hear them talk about how they don't wake up looking that way.  We work really hard at it, and I don't doubt that they do, but to deny genetics as a major reason they get to do what they do is BS.  No amount of starving, or working out would have ever given me, or most women their barbie doll like proportions.  The average woman is now a size 16.  At my thinnest, when I was working really hard at resisting food, and working off half of what I did put into my mouth, I could still have never been a VS model.  I didn't have the height or the waist to hip ratio, and that was fine.  I took comfort in being skinny, and when that went away it was a serious blow to my confidence.  At least with the catalog you can kid yourself into believing that it's all photo shop and they don't really look like that, but when you see them live in HD the truth is revealed.  They really look like that.  How could I watch those perfect angels glide gleefully down the runway in all of their hard edged, flat ab, thin glory as the entire world watches in adoration?  I couldn't do it.  My precious bones were gone, and to watch the show would have stirred up all kinds of feelings of envy and grief that I couldn't handle.  It's hard to admit, but I simply didn't have the self-esteem to sit through the 2014 Victoria's Secret fashion show and not hate myself and/or dissolve into tears.  It's the same reason I had to unfollow certain Instagram accounts.  The show would have to wait until I felt I could handle it.

The 2014 Victoria's Secret Fashion show sat in my DVR queue until football season 2015.  I was following a meal plan and lifting weights.  I was taking action.  I wouldn't be fat much longer, so I sat down and watched Ariana Grande, Ed Sheeran, Hozier, and Taylor Swift, who could practically be a Victoria's Secret model herself.  I watched the models flirt with the audience as they strutted down the runway.  I was fine, yet four months later when the 2015 show was televised, I couldn't watch.  Things were worse than ever.  The weight continued to pile on, Bikini Body Guide, Whole30, and anything else I tried be damned.  I couldn't punish myself with two Victoria's Secret Shows in the same year, so the 2015 show sat in the DVR.  I told myself I'd watch it when I felt better about myself, and it finally happened.  A year later.

I didn't watch the December 2015 Victoria's Secret fashion show until November of 2016, just before I left for Germany.  It was time.  I was ready.  I was in a good place.  I did Bikini Body Guide, meal prepped and was very consistent with diet and exercise.  I worked super hard to fix my metabolism, lose weight, have a better relationship with food, and accept my changing body.  I was getting ready to go three weeks without exercise or my usual meal planning and I knew I was ready for that too.  It took me a year to watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show, twice, but when the 2016 show rolled around it only took me a few nights.      
 
We're in Paris!  This is where it all happens!  We are so fortunate!  Alessandra, Behati, Lily, Gigi, Kendall.  They flirted their way down the runway on impossibly long legs and tiny waists peppered with abs.  Sure, I sat there marveling at the way their legs barely jiggle when they stomp the runway in stilettos, and how insanely gorgeous they are, but I was unaffected.  The commercials in which every perfect VS Angel body part is featured in a cinematographic work of art did not phase me, and I didn't bat an eye at their yearly segment on what they do to prepare for the show.  Oh really, is that all I have to do?  I still can't figure out how Lady Gaga walks in those ridiculous shoes, but I love it that she stole the show with her confidence and commanding performance. Bruno Mars, is freaking adorable and I looked real hard to to figure out which VS model The Weekend had dated because I heard about a death glare on the radio.  I loved it.

I was able to sit and enjoy the Victoria's Secret Fashion show for what it is.  An gorgeous entertaining spectacle of smoke and mirrors that doesn't have anything to do with me as a person.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

 
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The Thing About Motivation

If you had told me a year ago that I would be doing Bikini Body Guide again I would not believe it.  The workouts are a short and sweet 28 minutes, but the sweat I was drenched in after each work out was anything but.  By week eight I was exercising six times per week.  Three circuits and three days of either steady state or high intensity interval cardio.  I was so tired and so done and so determined that I would never ever do anything like it ever again.  I like the workouts.  I'll incorporate them into my routine, but never will I ever commit to twelve weeks of that kind of suffering again.  That's what I said, but almost a year to the month later and I'm doing it again.  This time it's Bikini Body Guide 2.0 (week 13-24) and the craziest thing is that I'm actually excited about it.  Ask me how I feel in two months though.

I finished Bikini Body Guide (1.0 week 1-12) in June just in time for Maui.  I knew that I had done everything I could have done (except start earlier), and I felt okay but I wasn't satisfied.  Mind you, there is a good chance that I will never be satisfied with my body.  That's just how I am, but I still have hope that some day I will at least feel comfortable in my skin, and I wasn't even close.  Not one to give up, I kept exercising. Not with the vigor and consistency of BBG, but I was still in the game until I wasn't.  It wasn't even the holidays that did me in.  It was frustration with lack of progress and those muffin tops I couldn't seem to get rid of.  I felt like the only person in the world who didn't lose weight on Whole30 or have a magical transformation after BBG.  It was just a lot of things, but ultimately I gave up because for the last two years I'd lost the ability to control my body I so treasured.  I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't, so why bother.  Then the time changed.  The weather got cold, the nights got darker, and I went into hibernation.  It was too dark to walk after work, it was too cold to get out of my pajamas.  My motivation had completely left the building.

I quit exercising altogether in December, but come January I was ready to get back on the wagon.  I signed up for an 8 week exercise challenge on Instagram with @Ashley_Cavitt to keep me accountable and get me motivated.  I had no idea what the workouts would be or what I'd be eating, but I needed to be told what to do.  I had an exercise schedule, macro recommendations, and bi-weekly check-ins.  The rest was up to me.  There were lots of gym days with lifting and cardio.  I had to google almost every exercise before workouts, but I did it.  I figured it out and I pushed myself in the gym and did cardio afterwards when all I wanted to do was get home.  The circuit training exercises, that could be done at home took me anywhere from 40-60 minutes long to finish.  They were longer and harder than the Bikini Body Guide and I didn't think that was even possible.  I did five days a week for eight weeks.  I didn't miss a single work out and there was exactly one cheat meal and a few cheat items.  It was so hard to do it day in and day out when I saw no progress and was hopeless that I would, but that was nothing new.  It hurt my heart to pay good money to get my hair did on a Wednesday and sweat it out on a Thursday, but it had to be done.  I was chronically sore for the first 4 weeks.  I meal prepped.  I hit my macros.  I pushed myself and FINALLY started to feel like I was making progress.  It was not free and I'm 99.9 % sure I didn't win the challenge, but it was time and money well spent.  

Ashley kept saying the body will respond over time.  It is all about consistency and the changes you see physically that don't necessarily show up on the scale.  I'd heard it all before.  Blah, blah, blah in one ear and out the other.  It's always been about the scale for me so I never believed it before and I still didn't until I finally saw and accepted it for myself.  My measurements and body fat went down.  I could see the difference in pictures.  I have gained so much strength that I'm actually worried that my BBG workout schedule won't be challenging enough.  I probably shouldn't say that when I'm only on week one!  In one circuit I whipped out three sets of twenty burpees like it was no big deal and I remember how hard ten was a year ago.  The sad thing is that I think I gave up too soon last year after BBG 1.0.  My measurements went down, then too.  I was shocked, because I was so upset that I had accomplished nothing.  I did a side by side with my progress pics.  I saw the difference but I was impatient and blinded by lack of progress on the scale.  I believed that because I didn't have the kind of drastic transformation in twelve weeks that I see all over Instagram I failed.  If the scale did not drop significantly, I failed.  If I couldn't fit back into my size 25 designer jeans I failed.  It was that black and white for me.  Had I not lost all hope, I would probably be much further along right now, but that's fine because this is the journey that I am on.  It isn't going to be easy for me and I have to learn the hard way.  I used to consider exceeding 800 calories a day failure, so it is going to take me a little while to get where I need to be not just physically, but emotionally as well.

Motivation is one of those things that can't be forced.  Well, it can be but it's really just you forcing yourself and not motivation in the truest sense of the word.  Sometimes we need to be forced, but it is so much better when the drive is already there.  When you are willing to do what it takes and ready to take on the challenge.  I already know there will be plenty of days over the next 12 weeks where I will want to give up, but for now I will ride this wave of motivation as far into the sunset as I can.

I posted my 8 week progress pics on Instagram @MahoganyDrive.  Don't ask me how it's any different, but I'm not not posting them here!

 
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New Year, New Scale

I confess.  I have a scale addiction.  I have only weighed myself every single morning for as long as I can remember.  When I'm on vacation I can't, except that one time I found a scale under the sink at the Bellagio in Las Vegas of all places.  So when I was contacted about receiving a Beets BLU Bluetooth smart scale in exchange for review, my answer was YES.  Does this fit my brand or does it fit my brand?  Not that we don't already have two scales at home or anything.

We each came into the relationship with our own scale.  Mine weighs in half pound increments, but his weighs in increments of .2 so mine was relegated to the extra bathroom.  The Beets BLU Bluetooth Scale does that and a whole lot more.  It measures weight, body fat, muscle mass, water level and bone density percentages.  It also tells you how much of your weight is lean body mass and calculates your BMI.  Like everything else, there's an app for that.  I think it will be good for me to have another number besides weight to track progress.  There is much debate over how accurate these things are, but considering the best and truest way to measure body fat is a DEXA machine or underwater weighing that most people don't have access to I think it can be a helpful tool to establish a baseline if nothing else.  My understand is that a harmless electric current passes through your body to measure resistance.  The greater resistance the greater body fat.  The next best thing after this, is body fat calipers.  That being said, based on past testing I do think the number I'm getting is fairly accurate.

I'm finding that the Smart Scale app needs to be open in order for all the information to transmit.  Once you step on the scale, there is one beep to indicate that weight has been recorded and a second beep to indicate the rest.  The weight comes up faster than any scale I've ever stepped on.  No hesitation at all.  Anyone can step on it at any time for weight.  It shows up on the scale, but the app is required to obtain the rest of the information.  I am secretive about my weight, so I make sure the phone is on vibrate because the app recites all of your stats out loud.  It's especially fun when you don't like what you hear.  The app graphs changes daily, weekly and over a 30 day period and is very easy to download and navigate.  Multiple users can download the app and have individualized information sent to their app. 

I like it.  We both do.  He likes almost anything with Bluetooth and I like that it's sleek and nice to look at.  So now I have this cool little syncing circle going on.  My weight records where I want it to without me having to do anything.  I use Lose it! to track calories and weight.  The scale does not sync with Lose it! but it does sync with the Health App on my iPhone which syncs with just about everything.  The Smart Scale app sends my stats to the Health App which sends it to Lose it!  Simple.  Now if only getting and staying in shape were as easy as that.

I am not one of those "I just go by the way my clothes fit," people but I am thinking I may do an experiment where I weight in daily as usual, but don't look at the information for at least a week.  It would probably be really good for me to see what it's like not to be aware of that number day to day.  I do not necessarily advocate daily weigh-ins.  I know there are other ways to track progress, but I think having an accurate scale is helpful if you are working on weight loss goals.   The extra information the scale provides is a bonus.  It sure can creep up on you the older you get, and even if you aren't trying to loose weight it's a good way to make sure that you are staying on track.  If you are in the market for a scale that measures body fat this is a good one.

Good Old Fashioned Diet & Exercise

Photo Source:  Grosvenor and Smolin; Visualizing Nutrition.  

I'm a big one for TV munching!! Behavior modification is ongoing

Isn't it funny how we know exactly what we should do but often find it so hard to do it? The formula is simple and yet we search for all kinds of gimmicks, extreme diets and other ways to get out of it.  Eat less, exercise more.  Eat anything in moderation.  Do not overindulge in high sugar and high fat foods.   That's it.  That pic is from my Nutrition book but it doesn't take a nutrition class to figure this out.

Mj lost 20 lbs in 90 days on his Beach Body Challenge doing just that.  Plain old fashioned diet and exercise.  The first three months it was mainly about eating healthy, drinking Shakeology for breakfast and doing P90X2.   There were times when he was so exhausted and sore but he kept up with his work out plan.  I felt bad because I didn't really notice the results so much; probably because I see him everyday.  I couldn't figure out where this 20 lbs even came from because I didn't think he needed to lose any weight in the first place.  Then he showed me his before and after pics.  I was shocked!!  How did this happen right before my eyes without me noticing?  Bad wife.  He lost inches all over his body but the most improved area is his chest, stomach and upper body.    He looks great but he wants to keep going.  I thought he'd about lost his mind when he decided to do another cycle for 60 days.  He had a splurge week after his first 90 days but then he started right back in on his regimen.  Now that he's just trying to maintain and continue toning he's started mixing in other exercise with the P90X2.  He is increasing his protein intake and he does allow himself more splurges then before.  I'm so proud of him for sticking to it.  He's busy going to school full time and working but he made time for this and didn't make any excuses.  Loosing weight is hard but he set his mind to it and he did it.  My husband was already hot but now he's even hotter!  Lucky me.

I've been sticking with my work outs too.  I discovered that (surprise surprise) I can actually live without carbs when I experimented with an extreme Low Carb Diet.   It made me more aware of just how much carbs and sugar I typically eat and I've actually cut down on both a lot.  Not that I'm ever gonna give 'em up altogether.  No way.

It's so much easier to work on being fit and healthy when both partners are on board.  There are times when I don't really plan on going to the gym but Mj will get up and go on one of his 8:30am 40 mile bike rides on Saturday or go play basketball Sunday morning.  I'll just be laying there in bed not doing much of anything except feeling like a lazy slug so I think to myself; I might as well go to the gym or do a work out video.  When he's good, he's very good but when he's bad he's very, very bad and he corrupts me with donuts and pizza when I'm trying to be good but for the most part we are both really into eating healthy.  We've been eating chicken breast and veggies for dinner like it's going out of style and we haven't cooked any dinners at home involving pasta all year.  If I constantly had someone waving fast food french fries or cookies in front of my face all the time and laying around on the couch all day it would make it so much harder to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I was so stubborn before.  I refused to work out.  I didn't need to lose weight and I watch what I eat so I felt like I could get away with it but our bodies always need exercise.  Fitting exercise into my life felt impossible and I didn't have the motivation to even try but I'm so glad I changed my ways so we can be fit and healthy together.  It's important that we do it for ourselves AND each other.

What's For Dinner?

98% Fat Free Hebrew National Hot Dogs and Fat Free Pringles
I got fancy with it and toasted the bread in the oven.

The day after hubby's Birthday dinner I flat out told him.  "Don't expect me to eat today."  I pigged out the night before, I'd had a few indulgences over the week leading up to that and our vacation was just around the corner.  I felt like a stuffed pig.  I absolutely was not in the mood to have food pushed on me that day.  As soon as I said it I was totally relieved that I had the day ahead of me to eat what I wanted when I wanted and yes...how little I wanted.  I love food as much as the next person.  Maybe even more!  I am a cheese addict.  I love anything with cheese particularly Casadilla's and Pizza.  I have a major carb addiction too.  I can eat bread like nobody's business.  I have a sweet tooth.  I probably crave candy more now then I ever did as a child and my favorite dessert in the whole wide world is Molten Chocolate Lava cake.  I can and do get my grub on but sometimes I really don't want to.  I am a calorie tracker.  Using my phone app it's like a fun game to me.  I enjoy eating but I also enjoy staying within my calorie budget.  To do this I watch my portions and use a lot of low fat substitutions.  I might eat ice cream every night for dessert but it will be light ice cream and only the 1/2 cup serving size. You can eat anything in moderation.  Mj calls it an obsession with calories and weight.  I call it discipline.  It's how I am and I don't think I can totally change it so my goal is to manage it.  Which I think I've been doing a pretty good job of despite his statement of a month ago that I have gotten too thin.  I beg to differ.  I know I  should be adding fruits and vegetables on the side instead of pretzels but I am making an effort and sometimes I just want to be left alone when it comes to my eating habits.  I'm a snacker, I don't want 3 squares a day and if I eat too much one day I simply don't want much the next.  I'm an adult.  Let me eat what I want. 

Longtime fav:  PBJ.  With a side of pretzels.

Low Sodium Fat Free Ramen [280 cals].  Hot commodity.
You can't find this stuff every where.

Like a lot of women, I have a complicated relationship with food.  I love to eat it but then I bust my calorie budget and I love to hate it even more.  Every time I turn around there is some social event with food or sweet treats floating around the office that interfere with my food plans.  Sure, no one has a gun to my head but it's the only time I allow certain indulgences so I usually can't resist.  I skip my healthy snacks to compensate which I know is not good for me.  Then, I come home to Mj saying, "What are we having for dinner" and the reality of it is that I just don't care.  The structure of Breakfast and Lunch annoys me and Dinner is whatever.  I'm a snacker and I can only squeeze so much into my calorie budget.  I'll get a craving for popcorn and want to eat that instead and call it dinner.  Day to day at home I prefer light and easy meals.  Ones that are prepared in the microwave, can be eaten off of a paper towel or that don't require any heat whatsoever are fine with me.  If I get hungry later I can have a snack.  Can you tell I love my snacks?  Or if it's a "real" meal then I want Salads with chicken or Grilled Chicken Breast with Veggies.  If we grab something out my #1 go to is always Subway or a Chicken & Rice bowl.  I'm down for Pizza but reluctantly because I love it so much but sometimes have a hard time with knowing when to stop.  Well, I know when to stop, I just don't want too!   I prefer to reserve hearty meals for dining out or social gatherings.   

Albertson's Fresh Baked French Bread with Fat Free
Mozzarella Cheese.  Forgot that stuff doesn't melt.

Only $3.50 at the Grocery store.  Prep time: 1 minute. 

 With Mj out of town I've been getting a bit of a break.  I can snack the day away and I've been eating things like Fat Free Ramen, Hot Dogs, Sandwiches and bread for dinner.  Yes, bread.  I see absolutely nothing wrong with this.  Ok, so maybe I do.  Day to day nutritionally  meals snacks like that are not the best but that's what I want.  And trust me when I say my diet has improved from where it was just two years ago.  With Mj around I've had to make some changes.  When I lived alone I never cooked.  I barely even had pots and pans and food was way low on my priority list.   For Mj's sake I have stepped up my cooking game over the last year since we moved into our new house and have even started to enjoy it a little bit but the rigmarole of shopping for and preparing meals is too much for me sometimes.   I only have so many free hours after work and the gym as it is and I don't even want dinner half the time so finding the motivation to cook is hard.   I've fallen off the wagon lately and I need to start up again with that.  He gets home earlier then I do.  He is a great cook AND he loves to do it.  Neither statement particularly applies to me but he cooks for us so I will return the favor even if it's not my favorite thing to do.  He is adventurous whereas I could eat the same thing every day for months on end and be just fine with it.  I like the comfortable routine of predictable meals and it sometimes rattles me if I can't plan ahead.  Mj is a foodie so I really do try to get over myself and my own issues and participate so it is something we can enjoy together. 

I might have the palate of a 10 year old and just want to eat a sandwich every single day but it's not just about me.   It's about cooking a meal and eating it together or roasting S'mores in the back yard.  Indulging in something totally fattening just for the hell of it, experimenting with new recipes or having pancakes for dinner.   It's also about being healthy.  I have to remind myself that that food is HEALTH.  It is not just something to resist or dread.

I'm at The Gym

me approaching those double doors

 I've had quite the love hate relationship with the gym and working out over the last few years.  Mostly hate hate if I'm being honest.  I boycotted the place for close to two years and only worked out sporadically after my work schedule changed from getting off at 3:30pm to getting off at 5:00 pm.  Morning work outs are so never happening for me and I have only so many precious hours each night.  After a hard days work I feel entitled to come straight home and relax.  I never made excuses for myself.  I just knew that when the right combination of cosmic forces came together just so that eventually I'd be back.  I could not force myself to go and that was that.

So where have I found myself twice a week every week for going on 3 months?  The gym!  It is practically a miracle but somehow I found it within myself to start going.  It was a goal of mine for the new year but I actually started taking action in December.  I went once or twice before Christmas.  Then, when I had that long 10 day Winter break from work I went quite a bit.  I was hoping it would kick start me into the habit of going once I went back to work and it did. 

My rigorous exercise regime:

• Two work outs per week minimum at home, the gym, or any other form of exercise of my choosing for a minimum of 30 minutes.  So far, I've mostly been going to the gym and doing the Elliptical but I could do classes or home exercise videos or anything else. 
• Every other week those two work outs need to be 60 minutes minimum and include some hard core cardio.  I usually do 1 hour on the Elliptical where I burn between 500-600 calories but it could be anything else that gets my heart pumping and my body sweating...a lot.
• Thorough stretching at least 1 time per week up to and including the splits.  This could mean doing an exercise video or just making the time to get some stretching in on my own.
• I also throw in a minimum of 100 crunches while I'm watching TV or whenever randomly if I didn't do them at the gym.

That's it.  I am so not hard core.  Some would call my work out schedule pathetic but I don't care.  It's what's working for me right now.  I figure some is better then none and if I push myself more then I want I will grow to hate it and go on strike again.  If I worked part time or not at all I could definitely see myself going a lot more and enjoying it but not with an 8-5pm full time job. 

When I've had a long day at work and didn't get enough sleep the absolute last thing in the world I want to do is drag myself to the gym, change clothes and spend an hour sweating but I've been doing it.  I used to exclusively do the treadmill.  I can't believe how long its taken me to discover the Elliptical.  I can burn more calories on it in a shorter amount of time AND it's still low impact.  I used to only listen to music but right now the only thing getting me through those work outs is TV.  There are tons of flat screens around the gym and mounted on some of the machines.  A couple weeks ago it was Basketball Wives on VH1 and Judge Judy on KUSI.  I watched Hugh Hefner and his new fiance on CNN and there's always Dr Oz or catching up on the local news.  I also downloaded some new uptempo techno work out music.  Whatever gets me through the work out.  On my light days it makes it easier to go knowing that I will be in and out.  I'd like for at least one work out per week to be at the gym to keep me in that habit and so far I have.  I've even exceeded my work out minimums some weeks just because.

And what is my reward for giving up my beloved couch, DVR and pajamas right after work every day?  I feel better about myself and a little bit less like a lazy bum.   I'm getting my long lost flexibility back too.  As a former gymnast it made me feel sad and down right old when my splits started to get too uncomfortable.  I'm back to putting my face to my knee in the splits on both sides.   I love food but have a tendency to under eat so even with just these work outs I've lost weight.  My mom wouldn't be too thrilled but I'm not mad about it.  I weigh less then I did on my wedding day and the only downside is that some of my pants are hanging off of me.  Not a cute look.  It sucks getting myself there sometimes but I really feel great after a work out.  I enjoy feeling fit, toned and active.  It's not just about losing weight.  I'm giving my heart, my bones, my body what it needs and that's a good thing.  If  I was physically unable to exercise I know how upsetting that would be so simply because I CAN is a good enough reason to go.  Getting back in the gym was a long time coming and now that I'm there I need to stay.

McDonald's #2 With Sprite

In my old college days McDonald's was a staple in my weekly diet. That, Domino's Pizza, and Cup O Noodles. A couple years into College and some freshman 15 pounds later it was still one of my favorite's although I would normally limit it to weekends. At some point I stopped eating fast food french fries and hamburgers altogether save for the random few and far between times I might end up having it as a fourth meal with some friends after a night of being out. Nowadays the only thing I order from fast food restaurants is their salads. My diet totally changed to the point where I simply could not bring myself to do it. I went through a phase where I sort of gave up food altogether let alone fast food!

But yesterday Mj had a rare craving for it and since for years and years I've been talking about doing it I decided to join the fun. I used to order a Sprite but I got a Diet Coke this time around. I used to super size it but McDonald's has long since done away with that offering only Medium and Large so I went with the Medium. In the old days they didn't put the calorie info on the package and this time around I was too excited to be eating it to even take a look at it. I mean, I can always look it up online later and c'mon, if I ordered a hamburger and french fries how likely is it that I am concerned about calories and fat at this point anyways? Was it everything I dreamed it would be? YES! It was pretty yummy and it kind of felt good to be THAT bad and THAT indulgent for once. McDonald's after all is sort of the poster child for everything that is wrong with the American diet today and there I was eating it with vigor.

What I was surprised to find is that while enjoyable not only did the meal not really fill me up but that I was actually starving just a couple hours later as if I had eaten nothing at all. Mj had the same problem too. I don't remember that part. Granted, it was my only full meal for the day but still! $6.00 and 980 calories later....why am I still hungry? So, there I am having exceeded my calories and fat content for the day and yet I am hungrier then ever. I ate an apple and some string cheese as a snack but still went to bed hungry.

This morning I felt a little disgusted with myself. I mean, did I really have to go and do that? Nope, I didn't but I think it's a good thing I did.

• #1 I know that I am not missing out on all that much. Sure it was delicious but I really enjoy my healthier choice meals too and feel much better about myself after eating them and usually a lot more fulfilled.
• #2 it is another sign that I am doing well food wise. I used to have lists upon lists of foods that I absolutely could not would not eat. I used to go weeks without eating any actual solid meals. To go from that to being able to order a meal from McDonald's is actually a good thing. I can still be pretty regimental about my eating habits but I can vary from the norm too and it doesn't rule me anymore.

So today I have already decided that all I want for dinner is one lovely healthy sandwich with lunch meat and cheese between Sandwich Thins bread. Natures Own makes them too, but for only $2.00 which is a better price then Orowheat. I will probably have some pretzels with it. While it may not have the the curb appeal of my #2 with Diet Coke I have a feeling I am going to be just as glad to be eating it tonight.

Time to cleanse and degrease.

Post Holiday Eating

I did pretty good over the holidays in terms of not over indulging just because there was food and chocolate everywhere I turned. I tend to have pretty decent willpower when it comes to eating in moderation but it kind of went downhill for me on Christmas Eve. Mj and I stopped and got breakfast sandwiches from McDonald's on the way to my mom's. Once I got there I couldn't seem to stop eating, drinking, and snacking on everything in sight. That led right into our trip the day after Christmas. The only thing worse then holiday eating is vacation eating and I did plenty of it. We didn't eat out every single day but I found myself eating way more then I normally do and feeling just a bit like a stuffed pig. I have what is probably a bad habit of stepping on the scale every day and I hated it that I had no idea how much damage I was doing while I was away.

Granted, I have what Mj refers to as a "complex" when it comes to weight and food. I admit it. I tell him how fat I feel and he laughs and rolls his eyes telling me that I am not even close. I don't dare tell my friends I feel fat because it will probably just piss them off. I am not fishing for compliments or trying to be that annoying skinny girl who always complains about being fat. I really mean it. I appear slim on the outside to others even though I feel big on the inside so they are never all that sympathetic. I can't say that I blame them. On more then one occasion I was told by one of Mj's relatives that I was "so skinny," but I don't see that when I look in the mirror. I probably still ate less on the trip then what a lot of people do but it was WAY more then usual putting me outside my "comfort zone" and triggering my weight anxiety. Realistically, I know this but there is this thing inside my head telling me that because I gained 2.5 lbs over Christmas break that I am huge.

Anyhow, since I've been back I have fortunately not gone on a starvation diet as I might have done in the past. Aside from our New Years Eve steak dinner plus tons of bread and dessert [oh my] I have been on what I guess I will call a modified sandwich diet. I was just so sick of food and eating. I need to eat light right now just to unclog my system.

I am getting back into my "normal" eating routine and starting to feel better inside my skin which is good. I just have to keep it up.

They Think She's Chunky?

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders "Making The Team Season 4" on the CMT channel
photo credit

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are for the most part gorgeous. There is no pretense about the fact that in order to be on the team you have to look good. Sure, they are talented dancers but NFL cheerleader's are also meant to be eye candy. Your appearance counts equally as much as your actual dancing ability and the DCC director Kelli and Judy the choreographer make no bones about it. That tiny uniform will not be extended to fit the girl. The girl must fit the uniform and you will not make the team without passing Kelli and Judy's physical inspection.

The girls dance and gyrate in their tiny little boy shorts and sports bra's during each intense rehearsal. Rookies in pink and vets in Navy. Full hair and make up. These girls are not just pretty Barbie Dolls though. They sweat on top of that hair and make up because dancing your heart out in front of Kelli and Judy is no walk in the park. Their eagle eyes see everything. There are standards. Which, I think is great and what makes DCC the amazing organization that it is. They have a great reputation and the competition to be a part of the squad is probably the fiercest out of any NFL cheer squad.

I was really surprised when Grace, who is one of the rookie DCC training camp candidates, was singled out as "looking big." She seems to be a petite girl. Likely 5'3" or less. She appears athletic with a flat belly and toned legs. At the end of every practice the girls on the chopping block are called into the office to either be cut or given more time to improve. Grace was told that most of the other girls her size are 112 lbs or so and that at 123 lbs she needs to slim down a little. She eagerly accepted the criticism and agreed that she would hit the cardio hard to try to loose some weight.

Every season there always seem to be a couple girls that are singled out as having "weight problems." Usually, I can kind of see what they mean. Though in great shape for normal standards you have to consider that the uniform is quite unforgiving and it does take a small very close to perfect figure to make it look good. They aren't necessarily looking for skinnie minnies either though. Most of the girls while slim still look healthy and fit. I was shocked to see a girl that looks as fit as Grace actually referred to as looking "chunky."  I can only imagine what kind of message it might send to young girls watching to see a tiny girl like this referred to as overweight.

I love the show as I do all things dance and cheerleading related.  I enjoy seeing the process of what it takes to be a DCC from auditions all the way to the first game.    

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  Link to video of the girls dancing where Grace supposedly looks "big."
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  Link to video where Grace is called into the office and told she can look "chunky."

Diet Fanatic

My fav "Lasagna Classico" at Olive Garden. I order it EVERY time I go.

I don't care about the rumors that it comes from a microwave.

I was talking to my big sis over the weekend and she was telling me about these insane new exercise video's that she bought that are in fact called the Shaun T "Insanity" workout and rightfully so based on what she told me. They are boot camp style drills and exercises where even the hard bodies in the background can't finish it and have to quit and take breaks. How often do you see that in work out videos? Not in any I've ever done. Apparently the work out is impossible and Shaun T himself is the only one on the planet who might be able to get through it.

Anyhow, she has been on a mission to loose weight for a while now. She was successful with Weight Watchers some years ago but since then the weight has crept back on and she has been almost powerless to stop it. She can and does exercise with the best of them but the problem that always stops her from reaching her goal is that she can't control her eating habits. She is somewhat of an emotional eater and like so many people, just loves food. She struggles with having the willpower she needs to get where she wants to to be.

It struck me that while she and so many in this world seem to be addicted to food I find that I have the opposite problem. People who know me also know that I am "weird" about food. It's something that has kind of followed me over the years and seems to be a part of who I am. My addiction is to dieting and like it or not I seem to be pretty good at it. It is a strange realization but based on my past it must be true. Some people might say they wish they had my problem and while it may sound desirable it comes with it's own set of negative pitfalls and consequences that are undesirable.

I have some kind of "fat phobia" and I have a love hate relationship with food. Its delicious, fun, and nourishes my body but it is also sometimes my enemy for reasons that I have not fully ever understood. I tend to be a picky eater to begin with but on top of that I really have a strong aversion to eating too many calories. Make no mistake about it. I love candy, Chocolate Molten lava cake with hot fudge and vanilla ice cream dessert, pizza, [light] beer and cheesy fried appetizers. There are days where this little fixation flies out the window and I eat mindlessly but the majority of the time I am annoyingly and acutely aware of everything I put into my mouth. It is natural to eat when you are hungry. The symptoms of hunger such as growling stomach or headache ensue and we eat right? Well, for me there is some kind of disconnect. In my case, I either don't fully recognize these cues or I ignore them altogether.

I do not have an eating disorder. You have only to look at me to see that I am of "normal" size proportions. I haven't been to the gym in a long time (though I need to). I have my weaknesses like cheese and bread. I am not "afraid" of food or eating in public. I just don't like eating too much of it and I do fixate on weight. I have to be very careful to ensure that I get enough nutritional value out of what I do eat. I must admit that more often then not I fail miserably particularly when I am alone to the point where I am under eating. I've lost some weight as a result. When Mj comes home I am hoping that he can help me to get back on track with better eating habits. I want to be healthy and I am not so sure that I am doing such a good job of that on my own.

I think it's just a quirk of my personality. I mean, I obsess over finances too!! So, my all time ultimate splurge meal is a McDonald's #2 (If that's still it's assigned number...it's been so long). It's the value meal with 2 cheeseburgers, french fries, and a soda. My freshman year in college I used to eat that meal super sized along with an overabundance of Domino's Pizza and Cup O Noodles. And yes, that is where my freshman 15 came from! Thankfully, it is long gone and then some. I'm going to order that #2 again some day just to say "to hell with it" and when I do, I'll be sure to write about every greasy delicious bite.

Back To The Gym For Some Yoga

So, a monumental thing happened today. For the first time all year I went to the gym. This is huge for me because I have really fallen off the wagon this year when it comes to exercise. I am so far off the wagon that the wheels have rusted and broken off. It all started around the holidays. Probably around November. I just got really lazy-no excuses. Then, by the time February rolled around and I had still not gone back to the gym. I had a schedule change because I switched offices and went from working 7:00-3:30pm which I have done my whole working life to 8:00-5:00pm and going to the gym that late just seemed undo able. At least in my mind. So, I just didn't go. I used to be a gymnast, then a cheerleader in high school, then I took ballet classes for about three years. I have had a gym membership for a while so in between anything else I was doing I could always get to the gym for some exercise. I'd do weights and run on the treadmill. Last year I'd started doing Yoga and Pilates there pretty regularly. I also went through an exercise video phase when I couldn't stand going to the gym and wasn't doing anything else. That started around the time of my major weight loss and I used to do one every day without fail. I guess I felt the world would end and I would get fat if I didn't. I found that it was a nice break from the gym and did keep that up for a while. Since I've re arranged my little studio last December there really isn't room for exercise in the home. I have been maintaining my weight with diet alone and so I guess I'd just been feeling like I can get away with it-but no matter what size you are the heart needs exercise. This isn't the first time I've quit the gym. I've kind of had a love hate relationship with it for a while. Sometimes it just seems like such a chore. After a long day at work, usually the only thing I want to do is get home. I'd love to get back into ballet for variety but the classes are expensive and not in my budget anymore.

I went straight to my mom's on Saturday after the Spa and spent the night. It's still really hot (82 degrees even at night) so I was definitely better off there then at home. We had a really nice visit. Hanging out, watching a movie, running errands. My mom knows I am "off" the gym so when she mentioned she was going to Yoga she didn't really even ask me at first. Then, she said "would you like to go?" I said no at first and then for whatever reasons just decided to go ahead and go. She's been wanting me to and I was there. So why not? I ran around getting dressed and out the door in about 5 minutes flat and off we went. It felt good. I love movement. I love pushing my body to do more. I can tell I am out of shape because I was fatigued not too long after class. Yoga didn't used to make me sore at all.

So, I am not making any promises yet about when I'll be going back. I somehow have to get over this whole schedule hang up, get some motivation, and stop being so darn lazy. I just haven't figured out when all of this is going to happen yet. They are building a brand new 24 Hour Fitness near my house and if I upgrade to a Sport membership I could actually go to it instead of the dank and funky Active one that I was going to before. I think that when MJ comes back I might be more likely to make an effort with his influence but for now at least I broke my no gym streak for the year.

Why I Love My Body

Are these women normal?

This is an interesting question for me because I have had so many issues over the years with body image and weight. Most women including myself are not genetically engineered to be a Victoria's Secret model. So often those are images that are considered the standard of what a perfect woman looks like and if you don't fit the mold, well it can leave you feeling like you don't measure up. Like there is something wrong with you, when in reality that is not the case. Those models are actually freaks of nature, beautiful freaks of nature yeah, but they are not the norm. It is not reasonable to even try to measure myself against them but it is so hard not to sometimes. The average American woman is 5'4, weighs 140 lbs, and wears a size 14 dress. That is reality.

Victoria's Secret asks women to answer this question in 500 characters or less for a Body By Victoria Contest. Normally, my thoughts naturally turn to why I hate my body and not why I love it so this was a good exercise for me. This is my answer:

I've been critical of its shape and; complained about its size. Mistreated it, taken it for granted and; even hated it at times. In spite of it all my body continues to sustain me. I am alive and well because of its unfaltering resolve to love me even when I don't always return the favor. I love my body because it is healthy, strong and toned. It allows me to do things I love and be the person that I am.

Eat This, Not That - The No-Diet Weight Loss Solution From Men's Health

Eat This, Not That - The No-Diet Weight Loss Solution From Men's Health

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I really like Men's Health's "Eat This Not That" concept. The idea is not about dieting and eliminating an entire kind of food but more about making better choices and still getting to eat foods you like. Without compromising your waist band. Here is one of the latest about healthy food swaps at fast food restaurants. I used to and still do have a tendency to try to separate foods into "good" and "bad"-what I can eat and what I can't. This in turn kind of gets me into that food restriction mode which is not the healthiest thing for me. The idea of basic food swaps sort of reinforces the notion that I CAN eat little bit of everything if I want to. By simply swapping secret sauce for mustard and ketchup I can still eat that delicious hamburger and save myself some calories so that I don't feel guilty about eating it. I don't have to eliminate entire food groups because I have decided they are "bad."