Do I Really Have To Go Back To Work?

Today is the last day of Winter Break.  I knew it was coming but somehow I have still managed to be in disbelief that I have to go to work tomorrow.  After 12 days.  The horror!  And the fact that it's supposed to rain makes it even more delightful.  I've felt bad watching Mj get up and go to work every day while I sleep in but oh how wonderful it was not to have to do it myself.  I have enjoyed each and every nano second of every TV watching, magazine reading, hanging out with family, house cleaning, and gym going day.  That's right I said gym! I went to the gym four times last week.  Not only did I enjoy it I actually looked forward to it.  This from a person who hadn't step foot in the gym in over a year!!  All I can say is that The Lady of Leisure lifestyle suits me well.  It is everything I dreamed it would be and more.  I have time for errands, for house cleaning, for relaxing, cooking and the gym.  Not once have I felt overloaded, worn out or even bored.  Granted, one might find it gets boring after a while but I'm pretty good at keeping myself occupied and it's got to be better then 40 hours a week in the office.

The only pic I got of me!!

Mj and his buddy L

New Year's Eve was fun!  One of Mj's friend L hosted a Soul Food potluck.  Mj made yams which I absolutely do not eat but it was OK because there was plenty of other fattening yummy foods to indulge in.  We had a really fun time.  Just a small group of people.  I'm usually at home in my pajamas by midnight on New Year's Eve so it was nice to do something different this year.   I only had a bit of wine and champagne.  Due to Mj's 10 beers and excessive sobriety check points I drove home. 

Saturday and Sunday has mostly just been all about relaxing.  I spent a lot of time in my jammies.  I made sure to get all of my house cleaning done on Thursday so that I could just ride out the weekend without having house work to think about.  I went to the gym, picked up a few groceries and and gassed up the car yesterday.  I'm about as ready for work as I will ever be.  I worked on our wedding album on Shutterfly for hours today.  It's finally just about done.  We're making Mexican Pizza tonight for dinner....I should probably get started on that. 

As for New Year's resolutions.  I'm not really into them so much.  There are only three things that I would like to keep up with as we roll into the new year.  I want to continue being active at the gym or otherwise.  It's so important and despite time restraints and fatigue I need to make it a priority.  I also want to take some classes at the community college and continue on with learning Spanish using Rosetta Stone.  Oh, and one more.  Just to continue to nurture the things that are important in my life.  Namely, my family, my marriage and myself.  Everything else will follow. 

2010 Was Amazing

Feb 2010-Valentine's Day

As we begin a new year I think back to what a magical year 2010 was.  I had orchestrated my little life into a tiny neat little box that was my condo where I had re built my life for the last five years.  I had my independence, my budget, and my habits.  I knew what was what and it was safe.  I had finally managed to form some semblance of happiness and now everything was about to change and fast.

We lived together for the first time in my condo for 6 months.

We went through the house hunting roller coaster.

We booked a wedding venue in December 09 and went under contract for our new house in January.

We waited 6 months for our house to be built and finally got to move in on May 26th. 

We started out with dirt.......

And ended up with our first house

I actually made an effort to start cooking. 

The Cabbage, Rice & Turkey sausage turned out pretty good
except for the crunchy rice.

We settled in, organized, painted, and started to make our house into our home.

painting was harder then we thought

I rented out my condo.
Something I was (and still am) terrified of and NEVER EVER wanted to have to do.

My condo became a rental property

At the end of May my big sis moves back home for good at least the next five years.

After months of planning we got married on July 10-the most  magical day of my life. 

I do!

 In August my adorable baby nephew is born.  The first grandchild in the family. 

DJ.  Just a few hours old

At the end of October we jetted off for our perfect 8 day Hawaiian Honeymoon. 

Hiking Diamond Head

As soon as we got back from our honeymoon I started a new position at work in November after getting promoted.

In December Little sis' will take her last college final and finishes up college.

We enjoyed our first Christmas tree and Christmas in our new house.

The only thing left to is to have a baby and I do believe we are out of time on that one which is just fine with us!!

2010 in a word was amazing.  In two words, it was amazing and expensive!  So many good things happened.  Life changing things.  From January until July our lives were a whirlwind of house hunting and wedding plans.  There was stress, anxiety, pure joy and everything else in between.   Then, once things calmed down we got the chance to relax and just BE without a million things going on at once.   My big sis came home to stay and I love having her nearby and being able to see my nephew.  The wedding was wonderful and our honeymoon was our reward and celebration for everything that we had accomplished together.  I will always remember it as the year that my life changed for the better in ways that I never dreamed possible for me.  The year that I conquered my fears again and didn't let them overpower me as they had before.  The year that I truly believed for the first time in a long time that life is good.  It feels so good to be happy and it makes me sad to think of all the years I spent in misery hating life and hating myself even more.  I loved 2010 and there is a possibility it can't be topped this coming year but that's fine.  I'll gladly settle for happy.  It really is a new chapter for me.  I am looking forward to many more happy years in 2011 and beyond with my husband and wishing only good things for my family and yours.

What A Decade It's Been

With the end of 2010 comes the end of a decade and the starting of a new one.   The majority of this decade wasn't the happiest for me.  Let's re cap shall we:

• 2000-I am two years post college graduation and working in claims.  I dislike my job but in the years to come I will grow to HATE it.  I'm living with my fiance who also happens to have been my first boyfriend in our 2nd tiny apartment in as many years.
• 2002- After 4 years dating and 3 years engaged we finally make the mistake of getting married.  The seven years spent procrastinating on said action should have been a hint of things to come. 
• 2003-I am miserable and become very depressed.  My marriage sucks.  We don't communicate and we don't even like each other anymore.  I'm still working in claims and hating life more and more with each passing day.  The job is killing me but I would be taking a huge pay cut if I left and I had no idea what else I could do.
• 2004-Right before Christmas we separate.  I am too thin and he accuses me of having an eating disorder.  My weight hits an all time low.  We agree the relationship has run it's course.  I am on anti depressants, going to therapy and am sad and exhausted all the time.  We actually had a deposit down on a condo but I had to call and cancel everything. 

I spent a lot of nights at home alone

My cozy condo

• 2005-I buy a condo on my own and move into my own place in February and start to rebuild my life.  I'm living alone for the first time and I like it.  I can't take the stress anymore so I walk into work one day and quit my claims job of 6 years with no gig lined up and no plans.  What was I thinking?  I am too broke to buy a single Christmas present for anyone.  This is also the year I meet MT and we begin a sort of relationship.  I am still often sad and isolate myself alone a lot in my condo.   The divorce is finalized.

First portfolio shoot 2006




• 2006-I finally had the time to pursue modeling, which I'd been wanting to do for a while.  Turns out I was so beloved at my claims job they didn't want to let me go.  They offered me a part time position temporarily that stretched into a whole year.  I make so much that my hourly rate is still enough to keep me going along with modeling gigs.  I call the shots.  I work 24 hours a week for the next year and model.  Uh...working part time is awesome!  I'm so glad I had a chance to do that.  My big sis and I get out and do a lot of fun things together.  I didn't have a lot of friends so it was great having her as a best friend.  She moved out of state for a boy at the end of the year.  I smiled on the outside but no one really knew the extent of my sadness.  I was (and still am) so hard on myself.  I felt like a bit of a loser for wasting so much time in claims, not having a career, and for not really doing as well in modeling and acting as I'd have liked.  It felt like nothing I did was ever good enough. 

From Top Left Clockwise:  Vegas, Cruise with big sis 2006

• 2007-The money is running out and my part time position has ended-I stayed there for 7 years in all!  I haven't hit the big time and I need health insurance.  It's time to go back to full time work.  I find an office job at a college making about $12,000 a year less then I did working full time in Claims.   I am bummed out to have to quit modeling and lingering depression still haunts me.  After two years of sort of dating MT I find out he is totally married, and I totally end it with him.  He is only the second guy I have ever dated in my life so I really just didn't know any better.  There is a phone conversation with yelling and hanging up.  Such drama.  He helped me through a hard time and is still a friend to this day but I am not the home wrecker type.  End of story.  I meet a hot guy from Atlanta on My Space.  We meet up in Vegas for the first time and he flies me out to visit him in Atlanta.  Potentially scary and creepy but it actually turned out ok.  He was not "the one" but he helped me get over Married guy and was a big confidence booster.  My big sis got married and had a small wedding in Vegas.

Clockwise from Top Left:  2008-Camping Trip, Casino Weekend Getaway,
 Las Vegas, County Fair

• 2008-I meet the love of my life in March.  The man who would change my life.  He spoiled me.  We went camping, we went to Vegas, and he bought me things.  I was having the the best time ever getting to know him but even still I tried to push him away.  I still don't like myself enough to believe that I am worthy.  We find out he will be deployed and Eight months after meeting he leaves for a year overseas.  We had already decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.  The guy gave me a giant promise/engagement ring after four months!  Smitten much?  Well so was I!  And the happiness that has eluded me for so many years is finally mine for the taking.  After Christmas he's gone.  All of our plans have come to a screeching halt.  I won't see him again for 7 months. 

Christmas 2008

• 2009-I basically spent this year missing Mj, trying to keep busy and missing Mj.  I'm beginning to hate my job again so I  transfer to a new office.  I keep myself occupied by starting this blog.  I wrote away happily even though I had no followers and I worked on learning Spanish with Rosetta Stone.  I visit my big sis in NC, I hang out with friends and family.  My illustrious modeling career is capped off with a Top 5 Finish in the Joe's Next Model contest.  A memorable experience and a welcome distraction.  Mj comes home for a visit in July and then onto the home stretch until he is home for good in November.  I turned in my 2nd leased Jeep and bought a Honda in cash causing a near nervous breakdown.   I am overcome with anxiety and I'm not sure if it's because I've been without Mj so long, I'm afraid of all the changes that happen when he gets back or both.  What if I can't shake these awful feelings?  How are we going to accomplish everything we want to in the coming year? When he finally came home he made everything ok.  He moved in with me and talked me down from the ledge.  We went to Delaware in December where I met his parents for the first time and we set about building our life together.  

My B day with the 'rents  April 09.

Visit with Big Sis N. Carolina May 2009

We meet up with J who also lives in NC. 
She's the one who hooked up me and hubby.

July 2009 Visit.  We go to Vegas and enjoy every day we have together

My baby is home for good!!  Nov 2009

If you are still reading you now know everything you wanted to know about the last decade of my life and more.  I am a totally different person today then I was 10 years ago.  I beat my depression, and still err on the side of thin but I feel much better about myself and my life in general and I finally know what it's like to be happy.  What a freaking concept!  2010 clearly deserves it's own post so I won't touch on that here but suffice it to say that since 2008 things just got better and better for me.  

You Never Know

I can pin point the exact moment my stomach started to rebel.  Monday night about an hour after dinner I ate a piece of string cheese and was munching on some grapes.  My stomach started to feel bloated and I looked pregnant.  Then came the nausea and I lost my appetite for anything except laying down.  I fell into bed feeling run down and didn't sleep well making the next morning even more hellish.  I felt achy and slightly dizzy as I plopped myself into my car Tuesday morning to head for work.  I contemplating calling in but decided to tough it out.  Armed with my tervis tumbler filled with ice cold water which is the only thing I could stomach I tiredly drove to work.  I sat at my desk and logged into my computer wondering how I was going to make it through the day.  I couldn't focus.   Annoyed and defeated I finally just told my supervisor I wasn't feeling well and wanted to go home.  It just didn't feel like it was worth it to sit there and suffer.  I walked into my house around 11:15 am got undressed and immediately slipped under my cool sheets and went to sleep.

Before falling asleep I thought of my friend who had texted me a week ago that he had been battling a stomach virus for about 3 weeks.  "How ya feeling," I texted him.  Knowing that I probably can't feel half as bad as he's been feeling.  "Going back to the hospital now...to try to find out what's wrong with my stomach."  Poor guy.  He said he's lost 20 lbs already because he can't keep food down.

Mj came home from work and served me soup and 1/2 grilled cheese in bed.  I'd spent most of the day in that bed and laying on the couch.  I still felt a little on the crappy side and had hardly any appetite by the time I went back to bed that night.  I felt better when I woke up Wednesday morning.  Still a bit "off" but at least glad to be feeling "functional."  Around 4pm I get a text from my friend.  "I might have stomach cancer."  I am shocked.  He is under 40 and just retired from active duty military.  He was so excited about living life as a civilian and worked so hard only to have to deal with this?  You never know when life as you know it is going to change.

Life really looses it's luster when you don't feel well.  That day I was useless at work and that night I had little enthusiasm for anything.  I just wanted to feel normal so I could enjoy and carry on with my life as usual. Whatever mini  bug it was had passed and by Thursday I was feeling 100%.  I am back to my happy normal functioning self but my friend is still in the hospital.  He doesn't get to spend 40 hours a week at work.  When he doesn't get enough sleep he won't get to dread work and count the minutes until it's time to get off.  He won't hit that stupid traffic jam on the way home today and feel that nagging twinge of annoyance at only having about 4 1/2 hours at night to eat dinner, relax a little, and go to bed only to get up and do it all over again the next day.  I'm sure he'd actually be quite thrilled with all of those things right about now.  Things we sometimes take for granted.  It was just another reminder to me of how important our health is, how fleeting it can be and just how lucky I am to be well enough just to live my life.  Every aspect of it including the parts I complain about.

Got A Renter and Life is Good

I have met people over the years who seem to have a fairy godmother floating above their head. Everything they touch turns to gold and even the bad things in life often yields rewards. They land hot jobs and somehow manage get what they want and do what they want without even seeming to have to try that hard. They seemingly coast through life without a care in the world and why shouldn't they? They are the "charmed ones" and things just have a way of working out for them. Unfortunately I have never been one of those people. I work hard and try to do the right thing but nothing has come easily to me and I always seemed to be left wanting or with the short end of the stick.

About 2 weeks ago I got a call from my property management company that there was a woman interested in renting my condo. Ever the pessimist I was so happy and so relieved yet I did not count on anything until she actually paid her deposit, signed the lease and moved in. Well Friday.....SHE MOVED IN! I officially have a tenant in my condo who is locked into a lease for one year. Due to market conditions I was not able to rent for the full amount I owe but will only be taking on about a $100 per month deficit which could have been a lot worse and I should be able to absorb that into my budget. I never wanted a rental property but due to circumstances I have one and am just thrilled that I can finally stop stressing myself out over this-which I've been doing for over a year. Ideally, she will pay rent every month and I won't have to think about a double mortgage situation for at least the next year.

I actually still can't believe it. Every week after we moved out without a renter I got more and more anxious.  It's such a tiny condo-what if no one wants to live there?  I was already trying to figure out where I could tolerate working for a second job and how I would ever find the energy to do it. I tend to be surprised when everything works out according to plan while Mj expects it. Getting a renter was the last thing that I really needed to work out for me and just in the nick of time....it did.  Throughout this whole house hunting, home buying, and rental property journey he has said over and over "Don't worry. It will all work out." Did I listen? NO. Did it work out? YES!

My only explanation for all of this is Mj-who incidentally just so happens to be one of those charmed ones. My general outlook and my life has totally changed since he entered it. I was lonely and depressed with little expectation or hope for better. I wore my misery and independence like a badge of honor and faced life in general with a mild sense of dread. The way I saw it life is hard. Happiness and fulfillment is promised to no one so you better just learn to deal with it. Fast forward two years and I am genuinely happy, planning a wedding with the man of my dreams, decorating our house and feeling an overall sense that life may not be perfect but the good in it far outweighs the bad. I still tend towards pessimism but no longer see gloom and doom lurking around EVERY corner. While I'd like to take 100% credit for this change I can't. Mj is the catalyst of all of this.  He has changed my life and I hate to think of where I'd be right now if I'd never met him.

I know that this doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen. Not even the charmed ones can count on that.  Maybe Mj's good luck has rubbed off on me a little but I still don't count myself as one of them. It doesn't even mean that I will stop worrying because chances are I will always be a worry wart-it's just the way I'm wired. However, it does mean that my panic meter goes down a few notches and my happy meter goes up. It means I no longer feel the heavy weight of the world sitting on my shoulders and every set back won't feel like the end of the world. It also means that I can finally say, "life is good." In the past those words would never EVER cross my lips under any circumstances. I was just too sad. So no matter what happens down the road of life I know that I have come an incredibly long way and that alone is something to be happy about.

If I Can Dream

I am under a lot of stress lately being smack dab in the middle of closing.  I am just tired of the whole process am beyond ready for it to be over already.  I feel like I've been living in limbo all year and it's really getting to me.  Buying a house AND having a wedding within the space of two months means a boatload of money is being spent and if there is one thing that's been stressing me out aside from my cramped 400 square foot studio and so much uncertainty over the house it's that.  We just spent $500 on a cake.  I still don't have a renter for my studio and so I'm considering taking on a 2nd job.  I don't even know for sure when we are getting the keys to our house and I have a moving truck scheduled for Friday.  The bank has been so slow getting our documents out for us to sign.        

So, let's just say it didn't take much to get the waterworks flowing.  I've been watching this web only show called "If I can Dream"on hulu.com.  Amanda has made a decision to leave the dream house because it's not working out for her to be there where she feels she has no control over her personal life living in a house with cameras 24/7.  When she made her announcement both she and Cara were crying and the next thing I know I was crying too.  This is not unusual considering I have been moved to tears by a 30 second Cotton commercial before.  Watching that outpouring of emotion just kinda touched a nerve in me partly because of my personal stress and partly because I found it so sad that she was literally walking away from her dream.  As one who once had a dream myself I can only imagine how difficult that must be.  It is next to impossible to make it in that industry.  For every Julia Roberts, Miley Cyrus or Megan Fox there are thousands upon thousands of talented people that couldn't make it.  She is giving up a once in a lifetime opportunity to live in a house rent free, not have to work, receive free acting classes, and support from the management team that handles all the American Idol winners.  The chance to pursue her acting dreams was handed to her on a silver platter and she chose to walk away from it.  In my opinion there must be more to the story then what she is saying that would cause her to do that.  I don't know what it's like to walk in her shoes but from the shoes I'm wearing....I think it's quite a bizarre choice and I can say with certainty that if I EVER had a chance like that I would jump at it in a heartbeat and don't think anything could make me walk away.

Crying has always been a tension reliever for me so it was good for me to just let it out.  In my darker days I used to do it A LOT and not be able to snap out of it but thankfully those days are over and I now have the ability to brush myself off and keep moving.  Today is a new day and I'm off to a good start.  I forgot to put on a bra today [no worries, they aren't that big] but other then that I'm at work and I'm getting on with it.  At the moment the only dream I have on my mind is getting those keys and becoming a homeowner with Mj.  There is still a possibility that we can sign docs today, close and have our keys by Friday so we can move.  I'm just waiting ANXIOUSLY for that call from escrow. 

Forever 21

Happy Birthday/April Fool's Day to ME!!

Last year on my B day I was still adjusting to Mj being out of the country and was feeling pretty angry about that. I figured my B day was going to suck anyways so I agreed to go to a 8 hour Microsoft Access Workshop even though it fell on the 1st. BIG mistake. It turns out it was not exactly the beginner class that it claimed to be and I sat there all day halfway falling asleep feeling stupid, confused, and worried that my job was going to be mad at me for wasting their money because I did not learn a thing. I thought Excel was bad...but Access is a whole new level of WTF. After the workshop I just went home and it was the worst B day ever. I told myself that next year was going to be different.

Despite that fact that I had no real plans I went ahead and took the day off anyways. Our office is actually closed tomorrow so I figured what the hell! I might as well turn it into a 4 day weekend. No cleaning for me today though goodness knows my condo needs it bad. I got to sleep in. I ran some errands, made some phone calls, and relaxed. Sure beats sitting in the office for 8 hours. Tonight after the unfortunate ones who had to go to work get off Mj and I are meeting up for a double date with my parents that I am really looking forward to.

It sounds strange but as I get older sometimes I actually kinda forget how old I am. The older you get the less likely you are to be asked how old you are and frankly-my age just doesn't cross my mind all that much. I got my mama's genes which means that I am always going to look younger then my age-and trust me I don't mind one bit. I haven't started with the anti aging creams yet but I will this year. And to think when I was 18 I wanted so badly to look older!! Just another reminder of how when you are young you think you know and you just have no idea. They say that youth is wasted on the young-and I can't agree more.

It's funny because in high school I thought people in their 20's were old but then when I got there I realized that people in their 20's are really just babies. Now 30's...those folks are old!! Leaving my 20's was hard for me at first but I got over it and now that I have hit the 30's myself I really don't feel as old as I thought I would. And even better, I am so much happier and better adjusted now then I was in my 20's. I can say for sure that I am a heck of a lot cuter then I used to be!! Let's just say adolescence with it's thick glasses, gap toothed smile, braces, bad hair and even worse clothes was not kind to me. I didn't start figuring out what to do with myself until my 20's and I have gotten better with age. I feel so much more settled into myself now. Most people start modeling young but it wasn't something I could even fathom trying until my late 20's. I would definitely call myself a "late bloomer" in more ways then one. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and I may not have a 10 year plan but at least I know who I am.

I don't necessarily want to get old but the idea of being forever 21 isn't so appealing either. I'm still not so sure about how I feel about the BIG 4-0 but somehow it just doesn't seem so scary as it used to be.

In Ten Years.....

And now for the hard part. Where do I want to be in 10 years? It's kind of ironic that I of all people would receive an award with this as a topic because I seriously have no clue. I have always been sort of aimless and confused when it comes to my future. This has always bothered me and yet I still have not managed to figure out a way to change it.

The only thing I know for sure is that I want to be happy and loving life. Whatever keeps the happiness coming is what I want for the future. When you have gone through years and years of your life without that you really realize just how precious and priceless it is. I also want for Mj and I to be celebrating our 12Th anniversary together and still be as happy and in love as we are right now. Yes, those are obvious answers but when it comes to concrete future predictions....I got nothin'.

I still haven't decided if I want children. I could say that I would like to have a career, which I do, but without any ideas or direction on my part that is not likely to happen. Careers may appear out of thin air for some but thus far I have not found that to be the case for me. It would be a dream come true to be a published author because I love writing so much. Aside from modeling that is the only other thing I have ever really wanted to do.

I have to admit that I really hate my answer. It is formless and without direction. How can I not know this at my age? I am a self proclaimed planner but apparently only when it comes to short term projects. The only thing I seem to know for sure is that I don't know. I am slowly learning acceptance of this purely out of necessity so that I don't drive myself mad with frustration.

"Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)...The future's not ours to see Que Sera, Sera"

Or something like that!!

Just Say Yes

I stumbled upon Yes Man on Cinemax this morning. Due to an error with Blockbuster online I ended up with zero movies for my long 3 day weekend. I look forward to having a movie to watch on weekends I stay in alone and so I'd been channel surfing trying to find something good to watch that I haven't already seen. Although, not a first round draft pick it turned out that I had really missed out because this movie was good and funny. It had a great message and it came at a time when I needed to hear it.

Zooey Deschanel's character Allison makes a comment that "life is a playground but as we grow up we forget about that along the way." Well, true but there is a reason for that. Children don't have responsibilities so life is essentially their playground. As we grow up we no longer have that luxury. We don't so much as forget we just have no choice but to grow up. Life can't be a playground when there is work, bills, and other such annoying distractions to take us away from the things we really want to do. It was never explained how Allison pays her bills by teaching a running photography class and playing in a band called Munchhausen By Proxy.


Jim Carrey's character Carl has a bank job where he's been for years without promotion. We know how he pays his bills but we also know he isn't happy. A devastating break up had caused him to sort of check out of life. He avoided friends and frequents the movie rental store so he can go home and watch movies alone instead of getting out and living life. Well, he went to a seminar and started saying yes to things he normally wouldn't and suddenly a whole new world opens up for him. One that he'd been hiding from. He meets a fun, offbeat woman (Allison) who he would have never dated at a band performance he would have never gone to. He learns to speak a new language, takes up flying lessons, and starts volunteering at homeless shelters just because. Each yes led him down a path he wouldn't have normally been on but which ultimately landed him a promotion, the ability to get over his ex, a new girlfriend, and a reconnection with friends who he had shut out. He got his life back.


I am definitely guilty of coming from a place of no. No, I can't go out downtown because the drinks are expensive and I don't want to pay for parking. No, I can't get together that night because it's a work night and I have to get home so I can get to bed. No, I can't eat that incredibly delicious looking dessert because if I go over a certain amount of calories then the world will end. Ha!! A lot of times it's simply because I am so caught up in my daily routine and feel so trapped by my limitations that I won't let myself venture out. I mean, what is the worse that could happen really? What might I be missing out on that I don't even know about?


I've been guilty of shutting the world out in the past. Choosing instead to isolate myself because it felt easier then venturing out and facing things and people that I didn't feel equipped or even willing to handle. Thankfully, my mind set has improved and along with it so have I, however there are times when I find myself slipping back and sticking to routine just because it's safe. Ultimately, I can only do what I can do. I can't quit my job in favor of traveling across Europe just because it's something I've always wanted to do but even if it's just being more open minded, less fearful and more positive that's a step in the right direction.

Each Day Is Like The Other

Sometimes I can't remember what movie I watched yesterday, what day I requested that prescription on line, or even what day of the week it is. Did I wear this pink shirt two weeks ago or was it just a few days before? It's like deja vu sometimes how each day kind of blends into the next so that I can hardly differentiate one from the other. I am not the only creature of habit though. It struck me one day that the path I take as I go through my daily routine crosses with others who also seem to be doing the same old thing every day just like me. At least for that brief moment. I wonder if they ever notice me as I notice them.

I hear the familiar footsteps of a lady who lives in my complex and the gate slamming behind her as she makes her way out to her car. I hear the engine roar to life signaling to me that after my usual three snoozes if I don't get up NOW I'll be late. I finish my quick morning routine and am walking out my front gate. There she is again. The lady who lives across the street is sitting on her front porch as I carry my sandwich in it's cute little pink container and cross the street to my car. She is usually wearing red plaid flannel pajamas, smoking a cigarette, and sipping something out of a mug. I usually find myself wishing that I was sitting on my front porch in my jammies NOT smoking a cigarette and drinking warm coffee while the glow of the early morning sun warms the pavement instead of going to sit in an office for the next 8 hours.

At work I boot up my computer, eat my PBJ, and drink my coffee while I settle in for the day ahead.

At 12:30 pm like clock work Oscar the friendly security guard who knows everyone is making his rounds and greets me with "Hola" as he strolls past my desk. He usually follows this by saying how many days there are until Friday and we laugh. Every day from Monday to Thursday is just a countdown to Friday after all.

At around 1:30 pm I walk the same path down the hall, through the door, down the stairs and through one more door. I am usually on the phone by now talking to Mj. Like a fixture I see her sitting quietly in the lobby reading a book as I walk by. I think she is probably on her lunch break like I am. As I sit in my car chatting with Mj half way through my break the fifth and final character of a day in my life gets into the passenger side of her own car. She is usually parked right next to me and I watch as she pulls out her reading materials and her lunch for the day. When my hour is up I head back into my building chatting with Mj up until the last minute to finish out the last part of my work day.

By 4:58 pm I am shutting down my computer relieved that the work day is finally over. It usually takes me about 25-30 minutes to get home and less time then that to get into my comfy casuals for "me" time. I have a precious 4 hours or so in the evening to relax which usually includes the Internet, a movie, TV, reading or any combination thereof. Then, It's time for bed when I will hopefully sleep and then will gratefully wake up to do it all over again the next day.